As I lay there in the hospital bed, I felt a sense of helplessness and despair. I had failed so miserably, and the thought that someone might have seen me made me cringe with embarrassment. The days seemed to stretch endlessly as I lay there, staring at the ceiling and wondering what to do next.
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But then Karen came to see me. She brought with her a bag of Star Wars gummies - a small, sweet gesture that made me feel so much better. As I reached for the bag, the crinkle of the plastic wrapper seemed to echo loudly in the quiet room. I popped a gummy into my mouth and savored the fruity flavor. It was a slight moment of happiness amidst all the pain and discomfort.
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Karen sat by my bedside, and we chatted for a while. She asked me how I was feeling and if there was anything she could do to help. Her concern and care were palpable, and it made me feel so grateful to have her in my life. As she got up to leave, she gave me a warm hug and told me that she was there for me. That moment of connection stayed with me long after she had gone, and it gave me the strength to keep going, even when things seemed impossible. I grinned, as it reminded me of how much she cared about me.
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A little bit after Karen left I was told they found me a hospital with better care for me in Bakersfield. What I didn’t know was this place was for people like me who wanted to or actually tried to do themselves in. As soon as they got transportation to Bakersfield they brought me there, and it was like a whole new world over there at that hospital. We were actually able to come out of our beds and rooms. It was apparent that this wasn’t a regular hospital.
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I remember meeting this boy while I was over there he helped me work through my feelings. He was friendly to me. He was everything I wished I was. He was confident, and funny, I had no idea why he was even there, he was just so… happy. Something I felt I could never be or that i deserved.
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After a week or so I began to “fake till I make it” as people would tell me. I would pretend to be happy because I felt like if I could pretend to be happy, good things would happen to me. I thought this because well if cheerful people were having good things happen to them then maybe if I were to act like that good things would happen instead of bad. Oh how wrong I was.
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