I set my bag down on the floor, tucking it under the table. The professor was already here, writing something on the board. Considering I was early, I had a bit of time to myself before class started. After being late on my first day, I made sure to be early for my classes from there on out. I was making a point of not doing it again.
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The last few days had gone fine, nothing too difficult, but I was admittedly looking forward to the weekend and going downtown for the first time. Rachael had organized some rides so we could walk the mall and spend some time down there together as a group. I looked forward to hanging out with Chani some more and getting to know her better after our dinner alone. She seemed to be pretty cool.
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I looked up from my notes as the professor spoke, welcoming the class and telling us he was going to start the lesson for the day. I was still sitting in the front row of his class, close enough to see him well. He was very attractive, but I shook the thought from my head just knowing how dangerous of an idea that was. Plus, why would someone like him ever want someone like me? I’m just some kid in one of his classes.
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After the lecture and class let out, I headed to meet up with Chani for lunch. We had wanted to hang out a couple of times this week, but plans got canceled thanks to Alice’s poor time management and needing me to save her day. Even just in the first week of school, I had to save her outfit twice. Once bringing a pair of sweats and the other time bringing a longer skirt. Despite what she thought, there does seem to be some sort of dress code at the college, not allowing her to show her ass off to everyone.
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“Hey.” I pulled the chair out and sat down across from Chani. She had some books out on the table and a sandwich on top of that. I set my burrito down in front of me, feeling a bit less healthy compared to her.
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“Hey.” She cheerily smiled at me. “How was class?”
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“Fine.” I shrugged. “Can’t complain too much.”
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“What class was it?” She pulled a sketchbook and pencil out, turning her attention to that.
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“Just a lab for my biology class.”
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“What major are you taking again?”
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“Psychology. I wanna become a psychologist.”
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“Bet you’ll have a lot of labs by the end of your schooling then.” She chuckled, glancing up at me. “My older brother did the same thing.”
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“Oh.” I nodded. “How’d he do?”
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“Well, he’s working on his doctorate now, so…” She shrugged. “Well enough.”
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“How many siblings do you have?”
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“One older, two younger.” Chani smiled, seemingly at the thought of her siblings. “What about you?”
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“I have a younger brother and an older sister. Alice also has an older brother, so he was kinda like my brother, in a way. He looked out for both of us.”
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“That’s sweet. You and Alice seem really close.”
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“We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember.” I nodded.
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“I always wanted friends like that, but I don’t have the best time making friends.”
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“Really?” I titled my head to the side. “You seem great.”
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“Surprising, I know.” She laughed.
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“I have the same issue, honestly. Other than Alice and a few people I’m friends with online, I don’t really make friends.”
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“What do you do with these online friends, exactly?” Chani smiled, looking up from her sketchbook for a moment.
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“Play games, mostly.”
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“I play video games too. At least I’m hoping that’s what you’re talking about. Maybe we should play some together. I’m down to try whatever games.”
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“We play a lot of Valorant and Apex: Legends, but we’ve played a bit of basically every multiplayer game out there.”
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“I’d love to join sometime if you’ll have me.”
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“I’m sure they’ll enjoy having another girl around.” I laughed. “It’s mostly guys, with the occasional inclusion of a girlfriend.”
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“As long as I get to spend time with you…” She shrugged, that same smile on her face. She was no doubt flirting with me, but I had suspected she had been from the start. I smiled back at her. “I’m done if you wanna see what I was sketching.”
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“Sure.”
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She pulled the sketchbook up from her lap and turned it around, showing me a drawing of myself.
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“Oh wow, Chani. You’re an amazing artist!”
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“Thanks.”
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“What major are you in?”
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“Art History.” She shrugged again. “So…” She tucked her sketchbook back away. “Wanna set up a study date? Maybe tonight?”
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“Sure, sounds like a good idea. I’ve got some homework I’ve got to get done before the weekend. Before we have our fun.”
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“Awesome.”
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I knocked on the dorm room’s door, moving back and shifting my weight on my leg as I waited for Chani to respond. It only took a few moments for me to hear movement from behind the door until it was pulled open to Chani’s smiling face. “Hey. Glad you came.”
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“Glad you invited me.” I smiled back at her, moving the heavy bookbag on my shoulder.
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“Come on in.” She moved back and motioned me in.
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I walked inside, looking around the room for a brief moment. It looked exactly like Alice and my room, setup wise, and even decoration wise. One side girly and luxe, while the other side dark and gothic.
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“My roommate is off with her boyfriend for the night, so we’ve got the place to ourselves.” She turned around, with her back now to me. “You can take her desk for the night.” Chani motioned towards the desk next to her as she took a seat at the desk on her side of the room.
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I walked over and set my stuff down, before spreading it out, getting ready to study. We began studying, chatting while we did so.
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“You mentioned you and Alice have been friends forever, but how long exactly is that?” Chani glanced over at me.
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“Our parents were friends before they had kids,” I explained, “so a long time.”
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“Oh damn, that is a long time. Good thing you two became friends and not enemies.”
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“Well, we’re basically inseparable.” I looked down at my homework. “Expect when she’s got a boyfriend.” I added the last part quietly.
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“She’s one of those kinds of friends, huh? I’ve had friends like that before.” I looked over at Chani to see her nodding sympathetically. “Sorry to hear that, Mali.”
