The sun is bright and the wind is brisk. Through my squinted eyes I see the glamour of the river and it calms me. On the boardwalk around me are people and pelicans in constant sound and motion but I am remain stationary like the ferry moored to the deck, silent like the gator on the prowl in the bayou. The sound and vibration of my growling stomach snatches me from my reverie. I have to get moving, as long as I stay going I will survive. But which direction will I go in? From where I am standing I can see all the people lining up to catch the ferry. Some are natives, some are tourists, all are my potential marks. I haven’t been doing this for very long, but I can spot weakness well-enough and what I observe will tell me everything I need to know before I make my move.
I see curvy women holding babies bundled up against the chilly weather in one hand and bulging purses and bags of groceries in the other. I see aimless teenagers playing with their hair and their phones. I see other cats looking a lot like me, smoking cigarettes and staring at nothing in particular. I see fanny-pack wearers and brochure holders paying attention to all the wrong things. None of them are really aware of each other and that is all good news to me.
Even better, I see a little girl who can’t be older than 12 standing next to an older, disapproving woman in her… sixties, I would say. They are both staring ahead but I can tell that they are talking to each other through the sides of their mouths- a real tense conversation, by the looks of things. When the ferry comes, the older broad hobbles off without much ceremony which leaves miss lady all by herself. Mistake #1. I watch the girl take out her pink leather wallet to pay the fee, limp on board, and head to the back of the boat where the motor is loud and the seats are out of sight of the crew. Mistake #2. When I make my way to that part of the boat I see that the only spot available is the one directly next to her and this dummy has her open wallet sitting in plain sight on the seat right by her thigh. Mistake #3. Obviously, this girl needs to learn a hard lesson about minding her belongings. She just better be glad that my ole behind is her teacher because I am way gentler than some of these hardened criminals running around here.
Now without meeting her eyes, I take my seat next to her and I stretch my legs out, the right one in front of me and the left one to the side where she is sitting. When she leans down to grab something out of her book bag on the floor I merely slip the cash out of her wallet and into my pocket, smooth as you please. She comes back up with a music player and slips the ear buds into her ears. I might as well not even be there for all of the attention she is paying me. Lord, this has got to be the easiest $25 dollars I have ever made. It’s a shame I didn't lose my hotel job sooner, to be truthful.
The ferry is gliding down the river so smooth you would have thought the old gal was a dolled-up dame sliding up to the door to greet her suitor. The wind and the current carry us to the final destination in record time. As soon as the ferry docks and before the gate swings open I am out of my seat. I put some distance between me and the girl but I don’t make it look like I am running off this boat. This whole thing was entirely too easy, but I haven’t gotten away yet. As I cross the drawbridge I hear old Fats Waller crooning: “You can listen to temptation/you can even go astray/but if you listen to temptation/...”and since I am in such a good mood, I start humming the tune to myself. I think I am going to go by the market and get myself a po’boy soon as I get free. But then, I hear in a soft voice meant only for my ears: “Can you help me?”
How in the world did this crippled girl get beside me this fast? I can’t lose my cool. “What do you need, sweetheart?”
“I lost something. Can you help me get it back?”
Should I run? Pretend that I didn't hear her? I don’t need any of this right now.
“My Nanna is gonna be so mad at me. I just need your help for a minute.”
This just won’t do. I step onto the boardwalk and I try to be firm, “Look, I gotta be somewhere right now. You better ask someone else.”
“Listen, I had a map of this place but I set it down somewhere. I don’t know how to get where I am going. Can you show me how to get to St. Louis Cathedral?”
I sighed, “What, you have mass there?” I am relieved that I am off the hook, but I ain’t feeling too helpful. I just want to get out of there. “Do I look like someone who knows how to find a cathedral?” I should cuss her out or scare her off but that wouldn't look too good with all of these people sidestepping us.
“I know you can help me. Just walk with me, that is all I need. Guide me along your way, okay? My Nanna will be waiting for me there, but we got to get going now.”
I stared at her, willing her to disappear. “Go on and ask someone else, now.” That is all I have to say on the matter, and I am stepping away right now.
“There is no one else. I need you.” I looked around to see that she was right about us being alone and I started to unravel a bit. There should be more people around here, but I see them all draining from the streets out into the shops, clumping up around their cars.
“I think, I THINK you supposed to head up that side street there and take a left. You will see the spire up ahead to your right so just keep going along that street until you get there.”
“I need you to come with me.”
“The hell you do!” I was getting mad at this point.
“I am telling you that I do. You need to stop playing games and come on. You owe me.”
This whole thing ain’t even funny no more. “What you just say to me?” I am afraid to ask what she means, and my fear is an ugly creeping thing, let me tell you.
“The sooner we move along the sooner you can go get some grub. I have some cash on me and I will buy you a po’boy for your trouble, but we have to go now.”
I can’t even say anything to that. Only thing left to do is take this little girl to her cathedral. She limps beside me as we head for the spire.
She says, “Are you gonna show me your way?”
“Yea, I am gonna show you the damn way!” My anger is not as overwhelming as my fear, but it is more comforting to me at least. She makes a noise like she is trying to hold back a laugh and her feet continue to shuffle along. We are moving slower than I want, but I will be damned if I carry her too. I am in over my shiny bald head with this one, but I have to stick it out until the end. When she asks me about that po’boy I am just going to say no thanks and get outta there, no questions asked. Although I would like to know how she came up with the idea to buy me that po’boy I was thinking about. She probably just heard my stomach growl. Now I am thinking about being hungry and Lord, I just gotta make it to the cathedral.
