I get up early in the morning to read over my notes on baptism in my bible. It's not just a dunk in some water. It's symbolizing rebirth—a ceremony where you accept God into your heart and become reborn anew. Jesus was baptized. And now Lucy will be. Lucy will be reborn today.
I'm really hoping this will steer Lucy in the right direction. Though she calls herself the Devil, I don't see a Devil when I look into her eyes. I see someone who blames themselves for all the trauma they've been through and she does all these favors for people to please them. So she talks, acts, and does things that any troubled seventeen-year-old named Lucyfer hearing a voice claiming to be the Devil would do to cope. I'm hoping God of all beings can help her on this journey of redemption. And I'm hoping it starts today.
Although there is a reality that I may have to accept. One that I accepted with the presence of Jesus. The Devil may never leave Lucy's side. I've been on countless drugs. Multiple therapies. ECT. And yet, Jesus is still here. It's possible that baptism may not be enough the cleanse the Devil from Lucy.
It is different though. I have Jesus. She has the Devil. So hopefully this will work.
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Delilah is the first to arrive at my house. I let her in and she takes a seat on my couch.
"I've been meaning to ask you about Lucy," I start. Delilah looks up waiting for me to ask, "What was it like when you guys first met?"
"Strange is a word I guess I could use to describe it. I was running away from my foster home for the hundredth time. When I came across a crossroads, I noticed a van. The back of the van opened and these two guys dressed in black pushed this naked woman into the center of the crossroads and drove off. The woman happened to be Lucy. I ran up to her, asking if she was okay and she acted like her normal Lucy self. Exuberant, sweet, funny. I took her back to my foster home, they took her in, and we started dating soon after that. Every time I tried to ask her about what happened that night she'd just switch the subject."
"It seems she has a lot of demons."
"Yeah. I wish she'd talk to someone about them. It seems like she likes you. So maybe you can get her to talk. Or at least get her to stop blaming herself for whatever happened during that time."
Someone knocks at the door. I open it and it's Squid. Squid enters and takes a seat next to Delilah.
"So how's this gonna work?" Squid asks, "Is there a river we're gonna go to or something?"
"No, it's too cold for that," I say, "They're gonna use inflatable hot tubs in the church."
Another knock at the door. This time it's Lucy wearing booty shorts and a black 'Dying Fetus' shirt that's see-through, showing that she's not wearing anything underneath. But she brought the towel I told her to.
"Looks like we're ready to go," I say to everyone, and we all make our way to my car.
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The drive to Willow Creek's Church takes a while but enjoy the drive regardless. Delilah, Squid, and Lucy are all listening in the same session on a music streaming app together. Delilah offered for me to be a part of it by lending one of her earbuds but I declined. I wanted to be in silence.
I drive for about five minutes until I hear some interference with my radio. I ignore it, assuming it's just the crappy signal I get from up here in the mountains.
"Ju—My," the radio stutters, "Judas?"
I cock my head and move my attention to the radio.
"Judas can you hear me?" The radio asks.
I recognize the voice from anywhere.
"Jesus, is that you?" I ask the radio.
"The one and only," The radio replies, "How are you?"
"I'm—okay I guess. Why are you in my radio?"
"I'm The Son of God, I can be anywhere I want to be. Plus, I really would like to talk to you right now."
I look around the car. Everyone is fixated on their phones.
"What about?" I ask.
"Well, you remember our time in the cemetery, right? We discussed what a person of wisdom displays."
"Right."
"Humility, discernment, integrity, knowledge, self-control, prudence, teachability, patience just to name a few. But you may look at that list and feel overwhelmed. You may look at that list and see a list of things you are terrible at. A list of things you have a lot of work to do on. And the picture of wisdom may seem impossible to reach. How does one get there? 'I feel like I'm such a massive work in progress and there's just too much work to be done I don't even know where to start.'
So it becomes overwhelming. And if you stay in that overwhelmed mindset it leads to defeat. And when we sit in that defeat for too long, we say things to ourselves like, 'Why even try in the first place? What's the point? Why chase after all of this wisdom when it doesn't seem to be changing my life yet?'
