I really don't know what's wrong with me. I feel really weird. I have got to know that I have anxiety, I earlier thought that I had asthma, but after properly understanding the difference between the two, I have come to know that I have anxiety. I also feel like I have mild schizophrenia, earlier I used to see insects here and there when they were not there and now I see people falling from trees, I am just not able to explain properly, but all I know is that it is not a big deal for now. For my anxiety, I feel my heart pounding soo hard sometimes that I can't even breathe. Well, I told my mom about this and she told me that I should visit a doctor, like healthcare in our country is free and hospitals are near to our home, she knows damn well that I can't visit a doctor by myself but still every time recommends me to go to one. Well it is what it is.
I love it when me and my mom go for shopping together but I hate it when I realize that after this outing, I have to be more obedient and respectful, since, my mom is the parent who cares about her kid and not my dad. I will forever be taunted by mom that it is not her responsibility to take the kids out or it is not her responsibility to pay my school fees. Whenever she says such stuff I feel so sad because if it is not her responsibility, then why did you gave birth to me? Is it my fault that my father is such an asshole? This has made me realize that although I love to go out with my mom but later I will hate myself for going out with her, because of all the stuff she says. My father is even bad than her but he is a lost cause, I have no expectations from him. Whenever my parents take me out or spend some extra money on me, I feel like my debt is increasing day by day. Recently, I have started to read this novel "White Oleander", the girl feels like the only thing that is stopping her mom from living the life of her dreams is her, and I to be honest feel the exact way. It feels like the only reason why my mom is living in this grim condition is because of me.
I am studying a lot these days but then again I am not studying at all. I am soo distracted by everything around me. Phone is distracting me but this phone is also helping me to survive in this house. I love listening to music and reading novels and I somehow have started to hate studying. Studying matters the most though but this constant pressure, anxiety and stress that comes with it is killing me. My mom told me one time that the only reason she tolerates my sister's shitty behaviors is because she scored good marks. I am better than my sister in both studies and behavior but still my mom has way too high expectations from me, and she would absolutely not tolerate me if I do not meet those expectations. I know that all she wants is best for me, but man this best is killing me. I have to already deal with soo much shit and then this insane pressure.
This soo damn exhausting.
I feel soo weird when I talk to someone, its just weird. Whenever someone looks at me I feel like they are able to read my soul, they are able to know how timid and cared I am. So, I avoid making eye contacts at all, I just can't look into people's eyes anymore. I am the happiest around my mom but I don't know if I am actually happy around her or if I pretend to be happy because her life is already too sad and don't want it to be more sad, I somehow want to make her life happier. I never cry or show my vulnerable side in front of her, its always my happy and bubbly side. I am crying right now because in this big world I have no one in front of whom I can cry and share my problems. Well, I don't mind it but I am soo tired of this damn show, always pretending to be someone I am not, feeling lost and unaccepted where ever I go.
No one wants to understand me, so I have decided to understand myself but the more I understand myself the more lost I feel, it feels like I am riding this boat because everyone else is doing the same thing but I don't want to do that anymore, but that boat has already come too far from the shore and there is no turning back. It is either ride or die.
Few years ago when my grandma died, I didn't cried at all not because I didn't love her but because I always had to put that act of that smart and obedient kid of the family because no one else wanted to take that role. Why was I loved for how much obedient I was but not for any other thing? my sister always disrespected my grandma but she was still her favorite grandchild, no matter how bad things she said about her but she still loved her the most. This is actually true for almost all my family members.
Its 3 am right now, here in my country. The safest time for me to write my emotions and cry because at any other time, I have to be that darn smart kid, who always smile no matter what.
I have a very important test in few days but I just couldn't concentrate at all because of soo much going in my mind.
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Until next time,
Joy
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