I really hadn't thought this through.
I had P.E. right now, and the coach was telling me to take off my bracelets.
Oh god.
I did as he said before taking a quick look at my wrist to see if they were noticeable at all.
They were.
Great.
I made it through class without anyone noticing my cuts.
As I headed through the hallways towards the changing rooms, I bumped into someone.
Please, oh please, don't let it be Aimée...
"Oh, hey, Caroline," Gorden greeted me, an easy-going grin on his face.
I looked to the left.
...And there was Aimée.
And Gorden's arm was wrapped around Aimée.
Well, that explains the beating.
As if you hadn't known.
Someplace deep inside you had assumed it was Jasper, didn't it?
As the voices in my mind started to bicker, I tried to focus on the couple before me.
Aimée was glaring at me, and Gorden was smiling.
I pressed my lips together and shoved past them, speed-walking to the changing rooms.
Once there, I changed from my workout clothes to jeans, a tank top and a hoodie, relieved to finally be back in clothes that made me feel comfortable. I put my bracelets in the front of my pocket, not really in need of them since the sleeves did the job for them, before making my way out of the empty changing rooms.
As I turned the corner, I saw Jasper leaning against my locker, looking around until his eyes locked on me.
I pulled at the sleeves of my hoodie as I approached him, suddenly paranoid that the new- and old- scars were visible.
"Hey, Caroline." Jake smiled at me as he backed away a step, letting me get to my locker. He seemed nervous for some reason.
I put in the code, opened the door, and stuffed my books inside, quickly shutting it afterward before I noticed the note that had fallen to the floor.
I smiled, bending down to pick it up. I looked up at Jasper and realized he was looking at it curiously, obviously having no idea as to what it was.
Aw, damn. If it's not him, who is it?
"Hey, um," Jasper started, bringing his hand up to the back of his neck. "I was wondering if, um, you maybe... Wanted to join me for lunch? In the cafeteria?"
I paled at the idea.
I can't, I'm sorry, I have some... Homework? To do?
Oh, it's just that my grandmother died recently, and she loved food... So it reminds me of her?
There are aliens! In the cafeteria! So you probably don't want to go in there...?
I hesitated, and when Jasper's smile dropped, I couldn't control what came out of my mouth.
"Sure"
What!?
His expression immediately brightened like a kid in a candy factory.
Fuck me.
How frisky!
But how can he be so happy when I'm so sad?
That's because he doesn't know.
Maybe I should te-
NO! You do not want anyone looking into what happens at home. Sure, everyone has their assumptions, but that's good. At least mom won't punish us.
She's already punishing us.
While I was bickering with myself, Jasper had grabbed my hand and was now pulling me towards the cafeteria and wonderful smell of food.
Maybe we can be friends.
Don't you remember? You're not allowed to have friends. Friends ask where you live. Friends as to visit. Friends ask about parents, about your past, and most importantly, friends ask why you don't eat! And why you cut yourself!
Fine. No friends then.
I sighed, looking around to notice we were already in the cafeteria: the place I had been avoiding for years.
The smell of pizza was overwhelming, but relieving at the same time, causing my stomach to rumble. The smells were revolting but so delicious...
Good God.
Jasper and I were walking side by side, hand in hand. He walked us over to the line of students in front of the counter where we get the food before turning to me.
"You hungry?" He asked me. I shook my head, but he only narrowed his eyes.
"Then how come your stomach sounded like a dying whale mere moments ago?" He watched me suspiciously as I wracked my brain for an excuse.
I grabbed the fabric inside my jean pockets and turned them inside out.
He shrugged. "I'll pay, Caroline, don't worry." He smiled at me, turning back around, but I caught his shoulder to stop him. When I had his attention, I placed the back of my hand against my forehead.
"You're... Sick?" He asked incredulously.
At my nod, he continued. "You don't seem sick."
I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for the embarrassment.
I placed my hand over my stomach and tightened my abdominal muscles, twisting my face like I was in pain. "You... have cramps?" He asked, now exasperated. At my nod, he sighed. "I don't believe you, since I'm not stupid, but since you're so persistent on not eating right now, I'll let it go... But can you eat something? Like, an apple, maybe?"
I heard my mother's voice like she was in the room with us.
"And don't even think about eating anything tomorrow, either!"
Tears welled in my eyes, but I blinked them away quickly, though not quickly enough to stop Jasper from seeing.
He reached out towards me but I took a step back, shaking my head. His hand fell to his side, but the worry on his face stayed.
You don't deserve his worry.
You don't deserve his pity.
You don't deserve a frien-
No!
I swallowed audibly, surprising both Jasper and I when I opened my mouth and spoke.
"Yeah, I could use an apple."
And his smile was all I could see.
After school, I was heading home to find my mother's car in the driveway.
She knows.
I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.
I sighed before walking in, not in the mood for being yelled at.
"Caroline, come here!"
Sigh.
I walked into the living room where she was standing, back straight, hands folded in front of her. She wore her usual white blouse and black pencil skirt, her hair in a tight bun on her head.
