I can't believe that this year is going to end in 13 days. Christmas is around the corner but so are my exams 😭. A lot has happened in the past week. That week has been a roller coaster for me. It started with me feeling depressed because my crush doesn't like me. My crush is actually very handsome but I am just soo nervous to even look at him. I thought why doesn't he like me? Do I not look good? but I don't even know if he doesn't like me. Maybe he likes me. Anyways this is how my week started. Then I became depressed by thinking that no boy likes me because of my unapproachable aura. But then it changed, a boy from my academy told me that he likes me. I actually I didn't even knew his name although I have seen him a lot of times. So, it was kind of embarrassing for me. That guy is not my type at all. Neither in looks nor behaviour so I told him right away no. But that guy is trying hard by texting me a lot, but when I don't reply, he urges me to reply asap. Well, I can only reply when I see the message. I hate this kind of clingy attitude. That guy came to my home few days ago because my mom was his teacher earlier. So, it was just them talking. My mom wants me to focus on my studies for now, and I haven't told her that her student has a crush on me. I am sure that if she knew about it then she wouldn't have let him enter in our house. Anyways it was quite awkward for me. That guy is trying hard but I can't force myself to like someone.
I am quite weird right?? In the beginning I was upset by the fact that no guy likes me and now since I have got to know a guy likes me I am trying my best to run away from him. I have had a crush on my crush for a long time because he just my type. Some girls in my class told me that he has a crush on me, but his actions don't feel like that. If my crush has a crush on me then atleast he should try to talk to me. Mmmmmmm.. He had tried to talk to me but I am so nervous around him that I didn't gave a nice answer.. Why?? am I like that?? But just because he tried to talk to me doesn't show that he has a crush on me, right? If that man just gives me one hint that he likes me, I will try my best to make sure he becomes something more than a crush to me. I will make sure he stay with me.. God just give me one hint. The only thing that excites me in the school is him, and ofcourse my friends too. It has been soo many years. After this year maybe we won't be able see eachother ever again. What should I do?? I really like him.. I used to think earlier that maybe having a boyfriend would stop me from liking my crush but now since someone has proposed me I can't imagine to be with him, maybe because he is not my type? I just like my crush. This song "Cherish" by Illit really fits my my thoughts. No song can describe this feeling better. I have heard somewhere that you sometimes hate your crush, I have also gone through that feeling, I used to hate him, but then I understood that I can never hate him. I don't know if this makes any sense??? If God just gives me one hint then I will be his.. I sound like an obsessed girl!! Well, guys I am not like that, I promise. I am a master at ignoring my crush. I want to write a poem on how I am feeling. I will definitely then I will share it with you guys.
Now let's talk about my best friend. The week before previous week I talked to her. It felt like she was trying to contradict everything that I was saying. I was feeling really annoyed. But, guys I have understood that a person is not perfect. Sometimes you love someone and sometimes you get annoyed by them. Even though I was annoyed by her, I feel like not feeling annoyed by someone at some point in a relationship is unavoidable. After talking to her that day I felt like I want to cut ties with her and block her number but then I realised that she has been with me for quite a long time. We are best friends for a reason. I hate her now but it doesn't mean that I will hate her forever right? We are humans and we are bound to feel annoyed by one another at some point in our relationship. So what we should do is think of the journey we had together, forgive eachother' s mistake and move on. I am still young and this is what I understood about human relationships now. Few days ago I again talked to my best friend and I realised that it is important to have a friend like her in life. A friend who listens to your worries and help you to feel good about yourself. I have had many friendship, some are broken, some are fake and some are still going strong. I have always a had a lot of friends in myself and I am glad for having each one of them as my friend. They all have made me feel good and sometimes bad about myself but I have come to realise both are important.
Few days ago I was feeling very down, I burnt my hand dilebrately and couldn't stop crying. I was feeling insecure and depressed because of all of the thoughts I had above. I was feeling trapped.. because my own thoughts, which ofcourse I still do. Humans have achieved soo much because of their minds but sometimes this very mind becomes the cause of destruction of life. Our own thoughts become so much over powering that feel start to feel like our thoughts are controlling us. I didn't understand why I was feeling that way "trapped" until I watched a video in which a man explained what I wrote above. The only way to get out of this trap is to do something, have a goal or simply having a purpose he explained. I am not able to put in words about what he actually meant but I feel he was not totally wrong. The reason we feel depressed, anxious and sucidal is because of our thoughts. For example: I am given ample time to study, play and understand myself but still I waste my time watching random short videos or movies. So, I am not able to complete my tasks and then I feel guilty, which makes my depressed and anxious. I start to balme my fate for not giving me a comfortable life but I forget that I already am given so many opportunities. I am going to school, academy, I have a roof over my head, I am able to eat healthy food, I have access to clean drinking water, I am able to celebrate my birthday, I am able to go on trips with my friends and family and so on. People around me who have tons of money still works hard to get what they want, even though they have access to everything they still study 10 times harder than me. Then here I am always blaming my fate. Not respecting my life or time. The phrase " Those who don't respect time, time doesn't respect them" fits my situation aptly. After I am done blaming my fate, I start to blame the people around me and then I start to blame myself. You don't need to be successful then someone else and be a rat in this rat race but you need to respect time and your fate no matter what. This is exactly what will help you in life, this is exactly what will keep you alive. I am still young.. my thoughts can change, maybe I feel this way now but that doesn't mean I will always feel like that.
This has been a very long entry. I discussed about my crush, my studies, my friends and most importantly my mind. I feel lighter now. I should try to write regularly rather than accumulating thoughts in my mind and then dumping. I have got ample amount of time to do so. I am planning to draw my feelings like painters do. I wish to do so. If in future I ever to do that. I will obviously share it with you all.
Until next time,
Joy <3
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