I walked the streets for hours after sunset. It was well past midnight and the temperature had gone down again. I couldn't feel my toes, yet I was thankful it didn't snow.
I really have to find a place to stay for the night.
I rubbed my numb hands together and tried to breathe on them. I no longer tried to get feeling back into them; now I was just trying to avoid getting frostbitten.
You deserve this.
I closed my eyes against the tears.
"Hey!"
I froze, then started walking faster.
Stranger. Run.
"Hey, wait!"
I didn't turn around.
"Caroline Rosewood, slow your little ass down right now!"
I stopped and finally turned around, realizing the voice sounded familiar.
Jasper was jogging towards me, frowning. I could barely see his face in the darkness, but the streetlamps made his blond hair and green eyes practically glow.
He slowed to a walk a few feet away. "What the hell are you doing walking around in the cold after midnight?" He asked as he approached me. I shrugged.
He took a step closer, quickly removing his mittens before handing them to me. After he insisted, I grabbed them and slid them on slowly, my frozen fingers making it harder than it had to be.
"Are you lost?"
I shook my head.
"Then why are you out here? It's 20 below!"
I looked away, shrugging again.
He scratched the back of his head, looking down then back up at me again. "Do you need somewhere to stay?"
I looked down and shook my head, but barely moved it. I wanted so badly to say yes, to agree, to beg, even. But I couldn't.
And I was aching for him to see through my lies.
He said my name softly, making me look back up at him.
"Do you have anywhere to go?"
I slowly shook my head, a traitorous tear slipping from my eye.
"Caroline..." He murmured, looking at me with concern. My bottom lip quivered as a sob escaped my mouth before I could cover it with my hand. I took a step back, feeling way too vulnerable.
After about a minute, he spoke up. "Come on, we need to get you inside." He smiled down at me, calming me slightly.
Should I really follow him home? Is it safe?
I don't have much of a choice, now, do I?
And it's not like it matters what happens to me.
We headed towards his house, him making me follow him at a brisk pace as I stared at the mitts that were much too big for my hands.
Once at his two-story house, he picked up a thick, fluffy blanket off the back of a couch in what I assumed to be the living room before bringing me upstairs.
When we reached a door near the top of the staircase, he paused, then changed directions and started walking me towards the far end of the hallway.
He sighed a bit. "I doubt you'd be comfortable if I just brought you into my room, so I'll let you sleep in the guest room. It's not as crowded, and the bed is very comfortable, so don't worry."
I'm worrying less and less, my dear.
The walls of the room were a pretty lilac colour. To the far right corner, there was a twin-sized bed with soft purple sheets, adorned with fluffy pillows wrapped in dark purple pillowcases. Next to the bed was a small table with a lamp and digital clock that was plugged in but didn't light up. I presumed it didn't work.
Guest room? You sure?
What really caught my attention, and what surprised me that it wasn't the first thing I saw, was a grand dark brown piano in the far left corner, almost as big as the one at school. I gasped, causing Jasper to look up from the open drawer in the dark brown dresser to my right.
"What? What happened?" He followed my gaze towards the piano, then grinned. "You can play it, if you want. My dad isn't home."
I almost spoke. Almost.
Why isn't your dad home?
He made his way over to me with the blanket draped over his forearm. "Take your coat and boots off," he said, handing me a pair of fluffy white socks, "and put these on."
I nodded and did as told, balancing myself on one leg at a time. Once I was done, he gently wrapped the warm blanket around my shoulders.
"Do you want to play?" He asked, making my blood run cold.
"Do you want to play, little birdie?" All I could focus on was the pain in my scalp as he-
"Caroline?"
I startled, suddenly realizing he was pointing towards the piano. I nodded my head slowly.
"Only if you sing."
Fuck, Gorden told him.
I narrowed my eyes, knowing he wouldn't force me too, but grudgingly making my way to the piano nonetheless.
I didn't care. I needed to play. I needed to feel better.
"It's all yours," he said, before busying himself with cleaning the room. I was just grateful he didn't stand and stare.
