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「爱(艾)麗絲,沒有錯喔」27Please respect copyright.PENANAb1LOsEm8sr
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將自己當成人類,模仿人類給自己的存在加上名字,少女外貌的怪物讀出不屬於自己的名字,在不知不覺間教導女孩「憎恨」的代名詞27Please respect copyright.PENANAp1ie2lAxWJ
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無心的愛麗絲,即人偶的爱麗絲27Please respect copyright.PENANAPlgmfq1uwY
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「因為姐姐的名字不是英文啦,所以讀法不一樣囉」27Please respect copyright.PENANApp7jsISdGi
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儘管「愛麗絲」這名字的確是指「夢遊仙境的愛麗絲」,然而當談及「缺心的爱麗絲」的時候,那名字的由來才不是自日不落,不是英文,反而是亞洲的語言,華文,畢竟「無心」的描述,只會在漢字上表現出來27Please respect copyright.PENANAfapXDYV8c7
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名字最開始的典故,在被用作稱呼怪物的俗名之前,似乎是關於一宗兇殺案,死者的心臟被藏在一個愛麗絲人偶裏,之類的27Please respect copyright.PENANAWlOMPLv8Nb
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但是現在,這個名字被賦予了新的意思,始終當這三字能離開其口中的原因,乃是簡單的「這個名字甚至不是直指自己」27Please respect copyright.PENANAn4f69ftxti
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在這個世界上,存在着「爱麗絲」的都市傳說,相傳說,在夜裏,噩夢人偶會在夢中預言你的死亡,而當你看見它的時候,要不你順從之意見,被帶到仙境去,不然的話,你將面對最艱辛難捱的死亡 —— 你看得見的瞬間,你的命運已經被決定27Please respect copyright.PENANAjnrbkz14Fc
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而它,則是「偷」走了這名字27Please respect copyright.PENANADHujHG7bYC
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在少女的罪行中,它的犯罪並非完美,純粹是社會無法將其捉拿,不過更何況人偶殺人的手段,和人偶本身一樣,也是非同尋常,一直以來,它的受害者也大普遍是自殺、他殺的,少女甚少將自己的雙手浸進血池之中
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偷走名字的它,算是都市傳說的原型,在這個世代,有着「崎品」—— 導致少女能變成人偶的原因,有這樣存在的世界,社會曾經主流着「反崎品」的風氣
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那怕現在也好,這陣營的殘黨還存在,而「爱麗絲的憐憫」,則是其眾多觀念中的其一:不論方法不論身份,對崎品宿主殺無赦
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而這個想法,也是少女所忠從的教條27Please respect copyright.PENANAWuw976C6vC
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雖然自身也是宿主然而27Please respect copyright.PENANA0lnc3F6dt7
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自己也是個人類,實際上並非什麼英雄角色,凡人的她也是自相矛盾,固執且有私念
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這也解釋了為什麼現在的人偶,正坐在這,和孩子玩着「煮飯仔」、過家家酒,儘管不遠處的某東西在腐爛
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世界還是會繼續27Please respect copyright.PENANAcrRGPoyPLK
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「姐姐叫爱麗絲⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAc1pUH1oI5j
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「這樣嗎⋯?是了,我叫 —— 」
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「先快吃飯吧,要不涼了喲?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAsMrhA6PYSO
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人偶插話道,用說教的口吻打斷了孩子
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「⋯啊!好的!」
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女孩的專注力會因一句而瓦解,始終人類的言行很容易受外界影響,那怕是最微不足道、一丁點的刺激,也足以改變一個人的思想
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而對於怪物而言,畢竟其本心算是個人類,所以道理同是,所以她不願意,更加不希望聽到女孩告訴自己真相,瓦解自己的保護罩,把恐怖的現實堵在眼前 —— 女孩是一個活生生的存在、生命,擁有自己的未來、意志和想法,而掌握了現實的人偶則能預視得到未來,太陽花隨時間凋萎、死去的畫面
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拒絕知道女孩的名字,拒絕與之聯繫,正如她拒絕相信女孩是真實存在着
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因為若將那作為前題,她無法徵求自己的同意,她無法接受如此若無其事的自己,她覺得自己病態、噁心,失去做人的資格
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倒是,退後一步,究竟是誰定下標準,決定誰有資格的呢?
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這個社會?身邊的人?信條主義?道德規範?
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裝在人偶外殼裏頭的少女,嘗試無視理性的聲音
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模仿人類的禮儀,人偶靠在桌上,托着下巴,露出月亮般的眼神,嘴掛甜味的聲調,在人類的文化,被稱作「母性」的表現
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「粗茶淡飯,不成敬意」27Please respect copyright.PENANA2C95mdv752
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渴求保護小孩子的欲望,下意識地擔上重責的慾望,這份「母性」又好,有些人會稱之為「愛的表現」
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卻由這麼一個身份的,展現出來,是不是有點奇怪呢?