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“It’s alright.” I took a deep breath. “Right now, she’s single, so I get her to myself.”
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Our conversation died out as we got back to work, occasionally talking about something or asking for help in an area of the homework. After some time, we both finished up and moved to sit on Chani’s bed to talk some more.
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“So, are you one to ditch your friends when you have a boyfriend?”
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“Admittedly, I’m kinda new to dating.” I rubbed my arm, nervous at the conversation topic. “I’ve never really had a boyfriend, not longer than a month in middle school, where all we did was hold hands.” I laughed quietly.
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“Aww, so you’re a real virgin.” She laughed, causing me to shrink down and blush. “That’s not a bad thing, Mali. Most guys are into that.”
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“Gross guys.” I shook my head.
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Chani laughed again. “Fair enough. But seriously, it’s okay to be inexperienced. Nothing wrong with that.” She looked over at me more intently. I shifted under her gaze.
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“Thanks, Chani.” I noticed how close we were sitting, increasingly worrying she was about to make a move on me. “I--I should go.”
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“You don’t have to, Mali.” She purred my name.
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“I--I…” I trailed off, swallowing roughly before finding my words. “I don’t want to do anything. You’re great, and if I didn’t think I was going to maybe have a chance with her, I’d totally take you up on the offer, but I think I might, and I don’t want to finally miss my chance.” I began rambling, pouring out all my thoughts without much regard.
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“It’s alright.” She moved back slightly, putting her hands up in surrender. “I find you really attractive and you seem to be really nice, so if you ever change your mind and give me a shot, please do, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be friends with you. Though…who? Who are you waiting for? Alice?”
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My eyes widened as she guessed correctly.
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“Mali, I’m not saying I know her very well, but I’ve been gay long enough to have fallen for my fair share of straight girls. And it never works out well for us.”
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“I…don’t know.”
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“If she’s straight? You’ve never talked about it with her?”
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“No. I was always scared she’d find out I’m pan and then somehow find out about my crush.”
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“Mali…” Chani tilted her head to the side sympathetically.
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“I know.” I took a deep breath, shaking my head. “I guess I should talk to her eventually about it if I ever want a chance of dating her.”
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“You need to.” She corrected me.
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“I will. Just…not right now.” Chani gave me a look. “Fine, fine. I’ll set up lunch or dinner or something with her next week.”
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“Good.” She smiled slightly. “Even if she rejects you, it’s better to know and be able to move on.”
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“With you, you mean?” I cracked a smile.
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Chani laughed and shrugged. “Either way.”
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I walked into the showers, not excited to have to use them again. The first time was the worst so far, as all the shower stalls were full, and I had to wait, in a towel, for one to free up. It was weird being around so many named women. Some of the girls compared it to after-gym showers they had in high school, but I had never done any sports that required me to shower at school.
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I slipped into one of the stalls, checking the floor to make sure it was clean before entering. There only seemed to be one girl in here. I had gotten up early to shower in peace, so maybe she had the same idea as me. Soft moans emanated from her side of the room over the water noise. She was no doubt doing something over there, but I did my best to ignore it as I started my own shower.
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Sure, I was a virgin, but that didn’t stop me from being open about sex with Alice. Well, specifically masturbation. Though, she is the one who bought me the rabbit sex toy in the first place. She told me if I wasn’t going to have sex, I might as well get some pleasure on my own. Though I was open about it with Alice, that didn’t mean I had much to talk about. I had only masturbated a handful of times with no special ending. Sure, parts of it felt good, but never enough to get me off.
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I had grown up with conservative parents who neither wanted to have the sex talk with me, so I learned from friends or bullies instead. I was the laughingstock of my middle school for weeks when one of the guys asked me if I had a bush in my front yard, and I replied that I only had one in my backyard, thinking he was asking about actual bushes. I learned quickly after that that I knew nearly nothing about sex, and Alice took up the responsibility of bringing me to her house and showing me the depths of the internet.
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I finished my shower up and wrapped myself in a towel before heading out, nearly running into an already-naked Alice. My eyes widened as I stopped. I had often seen her naked, but it was still surprising to see her naked now.
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“Oh hey, Mali.” She smiled at me, her hand proudly on her hip.
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“Hi.” I held the towel tightly to my chest.
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“Excited to go downtown today?” She spoke casually as if she wasn’t naked in a public room.
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“Yeah, yeah.” I nodded nervously, not wanting her to stand out here any longer.
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“I’ll meet you back in our room after my shower.”
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I nodded again, ducking out of the conversation and quickly walking away.
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I shifted in my bed, trying to get comfortable against the pillow. I couldn’t get the thought of talking to Alice about my feelings out of my head. I knew in my heart that she’d reject me and more than likely it wouldn’t be letting me down easy or without affecting our relationship. I didn’t want to lose her, as she’s one of the few things I have left from my younger years and I’ve always clung to her because of that, but I also didn’t want to be bullied by her because of my queerness. As much as I love her, I‘d be the first to admit she can be mean sometimes, overly so. And I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of that again.
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I took a deep breath, rolling over onto my stomach, officially deciding to get some sleep and not let those thoughts fester anymore. I knew eventually, one of these days, I’d have to tell her.
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