I'm so sorry for this long rant, but I don't know who else to talk to. I swear I tried to shorten it, but it still ended up pretty long...
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I've often struggled with my religion. I've always believed in God since we grew up in a religious family, but now that I think about it, I'm starting to lose a lot of faith.
I recently learned religious/spiritual abuse from parents was a thing. And it just shocked me that so many of the signs that I grew up thinking was "normal" were considered "abuse."
For example-- shame. I was always told that I have to live in constant fear of the Lord. If you even think about something considered unholy or give in to the slightest of temptations, you should feel ashamed of yourself and repent immediately. Because I'm guilty of so many wrongdoings in my life, I'm basically giving up hope now. I pretty much think God gave up on me, even punishing me.
Another example-- my mom doesn't believe in depression AT ALL. I actually believed that depression and anxiety were evil, that it was Satan's work and I had to pray to make those things go away. But I've felt depressed for almost two years now, and no matter how hard I prayed, it wouldn't go away.
"Depression is a mental illness. It is not a choice, it's something you need treatment for."
But of course, my mom thinks therapy is a sin because we can only rely on God. So it's pointless to even bring it up. But I feel so betrayed and now I start wondering what else my mom told me that was untrue all along. Because of this, I'm even questioning my own religion, and starting to feel even more guilty.
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But the thing is, my mom told me she suffered with depression growing up. I won't say anything else because it's personal to her, but she has gone through even worse things than me. So she knows what it feels like. But she said she was healed when she met God. Do you see my confusion? That's why I believed her. If God had healed her, then why isn't he helping me? I sound so stupid honestly.
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If you've noticed, I only talked about my mom. I'm not 100% sure, but I think my dad would get me the help I needed from therapy. But we're not even that close, and if I did talk to him about it, he'd obviously tell my mom and they'd get into another big fight. Then it'd be all my fault again. I'm convinced my parents don't truly love each other but they'd never separate because it's against God's word.
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It's funny, because I've always thought my parents were the definition of true love. Lol, they don't even sleep in the same room. I've never even seen them show any affection to each other at all. Closest thing to that was an "I love you" on a card on birthdays and that's it.
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Anyway there was actually more, but it's already long. Once again I apologize for how long it is, you don't have to read it. It's mostly just a jumble of thoughts. Thank you.
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