I saw down at the wooden bench, hovering my fingers over the keys, the melody already in my mind.
My fingers started playing, and so did my voice.
I played with all the emotions I could. All the sorrow, disappointment, heartache, and despair. But most of all, I was trying to tell myself that I was perfect, just the way I was.
"Made a wrong turn, once or twice. Dug my way out, blood and fire. Bad decisions, that's alright. Welcome to my silly life..."
My fingers picked up the beat, playing alongside the rapid beat of my heart.
"Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood... Miss 'no way it's all good'. It didn't slow me down... Mistaken, always second-guessing, underestimated... Look, I'm still around."
The pitch of my voice rose, and I was screaming the lyrics, no longer caring who heard- all I cared about was that I was being listened to, even if only by myself.
"Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel, like you're less than fucking perfect..."
"Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel, like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect, to me..."
My shoulders slumped, and I had already forgotten I wasn't alone.
Or was it that I didn't care?
"You're so mean, when you talk... About yourself, you are wrong. Change the voices, in your head. Make them like you instead..."
I sang to myself. "So complicated. Look how big you'll make it. Filled with so much hatred, such a tired game..."
I squeezed my eyes shut. "It's enough! I've done all I can think of, chased down all my demons, I'll see you do the same, oh..."
I sang loud, expressing all my feelings, singing to myself, trying to convince myself that I'm perfect.
I sang the chorus again, then let my fingers sing the rapping part for me, since I hadn't memorized it yet. I simply hummed under my breath to the beat as my fingers flew over the keys.
I glanced to my left to see Jasper sitting next to me on the bench, making me blush and suddenly feel nervous, missing a couple of keys.
I skipped to the end, playing softly now, my fingers already aching for the last note.
"You are perfect, to me..."
I held the note for a few seconds, my eyes closed, my head tilted, a small smile on my face.
After a couple of seconds of catching my breath, Jasper stood up and held out his hand to help me get up. Once he did, he waited until I met his gaze before murmuring, "you should really go to bed now, we have school in the morning."
I nodded, slowly turning around and crawling into the bed.
I closed my eyes and curled into a ball with my back to him. Seconds later, I heard the door click shut behind him.
I had woken up thirty minutes ago, but I only now got the courage to go and wake Jasper up.
I was outside his door and I only hesitated a second before knocking.
A few seconds later, the door swung open and there he stood in grey sweatpants and a clearly-hastily thrown on a green t-shirt, barefoot and hair a complete mess.
Oh, hello...
He grunted what could barely pass as a hello before turning around and crawling back into bed, leaving the door open. I took it as an invitation to come in, and as I did, I noticed that almost everything was either light or navy blue, and looked surprisingly similar to the guest room, only packed with posters, clothes and music books.
The radio was on, playing pop songs that brought me back to a simpler time, and for once, I actually felt okay.
Apparently, all I needed was a night away from my mother.
Suddenly, a song started playing on the radio that I recognized. As it started, I slowly started looking through his bookshelf, humming the lyrics I remembered under my breath.
"When I get chills at night, I feel it deep inside, without you... Yeah, know how to satisfy, keeping that tempo right, without you..."
I started singing, only a bit louder than a whisper. "Pictures in my mind on replay. I'm gonna touch the pain away. I know how to scream my own name, scream my name..."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jasper looking at me, clearly assuming I had no idea what the lyrics meant.
Oh, sweetie...
I sang louder, a grin on my face, moving my hips from side to side. "I love me! Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else... Hey! Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else... I love me! Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else!"
I grinned, moving my body a bit more, dancing to the beat, knowing I probably looked ridiculous but not caring. "Anytime, day or night..."
I sang the chorus again, bouncing on the balls of my feet, getting lost in the music. The lyrics meant a lot to me. When it first came out, it was hard to listen to, but after a while, I realized it had really helped me through.