Inevitably, if that point of view doesn't change, you tap out. And that doesn't mean you give up on me and faith. It can mean that you still believe and that you still have faith but when it comes to your spiritual growth and your spiritual journey you're just done. This is as good as it's going to get. And if you've felt that way before Judas, I really want to speak to you today. I hope what I'm about to tell you helps you when you feel stuck in defeat.
But before we jump in, I want to talk about why it's so easy to become defeated and want to tap out. I believe that everyone should be a good student of their culture. What I mean is we should be aware of the world that we live in and aware of how it shapes us; for better or for worse. And there is this value that our culture maintains that I believe leads to defeat for most. This value is so deeply embedded into today's culture no one even thinks about it anymore and it has shaped everyone, you included, Judas, that we can't quite imagine living without it. This value is 'instant gratification'.
In case you didn't know, instant gratification is the idea that getting what you want as soon as possible is always a good thing. It's the idea that waiting for what you want is something we should try to make unnecessary. And because of so many advancements in technology in the last few decades, instant gratification is the new norm. Because for the most part, we can get most of what we want and we can get it now. This value of instant gratification is everywhere. For example, your mother loves streaming services. All of those are built around the idea that you can watch whatever you want wherever you want. And we've come to expect that."
My mother watches a lot of shows at work. Delilah likes to watch Bob's Burgers before she goes to bed.
"How about Amazon Prime? Ask your mother about when you had to go to stores to get things you wanted. You don't have to get dressed during the day to go to Walmart anymore. And on top of that Amazon does there 'one-day shipping' deal. So most people end up spending more money just to get what they want sooner. So the next thing you know you're buying something else that you don't really need just to make sure you get the other thing that you don't really need today. Uber Eats is for people who want to eat takeout but don't want to drive to the restaurant to take it out of there. Online grocery pickup gets you out of the dreaded experience of spending an hour in Walmart with your children. Dating apps are designed to match you with other people without having to do all the work of genuinely meeting people and getting to know them. Advertisements feed off this. Pay attention next time you're watching commercials. They feed off of instant gratification. This world is advertising and aiming at instant gratification. The act of receiving a reward without having to wait or work for it.
The problem with instant gratification is that it's inherently childish. And whenever you're being childish, you aren't being wise. Instant gratification is childish and we know this because this is how children act and it drives us mad. Your children can be hungry. Starved. And they'll sit down and eat dinner but the second they hear they can have ice cream sandwiches afterwards they're immediately full. When you tell them they only have a few weeks till summer they think it's a lifetime. When you tell them you can play video games with them in forty-five minutes you might as well have said no. It's not quick enough. It's not soon enough. It's not instant enough. At its core, instant gratification is childlike behavior. But because it's become so prevalent in today's culture and society, we rarely take the time to realize that whenever we want what we want and we want it now, we're really adults acting like children.
What does this have to do with our talk today? Well, I think it's important for us to realize and admit how our culture has shaped us. And how we've been shaped by this value of instant gratification. I believe it's good to know that this culture of instant gratification leads to defeat. Every single time. This is why so many of us feel defeated whenever we're trying our best to follow what I have said is a right and good and better life. We're trying but it feels like we're not seeing enough change. We're so conditioned by instant gratification that if we don't change overnight we start to wonder, 'Is Jesus actually working in my life? Is he actually changing me? Is he healing me?'
And we begin to doubt that. Simply because we've been giving Jesus a try for a while now and we don't seem to be radically different yet. And so the thought becomes, 'Why even try in the first place? Why am I chasing after all of this if I feel like nothing is changing? Why not just quit while I'm ahead?'
Your desires are right. You want to change. It just feels like we aren't changing. So we feel defeated. And we think about tapping out.
And that's what I want to talk to you today, Judas. The cherry on top if you will. It is this thing that will hold us together when we feel defeated. It will keep us going when we feel like quitting. It's a recurring theme in Proverbs and that theme is diligence. Diligence is persistent work and effort, in spite of difficulty or opposition. And a recurring theme in Proverbs is that a wise person is a diligent person.
Now I'm not going to read every verse on diligence. You have friends to baptize after all. But I have three that have caught my eye. Three that are relevant today just as they were thousands of years ago. Our first verse goes like this:
'He works his land will have abundant food, but he who chases fantasies lacks judgment.'
