Here I sit. Alone in a room of darkness, solitude and my thoughts. My own past. My regrets.
Longing to hear her sing. Longing to see her. Looking at me without fear. To not cringe at my sight. Seeing me at least as a friend and the most as a beloved. Which I doubt would ever come to her mind due to what happened.
I am a monster. A monster who knows how to kill in cold blood. A monster who knows what is solitude and to be hated but never loved. I never wanted any harm come to her. No harm.
All I wanted was the best for her and to be honest; to love me. Like any lover. Like I do to her but now that is something I can only dream of and will remain in my mind. I could cry a river of tears but I am all dried up from all the harshness I had to endure since I was born. My mother never loved me and my father never existed. He was never there. Everyone who passed me hated or feared me. Like some monster. Some freak!
A freak with talents nevertheless and character. I know how to build a fine house or monument; I know how to compose an opera. I know how spy and kill someone but to love? How can I when it was never given? And all because of my face! Even with a mask it is not enough! Then what to make it sufficient? For others to respect and accept me the way I am.
Is it all God's or the Devil's doing? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why? I traveled across the world to find answers and to escape the past; hoping to get a clearer view yet everything is covered in mist. What am I overseeing? What hinders me to become for once normal? Like any man loving a woman and share it with her until you grow old. Without a horrid face.
Apparently not for me. I mean look at me! Even the mirror is close to a-cracking when I see my reflection. Why did God build this sort of road for me to walk down? What have I done? Why did Christine choose the other man? Is it because of his riches and good looks? Some silly childhood memories? What is so special about him? Nothing really. Just man with a high title and traveled often to the north but nothing more. He does not even have an ear for music. Not able to recognize the difference between Mozart or Bach. He can not compose like me. He can not build buildings and he can barely handle with a sword. I could have easily killed him at the graveyard but I went easy on him for Christine's sake. Knowing he is important to her.
Christine. I can never hate you. Never and never did I ever want to hurt you. Just love me like you do now to that other man. Oh, how I wish be in that man's position. I would give my soul to the devil. I wish love could be easily done like some calculation and then you have it. Some formula that counts for everyone and then voila. That is why during the hours at the stage before the mouse-trap I stole the same words you said to him. Hoping you would change your mind; like some damn spell!
So I have learned love is not that. Love is like a rose. It has its thorns and its beauty to admire.
Just like the fairy tale "the Beauty and the Beast" or "the Hunchback of Notre Dame". Only there is no happy ending in store for me. I shall never be loved. Only hated or feared.
I will wear my mask. I will kill in cold blood. No wonder when something comes onto my hand it gets broken or cursed. No wonder Christine does not love me. No wonder!
She knows what power and skill I have but I would put it to use to protect her. If anyone harms her then it would be the last thing they do. I can not bare to think if that happens to her now from that other man. It infuriates me. Like a flame I will burn. Fast and painful for him; indeed.
What am I thinking? I shall not kill him no matter how great my desire. She chose him. I shall let it be. My road leads me else where. The least I wish for her is to be happy and to remember me. Not the terrible things but the good things. When I was her 'Angel of Music' and the first moment we met face to face and allowed her to my lair. Showing her talent to sing. That she can achieve great things if she saw clearer her talents.
I remember very well how she started off in the opera as a ballet dancer and understudy for that woman who believed to have a voice, La Carlotta or should I say 'Mademoiselle Grenouille'. Christine was barely accepted and noticed by other people. I had at first sympathy and was then very shy, asked Madame Giry if she could stay close to Christine. It turned out to be not such a bad idea because Christine got along fine with her daughter Meg. From there I started to notice her talent and had enough courage to speak to her.
I know now I should not have done so; it hurt her poor heart. Then how? Just reveal the true me with mask? She would have ran away from me in fear. As always. Maybe asked more favours to Madam Giry? But I wanted to do it on my own. I did not want to appear as a coward.
All I wanted was to be loved. I never wanted to harm her. No harm.
It's out of the perspective of The Phantom of the Opera in his lair, catacombs or some dark place underground.913Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkSMoywgl6m
The band is called "Editors" and the song "No Harm".
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