Chapter 5 (Gratia curanndi non vacant)
Once a week I went to the baby's grave, and I place fresh flowers, symbolically, he is the boy I lost. Emotionally, I am not in a good place. I feel alone, I am amongst people the whole day, yet I feel utterly alone. I kept the house, it is way too big for one person, but it is the last gift Sam gave me. I go to Mass regularly, and I pray for Sam and Mich, even Gadreel, he is right, good and bad come in many forms. I phone Lydiana once a week, Lucille, bakes for me, the fact that I look anorexic, encourages her to feed me. Veronica, has stayed, thank God. My cuts are fine marks all over my legs. Maria, asked for permanent employment, which I now could afford, we opened a second “Tinker-bell”, and it is doing very well. Maria, blesses the house before she goes home, so she is a blessing I can’t let go of. The second Tinker-bell, is close to the coast, near the Black Hill’s and it is doing exceptionally well.
I can’t say life went on, I get up and I go to work, I eat, I sleep, and I brush my teeth, yet this void inside me, is getting bigger and bigger. I miss Sam, I am being honest with myself, and I do miss Mich. I pray he is happy, it is all I ever wanted for him. Maybe I should buy a puppy, the house is massive and too quiet. I am not scared, oh hell no. Abrux cured me. Maria assures me every evening that the Healing Power will find me, I do believe her, I just don’t have a clue what this Healing Power is. Next week will be the first of July, a year, since the birth of a baby, I believed was mine, and hoping it was Mich’s boy, hell he was nobody’s boy, I am barren, I had all the tests done, and it is a fact. I mourn, I hurt, I have a million different emotions, all crammed into my heart. I think my heart might burst one day. I have not heard from my parents, and I am glad, I honestly need me time, yeah I had a whole year to myself, give or take, but I am not ready for the world.
My shops and my home is all I need. I take walks daily, not in a blizzard, and I like my garden. There are numerous trees, and squirrels have a home in one of the trees. The little dark one, has half a tail, I honestly do not want to know how he lost it, I named him, Bunril, he runs and he plays in the snow, and he is always nibbling and carrying something, I am glad, they don’t go hungry. I saw a baby snake the other day, the poor thing was more afraid of me, than I was of it, no it did not get a name. I have acute Ophidiophobia. Lydiana and her strange beliefs, told me, the snake is my protector, I was all snooty, and asked her from what? She said from rodents that carry diseases, yeah well she won that round hands down. Maria on the other hand said the snake was symbolic for Healing Power, my response was, if you bring that thing near me, the only Healing Power I will need is a cardiologist.
For the past two months a man has been coming into Tinker-bell. A normal man, as far as I can tell. He is half Lakota, and I don’t really care what the other half is made up of. He talks to me, often, and I can feel he wants to ask me out. Let’s be honest, this is as small as a town can be, even the squirrels know I am divorced, and lost my son. Today he opened up a little more, I think, well I can’t read his mind, that he has given me time to mourn. His name is Kould. He has very long black hair, and dark skin, his eyes are light brown, he has perfect teeth, and he has an easy smile.
“Abigail, I am sorry for the loss of your boy, truly I am, but in my culture, we do not speak of the dead.’
“I think that is a perfect way of dealing with it, Kloud, a person’s pain is their own, it is private, so I think you have it right, having to dig in where it hurts, will never allow a person to heal. I know you know that I still place flowers on the boys grave, that is more out of respect, I know he will never come and smell the flowers.’ Then I cried, I now understand the concept of Healing Power, it is acceptance.
Kloud held me for a long time, he took me to the storeroom, and he encouraged me to cry. A weight lifted from my heart. I asked to be excused, he asked for my number, I scribbled it on a piece of paper. And I went to confession. And I resolved, not to go to the cemetery any more, this is foolish, I never had a son. I phoned a terribly unhinged Veronica, and asked her to close up, she has never asked me for a favour. “Mm, Abigail, I am so sorry, my son turns one today, so I kind of planned him a party…’ I stopped her right there and then, got in my car and drove back to Tinker-bell, and kicked her out in jest. It was a busy day, I was happy, I had come back. The interaction with the clients, made me feel better. Kloud phoned before I closed, and asked if I would have dinner with him. I accepted, then found a hair salon, I brightened my naturally blond hair, it was long, it hung down my back. Had my eyebrows waxed, I think I had a uni-brow by now.