"I am going to the mall, and you are coming with me. Now, get dressed into something appropriate."
I nodded and did as told. I didn't dare ask why.
weightAt the mall, we walked in, and my mother grabbed my wrist and yanked me straight towards the drug store.
Once there, she continued to drag me towards the 'Pills' section of the store.
Oh, fantastic.
My mother browsed for a while before picking up a bottle with Lipozene written on it.
"Helps reduce weight, helps reduce body fat... Perfect! I am buying you this." Her voice was cold, emotionless.
Stab me again, will you?
I put on a confused expression, rubbing my sore wrist. Thankfully, she hadn't grabbed the one with cuts.
My mother turned towards me with a cold glare. "Even though I forbid you to eat, you are still gaining weight. You need to lose weight, Carolina. You have far too much of it. I'm sure everyone who looks at you at school cringes."
I kept my face blank, but that had really hurt.
You used to tell me every day that I was beautiful just the way I was...
Is it because I remind you of dad?
I had the hold back a sob at that thought. Nonetheless, I made sure not to show any emotion.
Thirty minutes later, we were at the Super C in the minimall. My stomach would not stop growling, as a result of the heavenly smells coming from McDonald's nearby.
And Taco Bell.
And Subway.
And Tim Horton's.
You see, this is why I hate shopping.
"Get me three cherimoyas."
I quickly did as told, taking too long to find the odd heart-shaped fruit. The card sitting in front of them said it tasted like a tropical mix of banana, mango and pineapple.
That sounded good.
But you can't eat them.
I grabbed three then hurried back to my mother, handing her the fruit.
"You took too long. Bring me two kiwano melons."
I quickly went in search of the horned melons, spotting them five rows down, out of sight of my mother. I quickly made my way towards them, my vision tunnelling.
Bumping into someone on the way, I looked up into a familiar pair of green eyes, holding back a gasp.
Jasper smiled down at me, but his expression was pained. "Hey, Lina."
I tried not to freak out at the nickname, but my heart started beating harder anyway. I couldn't look away, but I didn't know what to say either.
After a few seconds, I broke the gaze to continue my walk to the melons.
"Need any help with them?"
I almost nodded at his proposition, but quickly remembered that if my mom saw him, she would lose it. As much of a bitch as she was, I definitely didn't want to see her that angry.
So I shook my head, causing Jasper's eyebrows to furrow. "Why not?"
I shook my head again, turning my back towards him.
Instead of walking away like I assumed he would, he grabbed my shoulders and spun me around, making me look up at him. "Lina, what's wrong?"
"CAROLINA, WHERE ARE YOU!?"
My eyes widened as I tore away from him, grabbing two melons and running back to my mother.
"Caroline!" Jasper yelled, jogging after me.
I turned towards him, tears blurring my vision as I whispered three hoarse words:
"Don't follow me."
He was too startled to object as I ran back to my mother. I didn't look back, but every single cell in my body was begging me to just give up and run the other way, into his arms.
The next day at school was hard.
I did my absolute best to avoid Jasper, Gorden, Aimée, and everyone else. It was all going smoothly until lunch break.
I was walking from history class to my next class when I was suddenly slammed against a row of lockers, the back of my head almost splitting open.
Once the dizziness died down, I was still too confused to figure out who's body was pressed against mine.
"Hey, little birdie."
Oh, fuck me.
I tried to pull away, my body instantly reacting in a panic. Instead, my ex shoved me harder against the lockers, sliding his hand up my shirt and kissing my neck. I froze, cringing in disgust.
"Get a room!" I heard someone yell, but he paid no mind to them.
He pulled away from my neck to whisper in my ear. "You're mine, birdie. And I'm going to have you again, one way or another." He smirked, biting and tugging my earlobe hard, making me whimper in pain, hating how my body reacted
He groaned, releasing a breath into my ear. "I've missed your body... But not for much longer."
He smirked again before pulling away, already down the hall and turning the corner before I could even move.
I pressed both hands against my mouth, the self-hatred filling my body and making me struggle to hold back a sob.
"Fuck... Lina?"
My eyes widened and I immediately ducked my head, not wanting him to see me like this.
"Go away," I whispered. I couldn't look him in the eyes.
But he didn't. Instead, he hugged me tightly, clearly making sure he didn't put his hands anywhere I wouldn't want him to.
J A S P E R
I clenched my hands together, my left leg bouncing almost uncontrollably.
We were sitting face to face outside in the smoking area, her on one of the concrete benches, me on the other. The last thing I wanted to do was sit too close to her and make her feel uncomfortable.
A cigarette hung from my mouth as I watched her, waiting for her to start speaking. On the outside, I seemed worried. Inside, I was fuming. No one is allowed to put their hands on someone who doesn't want them there.
The silence was killing me, so I held the pack in my hand open towards her. With how thin she was, I thought maybe she smoked. "You want one?"
She shook her head. "No thanks, they're really bad for me."