What does it take to work the land? It takes blood, sweat, and tears, and more than anything else it takes time. And as much as technology has advanced, there's still no shortcut to a harvest. It doesn't exist. You still have to plant the seed and wait for it to grow. But the shortcut, the fantasy, isn't worth chasing after. There are no shortcuts to spiritual growth and maturity. There are no shortcuts to becoming a person like me. Can God work miracles in your life? Yes! I think you would agree with that, Judas. But the way God typically brings about change, especially change to your character, is through diligence over time. I've healed so many people. I've healed broken bones. I've brought people back from the dead. I've healed illnesses and diseases. I've cured the demon-possessed. But not once did I ever heal someone's character. Because when it came to people of character, I wanted to walk with them through that. I wanted to go on a journey with them through that one. This doesn't happen overnight. It takes time.
This means becoming a patient person isn't going to happen overnight. That's a fantasy that's not worth chasing after. The idea that 'I'm just not there yet when it comes to patience.' Isn't something you should be thinking. It's going to take time. Patience takes time, which is ironic because most of us are impatient. But what Proverbs says is that you start planting seeds now. And over time, you work the land, which means you cultivate these times to build patience, and only then do you have a shot at reaping what you've sown years from now. Which is becoming a patient person.
The first thing we learn about the diligent person is that they understand change takes time. There's no way around that.
A second characteristic goes like this, 'All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty.'
Only talking about putting in the work will leave you empty-handed. Wanting something to change in your life is not enough. It's a great starting place but it won't get you to the finish line. You have to do the work based on your desires and goals. In an age of instant gratification that sounds exhausting. Wanting to kick a drug addiction is not enough. You've talked to a number of teens, Judas. And you surprise them when you tell them you've never used a substance. Some of them don't want to use anymore and you've responded with, 'Great! What have you changed?' And you receive blank stares.
Or you get answers like, 'I just remind myself that I want something new, something better and that I don't want to do that anymore.' Which is great but what kind of hard, diligent work are you putting in? Wanting it is not enough. Those people need to make changes. They have to put the work in. They have to find people they can surround themselves with and be honest with. They have to put new rules and boundaries into place and you gotta make people aware of them. Wanting things to change is not enough.
That's the second thing we learn about a diligent person. A diligent person understands that change takes hard work.
The third and last characteristic. Solomon writes about a walk he went on. It's a bit longer but I love this one: 'I went past the field of a sluggard, past the vineyard of the man who lacks judgment; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins. I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw: A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.'
In other words, if you let off the gas a little or you take a little break or you let something slide here or there you will be left with nothing to show. For all of the hard work and time that you did put in. You will be left with scarcity. Your vineyard, your life will turn to thorns, weeds, and ruins faster than you would ever imagine. This passage is the idea of thinking that we have arrived. Let's say you have been wise and diligent with something. To continue to the example from earlier, let's say you put in the hard work over time and you've seen a lot of progress when it comes to your relationship with sex. It took a lot of time, but sexuality has stepped back into a place of righteousness in your life. But when that happens we let off the gas and our boundaries begin to blur. A little sleep, a little slumber. A little 'I don't need to be as diligent as I used to be' with that and you will be attacked by the enemy. How many times have you put in so much hard work and time and effort into something and you got to see some progress but there's just this one poor decision you made and all of a sudden you're back at square one? The weeds and the thorns showed up faster than we ever imagined.
That's the third thing we learned about a diligent person understands. Change takes time, hard work, and perseverance. Which means you can't quit putting in the time and hard work. What does all this mean for us, in the here and now? Well, God is always honest with us. Even if the truth stings a little. And even if the truth isn't something we didn't want to hear. And God will tell us that 'On one hand, our biggest problem being our sinful nature that separates us from God, that problem is solved.' And he goes, 'That change that you'll undergo. From separated to relationship. From lost to found. From broken to forgiven.' He goes, 'That change will happen overnight and it will take no diligence on your part."
I start to wonder about it. Jesus put in all of the time, hard work, and perseverance needed. He marched to the cross. He was executed. He was resurrected. So I don't have to diligently earn my way into the kingdom of God. Jesus diligently earned that for me. That's the Gospel.