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「那是什麼意思?」
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「啊⋯就是⋯我說⋯姐姐我盡力了⋯不好吃的話⋯對不起⋯⋯之類的感覺?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAoaj8SSBPfZ
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久違的責任感,人偶反應不過來
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「沒關係的說!爱麗絲姐姐!平時我就是吃這些的了」
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女孩卻不知道「空氣」是讀的,不是吸的,她那股天真包容着所有,反而成為了罪疚感的溫床
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「媽媽她每天都工作得很晚很夜,在我睡着覺的時候才回家,然後她工作很累很辛苦,不會煮飯,所以平日買便當盒,平時我也是吃這些便當,所以沒關係啦!」
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天真的笑容,發自內在的善心才格外叫知情者感到心酸,吃着便利店的飯盒便當渡日的小女孩,並非一個健康的孩子,唯獨身陷在不幸中,仍堅稱自己是幸福、開心的,這反差是一種折磨,更是一種毒藥
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對心靈的折磨,毒啞大腦的砒霜,尤其對人偶而言,堪比致命,對於在其身上看到自己影子的人偶而言,這是噩夢的原料
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與此同時,孩童心滿意足的景象,也令「追求真理」的聲音變大27Please respect copyright.PENANA4avMpqMXKP
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而事實?事實是你無法將傷口強行拉上,並稱之為「癒合」27Please respect copyright.PENANAnrMdg0ICaa
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只是那把聲音一直重覆,直至你聽到為止,即使你聽到然後,那把「理性」的聲音會作為噪音,支配你的精神27Please respect copyright.PENANAbM9hZZllSt
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畢竟真相的可怕之處,便是你無法忽視,把真實的想法瞞住的時候,再溫柔的聲音也會變得刺耳,然後煩燥的音調就會逐漸吞噬自己,到那個時候,「追求真理」的想法乃是傷口的形狀,腦中的缺口
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創傷的由來,這是27Please respect copyright.PENANAIIPmHfdMfx
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乃是真相,真相並非人人可以接受27Please respect copyright.PENANACnlAUCsk0t
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而事實?事實是女孩的母親其實一點也不在乎27Please respect copyright.PENANAwUvbwAfJco
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那個和她有血緣關係的雌性動物,女人她每晚都在外頭快活,享受酒肉,獨留兒童在家中,留下這個九個月也決定不了而出現的負擔
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不過人類真的是很好養,最好養的生物,不是嗎?
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病了,會自己照顧自己;餓了,會自己找食的;有什麼需要,也懂得去嘗試滿足自己
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正因如此,她的母親,才允許這樣的一件麻煩事,留在自己的家中
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然而不變的事實是:她並不在乎
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而事實?事實是,一切取決於自己罷27Please respect copyright.PENANAcAea1SHxaS
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另一個事實乃,一切取決於人偶自己罷27Please respect copyright.PENANApWpSQvfjpB
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無論做什麼好,你心中如何糾纏也好,當你真的下手的時候,你已經成功徵求自己的意見
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要不然,你怎會這樣行動呢?對不對?27Please respect copyright.PENANAm9i5xcWioF
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因此,人偶,那怕心中有許多說不出口的話,當她選擇閉上嘴巴的時候,她已經是默許自己的罪行,是軟弱的共犯,是冷漠的幫凶
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這樣沉默,為了的,只不過是在保護那遲早會破滅的幻夢
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而她也知道,今天和以往許多次一樣,結局也會那樣子,像預測的一樣
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女孩沒有未來27Please respect copyright.PENANAlVhpAJX9Q4
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卻,人偶真身的她只會把一切當成惡夢,把別人的真實當成虛假的故事,逃避,置身事外
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要不然怎樣?叫人偶負責任?27Please respect copyright.PENANAJ2ULuDGeiy
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人偶她想過
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不過
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想過、計劃過又如何?
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要知道的是,這世界不多少,是結果論的27Please respect copyright.PENANAgt4G2wLvM0
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這是無可厚非的事實27Please respect copyright.PENANA2Y3g5DSiVD
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這全都是此世道的真相27Please respect copyright.PENANAMwKOW6zyTl
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而可惡的世界之所以可惡,因為它無時無刻地提醒着可惡的全人類們,活在這人間地獄須知道的道理,千遍一律且無情的可惡道理
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雪上加霜的便是可惡的人類從來不懂得記住,或是說,一直記不住
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始終可悲的過去、創傷,留戀傷疤的價值何在?你說對不對?
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你說,究竟為什麼?
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為什麼自己在關心無關痛癢的事情呢?27Please respect copyright.PENANAlrhpih2aBN
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為什麼自己⋯27Please respect copyright.PENANAKjBzc7KOLS
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「你爸爸呢?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAlwKdxLDNGb
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問了些從一開始其實就不應該有的問題27Please respect copyright.PENANAmKN0w0K1MR
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盯着小朋友認真思考,用心思考自己之後會選擇性遺忘的答案,這份天真的回報是世道一概的冷漠,況且還是自己選擇的結果,一想到這,人偶抿緊唇邊
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「唔⋯不知道咧⋯我因該沒有爸爸吧?我不記得自己的爸爸長什麼樣子,說話是什麼聲音⋯我都不知道」
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「『應該』才對」27Please respect copyright.PENANAVUNQ2OyxbO
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真的把自己當成姐姐了,意識到自己正偏離軌道的瞬間,人偶那抿緊的唇下是牙齒,覺得心癢而大力咬住自己的下唇
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然後,在心內對自己說:
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又來了27Please respect copyright.PENANAS2HvhRhW6p
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又在管教別人,又是多餘的感情在作祟,明明已經自我警誡別再沾上關係,身體倒是在背道而行
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不過
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閉嘴、閉嘴,全都給我閉嘴27Please respect copyright.PENANAxHTs1Sh7mZ
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安靜一下不行嗎?
