Dear my dear friends who are forced to wallow in my presence,
I am a vice. I have a natural instinct of clutching on to people, desperately holding on for fear that I will be thrown away at the first open opportunity. I am clingy and emotional and do most of what I can to keep you around purely out of my own selfish desperation. I need people, and It is a wonder to me still that you have not all left me already.
I am pretentious. I strive to be different and educated and often forget how conceited it is to do so. It is inherently conceited for me to believe that the things I pride myself on -education, individuality, self worth- have any actual worth in some odd hierarchical system I have set up in my head. I can only explain myself in the sense that I judge myself based off of my perception of myself, which is also an inherently conceited thing for me to do.
I have spent enough of my life basing my self-worth off of the worth that others have given to me, and to do so is nearly as destructive as to judge myself from my own perspective. I place myself at the top of my concerns in my hierarchy, because I do not believe that anyone but myself can truly protect me or understand me. Although this is selfish, you assure me that this does not hurt you, and so I continue.
I may be selfish, but I carry myself, with a stubborn determination, to attempt to be self-reflective. I reflect that I am often rude and annoying, and often times I do not even realize the extent of such. I reflect that I can be self-centered and only focused on my personal gain, and much too focused on my image and influence to ever truly have the impact I would like to have on the world.
I would much rather shrink into myself when confronted, to turn my back and reside into my cage. I like to believe that I am safer and better when I am in charge, and I forget that you must take the reigns every once in a while. I struggle to release myself from the binds I have wrapped around myself, from the words that I have dealt. I have grown to protect myself by locking everything in, and not trusting anyone else to understand it.
I have created a perspective for myself that is almost as incorrect as it is selfish, though I am sure that, given the chance to re-do everything, I know it would likely happen again. I love you for sticking around, for breaching my defense mechanism, and for shaking me out of my pretentious daydream when I get carried away.650Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjsi2RV7ZpQ
I am selfish, but I would like to believe that I am reflective enough to bridge barriers between confidence and conceitedness, between defensiveness and pushing everyone away. I would like to believe, that although I am often caught up in what things could mean for me, I still have enough love and loyalty left inside of me to be willing to sacrifice anything for those who I have grown so close to.
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