"But on the other hand," Jesus continues, "God is honest with us. He has news for us, and it is good, but it's not quite what we want to hear. And that news is the fact that all the other changes that we're looking for in this life. That might be freedom from addiction. Or you want new desires. Healed relationships with yourself and others. More patience and understanding. Less anger and bitterness. These things we're chasing after that I promised are a new and better, abundant life. God is honest with us and tells us that that kind of change takes diligence. That kind of spiritual growth and maturity isn't going to be instant or overnight. Instead, it's going to take time. And it's not going to be easy. And there won't be an end date. You won't 'arrive'. Instead, it will take perseverance. There are no simple ways to change. It only takes time, hard work, and perseverance. But that should be encouraging to us.
You might be going, 'How could that be encouraging? That just sounds exhausting and like a lot of hard work.' Here's why it should be encouraging. We started this thing talking about that sense of defeat we feel sometimes. We live in an instant gratification society. We assume that as long as we're applying whatever we learned here today I should be a totally different person by now. Right? When it comes to movies, food, or shopping we want what we want and we want it now and we get it now then we end up applying that same logic to the change that I promised for your life so you start wanting that change and wanting it now. But it doesn't work like that. If you don't understand that it's going to take the rest of your life you start to feel defeated and you tap out. And the fact that God is honest with us and that change takes diligence should be encouraging to us because it means you can tell yourself to be quiet. Every single time that you tell yourself 'I'm just not as far along as I should be right now.'
Stop it! Not true! If you wanna play that game, everyone on Earth could say that they're not as far along as they should be right now because no one on Earth is perfect. Not even Mother Teresa was perfect and she had her own junk to work on. And I would know!
Here's my point: God knows everything. He knows where your journey started. He knows where your journey is going to end. He knows all of the mountaintop experiences and all of the defeating valleys that you have already experienced and you have yet to experience. So God is not surprised or shocked with where you're at in your journey of growth and change today. Any time you hear that little voice in your head saying, 'You are not as far along as you should be right now.' I don't know whose voice that is, but it's not my voice. Those who know my voice know I don't keep guilt and shame over people's heads.
Know that this is my voice and I'm not surprised. Why? Because you're exactly where I expected you to be today. That doesn't mean you're always where I want you to be. But I'm not surprised. Wherever you are, you are where I expected you to be.
The more that you read your bible, the more you come to understand God's character and nature and involvement in history. The more you understand that the more you see that God is in the business of the journey with you. He makes and keeps promises on the destination but he's much more focused on the journey. And you see this cover to cover in the bible. For the Ancient Israelites, God promised them their own land, 'The Promised Land'. It took them forever to get there. Later on in history, they were exiled from that land and God promised that they would return. It took them forever to get back. All throughout the Salms, you'll read songs with lyrics like, 'How long o' Lord, how long?'
God, why is this taking so long? God promised his people a messiah, a rescuer and it took thousands of years for me to arrive. And God promised that I would return and set the world straight and we've been waiting thousands of years since.
What does that mean for you? What have you been promised? Remember, God would never treat you like an abomination. I'm sorry on behalf of anyone who claims to love God and has treated you poorly because you can't hate love and love God. You just can't. On their behalf, I'm sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this, Judas. But know that we are all one, even though that's so hard to see. This means that after death or even before death if you're lucky to witness my return, you've been promised that your destination is sealed and inevitable. One day you will live in perfection. You will get to perfection, but it's going to take the rest of your life to get there.
This journey called life. This lifelong process of trying to figure out how to live righteously now. Trying to prepare the world and make it as close to Heaven as possible so that one day we will all fight for the inevitable perfection meant for all. God is deeply devoted to the journey that you are going through. He knows there's going to be ups and he knows there's going to be downs. He just wants to walk it with you.
So you're not there yet. Okay. No one is. 'Oh, I'm not as far along as I should be.' Okay. Everybody feels that way. We're all wishing we were further along than we are right now. Here's the truth we're supposed to live under. It's not that guilt and shame. The truth is that the prize has been earned and the destination has been promised and victory is inevitable and all that's left for us to do is press on. And forget what's behind you and instead, go towards whatever God's got in store for you. Live diligently. Put in the time, hard work, and perseverance that every epic story or journey requires. Have you read a story where the journey happened overnight and it didn't go under any hardship? Go live an abundant life! An abundant journey!