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此刻的少女只想放鬆,只想和眼前的女孩感受着時間的流逝
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而當她這麼想的時候,要用現實的聲音蓋過其「心」音,腦海便迎來片刻的安寧,暴風雨的前夕
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靜下來,少女繼續
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「那麼⋯我說,我問,你平常都是你的母親照顧你了喔?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAdLWeHLRY9g
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「對⋯⋯不過大部分時間我也是自己照顧自己就是了,媽媽又不是每天都回家」
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女孩擺出少許無奈的神情,但本來的純真快樂,很快便把怨言的表情抹殺掉
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純粹,因為有人交談而快樂,你要知道的是那種純粹的快樂,必定是未經世面的童真,想到這世界居然將兩個極端的情況放在一起,人偶不存在的心,感到心悒
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「學校呢?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAoLgIwymNrH
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剛剛才出口,一旦目睹小朋友逃避眼光的樣子,即使是白痴也能分辨出「尷尬」的意思,明顯地,擅闖民居的「大姐姐」又踏了地雷,勾起了女孩那不怎討喜的回憶
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「這個⋯」
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歪掉的笑容,期期艾艾的小女孩在掙扎,不懂得把自己裝飾起來的後果便是會害怕受傷,變得膽小
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「人家⋯⋯」
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只見停止進食的她避開視線,側頭,尷尬地笑了一會,唯獨笑意一瞬便消退,剩下焦慮畫在臉上,低下頭的孩子靜視盤中餐,汗滴項下桌
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「學校⋯人家⋯」
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難言之隱,卻最終仍說出了何解27Please respect copyright.PENANAR5I8I83fHd
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結果論而言,也許這是大人和小朋友的差別27Please respect copyright.PENANAlhPAYWxZkb
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「人家在讀週末班⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAshJmXzkisi
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「這樣嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAbXoynWkv51
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另一廂,大人和小朋友的其二差別是修飾、社教化、出於同理的自我審查27Please respect copyright.PENANA5HaW79bvBX
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週末班也就是特殊教育班,「特殊教育」四個字給人的感覺往往是貶的,不過對這個領域有交涉的她而言,才不是什麼大不了的事情
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因此人偶只是很平淡地帶過去27Please respect copyright.PENANAfyPq5T3gEi
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「姐姐你⋯不會覺得我很奇怪嘛?」
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「為什麼呢?」27Please respect copyright.PENANArcl0ygWdUx
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「因為媽媽說⋯是有問題的孩子才會進週末班⋯」
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聽到這,內心有少許不耐煩,甚至生氣,少女便稍微提高聲量,強調語道:
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「我說,別聽她說的」27Please respect copyright.PENANA5HL0pxTnII
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「我說,看著姐姐」27Please respect copyright.PENANAtOSnY4Yajt
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靠近身子,人偶與女孩四目交投,那怕小小的雙眼帶着的感覺並不肯定,仿真的寶珠所映照的小靈魂,確實是無比珍貴,至少對沒有靈魂的怪物來說是這樣
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在那可悲的雙眼中,怪物將人性的低限劃了在奇怪的地方,然而自我矛盾的缺點,從僅存的人類身份中繼承過來了
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何止,無心的少女更是在教導別人何謂「本心」27Please respect copyright.PENANA1NL3MOf43S
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「你笨嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAjfrTmz8nre
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人偶清了清嗓子,然後以盡溫柔的聲線去提問,人偶本來的聲音是未睡醒的惺忪,弱質中既是魅亦是柔
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這樣格外刻意的溫柔倒反而顯得嚴肅,「姐姐」的形象便從暱稱轉為敬稱
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「可能吧⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAgQALoF4LAg
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女孩她,縱使有少許猶豫的表現,她還是讓自卑勝過了自尊27Please respect copyright.PENANAWadU82x0CZ
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這也算是大人和小朋友的分別吧
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小朋友不擅長說謊
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但大人會
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「那麼來背乘數表⋯捌柒是什麼?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAOq7OheB9eC
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很會自欺,還有欺人27Please respect copyright.PENANAkPSrJDmi7z
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爱麗絲又好愛麗絲又好,皆並非什麼公主童話,她只是一個少女,一個卑微而普通的孩子,一個沒有榮耀可言的野孩子,一個沒有貴族格的平民
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少女對女孩施展名為「換個角度」的魔法,也是名為「混淆視聽」的黑魔法27Please respect copyright.PENANAk7p8tGO4oJ
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魔女知道自己罪行深重,然而看着小女孩的雙眼逐漸明亮起來,她不介意自己將來所要面對的業報
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「欵⋯⋯伍拾陸?」
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「正確」27Please respect copyright.PENANADaZTT5htLJ
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「第二條問題:一天有多少個小時?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAnwvan0Vq0X
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「我知道!貳拾陸小時!」
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女孩的眼神明顯地改善了,果然孩子和小動物一樣,小狗一樣,稱讚一下、鼓勵一下便會打起精神,要怎樣改變其情緒一目了然
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孩子回答着些其答案明顯不過的問題,表面上看,人偶甚至乎在侮辱她,只不過,當注意那對誠心的眼神,笑時出現溫柔的小酒窩,包容的表現是學着人的那套,無心的怪物也許一時三刻忘記了自己是「無心」的存在
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「沒錯!那麼⋯最後一題」27Please respect copyright.PENANAvGG48Fh0Fy
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「如果有需要叫警察或是醫生的話,要打緊急救助電話,電話號碼 —— 」
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「三個九!打電話九九九」
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「大正解」27Please respect copyright.PENANA6g8vgJmOXY
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看着人偶的笑容,你能指控之虛偽嗎?還是說,純粹因為人偶是生命的仿真品,你就徹底否定造物不能模仿其造物者,而成為新的造物者?因為說了一個謊而不可能真誠?罪人其罪不可贖?難道你的世界是平面而無趣的?
