"Life is a race and you who have to win it ", this is the mentality I always had. I am so sick of this mentality to be honest. Comparing myself with everyone even with strangers I am so sick of doing so, but even when I don't want to do so, I do it somehow. Earlier I used to feel pride in myself by thinking of others as beneath me but now I feel everyone is above me and I am the one beneath. "Life is not a race to be won", I know this but I feel so low. Today in my academy I was wearing a faded T shirt and faded jeans because I don't have anything else to wear and even if had I won't wear it because it's just too uncomfortable for me to wear anything else. On top of it, I didn't even took a bath. I was seriously looking awful. My nails were all dirty and my skin looked dry. Nobody notices what I am wearing but I still feel insecure as if all eyes are on me. All my teachers show faith in me and say nice things about me that is because I am good in studies, if one day I stop scoring good marks, I know these very same teachers would say bad things about me or would simply ignore me. Why are we not defined by our good deeds but our achievements?? I used to be very kind and emotional as a kid but world made me wicked and cover up my emotional side, my achievements started to define 'Who I am?'..
My mom is very sick from the past few days and when I see her working hard in even this condition, I feel angry on my self for not working hard.. I am trying my best to make my mom feel loved.. I am trying my best to help her as much as I can but when I see her in so much pain I cannot stop hating myself more..
Why am I like this? So many people have things harder then I have then why am I acting like this, like a victim? Why no one likes me for who I am? My mom loves me but will she still love me if I won't be successful? Why my kindness is not loved but my achievements are?
Maybe I am not mature enough!! Maybe I am too dumb or maybe I am not living my life more properly!!
Today my teacher in academy was making fun of students who commit suicide due to exam pressure. He has worked for so many years as a teacher and yet he doesn't understand what students go through because of exams. How could he laugh and make fun of such a sensitive topic. Adults don't know anything about what this generation is going through. If he gets to know that I am suffering from depression he will laugh on me and make fun of me infront of other kids, people like him are really a threat to society.
I hope tomorrow will be a better day and I somehow feel better about myself.
Until next time,
Joy
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