The downpour tried to drown me as I walk aimlessly towards my dorm room. The wild wind dispers the droplets everywhere, blurring my sight, biting on any flesh exposed.
Perhaps it it a sign. Perhaps the sky roared at me to think again when thunder broke through black clouds. Perhaps the lightening ia trying to shed the light into my mind and allow me to think clearly.
Staring back at the maddening sky I squint against the rain that attacka my eyes, hoping that perhaps the answer to the turmoil inside my heart lays somewhere within the one on the sky.
Not even the constant thud of rain, moaning of the wind nor the slow pulsing in my ears manage to drive my attention off of the footsteps that were clearly following me.
Before I could think it through, I turnabruptly making the one that was following me stop in their tracks.
"I should have known," I roll my eyes tiredly, resuming my journey back home. "Stop following me."
''Stop Lex, just stop.'' He shouts, and in a moment his was in front of me, blocking my path. He struggles with the umbrella, his hands shaking. At much closer inspection, I notice his entire body is shaking, the flimsy denim jacket powerless against the weather.
The rain is fighting against him, splattering his hair all over his forehead. His eyes are red, he sniffs several times, as if he has a cold, or... Finn curses under his breath.
Unable to stand his fiddling with that damned umbrella, I rip it out of his shivering hands, open it and hand him back. It is ridiculously red.
''I might have... stolen it from the bar.'' He says, smiling boyishly, leans the umbrella on his shoulder and steps towards me.
On instinct, I take a step back, and his half smile disappears instantly.
Finn looks at the ground, letting out a sigh so heavy as if the entire weight of the world sits on his shoulders. They too, are slouched, shivering.
''Come on, Lex, wasn't it enough? These... games of-of pride and spite, jealousy and revenge. Just one chance Lex, that's what I ask of you. A chance to redeem myself, to show you how much I regret leaving you like that, how I would rather die that repeat it again. I've learned my lesson... paid for everything. I've suffered more-''
A snort escaps me. ''You've suffered? That's rich!''
''You think this whole ordeal made me happy?'' His tone raises, on the brink of shouting, stormy eyes set on mine.
''That ''whole ordeal'' is your doing, Finn. You suffering is your own choice, but you've broken my heart on purpose. How dare you imply I must care about your suffering or your happiness? How dare you hurt me so badly then stand here demanding I acknowledge your pain.''
Tears bite on my eyes, and I cast my head downcast, blinking rapidly against them. My dorm room is just there, no more than hundred steps away, I just need to hold on for that long.
I take a step around him, but he matches it. "Finn, If you don't move out of my way, I swear I will hit you.''
"Then hit me; punch me, kick me! Scream at me, tell me how much of a fucking bastard I am! Just get this out of your system. This isn't healthy!'
"Healthy? You are worrying about my health now?" The laughter that bursts out of my mouth is so dry it could sand stones. It is cynical, manic; psychotic. "You destroyed me when you left, Finn. Was I just a game for you? Give the girl everything, only to pull the fucking rug under her feet and watch her crumble?"
Finn's eyes shine with fire, my every word adding on its intensity. His jaw clenched, lips nothing but a tight line. His eyebrows knitt together, enhancing his furious expression, eyes narrow. We star at it each for a long time, leading a hushed battle with our eyes. My body begs for me to rest a bit, yet my heart beats with a ferocity of a wild animal.
"You can say anything you want about me, Lexi," Finn starts. His voice steady, it holds an eerie note in it. I know that tone, sharp like a butchers knife and lethal as a bullet. "You can call me fucking names, curse me to the hell and back. It doesn't matter, I already know what a fucking idiot I am. But don't you dare imply that I never cared for you. Don't you dare say that I only played with you."
The gravity in his tone is meant to erase all the doubt, but I no longer care about words. Had they been said more than a year ago, I would have believed every single letter. Back then, I had been waiting. For a call, an explanation; something that would have brought us together.
Regardless of the fact I despise it, a part of me still waits, a part still longs for reasons. And that iss wrong and stupid by every coherent law of my mind. But my God, is it right by my heart's.