I leave you with these words, Judas. Know that this journey will have its ups and downs. It's mountain tops and valleys. But know that I will always be with you. And that soon, I will depart from you."
"What?" I say to the radio. The radio doesn't respond back. Just silence.
"You okay?" Delilah asks, pulling out her earbuds.
"Jesus just said he'd depart from me," I say.
"What'd he mean by that?"
"I have no idea."
I pull into Willow Creek and it doesn't take long for us to get to the church. I find parking not too far from the front and Lucy, as well as Squid, take their earbuds out.
"We're a bit early," I tell everyone, "So we're gonna have to wait a bit."
A light snow starts to fall upon us. Luckily my car has its heating cranked to the max.
"So what exactly happens when you get baptized?" Squid asks. Everyone turns and looks at me.
"Well," I start, "I've seen a lot of different baptisms. And I've read about more. But what happens is one but mostly two people, sometimes a pastor or priest and a person you know hold your hands while holding you above water. They ask if you're ready to accept God into your heart. And after you say yes they dunk you into the water and you arise. Then boom. You're baptized."
"That's it?" Delilah asks.
"I'm sure they'll do a better job of explaining it in the sermon. But it's not just a dunk in water. It's rebirth. You're coming out a new being when you arise from the water. Someone ready to walk with God."
"What was it like when you were baptized?" Lucy asks me.
"Oh me? I've never been baptized," I admit.
Everyone's looking at me like I told them my dirtiest secret.
"Well we're gonna get baptized together Judas or I'm ending up on the news," Lucy says, her stare straight as a razor. Squid laughs.
"Is that a threat?" I ask.
"It's a promise," she says, "Why the fuck aren't you of all people baptized?"
"I—it's—I don't want to make this day about me," I tell her, "It should be about you."
"The world doesn't revolve around me mother fucker! Why didn't you get baptized? We're your friends. We love you. Tell us."
I look around the car take a deep breath and start my story, "It starts with Jenny, my biological mom. She wouldn't let me get baptized until I figured out why Jesus wanted to be baptized by John, his cousin."
"Isn't she dead?" Lucy asks.
"Lucy," Delilah hisses. Lucy shrugs.
Then it hits me.
"Can I be baptized with you, Lucy?" I ask.
"Do you even have to ask?" she says.
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We find seating right in the middle of the auditorium. I'm sitting on the edge near the aisle while Delilah sits to my left and Lucy and Squid are beside her. There's one hot tub at the front of the room, just below the stage. People are pouring in through the beige metal doors, more than I usually see come here. This place is known for its baptism sermons, so I think we're in for a treat.
The lights dim. A familiar face, Celeste, comes on stage with her guitar and stands in front of a microphone. She starts to play, her finger striking two strings simultaneously and everyone is captivated. Occasionally she changes chords for a brief second and then goes back to the original melody. Then she starts singing:
"From the beginning
Small lifeforms
They can kill without warning
So you don't explode
Stop your growing limbs and thinking
That you love them now you're blinking
And reminding her of him
Oh, you steal his features
And your mother is a bleacher
She don't even feel the heat, no
She don't even want to speak to you..."
Everything goes silent, but then she starts singing and playing again:
"But you
You'll always find another place to go
Oh you
You'll always find another womb to grow
To grow
To grow..."
When she sings 'To grow', she stums a beautiful riff on the guitar, then she's back to the original melody and singing the next verse:
"Well you can try to sink down deeply
Find the children lost at sea
Find the children who discretely
Were killed in infancy
To stop them holding you and screaming
That you lose your wildest dreaming
Still reminding you of him
How he left without reasons...
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But you
You'll always find another place to go
Oh you
You'll always find another womb to grow
To grow
To grow..."
She transitions into the next part of the song by strumming her guitar in a way that fits the song but is entirely new. Then she sings the post-chorus:
"Well you can try to forget me but I won't let you easily
You can try to forget me but I won't let you easily
I'm floating out into water washed out to sea..."
She slows down her strumming and then starts playing those familiar chords in the beginning:
"Drifting away with time you'll regret you conceived it
Clean up the dead you leave behind
Just like insects
Clean up the dead you leave behind..."
