Ajax couldn’t help but feel dread as she nodded stiffly towards her room before sauntering off. Black hair flying in a flurry behind her. Her high heels were loud walking away, and Ajax could only accept his oncoming fate now.
Mrs. Lang guided Ajax to her classroom, where she sat down at her desk. It seemed cleaner than Ajax had last seen it, and he nervously scratched the bottom side of his arm. He had to have an intervention last time. That was last year, and he remained nervous. He blamed that time on the human parts of his brain that were prone to feel emotions more intensely. It hadn’t been his fault, but he’d still melted down. Horrifying both Azame and Mrs. Lang, who’d always been kind to Ajax.
An empty classroom behind him was when Ajax realized that Mrs. Lang had a free period around this time, which was rare for the always busy English teacher. Almost like the very instance Ajax had entered the school, he’d been an outcast. Whether it be other teachers’ passive racism towards his skin color, or Mrs. Lang’s mother hen nature. As soon as she saw him struggling mentally, she tried to jump in and help him. Ajax hated it. He hated that his mother wouldn’t do the same, but this human woman would. Outside of school, they were strangers but she always slipped him snacks and made sure he could go on all the extra trips. These were things that real mothers did for their children. Instead, his mother had beaten him down most of his life. Had made him feel less than useless.
Ajax hated that Mrs. Lang was his English teacher, and his mother was a Protector. If only they switched roles and then Ajax could have a loving mother. Strict, but forgiving. Most of the time, his mother struggled to look at him, because in Ajax’s world, he was shameful. A sin she’d committed, and couldn’t live with. In their eyes Ajax only ever screwed up or betrayed their culture. It was a rough childhood. Mrs. Lang would look at him disapprovingly, but she never hurt him. Never hit him, never yelled at him and when he messed up, she helped him figure it out. Ajax would die for Mrs. Lang. Perhaps that was the problem.
“Ajax,” Mrs. Lang snapped once Ajax had pulled his chair up. “Where were you last night and today?”
Ajax nervously tapped his fingers against the desk surface. He didn’t want to answer, nor did he know how. Telling Mrs. Lang there was an important duty taking precedence over everything else was impossible. Sitting directly on his back, just in between his shoulders was an immense pressure that he’d lived with since the very beginning. He knew little else.
“To the girls' dorm, they were holding a party… and I went with the boys,” Ajax said.
He tried to pass himself off as someone smug, but he quickly realized that that wasn’t something he could feign easily. With all the training he had as a kid, he thought he’d be better at pretending to be who he wasn’t, finding only that he failed every single time. He wasn’t good at pretending. He had a long way to go before he was convincing enough.
“Sure,” she said. “Because that’s been you all these years. Chasing skirts since you began here.”
Ajax shrugged mildly. “What can I say?”
Mrs. Lang raised her eyebrow as she looked down at him with such a look that Ajax felt his mouth grow dry. Of course, she would catch him easily. “You can start by being honest with me.”
“Why do you even know that I took off last night, anyway?” Ajax asked offhandedly. “You weren’t running lights out last night. Mr. Conner was.”
“Teachers talk, Ajax,” she said mildly. “And you weren’t in my class this morning, so I assumed you took off again. It’s become a habit.”
Ajax shrugged idly. “Your class is boring. So are all the others.”
“See if that were the Johnson boys, I would believe it. But with you? Complete bullshit. In fact, your writing skills are better than most in my class, and you’re not there for half of it,” she replied simply. “So, I know there’s something else going on.”
Ajax said. “There’s nothing going on.”
“Do you not remember that time when no one could find you? That I volunteered to stay behind and look for you last year? That kid, Grant, looked for you and Azame was distraught trying to find you? How scared we were? And now when you take off, we can’t help but think that something has happened to you again,” she snapped. “I don’t want to end up attending my favorite student’s funeral for god sakes.”
Ajax remembered that time well, a time he wasn’t proud of. When the human part of him won against the Protector part, and he almost did something he would have regretted. He’d felt like the world couldn’t push him anymore, and yet it kept pushing… leaving him drowning in waves that had long since closed over his head. He remembered how much it had hurt to be left like that.
That year, the first one to find him was Grant and he couldn’t help but be grateful because that was the first time Ajax had cried in a really long time. He’d grown up listening to Protectors who said he had to be a man, to be strong like a Protector. That Protectors didn’t feel things like existential dread, hopelessness and mental anguish… so when Ajax began the fight against it, he didn't know what to do or how to stop it. It boiled over until he decided… he was going to end it. He was going to be at peace, finally, after so long.
Then Grant had found him, talked to him… and just like that, Ajax was saved from the edge that had threatened to consume him mere hours before. He’d wiped his tears clean from his face and kept going, even when everything in him wanted to stop. It was fine. That day he found out that he was one of the toughest people he’d ever known, simply because he chose to keep going.
And for that, he couldn’t help but be grateful. He knew just how scary it must have been for everyone… and he couldn’t help but apologize repeatedly for his mental health. He’d been lucky. Not everyone was that lucky.
“I promise it’s not… that,” he said.
Mrs. Lang pursed her lips. “Good… good. I’d rather not lose you, Ajax. You have so much going for you. I know other teachers are hard on you, and they shouldn’t be… but you do phenomenal, regardless. I always enjoy reading your essays or proofing your work. You have a mind meant to reach people. I don’t want to see that talent go to waste.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Lang. You don’t know how much that really means,” Ajax said. “But what’s going on in my life? I truly can’t tell you. I wish… I wish I could. There’s been days where I want to come out and just say it… but I can’t.”
Mrs. Lang knit her brows together, surprising him once more for just how easily she could read him. “You’re not in danger, are you?”
Ajax couldn’t help but chuckle oddly. “No… no, nothing like that, Mrs. Lang. I assure you. More a family thing.”
“Family thing? So, dealing with Azame, then?” She asked.
“Sort of,” Ajax said. “But I’m ok, and I’ll start going to class more regularly. I just have to get away sometimes and breathe.”
She nodded. “I understand. Having three sisters and being the oldest makes you understand. I get it. You’re not related by blood, but I’m sure having your younger brother here puts a little strain on you. Even though he’s not much younger.”
Ajax laughed openly. “You wouldn’t believe how much stress it is! I have to make sure I keep him on track because he gets off track easily. He’s good with his hands, but little else.”
“He’s a good kid,” she said.
“He is.”
“Hmm,” Mrs. Lang said before pursing her lips. “I don’t know what it is you have with Azame that keeps you held back so much, but we want you to succeed, too. Not just Azame, because of course we want him to become successful, but you. You’re no bit less important than Azame. I want you to remember that. You can leave, but make sure you go to class tomorrow!”
Ajax’s cheeks were brushed with redness as he stood up and nodded his head towards her. He reached the door before turning around suddenly. He paused, raising his hand before letting it drop back to his side.
“Thank you.... For believing in me,” he said, before giving her a smile.
Mrs. Lang mirrored his smile, but it seemed more sincere and softer. “Don’t you forget that you always have a safe place here in my classroom? You can always come to me if something has you down. It doesn’t matter what it is, this is a safe place. And… I’m an Ally to the LGBTQ+ Community, so if that’s what’s holding you back, then… you are safe. You will always find acceptance here.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Lang. You don’t know how much that means to me,” Ajax said before he got up.
As soon as he shut the door behind him, he took a deep breath. He had to steady himself because that was, in all manners, embarrassing, but he found it was needed. Acceptance. He rarely had that.
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