I started to write this about a friend of mine with love and self esteem issues. It started out good, but then I remembered I had problems of my own. I kind of let my bad feelings out onto the page. The first half was written the night before, the other half tonight. It's not the best, but its all I felt like writing. I wanted to get some stuff out of my head before it drove me crazy. I did some self realization and forgot that I was the pretender. Happiness isn't just around the corner, you know. I forgot how hard living was, I miss the ignorance.1087Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLZri8okIkB
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I have a friend. A relationship is everything to her. Love is everything to her. After a few weeks, she’ll declare she’s in love. After a about a month, she says she might even marry him. But, she never makes it to a year, or even a couple of months. Do you want to know why?
She doesn’t love herself.
Truthfully, I don’t really either. I’m trying to, like her, get to that better place… an accepting place. A place where it doesn’t matter what we look like or how bad we think we are, we are trying to get to a place where we can love ourselves.
I’ve taken up biking. Those people you see biking on the side of the road who go too slow and get in the way? I’m one of them. Well, I try not to be in the way, but I mean share the road people. Anyway, back on topic, I’ve taken up biking for me. And only me. I want to make myself happier and healthier and stronger. I want to be a person someone can look up to and think kindly about. You don’t have to exercise to become a person you want to be, though.
You think you’re fat? For all I know you’re a toothpick. I kind of am, I just want some muscle so I don’t look like a complete idiot when I try to pick something up. What I’m saying is, not only can you “fix” what’s on the outside, the inside can use some work too.
How many of you go on Tumblr and look up depressing quotes or watch sad movies so you have an excuse to cry? I know I do sometimes. That’s part of the reason you’re so down. When you think negatively, you become a negative person. You don’t have to look up those quotes and wallow in your sadness. You’re bringing yourself down! If you want to be happy, be happy.
It’s so simple.
Stop looking at those quotes, stop watching depressing crap on Netflix. Try smiling every once in a while. There’s nothing to smile about? Sure there is! You’re breathing aren’t you?! There’s a lot to love about life, you just have to open your eyes and see it. You have to want to see it, or you won’t. Think about what you do have instead of what you don’t.
“I don’t have a boyfriend,” or “I’m not rich,” or “I’m so ugly,” or “That person is so much better than me,” are phrases that have no room in your life. Positivity is something that you have to let yourself have. Stop with the pity party and enjoy life before it’s too late. And unless you’re on your death bed then I don’t see any reason for you not to live your life to the fullest.
You are wasting your time being sad and mopey all the time. Stop thinking the worst is always going to happen because you don’t know what’s going to happen. But if you think it will go bad, then it probably will. Attitude and outlook are the key. Instead of being pessimistic, be optimistic. Think of the best future instead of the worst. You want tomorrow to be a good day? Make it one. Don’t be sad about every little mishap. Things happen, but it’s not the end of the world.
Just stay positive and – who am I kidding?
This is a load of crap! It’s not as easy as one, two, three to turn off your emotions. You can’t just be happy just like that! It’s not that simple. What was I thinking? I’m such an idiot. Why would I even give people this advice when I can’t even take my own? How am I supposed to be happy when I can’t even move on.
Stop thinking about that boy who makes you giddy.
Stop thinking anything could ever happen between you two.
Stop being so sad and pathetic.
Stop with the bull crap.
Just everything stop!
I wish it was easy. I wish it was simple. I wish I could turn a switch and everything would be okay. But, it’s not. Everything is not okay. I want to cry. I want to lash out at the world for making me feel this way about someone who isn’t even nice to me. How crazy am I? I’m just so stupid. Why can’t I see that?
Well, I can see that. I just can’t stop it.
It’s hard. He’s everywhere! How can you get away from someone who is everywhere?! It’s practically impossible. Ignore him? How could I? My heart says yes, but my mind says: “What the hell are you thinking”?
I’m not thinking. Maybe that’s it.
I mean, why do I even still have his number? Because I might need it for when he suddenly realizes I’m the one or something? This isn’t a fairytale and I need to grow up, right? Right.
I need to just stop it already! I can’t fix him, I can’t make him who I want him to be. But he’s everywhere. EVERYWHERE. How can I forget about someone who is freaking everywhere? It’s practically impossible! I’m so pathetic.
I act all brave and happy and smile, but in reality I’m so sad. I want to cry and scream. On the inside I feel like I’m dying every time I see him. I want to hit him in the face. I want to yell at him about how stupid he is! I’m right here and he chooses my bestfriend instead, right in front of me! But then when she’s gone, he comes back to me. When he does, I won’t be able to resist. I’ll be happy for the sudden attention. Then I blame him for my heart break when he leaves again. But it’s all on me. I’m the dumb one.
I keep going back. I’m so lonely and desperate that I settle for second best. It’s sad, really. I feel alone. But, I shouldn’t need a person to make me fill that gap. I should be that filling. I should be independent and rely on myself. But I’m not even strong enough for myself to lean on. I need someone better, something that will keep me going because I’m weak.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and let people push me around and try to do the better thing. I try to be the better person. I don’t get mad at my bestfriend for falling for the same guy I did. I accept it because I think: “What if they are meant to be? What if that’s her true love”? I would be messing it all up for them. But then I think, what about me, where’s my true love? Why can’t I get a happy ending? What am I supposed to do when I’m all alone and have no one? What do they get that happiness? Why can’t I?
Then I get bitter and mad at them! I get mad at my sweet, wonderful bestfriend who knew I liked him. But I could interfere because I can’t make someone love me if they don’t, even if I take who they like away. It doesn’t work like that. It’s not that simple anymore.
Love is a wondering fish.
We all wonder around restlessly in the ocean of love, not sure what to do with ourselves. We are pathetic, lonely, selfish fish who only wish to walk on the land of love.
I’m a fake, sad fish.
Optimistic? Try pessimistic.
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