The church erupts into applause. Celeste smiles and a man walks out and takes her guitar away. I turn to see Delilah's reaction and she's awe-struck. The performance really touched her. When the applause dies down Cleste takes a step toward a sheet music stand and begins to speak.
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After Celeste's sermon, a man walks back on stage and hands her her guitar. She starts picking at the strings and forming at the chords and the staff of the church begin to walk down the isles. All four of us stand and step into the aisle.
"Alright," I start, "So Lucy and I will wait in line to be baptized. You guys just enjoy the music."
Both Squid and Delilah have expressions on their face. Like something changed in the last forty-five minutes.
"Can—can I come with you guys?" Squid asks.
Lucy and I look at each other, a smile creeping on our faces.
"Let's get in line," Lucy says. And all three of us start for the right edge of the auditorium where a line is forming. I look back at Delilah and her eyes are beckoning; like she wanted to say something to me but couldn't.
I should go back.
"You guys save me a spot in line," I tell them, "I'm gonna go talk with Delilah really quick."
They nod and proceed to the line. I turn around and make my way back to Delilah. I can see the back of her blue hair sitting in her chair. The color is beginning to fade back to brown, which looks badass honestly.
I take a seat next to her and she jolts; like I scared her out of thinking.
Past Judas would wonder, 'What would Jesus say?' but I think it's better to wonder 'What would Judas with Jesus would say?' Because God won't live your life for you but with you.
Jesus is a row behind us, "You know what to do," he says.
"Hey, gorgeous," I say to her, "Everything okay?"
She smiles and her eyes meet mine.
"I don't think it's God that hates me," she confesses.
"What's there to hate?"
She rolls her eyes and snorts. Her face relaxes.
"No, I—um—I think I hate myself," she speaks, her right hand on her chest, "I don't think. I know. I hate myself. In fact, I don't think I've ever loved myself. Especially with all the sex and drugs. And I haven't used or had sex for like ever and I've just been using this time to figure out who I am. But that night Judas. That night you came into the Chick-fil-A. I—"
A tear rolls down her cheek. I don't say anything. I just let her take her time.
She continues, "I was going to kill myself. But then I met you and you asked me out. Then we met Squid. And then Lucy came back into my life. All of these crazy coincidences. I—I feel—I feel like my life is just going to be harder with God. More complicated. More faith clearly doesn't make your life easier."
"No. It doesn't make it easier. It makes it clearer. Have you ever heard of Hot Ones?"
"Is that a dating site for forty-year-old divorced dads?"
I laugh, "No, it's a talk show where they eat spicy chicken wings."
"Oh okay, that makes more sense."
"Anyway, during an interview with guest Neil Degrasse Tyson, the interviewer asked him a question. 'Can you tell me how small and insignificant I am in the grand scheme of the universe?'
Tyson laughed and said: 'No. We define significance as 'I'm special and everything else isn't.' Cultures thinking they're special. Individuals thinking they're special. The top for ingredients of life, in your body. The top for atoms in order: Hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, nitrogen. Those four atoms. Do you know what the top four ingredients of the universe are? Hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, nitrogen.'
The interviewer came to the conclusion and said 'I am the universe'.
Tyson smiled and continued, 'Upon learning that you are not special because you do not contain special ingredients, is the same fact that includes the idea that while we live in this universe, the universe lives within us. We're special because the universe and us are the same things.'"
Delilah widens her eyes a little.
"D," I start, "God is the universe. You and I are a part of God. God lives within us and we live within God. The person who put gum in your hair is a part of God. The people who call me 'Jesus Freak' are a part of God. Lucy. Squid. Our parents. Everything we see is God."
"That's why you're so nice to all of those assholes at school. They're all little pieces of God to you. And you don't want to mistreat them."
"I don't believe in them. There is no them. Only us."
Then I think of Matthew. How he was murdered and how Lucy and I were there. Maybe if we hadn't shown up to rough him up, he would've had a fighting chance against whoever was behind the tree.
I see Lucy and Squid waving at me from the line. There are three people in front of them.
"I gotta go," I tell Delilah, kissing her on the cheek. I leave her and head for Lucy and Squid, the two of them now third in line. I walk across rows of chairs to get to them. When I finally arrive, we're second in line.
"You guys ready?" Lucy asks.