Then to the store, and I bought a woollen skirt, and matching cardigan, a new pair of boots. I rushed home, bathed, so I would not wet my hair, then I actually applied makeup. I got dressed, the colours were a soft turquoise, and I remembered I had blue eyes. Oh I did buy a bottle of perfume, and to be honest, this is the first date of my very complicated life. Kloud arrived on time, bonus for him. He looked dashing in a pair of jeans, that clung to his thighs, a black long sleeve shirt, and boots. And he smelled stunning. He complimented me, and I could in all modesty, tell him he looked drop dead gorgeous. He drove an old truck, and opened the door for me. On the seat lay a single red rose. “Thank you Kloud, wow, it is so beautiful, I didn’t know roses grew here.’ He smiled. “They don’t.”
We went in to the Reservation for dinner. I did tell him I was a vegetarian, so he ordered for me, and a bottle of semi-sweet white wine. The food was delicious, the variety of vegetables unknown to me, and to my surprise, I ate everything on my plate, I did decline dessert, though. We spoke of the shops, and I asked him what he did for a living, he was a builder, and an architect by trade. I was super impressed. He had one younger brother, Hanska, he was a groom and a riding instructor. His Mom was late, and his Dad, lived with his brother, still holding on to their culture and beliefs. It amazed me to listen to him, the vast knowledge he had of his history, and of his culture. He did tell me his Mom was Mexican, but she became Yankton the day she married his Dad.
“My parents are both alive, and I have not seen nor spoken to them in years, not that I mind though, we are none compatible, I am used to being on my own, they dote on Rosemary, and that is all good in my book.’
“You must be lonely?’
“Yes, sometimes, it is getting better, please do not ask about Mike or Michael. That is in my past, and I have deal with it now, thanks to you, Kloud, I needed to cry, I had not realised, that I have not cried, and I will not go back to the grave, what is done is done.’ Kloud poured us more wine, and he told me about the cabin he was building, I really wanted to see it, so he offered to show me, Saturday, after I closed the shop.
I told Veronica to take Saturday off, I knew she was a single parent, I had not realised her child was so young. So I opened at half past seven, and I felt a tingle of excitement at seeing Kloud again. The day zoomed by, and when the other shops closed at one pm, so did I. I went home, showered, and dressed in jeans, boots and a flannel top. It was cool outside, but not too cold yet. Kloud was on time, and again opened the truck door for me. He enquired as to how my day was, and I could honestly answer, good. I had a wonderful day. We drove through the Reservation, and I bit my tongue, I do not like people prying into my life, so I would not do that to Kloud, if he wanted to tell me something he would.
The cabin was situated between a mountain on the one side, and a forest on the other side. It was breathtakingly beautiful. It was much colder here, Kloud gave me his jacket, it smelled of leather, and of him, he smells divine. The sun crept behind a cloud, and the wind came up. “It will rain tonight.’ He said knowingly. The cabin was mostly completed, Kloud was busy with the roofing, so we walked throughout the stunning building, it was warm, and the smell of the logs were comforting to the senses. He explained the entire building process to me, and honestly, I was intrigued. He had packed us a light lunch, shit why did I not think of it. So we sat against a wall and ate. “Who is this home for?’ I asked innocently. “I don’t really know, I get a contract, and I build, but my boss did say, the guy is loaded, so I did not have to spare any expense on building materials, or any of the other requirements he made, I memory serves me right, I think my boss called him Sam Michael-something.’ I swallowed what I had in my mouth whole. Kloud noticed my reaction. “Do you know him?’
“No, I don’t think so.’ I prayed this was some horrible coincidence, the universe has not been kind to me for a very long time, it keeps throwing shit at me that I cannot deal with. That whole saying, I will not give you more than you can carry, is BS. I have carried since I was eighteen, and I thought, I had found that miracle Healing Power thingy, that is supposed to make me happy. “Abigail, you look positively ill, would you prefer to go home?’ I nodded, and I felt so bad. Kloud did not deserve any of the BS, I have had to deal with. I liked him, but if this is my Sam, that is coming back, that is not a good omen.