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婉如童話?
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缺心的少女知道這世界會怎審判自身,並確信自己的抉擇,那怕她不是自大狂妄或無知愚者,她純粹確信自己的「罪行」是善行
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確信犯27Please respect copyright.PENANAGOd8AsrgTb
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自己的信者27Please respect copyright.PENANAQS9YItPRbN
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「看呀?你根本就不笨,不是嗎?你覺得自己笨嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANApqWdngsngl
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「⋯才沒有⋯!」
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在那邊,它是殺人的怪物,在這邊,她是和藹親切的姐姐;雙重標準的重點便是當事人堅信偏見為「道理」
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人不會改變,孩子的真實狀況不會因為人偶的一句半句而發生轉變,但是人心易變,比大家想像更容易,畢竟人本來就是多面的,知道適當的咒語,乃能使人心逆轉
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所以說,自卑又好自信又好,兩者皆是真實,而人偶選擇了自己的真實
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「自信百倍再來一次」27Please respect copyright.PENANAUw1lXcOCDO
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「我不笨!」
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而當她看到小孩那天真的笑容,她滿意了,自己的干預有了結果,滿意的結果
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兩人出發點不同,卻阻止不了雙方達到共識
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這是大人要教小孩子的道理,不論是剛提及的隱意又好,要自信點的明意也好
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儘管,大人往往都忘記這道理就是了
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「當然」27Please respect copyright.PENANAByPSmPsr0t
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「姐姐說,這個世界有各種不同的人,有些人要多點協助,或是不一樣的學習方法,所以說不用感到慚愧喔,週末班什麼的」27Please respect copyright.PENANAw41WBfNGj5
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人偶對視小孩子,語重心長地說教着,恐怕這番說話,是這怪物今晚至今唯一心對口對之如,更是三觀正確的發言,甚至比很多稱為「人」的行屍走肉表現得更好
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「你才不是有問題的孩子」27Please respect copyright.PENANAdTNLKCJngf
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誠心鼓勵,完美的怪物道出了僅有的人性27Please respect copyright.PENANAvPPgEta7OR
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「謝謝你!爱麗絲姐姐!」
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「看呀,第一次便讀對了我的名字了」27Please respect copyright.PENANAEhcjyVDGzm
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「嘿嘿!」
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少女她的善意,直接使被稱讚的女孩再度畫上笑臉
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然而,當女孩正樂在其中,戒心放鬆,翡翠明珠察覺到暗處的色澤差異,一個令人不寒而慄的景色
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人偶小心翼翼地提問道27Please respect copyright.PENANAO2Xl0kN3PE
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「我說⋯⋯介意⋯姐姐再問你一個問題嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAhLemgToe31
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但其實,她沒有更好的問法
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「你的媽媽不太溫柔嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANA9LESzqAjzU
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女孩聽到後,立即轉了個神情,面色馬上直沉下去,連忙把上手臂收回在衣袖的保護下
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可惜,忘記,不是簡單,不在沒有時間的幫助下
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人偶看到,記住了
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翡翠綠所映射的現實中,曾經在那皮膚上,辨認出啞色、深黯,在女孩的右上手臂,衣料下的那裏有紅斑,還有烏黑的一片,紫黑,瘀黑,瘀傷,好一片27Please respect copyright.PENANAZuA7wjjL4Q
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「這個⋯⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAfuh94dgKXo
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只見本來打算以笑遮羞,女孩的雙眉卻捲起,笑意從其臉上離開,逐漸變為皮笑肉不笑,努力上揚的嘴角隨重力墮下,疲憊的眼神和無力的臉肌,似乎皆是在說明女孩放棄了掙扎,選擇屈服在真實
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她說,內疚的口吻,如同在告密、做錯事情的語氣吐出來,低聲下氣唸出最真實的說話
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「⋯⋯有時⋯媽媽有點恐怖⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAtMgNdoXw2X
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停頓,哽咽着,低着頭,那神情軟弱得很,差在沒有縮成一團,而翡翠綠觀察到,小孩正用指甲,刺自己的手,刮着手背,磨擦指尖的肉
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「她會⋯這樣⋯⋯」
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她說,聲音越來越小,愈來愈細
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「⋯⋯那樣⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAT4zPAlFhan
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碎髮下的眼睛,小小的眼睛失焦了,她不在那
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「還有⋯⋯還有⋯⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAMLTZ8XdHba
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人偶移動,坐在女孩的旁邊,它向前彎身,伸出了手,輕輕地捉住了小女孩的手,冰冷,是爱麗絲的發現
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儘管她的手比自己溫暖,有血有肉的人類理應有更高的體溫,何況是小孩,因此,當低體溫的怪物觸碰她的手,感覺到暖水的溫度,而非熔爐的灼熱,怪物外殼的少女,不存在的心,沉了下去
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「⋯⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANA8wdgb18MJV
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模仿人類的行為,以肢體接觸來安慰面前的孩子,畢竟除此以外,她不懂其他方法27Please respect copyright.PENANAEcRzVHzPzv
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盡可能平靜的聲音,背後是擔憂,缺乏人性的怪物,真心地不安
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「怎了?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAfp1auU19Iy
