to you.
i heard your god damn laugh before i even seen your face.
so simple, so quick, so fleeting with not a thought in our heads.
my boyfriend's brother.
everyone told me you had anger issues and were troublesome. i just thought you were misunderstood.
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you were 15, i was 18.
you were not my business. i was not yours.
we never gave each other a second thought until about 2 years later. i stayed with your brother and we moved in together. thats when my crush started. my sinful, gut wrenching crush.
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we would drink together, get high together, take cocaine together, at yours, at mine, at your friends, clubs, pubs, alleyways and underpasses. we were terrible and inseparable because we both were fucked in the head, we were both running from ourselves.
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you were this awesome brother figure in my life, you were cool and all the girls liked you. you were way out of my league. i was stupid. my feelings for you confused the fuck out of me. the drink and the drugs didn't help because thats when your little flirtations would happen. you would hold my waist, pick me up, dance with me, spin me, catch me, hold my hands, kiss my hands, stroke my neck, whisper in my ear and kiss my cheek. i thought i was going crazy. but other people seen it, other people thought you had a crush on me. i thought you might have liked me too. boy was i wrong.
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i liked you for 3 years. for the first year you were like cocaine to my heart. you made me all happy, giddy and crazy. then the guilt would hit me and i'd wanna kill myself because i am the worst person ever for having these feelings. the second year was the tough one, when we moved back to live with you. i just kept telling myself i'll eventually get over you, even though all i wanted to do was get on top of you. yes i'm fucked in the head. i know. the third year was a little easier, i counted your flaws hoping that would make me dislike you. because hating you would be easier than loving you. i tried to convince myself my feelings were gone but deep down i still loved your flaws.
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my son, your nephew came along, and i battled on. my feelings for you hurt me. i felt loss. but that was nothing compared to now.
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what happened recently, brought back those feelings like ghosts, haunting me. you don't remember anything because of the drugs. but all those tiny little moments that gave me butterflies, the sweet things you did, you kept me alive, literally. i now know it was meaningless to you. because you don't remember. and once again i was confused. but you made it crystal clear you have no feelings and it meant nothing. now everything's dead and i'm mourning. how can my heart break for something that wasn't real? all in my head.
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my feelings for you had a life, they were alive, they grew and grew, then they died.
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that doesn't mean their gone.
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