I’m walking barefoot through the memories with the fallen leaves. I’m letting go of the people I haven’t been able to forget. As the wind causes the leaves to dance among the streets we once shared, the first person I can think of is you. Out of everyone, you’re the very first.994Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm9v81zoVkv
Your smile.
Your eyes.
Your touch.
It is all that fills me as I walk. I still remember the first day we met. If we were to meet again would you remember me? My precious Daiyu, do you still remember Min-Kyu?
That day was like any other. I was dressed in the white and blue hanfu that all students were required to wear as the red-stained sky of the dawn greeted me. As I walked, I saw one of those big screens in downtown showing an interview with the emperor by a woman dressed in a red ankle-length cheongsam. It was in the Beijing dialect of Chinese that all of us had to learn, but few spoke or read it outside of school, which explained the Korean subtitles. Not that I cared. Politics had never interested me much and I never really had any desire to go take the exam at graduation to become an official despite the beliefs of my family.
It was on this ordinary day, in front of the school I had attended for only a few months that I saw her. She was dressed in the same hanfu that I wore, but as the wind blew through her black hair, I could have sworn that I saw wings. It was only a moment, but I was sure I saw them. Big white wings like that of the pictures from some of the members of that small religion in Scandinavia drew. And in that moment I was struck silent.
As if I was caught in some spell, I went to her, a stranger, and I said, “I think I love you.”
She looked at me strangely, but instead of running or yelling like I had expected, she only asked, “Why?”
“Because I saw wings,” I answered.
She laughed and said, “What a funny man you are. What’s your number? I won’t date you, but I’d like to be your friend.”
That day began the happiest days of my life. From that one moment, I was able to feel so much and accomplish so much. I was able to experience so much I would have never before been able to. I’m walking barefoot through the memories to the red-stained sky. I’m raising up the people I haven’t been able to be with. As my feet continue to walk down this road that you once showed me, I can’t help but think of all the people I left behind because of that day. But much more than that, I remember your smile the first time you showed me the dawn from the end of this path. The wind picks up again and my feet are cold, but I still walk on.
I didn’t see her again for a while, but then I began to hear about her. I had friends, but they weren’t the type of close friends I saw in dramas and novels where you could tell them anything and they would understand. They were just kind of there so I would have someone to talk to during breaks and study with before exams. It was on one of those breaks, that I learned more about her.
“Min-Kyu, you should be careful about your spot,” said Woo-Jin.
“What do you mean,” I replied bored.
“There’s a girl from the capital who transferred today. Rumors say that she’s the top candidate to score high and become an official after graduation,” answered Woo-Jin.
“So what? I’ve never really wanted to be an official. Studying is just a good way to kill time,” I replied.
“Boring as always,” retorted Seo-Yeon.
“Sometimes, I really hate you two. I’m always struggling to get in the top twenty, and you two always score in the top one percent while barely breaking a sweat,” complained Woo-Jin.
Me and Seo-Yeon grinned in response.
Then Woo-Jin continued, “Well, not only does she have the brains, but she’s a real beauty too. Min-Jae just sent me a picture. Take a look.”
He then showed us the picture of the girl I had spotted in front of the school. Although it was a sneak shot because her eyes weren’t facing the camera.
Immediately, I panicked and exclaimed, “That’s the girl you were talking about? Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”
Both Woo-Jin and Seo-Yeon looked at me strangely, then broke out laughing.
With my face flaming red, I asked, “What’s so funny?”
Seo-Yeon replied, “I think that’s the first time you’ve ever gotten so expressive.”
“She’s right. Min-Kyu, do you have a crush on this capital girl or something,” asked Woo-Jin.
“Don’t be stupid,” I responded.
“Yeah, this is Min-Kyu were talking about. He wouldn’t do something as stupid as falling for a capital girl. But out of curiosity, what’s this girl’s name,” added in Seo-Yeon.
“Daiyu,” answered Woo-Jin.
A week later Daiyu contacted me and we agreed to meet.
Looking back, I wonder why I didn’t trust them back then. Why is it that I never took that step? Why was it that I never saw what was right before me? If I did, would things have been different? No. No, they wouldn’t have. Even if I had told them and they had tried to stop me from the beginning, things wouldn’t have different. Because no matter what, I don’t regret loving Daiyu. Looking back, I never considered myself the romantic sort, but I suppose all people change.
