Feathers of Life

At what age does life become easier or is everything just a raffle draw full of bullshit luck waiting for you at the next chapter of your life. I never finished highschool for many reasons and my family was more broken then happy or even partially together. Today I turn twenty yet nothing feels accomplished and no matter how hard I try things seem to go left till the glass falls. Most people will use that reference about glass half full or overflowing but mine is unbalanced and always tipping over. My first relationship happened at a bad moment in life and I can only assume he was a good guy but is that my fault or my luck in life, does anyone need to claim fault or does it make us feel better. I was struggling inside my head at the time which made arguments from nothing and they just spiraled endlessly. I tried the doctors and the medication but I was killing a part of myself with each pill and that made me even more depressed. The last argument told me that this relationship wasn't meant to be since my beliefs and his clashed. He wanted me on the pills so I could always be calm, yet I couldn't continue down that road knowing I was losing pieces of me.

it's true if we could only argue then why did we not end sooner but how do you end a relationship that became a lightning rod anchoring you. He was a shelter no matter our problems created by me and that shelter kept me safe from the horrors waiting for me everyday I was awake. So I never ended it till that single moment he basically told me, it was okay to lose me if it helped me be at peace inside. I can't blame him or those words but I also couldn't stay in that relationship, but just maybe if my life was different it would have been beautiful. Every day after that I had to cope with myself and find the correct way to coexist inside my own head, a battle I win and lose everyday. A few months later my job had to lay me off due to money and merging companies which made living arrangements problematic. Going home was an option but to what end exactly since going back to a broken home wouldn't help me in any capacity. So a friend let me rent her spare room which was a storage closet but I couldn't complain if it gave me a roof and somewhere to sleep. She was a good girl that made her way in life following the rules but she was never a push over either. Leading me to often wonder if I was a pushover and I just never noticed it.

Within a week I had found a job at a cafe and part time work at a construction job which helped me bring in cash quickly. My managing skills came in clutch with that job since they had no other openings and my experience was above the requirements they wanted. working at a factory gave me something useful at least and all the aggravations leading those people paid off for me. Even though my mind is a mess I can work effortlessly and keep moving forward in life with minor hiccups. After a month of saving I found a building that needed an owner which now serves as my home and business. The couple gave me an offer I couldn't turn down and equally they couldn't wait to go on vacation which is where all my money went but it made me feel good inside at least. Some good happened but a lot of bad followed alongside it equally and before my birthday arrived I found myself sitting in jail for trying to help a stranger. Even though it was a misunderstanding, it affected some of my work and even my own business creating problems and creating decisions.

All this leading up to my birthday when I received a blind date invite from a few friends which made my stomach twist and turn. Not only did I need to give a proper explanation to my bosses about why I was in jail but the building I own needed maintenance and love. On top of everything I could feel an episode building up which happens often when the stress becomes far too much for me, making my head spiral in madness. Yet what could i do other than accept the blind date and hope for the best from tonight since it could also help me destress.