“Give up. She won’t like you back. If she did, she would have dumped Harry.”
I winced. It was the truth, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
“She doesn’t hate me.” You might have after what I said to you, but he didn’t need to know that.
“But she won’t give him up for you. Especially with how her parents are.”
“She won’t leave me. Not if she can help it.” I knew your folks were strict, but I thought he was being ridiculous.
“They won’t let her see you if they knew how you felt,” he warned. “You wouldn’t want to get involved with that family.”
I thought about the screams I heard on the nights you came over. It was too late to be uninvolved. Your mother knew my name. I already saw the life-size figurine of Jesus Christ impaled on the cross in your living room.
“Her family doesn't have to know. Only she needs to see how I feel.”
Not that there could be a more obvious way to show you beyond the nights we spent together. But it was hardly appropriate that I make grand gestures of affection. I don’t know how your boyfriend would react to huge declarations of love, especially coming from me.
He looked at me sometimes, like he understood the way I stared at you. I didn’t know what you told him about me, but sometimes he would wave hello, friendlier than you were in those days. It was awkward, hating the boy who was nice to me. I truly picked the perfect guy for you to date.
In that sense, I was the architect of my own demise. I helped to set the couple up. You wouldn’t have known who Harry was if I never said his name.
“How long have you liked her?”
“Forever,” I said, unable to think of words more suited to my feelings.
“Even during that date?”
It felt like eons ago since Harry picked us up in his car for the movies.
“Especially during that date.”
I was being strangely honest with Evan. Over time, he became a friend I could trust. Or maybe I was just too used to his presence, in the way people associate a sense of ease with a tree they see everyday. He made me feel comfortable, which I needed.
He nodded sagely, falling into the role of armchair therapist. He was hearing a lot about my feelings, inadequacies, and hopes. I apologized countless times for unloading so much on him, but he assured me that he didn’t mind.
After all, what were friends for? His words, not mine.
“Was I there because she wanted to go on a double date with you?”
I searched his face for any sign of hurt but only found curiosity. I noticed, with relief, that whatever feelings he had for me before disappeared.
“Basically. She wanted me to give you a chance because she saw that you liked me.”
“But you don’t like boys.” There was a wry smile on his face.
“No. I don’t think I can like boys. It’s never been in me.”
“What about Charlie?”
“Who?”
“You know, that guy everyone liked in the fourth grade?”
A boy with brown hair and green eyes came to mind. “Ah. Him. I just said that because all of the girls had crushes on him.”
“Really?” A guilty expression crossed Evan’s face.
“Yes. Why?”
“No reason. You were saying that you can’t like boys.” He gestured for me to continue.
Why do I get the feeling that Evan did something terrible to him? I waved the thought away. Charlie moved to Oregon a few years ago so no one knew what he was like these days anyway. He was one of a few fake crushes I had made up to seem like a normal girl. I never thought anyone was truly listening when I said those boys’ names.
“I can’t like boys,” I agreed, echoing his statement. “But I realized that I could like girls.”
“At least we have that in common.”
Aside from our caffeine addiction and affinity for dark clothing, we did share that, although it could be said that meant I was like every heterosexual man.
“I think we like different types of girls.”
He raised his eyebrow, intrigued. “Is that so? You know, I also had a crush on Elle.”
“You’ve had a crush on any feminine looking thing that can walk.”
His face turned pink. “Look, I think I’ve narrowed it down to brunettes.”
I thought about his Chinese neighbor and the girls before that. There was me, Harmony from science class, and Viveca from art. Everyone of us had hair darker than the night. But so did he.
“Because brunettes remind you of your mom.”
His expression shifted to disgust. “Ugh, gross. You sound like Freud. I do not have an Oedipus complex.”
“There’s a pattern. You have to wonder why you keep liking the same girls.”
“Right, it’s not like dark hair is the most common hair color in the world or anything. That 80% statistic is irrelevant because I love my mommy in the wrong way.”
“Please never say mommy like that again.”
“You were the one who–”
“I’m sorry,” I surrendered. “I was wrong. So very wrong. You don’t have weird feelings for your mom. You just hate your dad.”
“That’s right. And don’t think I don’t see what you’re trying to do. This conversation is about you, not me. Your feelings.”
“You still have to give me my hoodie back,” I said, a last ditch attempt to change the topic. I had let him borrow it to cover an embarrassing stain last week.
“Only if you give up on your feelings for Elle. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”
I huffed in frustration. “And where is this sea of hot girls who also happen to like other girls?” Realistically, I was working with a puddle.
“Didn’t that girl ask you out?”
Ariel. I ended up going to the skate park to meet her at three like she asked. I remembered seeing her, gold hoops and white teeth flashing. She smelled like coconut and cinnamon. I assumed it was her body spray, but it turned out that she was baking in the morning.
“I want to open up my own shop someday,” she told me. She was a cute girl with a sweet dream.
We ended up spending the whole day together. I had the bruises and scrapes to prove it. While she impressed me with her skateboard tricks, I fell over the board countless times, wondering which move would land me in the hospital. When I emerged only slightly scathed, she took me to all sorts of places in town that I had never seen before.
We hiked up a cliff that had a magnificent view of our small town. I don’t remember climbing it, only talking with her endlessly as I breathed hard from the exertion and a clearing suddenly coming into view.
When we got settled, she lit a blunt. “Do you mind?” The familiar smell of weed mixed with a sweet herb I couldn’t place floated over.
“Not at all.” I watched as she inhaled the smoke, a sense of peace coming over her body.
We sat like that for a while under the enormous blue sky. I stared at the trees, took a hit of her blunt despite never smoking before, and relaxed into nature.
The munchies inevitably hit, but Ariel came prepared. She brought a mix of baked goods from the morning and chips from the convenience store. We ate, chatting about nothing in particular as the sun set over the mountains.
She glowed under the orange rays. I found myself wondering again if I could love her. She was easy to be around. I imagined that her lips would taste good if we ever kissed.
We headed down the cliff to another spot she knew, this time an abandoned house close to a nearby lake. We crept in through the back door, the lock hanging off the side of the wood. She struck a match and the warm smell of vanilla wafted from large white candles.
There were blankets and pillows on the floor and a spray of graffiti on the walls. She nestled in the bedding, inviting me to join her.
“Do you live here?” I worried about how settled she was into the place.
“No. Sometimes I wish I did. I just like to be here when I want to get away.”
We cuddled for the rest of the night. I closed my eyes, making up my mind to ask her out when we woke up.
But when the sun crept through the boarded windows, she was gone. She left a note in the blankets, telling me she had a good time and apologizing for leading me on. As it turned out, she wasn’t over her ex.
I faced Evan and remembered how rough that note felt in my hands. It was ironic how Ariel and I were more similar than I thought.
If only our hearts didn’t belong to other people, maybe it would have worked out. I confess, even though the date went great, I ended up thinking of you the whole time, in between the trees and the candle smoke.
“We didn’t have chemistry.” I left it at that.
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