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唯見,當女孩再次抬頭時,瞳孔中的靈魂又回來了,精神復位,扯線娃娃的糸絃再次被誰人拾起,被誰指示要露出快樂的表情
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倒是回神過來的呆滯拒絕了如此的指令,問原因,也許是剛剛,表演的主事人丟下了杖頭,導致懸線受損,因此娃娃的動作變得生疏、生硬了,那個想法,開始控制不了娃娃
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「沒事」27Please respect copyright.PENANA3HY194uOFO
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發現自己的手腳沒再被束縛,初嚐自由滋味的小公仔,一時之間不知道怎樣反應,她擺動四肢和身體,希望駁接身上的線頭能給予回饋,告訴她什麼該做、什麼不該做,該去那且不該去那,祈求感覺到線頭的拉扯,渴望誰人能給她指引,然而,扯線娃娃的這個舉動,最終使受損的懸線都斷掉
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她自由了,卻也不自由
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人偶,看着對狀況毫無頭緒的小孩子娃娃,只是表示理解,溫柔地說道
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「⋯不想說也沒關係」27Please respect copyright.PENANA3Ks1zVPTmj
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避開視線的這次是人偶,一心想減輕對女孩構成的壓力,方便她說出真話,畢竟問問題並非單純是自己想知道答案,而是希望小女孩自己也能知道真正答案
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懷着天真的願望,爱麗絲問道
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「你喜歡媽媽嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAVb2TQ8oR9H
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「⋯唔⋯不知道⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAlLz26e81Oz
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過了一會,人偶又問
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「那麼」27Please respect copyright.PENANAGNvPmbswV0
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「你討厭媽媽嗎?」
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「不討厭」
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想也不用想,孩子她本能地反應,彷彿這問題的答案是刻了在舌尖上,扯線娃娃相信着記憶中的感覺,堅決地認為懸線的意圖,是對自己的愛
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「可是你不是剛剛說不知道嗎?我問你喜不喜歡媽媽的時候」27Please respect copyright.PENANAqFFw0RMURr
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而人偶,沒有懸線的人偶並不是為表演而誕生,不同扯線娃娃,名為爱麗絲的它不依靠誰人維生,觀賞用的人偶自由身,不用為討好別人而表演或起舞,城市老鼠因此質問鄉下老鼠,為什麼不想複雜一點點
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鄉下老鼠卻從未想過自己為什麼會這樣回答,扯線娃娃既不懂怎樣像大人般思考,也不會人世的大大小小
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縱使小孩子傷痕累累,她卻無法告訴人偶為什麼自己對此,不介意
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也許在她的心中,十個回憶,有八個不快的回憶,有兩個開心的回憶;在苦痛中時,前八個回憶會不斷重複;但當一切沉澱下去時,那兩個再微不足道的片段,小小的欣慰,也能蓋着充滿煩惱和雜念的過去
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人性、人的本質也是這樣的,不是嗎?「我們害怕失去」,我們更懼怯改變,而這個本性,在未成熟的腦袋裏,基因的影響力更是倍增
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「那麼⋯人家⋯我要收回那句」27Please respect copyright.PENANAawohyf9s1U
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「畢竟無論怎樣也好!我喜歡媽媽!」27Please respect copyright.PENANA11qb4xNwIz
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人偶無視着,裝聽不到那聲音,不存在的心音
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是憤怒?是無奈?是心悸?是理解?
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什麼也不是,是空洞
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人偶,知道自己沒有資格和能力,挑戰女孩所相信的現實,所以它將一切情緒壓縮成三隻字
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「這樣嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAYTKxeiEFkD
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它又說
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「你的媽媽一定很開心呢」27Please respect copyright.PENANA5DAn2zDLg7
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「她會嗎?」
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「嗯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAbe8IiZBGiO
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嘆了口氣,擔當姐姐身份的它轉了話題,把多餘又不存在的心丟下,在臉上擦走負能量,留下空洞的笑容,並用和藹的聲音填補當中的虛偽
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「好啦,吃完飯,快去刷牙洗面睡覺去,都什麼時間了?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAZxgtyRka8J
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「欵?!不要吧⋯⋯」
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孩子的反應天然十分,先是露出不悅的表情,然後偷看自己的反應,女孩只是裝反叛
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「⋯說笑的」
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某程度反映,人偶的表現,女孩全盤接受了,還要反過來調戲自己,如此的互動,是信任的行為
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理應開心,不是嗎?
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人偶卻沒有一絲愉悅
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「真是的」27Please respect copyright.PENANA7kQ5s9HAjs
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「還不早點睡?姐姐我會用魔法偷走你的美夢喔!」27Please respect copyright.PENANAI7iZtiD5Cu
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如果,電影只播放這幾幕,觀眾會產生和實際情況相反的印象,認為她們兩人是對姐妹,始終兩人相處得和睦之極,而這些互動,這場「家庭遊戲」是會叫人羨慕的程度
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「好可怕!⋯的樣子!」
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「⋯的樣子⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAu8qWP03rQp
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可惜,事實上不是這樣
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爱麗絲心生畏懼之情
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罪疚感,刀片似,憤怒而無情地破壞四周,把心臟攪碎
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的確,女孩很喜歡自己
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但是,如果,萬一如果,她知道了自己到來的目的,或者是領略了禁忌的事實,小女孩到底會有什麼反應呢?
