I have found out the real purpose I will be using this journal for. I know I have not written in it for 6 months, but I want to document this. My dad's legacy.
He died in a freak car accident three days ago. The police have not found the body yet. The story goes, he was trying to overtake some truck when suddenly, the driver decided to take a badly timed turn and the car went flying off the road. That's what the security cameras on the road say.
Mom did not press charges against the truck driver; it was an accident, and both parties made their fair share of mistakes.
I have never felt this kind of sadness before, but I did not cry. People said I was weird for not crying, but somehow I did not. I am looking at my sister as I write, on the phone with her friend. I can hear every word they say - her phone's speaker is pretty loud.
"I don't know... what now, Oxidane? I... you... I don't know." Zinnia said, voice muffled by her tears.
Oxidane knows the feeling quite well. Her dad died when she was only six years old. "It's pointless to say 'I'm sorry' or 'you'll get over it'. I know the feeling, and if you're willing, feel free to talk about it."
"I still don't know how you do it," my sister wiped a tear. "You lost them both. Your twin brother, Helios too. I don't know how you are so chill with it all."
Oxidane's voice softens. "It's not about being chill with it, Zinnia. It's about finding a way to live with the pain. Helios... he was taken to your dad's lab when we were twelve. They said it was to protect him because he's radioactive. I haven't seen him since."
I pause my writing, my mind racing. I knew my sister's friend had a dead sibling, but Helios is alive? This is news to me. I glance at Zinnia, who is now sitting on the edge of her bed, clutching her phone like a lifeline.
"That must have been so hard," Zinnia whispers. "Not knowing where he is, if he's okay."
"It is," Oxidane admits. "But I have to believe he's safe, that they're taking care of him. It's the only way I can cope."
Zinnia sniffles, wiping her eyes. "I wish I could be as strong as you, Oxidane. I feel so lost without Dad."
"It's okay to feel lost," Oxidane reassures her. "Grief is a journey, and it's different for everyone. Just take it one day at a time. And remember, you don't have to go through it alone."
Zinnia nods, her tears slowing. "Thanks, Oxidane. It helps to talk about it. I sometimes wish..." she begins, but then her eyes meet mine for a second. "Never mind..."
"What is it?"
Her volume was low, and her expression nervous. "My sister doesn't relate, apparently. She hasn't actually cried once. Does she not feel sad or something?"
I keep my face impassive, my voice steady. “It’s not that I don’t feel sad, Zinnia. I just process things differently. Crying doesn’t come naturally to me.”
Oxidane’s voice is gentle. “Everyone grieves in their own way, Zinnia. Just because Aura doesn’t cry doesn’t mean she isn’t hurting.”
Zinnia looks at me, her eyes searching for something. “I guess… I just wish I could see it. It feels like I’m alone in this.”
I reach out and place a hand on her shoulder, my touch firm but not overly emotional. “You’re not alone. I’m here, even if I don’t show it the same way you do. So is she,” I glance to the phone.
She nods slowly, a small sigh escaping her lips. “Okay. Thanks, Aura.”
"Wait - does she snoop in on all our conversations?" comes the phone voice. "I think we should switch to text then. See you there," Then Oxidane promptly hung up the phone. Only those two know what happened next, assuming 'end-to-end encryption' really keeps the texts perfectly safe.
I rolled my eyes and returned to the journal to ink all this down.
ns 15.158.61.20da2