"I guess," Squid says with a laugh. I'm scanning the spot where I last saw Delilah but I'm having a hard time looking for her with all the chaos and lights beaming down on us.
And just like that, we're next. The pastor from when Delilah first came here is waiting for us beside an inflatable blue hot tub. Lucy hops in first with no hesitation. I dip my right leg in first and the water warms me to my thigh. I put my other leg in and stand at Lucy's left. Squid enters the tub and stands at Lucy's right. Lucy then grabs our hands and we all sit in unison in the tub.
"Are all three of you willing to accept God into your heart?" The pastor asks. We look at each other and we all nod at him. He then puts his hand on Lucy's upper chest, and we follow her under.
I'm only under for a second, but I'm able to recall the goal I set out to accomplish my senior year. Junior year and previous school years I was, well, to put it bluntly, I was a self-righteous asshole. But I just realized I was becoming Jenny and I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. So I made a vow to change. And to live my life how Jesus lived his life. By seeking and saving the lost.
When we arise from the water I feel my senses coming back to me. But not just to me, but to someone else. A new person. A new me.
Squid steps out first, then Lucy, and finally me. We start to make our way back to our seats. Lucy begins to giggle a little and Squid joins. I can't help but join too. I feel better. Giddier. Like I've been wiped clean.
We get back to our seats and Delilah isn't there.
"Where's D?" Squid asks.
"She was just here," I say. Then a thought enters my mind. What she told me about her killing herself. She couldn't possibly be doing that now, would she? After all we've been through. I know her life hasn't been easy, but I couldn't do this without her.
Then I notice her shoes and socks have been left on the floor under a chair in front of where she was sitting.
"There she is!" Lucy exclaims, pointing at the end of the line leading to the tub. I fix my eyes to where Lucy's pointing and sure enough, Delilah is stepping into the hot tub with the aid of the pastor.
Is—she's going to—
Delilah looks around the room then her gaze finds mine.
"Dude. Go to her," Lucy says.
I push past Lucy and Squid and run towards Delilah standing in the hot tub. When I get to her side she extends her right hand and I take it. The pastor and I both lower her down to the water and it reaches up to her chest. The stage lights beam down on us, yellows and reds and oranges all melding and shining against her navy blue hair.
"Do you wanna do the honors?" The pastor asks.
I gaze into Delilah's ocean-green eyes and they meet mine. I'm holding back tears. This is my girlfriend. And today she's giving herself to something far greater than the both of us.
"Do you accept God into your heart?" I ask her.
Without looking away, without blinking, she says, "I do."
I press my hand on her upper chest and she lets herself plunge into the warm water. When I lessen the pressure, she comes back up, water cascading down her body and dress.
"Welcome to the Kingdom Of Heaven," I say, and she hugs me so tight I can feel the air being pressed out of me. I look behind me and Jesus standing on the stage, the lights surrounding him only showing his silhouette as it casts down on both of us.
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On the drive home, we're all talking about how we feel.
"I just—feel better!" Squid says.
"Me too!" Lucy exclaims, "I'm excited about my future. I'm sure it's going to be great!"
"This doesn't mean life's going to be easier," I tell them, "But now we're in. We've taken the next step in our lives to become closer to God. And that's exciting!"
"Fuck yeah, it is!" Lucy says. I look over to Delilah in the passenger seat and she's just staring out the window. I nudge her on the shoulder and she turns to me.
"You okay?" I ask.
"Just thinking," she admits, "Now that I have this—thing—with God—I kinda wanna do something,"
"And what's that?" I ask. The car falls silent as everyone lends an ear to Delilah.
Delilah takes a deep breath and says, "I wanna find my real parents. I never met them. I mean—I wonder if they even know I'm alive. Or if they're alive. Or if they even care about me. I always wondered, but now I really want to know. And I want them to know that their daughter is alive and has found something amazing."
"That's a beautiful goal," I say, "One I think we can definitely help you out with."
"I can look around social media," Lucy says, "See if anyone's seen any Delilah-looking adults."
"I can do some investigating too," Squid says, "I'd also like to talk to my Dad after this."
"And I'll try to help in any way I can, D," I say.
Delilah smiles and says, "Thank you, guys, you're the best."
"Don't mention it."
"My pleasure."
"You can always count on me."
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