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人偶不敢想像27Please respect copyright.PENANAU8JNIBmtXF
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時間的流逝在呆滯的雙眼前不會出現,但存在,當聲音再次進入耳中,爱麗絲只見自己坐了在女孩的房間裏,坐在床邊的高背椅上
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「吶」27Please respect copyright.PENANAcnzhK8Xcgj
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「姐姐⋯哄人家睡覺嘛!」
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女孩請求着姐姐,希望少女運用想像力或是什麼,給自己帶來有趣的感覺
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她卻不敢想像27Please respect copyright.PENANAgZNrHCXkWv
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因為不敢承認,所以她選擇抹殺那把聲音,將其污名為「怪物」,拒絕聆聽現實的聲音,因為痛,會痛,她害怕,所以她當作自己不知道
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一心只想停止思考,那怕知道這場遊戲總會結束,少女卻寧願長痛,而非短痛
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少女因此說⋯人偶因此認為⋯
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不要想,停止思考27Please respect copyright.PENANAmhnMxOMU9k
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「那麼你先閉上眼睛」27Please respect copyright.PENANAbEA3MpaEs2
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「好的」
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乖巧聽話,女孩想也不用想,閉上雙眼,乖乖地躺在床上了
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這也是大人和小朋友的分別吧
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因為孩子,還沒有那把聲音
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始終,成為大人的條件,是把自己心中的孩子殺掉27Please respect copyright.PENANAwidgIQlTQ7
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不過呢,想法呀,觀念之類的,本性什麼,是無法消滅的27Please respect copyright.PENANAXZQ8D6ToJ0
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你只是不去——
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閉嘴27Please respect copyright.PENANAl6O0PcHWPV
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閉嘴!
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現在27Please respect copyright.PENANAef5j46kelp
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說故事就夠了27Please respect copyright.PENANAdHC78mlCCt
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閉嘴
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安靜27Please respect copyright.PENANApcBSwEhHwy
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現在是說睡前故事的時間27Please respect copyright.PENANA4rXaDROjx1
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小孩子該睡覺的時候27Please respect copyright.PENANA3tV75NDkwF
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人偶從記憶中選了一個故事,開始唸給床上的兒童聽27Please respect copyright.PENANAQJriXxLJAF
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「很久很久以前,有一個牧羊為業的小男孩,他的工作是看守羊群」27Please respect copyright.PENANAeQFjHaufaC
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「太陽出來時,他便要把羊群帶出村外的草地吃草,黃昏之際,他便要把羊群帶領回村莊,是份很簡單的工作」
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真懷念呢
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「不過呢,日復一日,工作內容一如概往的他,開始覺得自己的工作很枯燥,每天也真的過得好無聊」27Please respect copyright.PENANAfYoOx0s1X2
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「所以呢」
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「男孩他就萌生了一個想法」
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「他就這樣想了」27Please respect copyright.PENANAxmf6wD9dFX
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「『如果我騙村民說,有狼出沒的話,他們究竟會如何反應呢?』」
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「一心想看村民的反應,打着壞主意的男孩隱藏着自己的笑意,便裝作慌張地跑到村莊」
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曾經有一段時間,這是我每晚的例行公事
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人偶,不,少女它,少女她,這樣想着
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「在村口,他大叫道」27Please respect copyright.PENANAwvj2iHTcda
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「『狼來了!狼來了!』」
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「果不其然,村民們都馬上跑過來了,真的以為有狼來了,要吃掉村莊的羊群」27Please respect copyright.PENANAoHBcURUdeP
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「男孩他只是在一旁的樹後奸笑着,眼見村民在什麼也沒有的草坪上,尋找不存在的狼隻,因他們的笨拙而心感可笑」
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出於某些原因,回憶過去對我而言卻不見懷舊,只有一份憤怒的感覺,對自身的怒火,而當記憶片段開始從腦海中離去時,其留下的痕跡,乃是內疚,一股刺痛,數萬根鐵針在心臟中長出,由內至外扎,刺開胸口
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別看我現在的樣子,好歹我也嚐過「幸福」
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我的腦子也有正常過的日子
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直至某天,一切都改變了
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在一個沒法預料到的時候,再也平常不過的日子,我在瞬間失去了小小的聽眾們
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還有⋯
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其他我不願意回想的細節27Please respect copyright.PENANAy2bgqnhj7q
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是因果報應吧27Please respect copyright.PENANA5yIEAUSDv0
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不對,時間序錯了
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是命運的「預訂金」才對,我種的惡果,恐怕早已穿越時光,懲罰着那個時候的自己,還天真的自己
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即使現在的我,不斷破壞着不同的家庭,明明我懂得那種痛苦,討厭回想起這種感覺
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我到底在做什麼?為什麼我要施加痛苦在別人身上?又不是不懂「己所不欲,勿施於人」的道理27Please respect copyright.PENANA1TWjlhndFL
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我問你,難道這不活該嗎?令人家破人亡的怪物,自己也得同樣下場
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還是說呢,其實命運早就是定局27Please respect copyright.PENANAehkHk1Umt0
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命運的捉弄,我,注定要雙手染血:「這一切也是世界指示我做的、犯下的罪」何等眾人皆醉我獨醒的一句27Please respect copyright.PENANA5DDwPIoSkz
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是推卸責任的說法,一個令人噁心的想法27Please respect copyright.PENANAADHGgX8MX0
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我卻無恥地相信,有一部分的自己,對這句深信不疑,因此,我對自己感到厭惡
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如果你問我:「那麼為什麼不放棄這個信念?」
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夢話還是留在枕旁吧
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這個世界上,那會有人承認自己是錯的?