My heart shivers in my chest as the words formulate in my head, and I hesitate. Before I can control myself, the words had already left me,
"Why did you came back?"
He stops, thinking. And I wait. His gaze never wavers, settled sharply on my own; though there is a shadow clouding them. Is he remembering something, or simply forming an answer, I'm not sure, but I wait. Until he smiles a sad, painful smile.
"Because I'm a selfish bastard. Because I needed to see you again, to make sure you're happy without me."
"I am."
As soon as the last letter rolls out of mouth as a spiteful remark, I know very well it's falseness. So does he, for his smile deepens, the same clown smile acquires an intensity that blows my mind, my resolve. Finn always knows.
"You aren't."
Sadness sinks me, breath caught in my throat as if I was suffocating. ''Finn...''
So many thoughts run amok in my mind, clashing swords with one another, so loud and colossus like, yet excruciatingly beyond my grasp. A part of me wants to hurt him, break him the way he broke me, yet something on his face stops me.
His breathing is so calm - almost nonexistent - like he's preparing himself for the blow. He never looked so fragile before, like just a wrong blow of wind would crumble the fortress of apparent happiness he build around him, and I just can't hurt him.
Then my eyes slips to his shivering mouth, the way rain dies on those red lips, and the memory of their taste fills me. Shaking my head, I step by him once again, needing to get away or else my heart would take over.
He catches me by my upper arm, pulling me flush against him.
My eyes travel to his once again, only to find that his stormy ones already found them. Butterflies dance in my stomach as I stare into his beautiful face, soft hints of happiness displayed before me: from few crinkles around his eyes, to the hint of the smile that lingers on his full lips. His gaze was so intense and magnificent it lifts me upwards, beyond dark clouds, all the way to the Sun, there before that blazing ball of fire, leaving me in the sweet misery.
My heart wants to admit that those butterflies never abandoned their place in my stomach when it comes to him, and yet everything abuout him reminds me about the way he'd hurt me.
But before the internal debate between my heart and brain has time to settle down, Finn is approaching. His eyes flicker from my lips to my eyes, his head advancing ever so slowly towards my own as if he is silently asking me for permission.
He must have taken my paralyzed state and silence as a positive answer, for I notice his lips stretching into small smile before I feel it against my own. And when our mouths collide, it is like tsunami and tornado join their forces together, dancing in pair and wrecking havoc with their hurried routine.
But God, what a lovely havoc it is. He kisses me with so much fervor that my breath gets knocked out of my lungs, and when I gasp in need of oxygen he used it and slip his tongue to taste my own. The greedy way his tongue fights with mine was overwhelming.
My hands fly to his hair and he mimicks my action, and I almost moan when he pulled my hair a little. Perhaps I did, judging by the way he groans underneath my lips and rushes his hands all over my body.
It is as we had been stranded in a dessert for long time and have finally stumbled upon an oasis. The need and greed with which we kiss each other is like one of a dehydrated man on a brink of death, eager to taste a single drop of water.
His mouth leave my lips and travel towards my neck, leaving burning traces of fire on his way and I roll my head back in ecstasy. He murmurs something against my skin, his lips vibrat on my neck but I'm not able to understand anything until he softly whispers into my ear,
"I missed you," he pauses, capturing my earlobe in between his teeth. This time, I moan out loud. "God, Lex I missed you so fucking much."
I missed him too, so so much. Words can't explain the aching I felt these year and a half, the yearning that grew inside of me like a volcano. Like screaming, but no sound is coming from my mouth, it's as if I'm standing on top of the cliff unsure of what I'm supposed to do or want.
But as he crushes his lips against my own again, I instantly know. It is him I always wanted, him that can put me through the roller coaster of feeling, and finally free I'm free. He liberats me, gives sound to my screaming and pushes me from the cliff only after he gave me wings.
"I'm so sorry, baby," his murmures, "I'm so sorry for everything."
The last graspable thought in my mind is that he was right. Enough of games, of spite, pride, revenge. Enough of resentment, the pain, everything we did to each other.
Yes, Finn has broken me.
Yet, he is the only one who can glue the pieces back together.
ns 15.158.61.51da2
