I feel so depressed. I feel like dying. Yesterday I did my skincare after soo many days hoping that I would feel better, but I don't. I haven't taken a bath or brushed my teeth from the past 2 days. I have always been a neat freak skipping bath even for a day makes me so anxious, but even after not taking a bath for last 2 days I feel alright, I feel like not getting up from my bed at all but I still get up and clean my house and eat food for my mom. She really loves me lot, I also love her the most. I skipped my academy today. My teacher called at my home and I just made a lame excuse for not attending the class.
I haven't studied anything from the past 2 days. I am just so sick and tired. I don't want to go to school and I don't want to attend extra classes.
Since I didn't go to my academy, me and my mom were together alone. We talked a lot about random things. I love when me and mom talk a lot, I want to be with her like this forever. I just want to spend all my time with the person I cherish the most and that is her. Tonight, she cried because of my sister and whenever I see her cry a part of my heart breaks. I love her very much. If she will see this part of me her heart will break into a million pieces, and I don't want that to happen, so, I try my best to be optimistic whenever I am around her. If I would fail to get into a college, I know for sure she will hit me lot and scold me a lot but she worked all her life so hard to just make us independent, a life that she couldn't have.
If I attempt and I somehow survive, I am so damn afraid of seeing my parents disappointed face. I won't do that but life seems so dark. I don't want to live like this, I just want to live in peace. I don't get why I am the one who is depressed and anxious. While everyone is getting ahead in life, I am the one getting behind. Why? Is this happening with me despite working so hard, despite facing my fears, why me?! I have been crying a lot from past 2 days, my eyes have swollen because of it, my dark circles have got darker. I had a cat earlier whom I loved dearly but she went missing one day. I miss her. There has never been a day since I not dreamt of her, since she went missing. Whenever I go to sleep I don't want to wake up, I have lost intrest in everything watching tv, phone or studying the only thing I want to do is be with my mom and she is also very sick these days. I am so damn afraid..
I kept my penname Joy because this name is so pretty and full of happiness, I hope I can be like this name one day.
Until next time,
Joy
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