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人只會堅信自己的歪理
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我也毫不例外
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我相信那些可笑的聲音
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「我是正確的」27Please respect copyright.PENANA82YC9wqI2F
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「我不是錯的那個」27Please respect copyright.PENANAI7D2E6VLYA
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才怪27Please respect copyright.PENANASOQ9VNR6Lk
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人只是不想認錯罷
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口上是這樣說,但是自己不是白痴,倘存的理智知道真相,並恨不得把自己殺死
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而那把聲音的變異體,比較溫和的版本,則是不停煩擾自己
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腦海中煩人的聲音,如同蚊子一樣的惱人聲音在提議:「再不然的話,現在停下來」
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「直接重新開始吧?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAf0S6aip0e6
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我會回覆它:那麼女孩她呢?她願意嗎?她明白「重新開始」的意思,是指我奪去了她的所有,再叫她無依無靠地過她的人生嗎?像自己一樣,我是要他人過上和自己的生活嗎?難道我只是在單純地洩憤嗎?是嗎?不是嗎?你又何從得知?!那麼還請你告訴我,我問你,你告訴我為什麼我會擁有把自己消滅的念頭?對自己怨恨?我又是為什麼,持之以恆地,一次又一次地為別人送上噩夢?理由是什麼?27Please respect copyright.PENANAqP6po88CiQ
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看呀,你根本什麼也不懂
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和我?女孩和我一起生活?你說
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你這還真是斗膽的一言呢,我說
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這樣的我?腦袋不正常的自己?
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這樣深陷業火裏頭的自己,那來的資格?好歹我也清楚自己是怎麼回事,好歹我也知道我已經再也沒有為他人送上祝福、美夢,賜予安寧、幸福的能力
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因為我早就瘋了,不對嗎?那有正常人會一直思考着謀殺,怎會有?你要知道,想傷害別人,強烈得要之死亡,令一個人失去了所有,奪走生命,使之成為過去式,迫使一個人不再是人,是那麼病態的想法
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你才不懂27Please respect copyright.PENANANdWbDUGaVw
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要不然,你也不會萌生那恐怖又噁心的念頭,我又想問說,問那種念頭能夠出產的理由究竟是因為無知?還是因為蠢?是不經大腦,抑或是你的思維和我一樣壞掉了?
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你看不到嗎?我的情況沒有什麼退路可言,一不做二不休,我要是後悔的話,我早就把自己的頭放在油壓機下了
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當然,可以,沒問題,你可以說,這一次,導致女孩失去親人的人不是我,不關我事,我只是個思想犯,但也僅限這一次
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對照實驗的外部效度不高的原因,是因為在真正的世界裏,每一件事,每個選擇都建基於無數個其他曾經的抉擇前提之上,世界由形形式式、各種各樣的連串因果構成的,而沒法獨立事件地審判所有事情
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比如說,一個人殺了另一個人,你、人們會說作為凶手的他有罪,卻把時間點往前推,發現是自衞殺人時,同一個人卻是無罪
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確實,那個「無盡回溯愕論」存在,若然你過度分析、推斷的話,你會自作聰明地問:
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「然後羣眾發現了本來死者也預備謀殺凶手,然後人們發現凶手在之前便有嘗試傷害死者的意圖」
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那麼用這個邏輯,莫非一切罪犯也無罪了?因為他們的惡行乃是人類的「原罪」導致
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你是在反對自由意識嗎?那麼,一切早是絕對的前提下,你為什麼還對你的人生前途感到迷惘?
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坦白說,你無法否認人類的心智接受不了那種想法
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我說,我又怎可以重新開始?
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我更無法容忍自己放下這一切27Please respect copyright.PENANAO3yWeBO6NX
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在這之前,我的其他受害者呢?27Please respect copyright.PENANAddlBLrHlMV
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其他人呢?過去無數個的家庭又如何?誰來拯救他們?
