The meeting was over, and Melinda walked out of the room. She had absolutely no idea what had been discussed, but she hoped she hadn’t made too much of an ass out of herself. Her mind was wandering in entirely different circles.
She walked into the women’s restroom and went to wash her face with cold water. She looked into the mirror and into her own eyes. "What’s wrong with me?" she said aloud. "Why am I acting like this?"
She heard a flush, and the last stall opened. A coworker stepped out and smiled at her. "Existential crisis there, Williams?" she said and chuckled. Melinda blushed.
"I… No… I mean... Oh God, I said that aloud, didn’t I?" she said, and grinned awkwardly.
Her coworker went to wash her hands and nodded at her.
"You sure did, Williams," she said. "You okay, there? You seem to be out of it, today," she said.
Melinda thought for a second to deny all of it and play it off, but then just sighed, shook her head and dropped her shoulders, defeated.
"Yeah, listen… Greenway, have you ever had a moment where you doubted your whole life and had no idea why you were doing what you were?" she said.
Her coworker, Greenway, laughed vividly and nodded.
"All the time, Williams, all the time," she said, chuckling. "That’s life for you, Williams. I know you’re young still, but when you get to my age, you notice that unlike what you thought, you actually know nothing about your life and wonder how the heck did you get through being younger without noticing something," she said, dried her hands and turned toward Melinda.
"Anything specific there, darling? Let auntie Charlotte lend an ear and maybe a shoulder," she said.
Melinda hesitated and sighed. "It’s just that… there’s this friend I have…" she said. "A female friend. We’ve been good friends for ages now, I think we met before high school, maybe even in elementary. I honestly don’t know. We’ve not been besties or anything, but we hang out regularly, and we’ve been good for years," she said.
Greenway nodded at her. "But now something’s changed with her?" she asked.
Melinda shook her head. "No… not as such. She’s… she’s always been herself. See… It’s not my place to say this, but it needs to be said here. I’m sorry. She’s gay. She’s always been. She’s out and proud and has been dating girls ever since high school," she said.
Greenway chuckled and grinned a knowing smile at her. She nodded.
"And now something’s changed? Not with her, but… your relationship with her," she said.
Melinda blushed and nodded meekly. "Yeah, yeah it has…" she said.
"She’s started looking at you—?" Greenway said.
Melinda blushed harder and shook her head ever so lightly. "No, not her…" she said.
"Oh!" Greenway said, "Oh…"
Melinda nodded and looked down. "Yeah… She… she got badly burned and dumped by her ex just yesterday, and… Something’s different, Greenway. I keep thinking about her a whole lot more than I used to.
“My heart aches when I see her cry. I keep on thinking I should hold her and hug her. My heart beats really fast when she’s near. I can’t keep her from my thoughts and it absolutely kills me to think that she might, at this very moment, be alone in her home, crying her eyes out because of that bitch," she said.
"She’s your friend, Williams. That’s entirely normal," Greenway said. "You’re not weird for wanting to console your friend and make sure she’s alright."
"No, I know that," Melinda said. "It’s just that… Look, I’m straight. At least that’s what I’ve always thought.
“I never had a boyfriend, but I thought it was just that I had never found the right one… But looking at her… I don’t know, Greenway, I don’t know," she said. "It’s not just that I want to console her as a friend…" Melinda said and took a deep breath.
"But I keep thinking ‘I could do better than that bitch’ when I think about her ex… I keep thinking that I wouldn’t betray her, or hurt her. And not just as a friend, but…" she said and leaned down to the sink. "But as a lover," she added quietly, and felt her ears turn red and hot.
Greenway put her hand on Melinda’s shoulder. "It’s okay, Williams. There’s nothing wrong with you. For the record, you will find no judgement from me.
“At 45, I have stopped caring about other people’s business and if it doesn’t affect me, it’s all the same to me what people do. I can’t say I understand it fully, but… ain’t love just love, Williams? I don’t think love considers gender at all," she said. She patted Melinda’s shoulder gently.
"Think hard on what you want, Williams," she said, then turned around to leave. "Think hard and make sure of yourself first. You don’t want to get started with your friend and then disappoint her by saying ‘sorry I was wrong,’
“I must go to another meeting now, but… I’m ready to lend an ear anytime I’m free. Come find me if you need one," she said and walked to the door.
She paused, turned to look at Melinda and said, "Love is never a bad thing, Williams. You’re a beautiful young woman, there’s no shortage of potential partners for you out there, man or woman. But if it’s her your heart has selected… go for it." With that, she walked away and closed the door behind her.
"Oh, my goddess," Melinda said, and shuddered. "What have I done?" she asked. She looked up and into her slightly reddish eyes in the mirror.
"I can’t do this to her, not so soon after Evans… But I need to make sure…" she said and picked up her phone.
(Melinda) Emi. You up for another cocoa one of these days? Weekend, perhaps?
She put the phone back into her pocket, washed her face again, took a deep breath and walked out to work for the rest of the day.
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