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There's something shifting
I feel the need to keep the clothes of the ottoman, or keep the floors of my room clean- not that I used to- dissipating.
I am coming to terms with a reality where my room once again is my own till a good amount of time.
You see I'm learning something new. I'm learning the best way to be there for someone at times is to not be there at all. That there are some griefs I cannot share with them. Some burdens, although heavy to carry, must be carried alone. And the thought of them changing, them falling apart so heavily- I am too afraid to see them.
What if, when they do finally are able to stand up, they have grown to big for me. What if they see how much more bigger the world is and want to explore it?
Is it selfish of me to hope they see that sometimes, the world although so big may not want to be explored? That sometimes there are worlds behind the four walls of each room in a home no matter how big or small?
But what if they realize, the room that I am in is too cramped.
My friend is grieving, and I am not sure how to help them. They smile but when I look away they hide sniffles. They keep the night within their room and daylight out, where it knocks and knocks at bolted doors,
In this night, they hold letters and metal trunks, spilling out stories of the past and rusty trinkets as they have elders tell them stories of a past they knew existed but never heard of.
But then there it is. Right there siting amongst them.
Their grief.
It is too scary for me. I cannot bring myself to see them because what they feel is too raw and too real. It isn't like the grief you see on screens and read in books. There is no wailing or screaming or crying or fainting as it settles in, but a cold realization that apart of them is no longer there and nothing in the world will ever fill it. The feeling of emptiness at dinner tables and in-between laughs where the eyes glaze over and the ceiling seems to speak to you.
It scares me as it is the kind of grief no matter how much I make them laugh, will never disappear.
I cannot take it away from them. But then again, their grief is not mine to take no matter how much I'd wish to.
So I sit there and pretend to not notice when they don't wish to be. I stand behind them as they duck their head and pray they feel the warmth I wish to give them.
My friend, whom I love so very much. I hope when you reach the other side of this tunnel. You remember me and keep me in your pocket as you continue.
My friend whom I love so very much. I hope you never have to regret anything you ever told me.
My friend whom I love so very much. I hope you know I wish to soak all the anger in you, so please never feel the need to hold your words.
My friend whom I love so very much. I hope you know I'm brushing your favorite cats hair everyday.
Yesterday, I saw him in his spot, curled up in a small ball of black and white fur. But I noticed he sat on the jacket that smelt like you. He misses you dearly.
My friend whom I love so very much. I hope you know when you're ready, I'd like to bake that bread with you no matter how many times you want me to.
My friend whom I love so very much, I hope my letter reaches you, and my words bring you warmth.
My friend whom I love so very much. I'm afraid of how you are so different now but I hope you will choose to not leave me behind once you find who you are now.
I hope one day, we can learn a song and sing it in harmony and you can scold me for messing up the notes, and I can repeat them till we sound absolutely perfect.
My friend whom I love so very much. I hope you know you are my absolute favorite.
My friend whom I love very much, I am grieving the person you used to be and yet I feel oddly proud as I find comfort knowing you'll come back stronger.
My friend whom I love so very much. I'll miss you. But I'm excited to see you soon.
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