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我擔當不起做大家的救世主27Please respect copyright.PENANAuYojw8tJOT
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倒是27Please respect copyright.PENANA5wiWKGRH6x
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我可以當大家的「代罪羔羊」27Please respect copyright.PENANA1NXPHloywG
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「⋯⋯男孩最後⋯」27Please respect copyright.PENANANq4GBy1iel
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「孤零零一人」
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「⋯⋯」
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再不是的話,我還有另一出路
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如果在這裏
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現在,在這裏
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就這麼⋯了結她的話27Please respect copyright.PENANAbYfwf7tfbx
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殺了她,貫徹始終也沒有「的話」了27Please respect copyright.PENANAF5UHs87ZrP
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這樣就是正解——27Please respect copyright.PENANAvCIBGxjG9z
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嗎?27Please respect copyright.PENANAjlzf3BxUjS
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「吶⋯姐姐」
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雙手打算碰上肌膚之際,說話了
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此時,提線娃娃張開了雙眼,弱小的光澤如其靈魂,竟敢直望翡翠綠,看破了躲在自然之母後面,那葉綠的脆弱
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害怕的人,是心術不正的那方
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「姐姐要離開了嘛?」
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聽着面前的這具肉體,發出聲音溝通,怪物先是感到噁心,然後是一股酸感,由頸後的脊棘突,突起骨頭那處,燒下去,使四肢忽冷忽熱,像身體不屬於自己一樣
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或是說,身體在排斥自己,擁有這個意圖的自己
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不是內疚,而是極度的自我厭惡
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為了掩蓋原先的意圖,它改正了手的移動方向,把手伸向幼兒的頭,撫摸重要的頭部,安慰着這塊令人不安的肉團,心臟還在動的生命體
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「⋯對喔」27Please respect copyright.PENANAAOu54vC0XT
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「那麼—— 再見!晚安!」27Please respect copyright.PENANAdIvPJ5Iheq
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「真是的⋯剛剛不是睡着了嗎?」27Please respect copyright.PENANAuFAh0i949P
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女孩純真的笑容,刺進自己
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「裝睡的⋯嘿嘿!」
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「真是的⋯再不睡,我生氣了喔!」27Please respect copyright.PENANA2WNo1up6Po
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「好啦,快去睡」
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「嗯!」
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「OO我睡了喔」27Please respect copyright.PENANAFx2kbU2lfZ
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「快睡覺」27Please respect copyright.PENANA7RO3XtqdN3
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爱麗絲的聲量蓋過她的聲線,好使自己聽不到,聽不到名為夢理的女孩她在說什麼27Please respect copyright.PENANAbJyfF5ccvf
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「晚安」27Please respect copyright.PENANA2o5VfrcGbz
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「晚安姐姐」
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「謝謝姐姐給我讀故事」
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「嗯」27Please respect copyright.PENANAdsHeAaMvEc
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少女姿態的怪物便從房間走出去,忍着痛
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一旦走出房間,架勢全部瞬間崩潰27Please respect copyright.PENANAom6srpxoRQ
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「今後要平安快樂喔」27Please respect copyright.PENANAcgrEuEK7n9
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人偶自言自語道,顫抖的指頭輕輕從門把上滑走,生怕破壞門把的樣子,如同是在放下珍貴的水晶擺設,小心翼翼,生怕小尾指一個不小心便會打碎寶貴的存在
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倒是,即使是對她那半清半醒的大腦而言,所謂「矇蓋事實」的障礙物,站在現實和眼睛之間的,只是一片玻璃,透明的謊言
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那是連孩子也能指出問題所在的歪理27Please respect copyright.PENANAGqHQkMSWM7
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這個小孩子根本不可能平安快樂,今後不能,畢竟等待着之的未來,是無親無故的孤獨27Please respect copyright.PENANA1zXnchUPvo
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提線娃娃不能自立維生27Please respect copyright.PENANAb8bdvPyrgW
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縱使人偶也意識到這件事,唯獨在那個不存在的「心」裏,堅信著自己的行為無誤27Please respect copyright.PENANAa7OkW1L1vW
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諷刺的是,「伽藍堂」—— 空虛的心靈,所相信著的道理,其實又不完全是歪理:
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「至少,對受害者而言,有一個可以責怪的存在」27Please respect copyright.PENANA6OcFWZsRxf
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名為「爱麗絲」的存在27Please respect copyright.PENANAzk3MLvDbUc
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這是她幸福的哲學:
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可遷就的痛楚27Please respect copyright.PENANAfsuRWVld5j
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爱麗絲盯着木門,一動不動27Please respect copyright.PENANAuIC6UT1MzE
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此刻,人偶的頭殼裏裝了什麼?它或許在想:如果可以的話,它甚至想捏住自己的心臟,讓一切停下來,完全靜止
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儘管這一次,責任不在自己身上也好
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只不過,只不過在無數次的以前,那些曾經所踏入的地方,對別人而言是家的地方,人偶,爱麗絲它,摧毀了無數個
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它有罪,少女確實有罪27Please respect copyright.PENANAGHd8VSaYqz
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因此她既無法得到幸福27Please respect copyright.PENANAMFtVgIEFic
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亦無法給予別人幸福
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「還有⋯不要再見了呢」27Please respect copyright.PENANAUMUWQwe5JH
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「永遠不要再見」27Please respect copyright.PENANAGVTuDY3OLN
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她就是不幸的代名詞27Please respect copyright.PENANA8LyshD4Kst
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「永遠不見」27Please respect copyright.PENANAsbGcG69Q0f
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人偶的眼睛作痛,隱隱作痛,還有自己的口腔,預備大喊大叫的嘴形,聲音卻出不了來
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她希望大叫,發洩,但她不能
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她不值,她不配27Please respect copyright.PENANAb82RvLJvZ7
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她要吞下去,情感又好,責任又好27Please respect copyright.PENANA0M3KvtHxRc
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直至永遠
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「對不起」27Please respect copyright.PENANAdUUeUZej1N
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這是,爱麗絲的序章27Please respect copyright.PENANAM1vFSmYyXY
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