Today I woke up at 4 am to study for my test and then went for a walk. I normally don't wake up at 4 am but when I do, I feel the best. Today also I felt like that. I was hoping to ace my paper. I literally worked so hard for it. Well, my test didn't go well and on top of that a teacher literally shouted at me. I don't think she had any right to shout on me like that, that is literally no way to talk to a student. I was already in so much stress and she literally doubled, no tripled it. She was the invigilator of my class and it is her responsibility to keep the environment as stress free as she can. I absolutely HATE the way I was treated today and seriously think people like her shouldn't become teachers at all.
I met one of my crush today at school too but I just don't feel he likes me and although I have liked him for soo many years, I just think I will never be able to be with him.
My teachers and parents had soo much expectations from me and I myself expected so much from me but I feel like I have failed everyone's expectations and mine too. Today I am experiencing sadness in a way I have never before.
When I came back home, I relaxed for a little bit and then I did dusting, after that I went for a class which was cancelled by the teacher after I reached that place. If you had to cancel the class at last minute then why even bother to schedule it?? I didn't even had my lunch and that teacher just cancelled it. Teachers think that students are free all the time and don't respect their time at all. Then I went back home, I told my mom about my school teacher's behaviour as well as academy teacher's behaviour she was very angry and told that she will complain about my school's teacher's behaviour at PTM and also cheered me up. She also gave me money to buy some snacks on the way to my other class. My mom herself is very sick and then also she works so damn hard for us. In return of all this, the only thing she asks of me is to score good marks and I am not even be able to do so. I feel so bad and guilty to be honest. In class also I felt like crying most of the time. I feel like I don't deserve her love or anything in this world. I mean I worked hard but I should have worked harder. Last time I felt this way was when I lost a debate competition and someone else who didn't even do better than me won. That day everyone was thinking that I will win and I too was pretty confident but when the results were announced.. boom suddenly someone else win.. I worked so fucking hard for that. From last few years these kinds of events happen a lot to me last year I was not among the top students as I used to be, so this year I have been working twice as hard but the results are literally the same, this simply means that I should work harder. I have always been ambitious but when you are met with failure everytime you take a step towards your goal you literally feel so low. I literally feel like giving up. For most people this might not be a big deal but when your whole worth directly or indirectly depends upon your ambition, IT IS A BIG DEAL.
I seriously feel like GIVING UP.. on myself. I am not even rich or I don't even have enough money to live a comfortable life. Whenever I go to academy, I see girls dressed up so nicely and they look pretty confident and they are good in studies as well but here I am a girl who can't afford to dress nicely except on special occasions, can't socialise like them and is now not even good in studies anymore. I feel so behind than everyone. What am I supposed to do?? Living like this is so suffocating but if I have want to live a comfortable life I somehow have to put up with this, and if I can't even put up with this then what's the point of living... Past is in the past, present is full of sadness and future seems to be dark...
Today, I started my day with so much positivity and now I am ending it with so much negativity. I feel so stressed out. Mock test have just begun and I already feel like this... Anyway,
Until next time,
Joy
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