For anyone who needs this, here's a warning: this entry will contain some of my most hopeless thoughts, dipping (somewhat shallowly) into existential questions. Only proceed if you are not sensitive to these things.
To add onto that, this issue is not as organized as my usual writing. In other words, I did not proof read it multiple times. If there are any inconsistencies or mistakes, this is why. Don't be afraid to point it out or tell me to fix it, though.
My mother and I were having an argument revolving around my schoolwork. It felt as if all my motivation had left me years ago, and I had been empty for years. After allowing myself to be pressured into taking college courses in high school, I couldn't keep up. My grades gradually dropped lower and lower with each quarter. I felt as if I would never be good enough to accomplish anything.
Somehow, I couldn't even muster the strength to do the things I loved anymore. My greatest passions, which are math, music, and art, died out. All that's left is a hollow shell trying to pick up all the broken pieces of what once made me special. It's like I can't even be happy anymore.
That was when it happened. After delivering long rant about how I should be better than this, and how I should be taking advantage of the resources she bought for me, my mother said that I would never make it through high school, and that I would never graduate. In the moment, it was like a spear impaled through my heart. I could feel the foundations of my identity crumbling, and suddenly it was like I was nobody. After a long cry in the corner of my room, there were no tears left. There was nothing in place of the pain that had just stricken me. I was completely empty, and now felt nothing.
It must be devastating to watch a child give up on everything they ever loved, especially if it's your own. I understand the perspective my mother was taking, and while I cannot put myself in her shoes, I can still acknowledge that it hurts. Although, while the statement should have pushed me to do better and bring my grades up, I contributed nothing more to it. It's been a day since this happened, and still, I do not feel any motivation to complete my work or do better. I still feel nothing rereading the positive comments my English teacher made on my first paper. All I can think about is how all her praise and encouragement amounted to nothing. My professors did everything for me, and they still have to watch me dig myself into this hole of self-doubt that I may never crawl back out of.
I know that the prompt for this was supposed to be the most hurtful words. I can say for certain that these are not the ones that hurt me the most, but the ones that made me think the most. With how easily I'm discouraged from trying, I realize that I may never have a future beyond my required credits. I may never be able to hold a job with stable income, and I may never have a family or a house or a friend to be there when I'm cold and alone. Without a purpose (or a drive to search for one), there is no point in hoping for a change. People don't understand those who don't have goals or aspirations because they want to assign a meaning to everything. With no meaning, am I a person anymore?
ns 15.158.61.5da2
