I tried to follow Evan’s advice to squash any feelings I had for you. This was easier said than done.
“She’s hurting you,” he said. “And I don’t like seeing my friends in pain.”
“Cover your eyes,” I suggested. “Then you wouldn’t have to see a thing at all.”
He didn’t appreciate my sharp wit, but I promised him I would try. Even though my date with Ariel ended up going nowhere, I realized that I was attractive to other girls, something I previously thought impossible.
Evan attempted to find other options for me. On my behalf, he asked out a handful of fair-haired girls. Most of them assumed he was propositioning for himself so they were confused when I entered the picture. None of them said yes once they saw what I looked like.
“Blonde” wasn’t what I had meant when I told him I liked a different type of girl.
I grew desperate. I even hoped Ariel would change her mind and ask me out on a second date. But lightning doesn't strike twice. Her gold hoops and white teeth were a world away.
If I had the future in my palms, I would have felt less anxious. But I became obsessed with the idea of love and felt I had to have it no matter the cost.
“It won’t be the end of the world if you don’t find a girlfriend,” Evan said. “There’s always college. And if you’re worried about prom, we could go as each other’s dates.”
He grabbed my hand and squeezed it as if to say I won’t leave you alone.
If I could like boys, maybe I would have started to develop feelings for him. Instead I buried my head into his shoulders, tormented by how lonely I was.
Life was empty without you. While I had Evan, he could never replace what you were to me. Not even Ariel could have filled that deep hole if she gave me the chance to love her.
So the last place I expected to find you was in my bed. Swim tryouts were over. I knew I was never going to see you again because of what you told me. When you said something, you typically meant it. And by typically, I mean always.
In the face of your brutal honesty, I realized I needed to start thinking about my future.
I didn’t have the slightest idea about what I was going to be, much less what college I wanted to go to. It was the sort of problem that came up because I was the kind of person who thought they weren’t going to live very long. Every day on the calendar felt like a countdown, the slow tick of my life’s clock to my inevitable end.
I wasn’t particularly talented at anything or exceedingly proficient with any of the subjects at school. My grades were average and I had no passions that I leaned toward. The past sixteen years of my life were pointless and my inner compass spun with wild abandon, going nowhere and everywhere at once.
And yet, you were in my bed despite my worthlessness. What happened to your pristine track record for keeping promises?
“You shouldn’t be here,” I said, even though I never wanted you to leave.
“I know.”
“So why–”
“Because I belong with you, not him.”
It was exactly what I wanted to hear which meant it was too good to be true.
“Why are you telling me this? He dumped you, didn’t he?” That was a low blow, but I was sick of being sidelined.
“No,” you said, unfazed. “I’m going to dump him. Harry and I don’t belong together. I’ve known it for a while and I think he does too even if it’ll take him longer to realize it.”
“That had nothing to do with me.” There it was, all of the ice you gave me over the past several months.
“It has everything to do with you. I can’t stop thinking about you, about us. I’ve tried to ignore these feelings and enjoy being with him, but I can’t. My heart was never in it.”
Your eyes shone fervently, blue as a clear sky. In the lamplight, your hair reminded me of lightbulb filaments glowing inside glass covers. How you managed to be radiant even when you were distressed never ceased to amaze me.
“You were going to marry him,” I reminded her. “Go to college together. Have two and a half kids. Raise them in a quiet suburb.”
“I lied, in case you haven’t noticed.”
It was unlike you to be sarcastic, but I found it attractive despite the situation. Did I do this to you?
“I wanted to do those things with you. I know it’s wrong and sinful to have these desires, but I don’t care if I burn in hell for loving you. I’m only sorry that I’ve hurt you these past months.”
And you were going to hurt me again if I let you continue like this. I was certain of it. You made me vulnerable and sensitive. Who was to say that you wouldn’t deprive me of your light again and abandon me to my inner darkness?
But you dangled something in front of me that I never thought I could have. There, glowing in the middle of your palms, was a future with you. Forever, according to the definitions in the teenage girl world.
All of those feelings I tried to suppress came rushing back. Tears welled in my eyes. I turned away, embarrassed by the weight of my emotions.
Because you did hurt me. And I still loved you.
I crouched under my desk, overwhelmed by everything. I was feeling too much and my body couldn’t hold it all together. Quiet sobs sputtered from my mouth. I rocked back and forth, the very portrait of a mental asylum patient.
You held me as I cried. It was your way of putting together the pieces you shattered. Soon your tears joined mine in twin rivers of sorrow.
What hurt me, hurt you. We were one heart despite our time apart.
That was the strangest thing about love. Despite the bitterness I felt, I was still connected to you.
We settled into our old night routine. This time we traded roles, with my head on your shoulder and your eyes raised to the ceiling.
A movie played on my computer screen. I remembered nothing of the film except the bright colors, my eyes tracking the changes from dark red lights to saturated purples. It might have made you cry again, but that didn’t make sense to me. I dismissed it as my mind playing tricks on me, too soggy from the earlier onslaught of my emotions.
I didn’t remember falling asleep, but when I woke up, you were still in my bed. A turtle dove cooed outside my window. Your gold hair glimmered, catching bits of the early morning light.
It was weird watching you sleep. You must have done this a dozen times when you snuck out of my room, glimpsing my slumbering form before climbing out my window. But this was a different level of intimacy for me, more revealing than your naked body.
I wasn’t supposed to see this. In the way that a knight might stumble on a sleeping princess or a poet may happen upon a bathing goddess, I felt as though I entered sacred territory.
Your eyes snapped open before I could ponder it further. Had I been allowed to think it through, I would have realized how afraid I was of being in love with you.
You kissed me, tasting of sugar and sleep. “I love you,” you said, like it was the easiest thing in the world.
“I love you too.” Because who wouldn’t feel this way about you?
My mother was confused to see the both of us leave my room. I explained that you slept over and watched her perform the mental calculus to figure out how that was possible if she never saw you enter through the front door. Thankfully, she asked no further questions, driving us to school in silence.
During lunch, you made a point of sitting next to me and ignored the way Harry glared at you from across the cafeteria. You broke up with him over text and he hated you for it. I suggested that you guys talk it out but you refused. According to you, it was a waste of time not to spend every second with the person you loved.
That was enough to silence any protest that crept up my throat.
Evan wasn’t happy with you at our table. My misery was fresh in his memory. Yet he knew better than to ruin the moment with you and prudently kept his mouth shut. My phone would buzz with his questions later.
But for now, while you held my hand and spent every breath whispering sweet nothings to me, all was right with the world.
18Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8fndWtDCMN