“I do apologise for ruining the day.’ Kloud took my hand in his large callused hand. “No, problem, you have been on your feet the whole day, give me a call later, if you are feeling better, and I will take you to a stunning pub, in the Res. The food is good, the music even better. So just say the word and I will be by you in two ticks.’ I thanked Kloud, and said I would go lie down, and that I would call him as soon as I felt better. I watched him drive away, he waved to me. I think I stood there for half an hour. Why now. I just got my shit together, am I such a terrible person, that I have no right to happiness? Sam promised to leave, and to never come back. Yes I miss him, but a human man, has no complicated baggage, he lives, he dies, and he answers to his God.
The Fallen, have been on this earth too long, I can’t imagine what they have seen, or felt. I don’t want to. I thought I had been punished, but no, just look at this shit. The first drop, hit me right on my head. I had stood outside longer than I thought. I unlocked my door with a heavy heart. I went and had another shower, washed my hair. Dried and straightened it, then made up my mind. I called Kloud, he was pleased I felt better, and he arrived an hour later. I want to live, so this is me taking my power back. He was right, the pub was stunning, and the music, just right. He ordered us beers, and a snack.
I can dance, and brother, so can he. We really had an awesome time. the beer flowed, we ate, we danced, and it was the most fun, I have had in years. I was a little tipsy, I promised myself I would never get drunk again. We left way past midnight. “Would you like to come in for a cup of coffee?’
Kloud looked at me. “No, I mean, no thank you. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever been out with, I have admired you for a long time, and if I walk through those doors, well, I respect you too much.’ “What if I said, it’s all right, and that you will not be disrespectful”.
Kloud thought for a while. “No, and again, I mean no thank you, I would like to be your friend, and time can lead us in the right direction, if that is all right with you?’
“Yes, of course, good night, Kloud, and thank you for an amazing night.’
He waited for me to unlock my door, then drove away. What Kloud did not say in that instant, was, that he was not sure if he could make love to the mother of a demon. He liked Abigail, a lot, but, he better back off. Sam would not take kindly to him screwing the mother of his dead son. So Kloud made up his mind not to call Abigail again, he thought he could get past the facts, but he was old school. And demons had no place in his life, he would build the cabin, that is work, and his Dad’s medical bill would be paid, but he could not, imagine going to bed with Abigail, he accosted himself for asking her out in the first place. Once he mentioned Sam, he knew the lore around the Res was the truth, the Keys had been born, and the one that belonged to Abigail and Sam died, so he must be back for round two, “they” needed six Keys, so he would try and impregnate Abigail again. Kloud stopped at the side of the road and he puked. He now found her revolting, the thought, that he almost kissed her, made the bile rise in his throat, so he had to stop and he puked again. Kloud, stayed in the Res, he did not answer her calls, and he never dared go back into town, she would get the message soon enough.
Abigail, was dumbstruck, she confided in Maria. “We had an awesome evening, and just like that, he won’t answer my calls, I have not seen him in two weeks, what have I done Maria?’
“I don’t think it is you, Abigail. Men get cold feet too.’ Abigail did not believe that for a second, her gut told her, Kloud knew more than he let on, and that he knew exactly who Sam was. He put two and two together, and he saw her as nothing but a whore. He had to have made some connection, when he said Sam’s name, and the surname on the tombstone, was Michaelson. If he would have taken her call, she would have told him the truth, that she never had a baby. That’s what she decided to do, she drove out to the cabin. He watched her car approach and climbed down from the ladder. They greeted each other aloofly. “Kloud, I know you do not know me, but, there are things I want you to know, the truth about me, if you would listen, I would really appreciate it, then you can tell me to fuck off and die, but not until I have told you the truth.”
He led Abigail away from the cabin, they found a place to sit under the trees. Abigail told him everything, from the age of three, everything she could remember. He held his work gloves in his hand, and he listened. When she was done. He looked at her. “So, you are barren, but you gave birth to demon?’ Abigail nodded yes, she was visibly shaken, and afraid. Kloud shook his head. “Okay, mother of demons, I listened, and I have work to do, so please, fuck off and die, oh and delete my number.’ Abigail bit down hard on her tears, got in her car and drove to the shop.
