Today I had a revision test, which to be honest did not went quiet well but I am not sad, maybe it's because I didn't expect much from the start and the test was quite hard too. After writing this I am going to solve that test again and reflect upon my mistakes, so I don't repeat them again. My mock tests are coming soon and still a huge chunk of my extra subjects' syllabus is left to be studied but for now, I am only focusing on my main subjects. I am going to take utmost care of my mental and physical health because I don't want to get sick due to insane pressure from my teachers and parents.
These days I am dealing with a lot of mood swings, but still, I try my best to keep my emotions in control because for my mom I am just throwing tantrums. Out of all my siblings I am the most obedient one, I try my best to help my mom in doing chores but it's never enough. I do dusting of my whole house everyday but on weekends my mom starts doing it herself and when I tell her that I will do it she just politely says that she will do it but here comes the twist after doing all the chores by herself she starts shouting and taunting that we have destroyed her one and only holiday and should have helped her, and when I say "I asked you if I should do it you said that you will do it, don't worry" to this she replies by saying either of these sentences every time, "I am talking to myself", "I was taunting your sister not you" or "You enjoy your life, watch phone, Tv or do whatever you want, don't talk to me". I mean didn't I asked you beforehand? The solution to this is to start doing dusting before her, if she says, "I will do it, leave it" I have to reply with "No, I will do it, don't worry mom" and then and then only my whole day will go in peace. Well, there are many examples where she behaves like this with me. Incidents like these makes me believe that she loves me, and I am her favorite child because I am the obedient one who helps her.
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Being the responsible child have actually been a toll on my mental health earlier it was just about behaving nicely and helping my mom but subconsciously I altered my personality to meet her standards, so that I could be accepted and be loved by her. I remember as a child being very expressive, I was easily able to express my anger and sadness and happiness as well but when I was criticized or made fun off for being expressive by everyone in my house, I slowly began to shut myself up. Keep in mind, I was going through puberty like all the other kids. As a result, now, I can't express myself properly even though I want to because doing so makes me feel vulnerable and like a looser. Actually, just acknowledging this was so tough for me. I somewhere read that "the more the child is obedient, the more anxious it grows up to be", I resonate with this feeling a lot, I wasn't insecure or anxious at all as a kid but now anxiety has taken over me. Lately, my heart pounds so hard that I can even hear my heartbeat whenever I feel anxious. I even tried to open up about this feeling with my mom but there is no use of doing do. Whenever I am anxious, I just hide it. Whenever I am angry with myself and tries to express it, I become a bad girl who doesn't respect her mom. I have not even throwed 1% the amount of tantrum my sister had thrown up in her teens but as an obedient child I always have to swallow up my anger...
I hope that I get accepted into a college faraway from here, so that my heart won't have to carry this burden and then maybe I will feel lighter and cheerful again. Well, this has been a long entry. So,
Until next time,
Joy <3
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