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This year started with being a sweet daydream that slowly turned into a nightmare. Maybe because this is the first time in my life that I have tried to understand myself, trying to answer questions like Who I am? What kind of a person I am? or What are my fears? the answers I have found are not yet complete, after all I am just a human being who will discover something new about herself every day. While trying to answer these questions I have understood one thing, that is how delusional I have been all my life. It seemed to me like I have been living in basement with no light for soo long. I still feel that way and I don't know how I will get out of here. I feel like a prisoner who is trapped in the prison called LIFE. Life is not supposed to be a prison, life is supposed to a journey yet it feels like a prison to me.
I have understood that I am not wise, kind or best instead I am a people - pleaser, insecure and wicked. I am jealous of everyone around me and I want to control people around me. Am I a good person? heck I don't even know what a good person is. Somehow this society has taught me a good person is someone who is successful and still talks to people around them kindly. Teachers in my school favour kids who come from well- off family, but why in a school are students being judged on the basis of how rich their parents are? This is so unfair. One thing that I have realized is that children will always be judged on the basis of their family, this is inevitable in this society. A child whose parent is a drunkard and poor will always be looked down upon by people, people will always give that child weird stares as if it is the fault of that child for being born in that family, no one will ever sympathize with that child. If that child somehow becomes successful in life he will be praised by these very people but if somehow that child takes a wrong step in life and ends up being nothing then these people will talk shit about him ignoring everything that that child has endured. Being born in such kind of a family has made me realize that people around me will always treat as some kind of a trash. I am supposed to be very hardworking and I am not supposed to have fun like other kids because if I do so people will say " look at her she is poor and she is wasting her time like that". This is the very reason I have stopped socializing with my neighbors. No one in my school knows that I come from such kind of a family, so, I am treated as a normal kid over there. A kid who is allowed to have fun, socialize with her friends and can dress pretty. I don't know that if my friends come to know about all this, then will they treat me the same way or not.
The world is changing, it feels like COVID- 19 was just a small sign for a great change that has yet to come. Whenever I think about it, I always feel terrified. The income inequality is rising on next level. There is no way that I will be able to buy a home and live a peaceful life if I study hard and get a 9 to 5 job in corporate. Even if I go to countryside it still will not be possible. The job I am talking about is what only the top students of the country can get and it still won't be possible to live a decent life with that job. People say start a business as if it very easy to start one. In today's world even getting a job is tough, so just imagine how difficult it will be to build a business from scratch without having any connections. In today's time being a millionaire is not a big deal. People in my neighborhood are millionaire, but it is not a big deal. I just want to live a comfortable life, a life without the restrictions of money.
Time is moving soo fast. It feels like nothing is changing but when you look back everything has changed. I yet again feel like I have wasted a whole year. People say don't treat your life as a race, do things at your own pace, enjoy your life, make memories (they are all so wrong). This life is nothing but a race, kids from good families might not feel the same because they have the privilege to do things at their own pace but that is not the case with us. The only reason why I am still in this race is because I had the privilege to attend tuitions but when I look at the effort I have put in my life it is 0% maybe 20% but why not 100%? even 80% would work. I have the privilege to win this race by putting 80% of my effort but I am not. I took countless holidays from school to study, to put my effort in this race but I just did not rather I wasted my time by sleeping excessively, watching short videos, movies on netflix or simply by sitting ideally. Everyday when I wake up I wish to go back to sleep, watch netflix or simply learn about strangers' life on internet. This life is a race and if I continue to show up this attitude I will end up being nothing. I am always lazy and I am always criticizing myself. I am always feeling inferior and insecure.
I hate my family and I really do mean it when I say this. My father is the root cause of why my family is going through all this. He is very lazy and does nothing but waste his time. He thinks of women as nothing but something to abuse. He is an alcoholic and wastes his money on that. He always makes fake promises which somehow I always want to believe even though I know in the end I will be nothing but disappointed. He puts 0 efforts when it comes to my education, always find the best way to distract me but then puts this intense pressure on me to be the best. No matter how much he pretends he wants nothing but the worst for me in life.
My sister, I hate her with all my life. She is the bane of my existence. Unlike my father, she says it on my face how much bad she wants for me. She is happy when I don't get good grades and sad when I do get. All her life she has hopped for nothing but bad things for me. She is one of the most selfish, manipulative and worst person I have met my life. I many times wished for her to be a better person and that we could be the best sisters in the world but after constantly being disappointed I have stopped talking to her and when she talks to me I just hate it. I can't stand her at all and I never will. This is a fact that will never change.
And here comes my mother. I love her and she loves me too. It is a fact that she loves but she likes me as well because I am obedient to her, she won't accept it but it is the truth. Whenever, I am around her I feel like I am walking on eggshells one wrong step and she will give me that silent treatment for days. I hate this, this silent treatment that she gives me. The only person who makes me loose my cool is her because I will try to be my best self whenever I am around her - kind, obedient and smart but still she gets upset over small things. I put a lot of effort to make her feel satisfied with me but its never enough. She is always upset with me, its my studies if it is not my attitude, its my attitude if its not my studies and sometimes its because I am not acting obedient. She always says that she wants to die and no one loves her but always ignore the efforts I am putting in our relationship. If I read this para again it is simple to know how I developed my people pleasing nature. If my mom will read this, she will get upset over how I think about her but I have already said all these things to her before, she just never cared to pay attention to my talks.
I am very depressed these days and many times I have seriously wanted to die. I am just soo sick of all this. The only reason I want to live is because I don't want to give up before trying to win this race.
I have been getting the same nightmares from the past few days. These nightmares have made me realize what my greatest fear is. My greatest fear is not failure or not being loved, it is continuing to live where I am living in the future. All my life I lived in houses that are not comfortable and have no privacy, houses home to many ants, rats, cockroaches, termites and so on. Houses with dirty walls, dirty washrooms and dirty floors. In my nightmares I am either crying because how my mind feels due to these conditions or I am simply begging for my privacy, hiding myself form the people I live with. This dream is a sign for me to go somewhere, anywhere but away from here, from these people and from this place. This place is sucking the life out of me and making feel constantly exhausted and sad.
When I was younger than I am now, I did not understood people around me or simply me but now that I do, I know that where I live there is no light and I have to escape this place, go somewhere and start my life again, the way I want to, without being afraid of how people perceive me. How this world is changing might make it seem that it is impossible but all I know is that I have to win this race. I can have the life I deserve, if just win this race.
My goal is now clear and simple, run this race with all my effort and win this. Study hard not for someone else but for myself, for my future self, so that my future self is not here but somewhere faraway. I just don't have to dwell on all this sadness.
I have always wanted to write a diary, to introspect about my feelings but since I don't have any privacy in my house, I couldn't. People in my house will read everything I write for their entertainment and then make fun of me, scold me or hit me. So, this is why I have started this online diary. When I have escaped this place, I will write a diary like I have always wanted to.
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Goodbye My 2024 self : )
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