Wow, I feel like I have been run over by a truck, I thought the truth is supposed to set one free. I went to work, and gave Veronica the afternoon off, I needed to be alone in my misery. I am so shocked, I am hurt, and I am confused. I closed an hour earlier, went past the bottle store. I was relieved, Maria had already left. I made up my mind by my second drink, that I would leave. I will sell this mansion, and I will move to the Black Hills. I called the estate agent, she was at my door within the hour. I asked her to push the sale, as I need to take over at my other store. She said the sale would be as smooth as cream, this was a stunning home, and she would be on the lookout for a new house for me, near the Black Hills. I phoned Veronica, and asked her to become my partner, and of my decision to leave. We would draw up the paperwork, as soon as I had a buyer. I am thankful, Veronica does not question. Maria was upset, and I assured her, I would find her employment before I left. I got a buyer within two weeks. This really is a stunning home. Priscilla, took me to view houses on Sunday, and I found a cottage I liked. My mansion sold for more than the asking price, so I added that to Priscilla’s commission. Three months later, the moving van arrived, and I drove to my new home. I did call Lydiana, and I had made the necessary changes with Lucille.
I liked my new home, it was small and just right for me. I kept the assistant I had, I needed time, yes that all powerful Healing Power was much needed. My assistant at the second Tinker-bell store, is a man called, Thomas Lane. He worked well, and I gave him a week off. I adjusted to life, that does not mean, my hurt had suddenly vanished, sticks and stones, hurt like hell. To hear someone say, “fuck off and die”, has hurt me more than giving birth to an imaginary baby. I never chose this life, who in their right mind choose to be hurt? Well the answer is no one.
I will not befriend anyone, I will never confide in anyone, besides my Priest, I will never trust, that was ripped from my soul, when Kloud swore at me personally, attacking my character. No, I am done. I made tea, and I packed the shelves, I tended to my clients, and I started to rain, then it snowed, but I did not close the store. I made another cup of tea, and I sat and watched it get dark outside. Then I pulled on my jacket. Cashed up. And drove slowly to my home. I heated soup, and poured a glass of wine. My phone rang, I thought it had to be Lydiana or Lucille, at least they cared about me, but it was Kloud. Without thinking, I cut the call. I was in no mood to be sworn at, when I can’t defend myself. The phone rang again. “Kloud, I have had a very long day, even the mother of demons, can only take so much, then the tank is full, so if you called to swear at me, save your breath, and cut the call.’
“Abigail, I called to apologise, I see you left town, is it because of me?’
“Yes, Kloud, of course it is because of you, do you honestly in your human heart think, I liked being called the mother of a demon, or to be sworn at, and in hindsight, do I look mentally unstable to you, do you honestly think, I wanted the unholy, fucking life?’
“No, I don’t. Abigail, I was wrong, and it is eating me alive. The man I built the cabin for, is just a man, with a wife and two adult sons, his name is Samson, of all names, and his surname is Michaelson, and the cherry on top, he is African American. I went past the cemetery, I see the baby’s right name and surname has been inscribed on the tombstone. I really am sorry. I will not ask your forgiveness, I don’t think I deserve it, please be well, and I pray that you find the happiness you deserve.’ I cut the call. I am sick of being asked to forgive, I know I should, but no one has considered, that some things cannot be forgiven. I still have fine scares on my legs, I hide my legs, I will never go to the beach, I can never wear shorts. No, I will have to live with this reminder until the day I die, and they all want me to forgive, no, I think the mother of demons will pass on forgiveness for now, hopefully, I will receive my Last Rites on my deathbed, believe me, good guys, end last.
My alarm woke me at five, I switched the percolator on, and had a shower, I try and eat, before I go to the shop. I have not really gained much weight, but I don’t think anyone would want to put me down, any time soon. Thomas arrived, and we received the Thanksgiving stock. He cleaned and cleared the shelves, while I helped the clients. It was an exceptionally busy day. Soon the Christmas stock will arrive. So we moved shelves. I had to buy two more shelves, Black Hills, is a tourist destination, and Tinker-bell, is by far busier, than I imagined. Thomas and I worked well together. If things continue as they are, I will have to extend the shop.