I hear some noise playing and I hear that same tune playing out of her ear buds even though she has them stuck in her ear: “All you sinners/you outta know...”
“Turn that music down, girl. Are you trying to lose your hearing?”
“You sound just like my Nanna. But you aren't anything like her, are you?”
“Probably not,” I will steal out of necessity, but I try not to lie when I can help it.
“I figured,” her toothy smile cracked her face wide open. “Thank you for helping me.”
I could do nothing but sigh at that. I can see the spire now and it is sight for these sore eyes. All of the sudden, the horns in the music swells up to fill my head with sound. My eyesight gets blurry around the edges, but I just shake my head a little to clear it up. I am just trying to look around because even though I know this place, it seems unfamiliar to me. It’s like, all of the sudden, everything is a shaky imitation of what it was right before I blinked. Then I look down at my side-stepping companion and would you believe this girl is still smiling at me? Like a dummy. I just have to switch my gaze ‘cause I can’t take it no more and I know I have an ugly scowl on my face.
This is really just too much. I sigh real deep and the wind blows my breath, too hot and heavy, right back onto my face. Then my chest starts to tighten and it is hard to breathe. I hear this child laugh a melodious laugh and my heart kicks up a faster tempo. I feel that big finish coming up and I can’t get there fast enough. We are just about to cross the street before we make it to the courtyard and the big white cathedral calls out to me. I am looking ahead for the quickest escape route once we get up there and I see the old broad once again. At the sight of her, this girl-child laughs louder and higher.
“Heeey, Nanna!” she can barely get the words out.
I stretch a painful smile across my face and my footsteps slow to a stop. I don’t want to go any further, but I can’t seem to pull away neither like I had planned. The old woman is standing there, open-mouthed, looking like she is watching her house burn to the ground, she is so distressed. She says, “What did you do?” She is horrified, but she ain’t talking to the little girl. She is looking dead at me. The little girl's laughter is a trilling accompaniment to the music in my head.
I am just shaking my head because not only was I not prepared for this hissy fit, I am getting extremely uncomfortable by this whole show. Hysterical woman in front of me, laughing simpleton beside me, and that damn music sounds like it is coming at me from all sides:“But if you wink your eye at morals/there's gonna be the devil to pay.” It is like an echo inside my skull.
The old biddy screams louder, “What did you do?” I was about to open my mouth to cuss her out or something and the little bitch taunts me: “Why don’t you tell her what you did? Are you scared, boy?”
“Who are you calling boy?” I stammer too quietly when I was meaning to holler at her. I can barely hear my own voice over the music.
“You are my boy now! Hehehe, go on and show Nanna my $25 dollars you stole, you titty baby.”
Losing all sense, I automatically stick my hands into my pockets and them shits is empty. I am scared now. More scared than I have ever been in my natural-born life.
But this cackling heathen thinks it is the funniest thing she has seen in a long time, evidently. Her face is rouge red and tears are streaming down her chubby face. Her whole face contorts once she starts coughing and her body lurches forward. Bent over at the waist, she is trembling from the laughter and her coughing fit gets so bad that she chokes up a wad of...cash.
“Oh, Jesus.”I am whimpering now. I can't do nothing now but ask for divine intervention.
Nanna says: “He can't help you now, with your stupid ass.”
“HA! Hahahehehe. Let's take a look.” She gets dangerously quiet and circles me, her foot drags behind her with each step. Her eyes have got me rooted in place. I can't bear to take my eyes off her so my head swivels to catch all her movements. She is enjoying every bit of it. She takes her time unfurling the wad of cash and when she holds it up it becomes a crisp new dollar bill. I had never seen a bill so fresh. Next to the cleanliness I noticed my face where Washington's was supposed to be. Seeing your own terrified visage clutched in the hand of a demoness is enough to make any man lose his nerve. I am lucky that I don't pass out right there. But that is where my luck ends.
She inspects the bill. “In Hell we trust... How do you like the sound of that, you mutha-”
“Shut your mouth!” Nanna has calmed down considerably, but she certainly ain't pleased. “That's enough gloating. You take your mark and get out of my sight. Don't let me catch you round here again, you here me? I will make you wish you never slithered onto my river bank. ”
“Yes, Nanna.” She is sneering an unholy sneer that makes me piss my pants. I just hope that whatever happens next happens quick cause I can't take much more of this.
She turns to me. “That was sloppy work you did back there. You gonna have to shape up if you rolling with us now.” She says it like I have a choice. Sliding up to me faster than I would've though possible, she jams her fingers into my open mouth and yanks my head down to her level. In her tight grip, I become a helpless fish caught on her lure; I am even jerking around like one because I know that I am about to be skinned, battered, and fried in Satan's kitchen. Her face is so close to mine that I feel her nasty stinking breath crawling over my skin. My eyeballs sting like someone mashed lit cigarettes into them. The world grows small and dim really quick. My legs give out and I see the girl looking down at me in all her hellish glory: bulging red eyes and the steaming foam in her mouth drips onto my face. I jerk my head to the side and catch a glimpse of Nanna walking away, her whole body beaming with a faint white light. As I lose my consciousness, the last thing I hear is Fats Waller hollering about the devil; I hope I don't never wake up.
...
Same place, different time. I always had a little bit of the devil in me, but I am here to tell you that nothing compares to the real thing. When you becomes Satan's bitch, you would be surprised by how much things stay the same. Here I am, standing at this pier playing the same game, but the stakes are so much higher. A growling stomach is nothing but a stroll on the boardwalk compared to all the wrath of hell. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have held on to my soul a little tighter while I was reaching into folk's wallets.
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