Time passes like water flows. I’m building a dam called memories. I remember all the times I laughed with them and all the times we cried over that demon they called exam day. And I remember how I slowly, but surely, pushed away those two who had always been by my side. Why is it that it is only now that everything is so clear to me?
Daiyu, why did I follow you that day? What was it that drew me to you like a moth to a flame?
The day you told me to meet you was the first day in my life that I had ever ditched school, but still, I wanted to see what was it you wanted to show me so I met you at the base of Mount Inwangsan dressed in a dark blue knee length tunic and pants with brown boots so that I wouldn’t be caught as a student who had ditched classes. You were dressed in a light pink ankle length cheongsam style tunic with white pants tucked into brown boots and your black hair hanging through a single braid.
There are memories that I couldn’t hold onto and yet I can still remember each detail of that day. I still remember the crowded metro I took to reach you and I still remember how you looked. I still remember the autumn wind and the leaves and the sky and the trees. I still remember the companionable silence we shared as we made that thirty minute hike to the top.
I remember it all.
And I remember your words with the horizon and all of Seoul laid before you. It’s the reason why I look beyond the horizon again today.
You looked at me and said, “You know my mother is from Korea. More than any other province, I’ve always loved this one. That’s why I want to become an official representing this province. Not just Seoul, but all of Korea. I want to be there for its people. Only two out of the entire province are allowed to go to the capital for further training to become an official. When the time comes, will you take the exam with me?”
“Yes,” I answered.
I don’t know why I said that. It was the first time I had ever been so moved in my young life. I had never liked politics, but seeing the passion in her clear jade black eyes, I wanted to care. I wanted to do the great things that her eyes told me I could do; things I had never cared nor bothered to do before. I wanted to try.
And so I did.
I could not remember ever working so hard in my life. But from this new fervor I began to slowly, but surely, distance myself from the people who were my friends. At first they would ask questions and try to get me to hang out with them, but as time went on, their calls and texts became less frequent.
I’m walking barefoot through the memories. The colored leaves that embrace me,994Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pliw0qHlW
I’m giving my all as I softly lean on them. I couldn’t remember studying or working so hard in my entire life, but as time moved on that’s all that my life seemed to consist of: studying and Daiyu. And when we talked, I could not imagine that such an amazing person had existed. Not only was she intelligent, but we shared the same taste in music and dramas. What most likely started out as a small crush soon grew bigger than I could have ever imagined.
And then the most miraculous thing happened: as we began to spend more and more time together, she returned my feelings that I had always been honest about. I couldn’t remember being so happy in my life.
But I’ve heard it said that all good things must come to an end.
I’m walking barefoot through the memories.
The time we spent together.
The day we shared our first kiss in front of the old ginko tree.
The way you would tuck a strand of hair behind your ear when you were nervous.
Your strength and courage.
I see all of it as I’m walking barefoot through the memories.
And soon autumn came and we were to prepare for the first round of official exams that all students in every province took in hopes of becoming an official and being sent to the capital. As I stand here and think of those days with the fully ripe scent of autumn, I hold onto my hungry heart and fall fast asleep.
When I awake, the memories come back and I find that the flowers and trees of my heart are withering. The memories are buried too deep, I can’t take them out. It is beautiful that they are asleep in that place. just the way they are.
On that day, we had both passed the first rounds of exams so had decided to celebrate by eating out before preparing for the next rounds that were set to occur in few months. Looking back, it happened so fast. Logically, I couldn’t have done anything, but there are times when my mind doesn’t want to think logically.
We were walking down a street to Seoul after a good night and we were laughing about some joke we saw in a drama. Or was it off the internet? I can’t remember. I should remember.
And out of nowhere, a young man yells at us in angry Chinese before aiming a gun at me, but right before it hits me, you push me aside and your once white hanfu becomes stained crimson with blood.
It’s sad. It’s sad.
In the dramas, when someone important to you dies they cry and scream, but in real life that’s not how it is. I was frozen in place as the murderer ran and my own hanfu began to become drenched in the blood of my beloved. Why couldn’t I move? Maybe if I moved, I could have called 119 and done something? But. I. Could. Not. Move.
I’m walking barefoot through the memories. In the yellow ginkgo tree where you first kissed me I call out to the old memories that are hiding. I’m walking barefoot through the memories994Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbOOaINzFx
with the blowing wind I hold tight to the eyes that are closed in my heart.
At the top of Mount Inwangsan, I stand before your grave that oversees all of Seoul and I tell you, “I’ve seen your dream through.”