I sang more calmly, dancing in circles and swaying my hips from side to side, stretching my arms out and bowing my head, then lifting it up with a grin on my face. "I'll take it nice and slow, feeling good on my own, without you, yeah. Got me speaking in tongues, the beautiful, it comes, without you..."
I threw my arms in the air, jumping all over the place. Jasper was now sitting up against the wall, watching me with a lopsided grin on his face.
"I'm gonna put my body first, and love me so hard 'til it hurts. I know how to scream out the words, scream the words!"
I sang the chorus twice with the singer, feeling light as air, like nothing could bring me down.
The things that song does to me...
I looked over at Jasper and grinned back at him before I bounced over to the bed, gripped his hands, and pulled him out of bed and into the middle of the room.
His grin grew as he sang and jumped with me, his deep voice sinking in with my lighter one, making a perfect harmony.
"I know how to scream my own name, scream my name..."
We both started jumping more and dancing to the beat of the song, singing together, grinning from ear to ear, hand in hand. His flattened hair fell into his eyes, and I ached to push it back.
We sang the rest of the song, dancing around the whole room, even ending up on top of the bed, bouncing on it to the point where I thought it would break.
Once the song finished, we were both breathing hard, smiling into each others' eyes for a couple of minutes until our breaths became normal. He grinned, and almost breathed, "Lina..." I couldn't help but blush deeply.
I'm happy.
I looked down, biting my lip.
I'm not supposed to be happy. I don't deserve to be.
I looked back up at him, my doubt melting away, the smile coming back to my face.
Is he glancing at my lips?
As he started to lean in, I froze, and I forgot it was him.
"No..."
"Oh come on babe, it's just a kiss..."
"No!"
Jasper startled, taking a quick step back like he was shot, snapping me out of it.
My eyes watered as I took a step back too, whispering a quick 'sorry' before jumping off the bed and running into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
There was a knock on the door. "Caroline, are you okay?"
I cleared my throat quickly before responding. "Yeah, I'm just really shy! It just hit me that I sang in front of someone, that's all. I won't be too long."
I heard him murmur a hesitant, "okay..." before walking away.
I sighed in relief, staring at myself in the mirror. Everything inside me started expanding again, making it extremely hard to breathe, nevermind think clearly. I couldn't help but wish I had my blades with me.
I looked to my right to see a razor laying on top of the counter, almost glowing, calling out to me.
Razors can't cut that deep. I won't make a mess, I won't cut too deep, I'll hide my wrists, and he'll will never know...
I need it, it's okay, I won't cut too deep...
I didn't deserve to be happy anyway.
I took the razor in my hand and placed it over the inside of my wrist, halfway down my forearm. The veins popped, almost begging to be cut.
I slashed, and blood immediately pooled. I made sure my wrist was over the sink so that I didn't make a mess.
I hadn't cut deep enough to lose much blood, but it still hurt. I started to feel lightheaded, smiling a bit at the relief. Tears flooded my eyes and the simultaneous pain and relief swirled around me.
Then the relief left, leaving only the stinging pain and crimson liquid behind. I watched it drip into the sink, mesmerized and revolted at the same time.
After a couple of minutes, the blood stopped flowing, allowing me to rinse and clean the cuts and razor quickly, trying my best to ignore the guilt from having used his razor to do such a horrible thing.
I straightened out my clothes from last night, frowning at the wrinkles but ultimately not caring. I made sure to wrap my special bracelets around my wrist, wincing at the sting and covering them with the sleeve of my hoodie before triple-checking that I had left no mess behind.
Satisfied, I returned to Jasper's room with my school bag slung over my shoulder.
I shot him a tight-lipped smile, seeing as he was already dressed and ready to go. I nodded my head towards the bedroom door, telling him I was ready to leave.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
I nodded at his question, turned around and headed out the door, avoiding his eyes.
Once we started walking to school, I could tell he didn't believe me, with the excessive glances he kept shooting at me. Nonetheless, he didn't ask, and for that, I was grateful.
Sources used:
• Perfect by P!nk517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjItuHBDEx7
• Love Myself by Hailee Steinfield