“Would you like a burger, or something else for lunch, Boss?’ He insisted on calling me boss. So I let it slide. “Yes, please, vegetarian, and a soda please.’
“That much I do know boss, and that you drink a lot of tea, with a dash of cream and one sugar, the rest is a mystery to me.’ He said it in jest, so I laughed when he left. We ate our lunch in silence. It really was a busy day. Thomas cashed up while I placed an order for more stock for the shop.
“Boss, I don’t want to over step boundaries, but would you like to have a beer?’
I thought about it. “Yes, as long as you don’t pry, I think it would be good for me to get out.’
“No, I have no intensions of prying. All I will say is, your pain is tangible, and for what it’s worth, I am truly sorry.’ I followed Thomas to a cosy little pub. He ordered us beers, and I ordered us supper. Thomas spoke about his life, no huge boulders to avoid, he was very happy at Tinker-bell.
“I am a engineer, but the elements that we work in, no, hell after the third time I had bronchitis, I saw your add, and I leaped at it, I was really happy when you hired me, boss. I enjoy the shop. It is always busy. I am much a recluse as you are, so this suited me. I can interact, and go home to my cat, Draken. He is black as night, but he has the heart of a kitten, he doesn’t like the snow, then I need to whip out the kitty-box. He is old, I think going on twenty, so he sleeps, eats, and he is my best friend, does that sound weird?’
“No, actually, that sounds like a match made in heaven, Thomas, I do envy you, that kind of love.’
He picked up on something in my voice. “He really hurt you, didn’t he?’ then he held up his hands, as if to say, he was sorry.
“Yes, he and a line of them, really hurt me. So trust is not on top of my list at the moment, and please, Thomas do not take it personally, it is not directed at you.’
“None taken. I have never in my life seen anyone as sad as you, boss, and I really hope they get their due, you are so good to people, even in the shop, you are patient and kind, and you treat me like I actually exist. My parents, well, they went on with their lives even before I was born.’ I had to laugh, it made sense to me, maybe pain, makes sense to me. “How old are you, if I may ask?’
“Boss, you can ask me anything, I am an open book. I am thirty, I have never been married, I dated on and off, but never anything serious, so yeah, I am the male version, of a spinster, with a cat, don’t forget the cat.’ I really laughed.
“My word, Thomas, I thought you were younger than me. I just turned twenty-seven. I tried the marriage thing, but I had to have an annulment. No children, that is not in my future, I have never had a pet. My parents have two loves in their lives, each other, and my younger sister. I tried to date, before I decided to move here, but wow, the ocean cannot wash me clean, from the words that has been said to me, so that department, is a no go, do not enter.’
“Well he is a colossal jack-ass, boss.’
“I don’t know, Thomas. The truth might have a nasty sting, but it still remains the truth.’ We ate and ordered one more beer, Thomas showed me photos of Draken, he was a superb animal.
“Well. I shall get the bill.’ I said to Thomas, and he would not hear another word. We said good night, and I went home. Showered and got into bed. I have not slept soundly for a very long time. I was up before my alarm went off and at the shop at seven, I opened, and it got busy. Thomas arrived at half past seven, and scolded me, for not telling him to be at the shop earlier, then he made us tea, and the influx of people kept us busy until after two. Thomas ran out and got us lunch, we took turns to eat, then it was back to work. The day passed in a flash, we closed around half past five, and it started to snow. My car wouldn’t start, so Thomas drove me home, I did not invite him in. he bid me a good night and he left. I warmed soup, it seems to have become my staple diet. Then I showered, and watched a movie, went to bed and repeated the days, one by one.
Christmas arrived, and those that wanted a white Christmas, sure got their wish. I received cards from, Lucille, Lydiana and Veronica. I sent cards back. I bought Thomas a leather briefcase, he was elated. He bought me a chain, and on it hung the Tree of Life. It was the first time I touched him. We embraced. We would be closed for two days, and he would spend Christmas with his family, I know he wanted to invite me, but he also knew I would decline. I am used to being on my own now.
Kloud phoned me on Christmas day, I had nothing to say. The phone rang again, and I was reluctant to pick it up. “Hi Abi.’ No, no and no. “Hi Michaelus, Merry Christmas.’
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