I raised an eyebrow. "They're bad for everyone."
She sighed, shaking her head. "No, I mean, just one and I'll get hooked again."
I blinked in surprise but didn't say anything as I closed the pack and put it away.
Finally, after a couple more minutes, she looked up at me. "Thanks for bringing me outside, I really needed the fresh air... Even with the smoke."
I quickly took it out of my mouth, dropped it to the ground and crushed it with my foot. "Sorry."
"No, it's-- it's fine, I didn't mind."
I nodded but didn't light another. I continued to watch her, doing my best not to show my impatience.
She sighed. "He's my ex."
My jaw ticked. Fuck it.
Recalling the rage I had felt as I had noticed she was crying when the asshole walked away, I lit another cigarette and let it hang loosely from my mouth. "Should I have let Gorden loose on him instead of telling him to leave us be?"
She shook her head, her hair falling in her eyes.
Fuck, her eyes...
I cleared my throat. "You don't have to tell me anything else, except for maybe how worried I should be that he's clearly still interested."
She bent over and dug the heels of her hands into her closed eyes, sighing. "He used to push me into things, that's all. He's emotionally unstable. You don't really have to worry, I'm sure he'll leave me alone."
I nodded, leaning back. I had a feeling she wasn't being completely honest, but I wasn't going to press her. "Okay."
~
Hours later, at home, I was giving my best friend the shit of his life.
"She'll be fine, Jass! She'll survive!" He yelled, looking almost as angry as I was.
"No! Gorden, by breaking up with Alex, you're not just giving up on something that's hard, you're giving up on someone. A human fucking being. You have to drop Aimée. You're not happy with her, she's a bitch, all she's good for is sex, and Alex doesn't deserve it! You're going to lose someone amazing because of fear? That it won't work out? Stop being a coward, for shit's sake."
I could barely breathe, I was so angry.
"That's not all there is to it! Jasper, I--" I cut him off.
"Gorden, pick up a glass and smash it on the floor." He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off once again. "Just fucking do it."
He grimaced, but walked over to the kitchen, opening the cupboard filled with glasses.
He walked back over to me with one in his hand, then raised an eyebrow at me. "Now drop it," I ordered, and he did, choosing not to argue.
Pieces flew around the living room as the glass hit the floor, skidding across the floor in every direction.
That'll be a bitch to clean.
"Now, is it broken?" I asked him, completely serious.
"Yeah..." He looked confused but answered anyway.
"Now say sorry to it." He looked like he was about to say something else, but didn't.
"Sorry." He looked down at the pieces of glass.
"Is it fixed now?"
"No?" Gorden scoffed, rolling his eyes. But I wasn't done yet.
"So sorry wasn't good enough to fix it?" I stared at him, narrowing my eyes, causing him to swallow audibly.
"Well, no, but-" I cut him off again.
"What about glue? Could you glue it back together?"
"I could try..." He looked uncertain again, so I continued on. I had to make him understand.
"Would it still be able to hold water? Could it still fulfill its purpose?"
"No, but-"
"Why not?" I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Because it's broken," he muttered, stating the obvious but still looking confused.
"Because you broke it."
"Oh."
"And it will be broken forever. You couldn't fix it by saying sorry."
"Oh."
"Will it still be broken if you walk away?"
"Yes." My chest tightened at the guilt I could see in his eyes, but I didn't back down.
"So you leaving it won't fix it?"
"No."
"Can anything make it the way it was before?"
"No-" He choked on a sob, tears filling his eyes before he quickly blinked them away.
"That glass is the same as a broken heart."
He sighed. "Yeah, I get it."
"Denny..." I walked over to my best friend and grabbed him by the shoulders, looking into his eyes. "I know it's hard. I know she's so far away, but you can't give up. You can't give up on her. It's still worth it if she meets you halfway."
He smiled a bit. "Thank you, Jass. I needed that. I just... I'm just so confu-- I mean, I can't help but overthink sometimes. "
I chuckled a bit, choosing to ignore his stutter. "Yeah, I know. But that's what best friends are for; tough love."
C A R O L I N E
I couldn't sleep.
I looked to my left at the clock that read 2:34 am before sighing and turning over, curling into a ball.
Thinking about earlier, my skin started to crawl again, my insides expanding, my heart trying to jump out of my chest but unable to.
Then, all I could focus on were the blades in my drawer in the bathroom.
I curled into a tighter ball, not wanting to do it but almost unable to control myself.
All of a sudden an old song came to mind, and I immediately started singing it, my voice barely above a whisper.
"Hush little baby, don't you cry. Don't cut your arms, don't say goodbye. Put down the razor, don't turn off your light. It may be hard, but you'll win this fight..."
I closed my eyes as tears started soaking my pillow. I sang it over and over again until I eventually fell asleep.
J A S P E R
I was just about to go to sleep when my phone rang. Glancing at the clock and realizing it was 2:34 am, I reluctantly picked up the phone.
"Speak."
"Jesus, you good? What time is it?"
I sighed, recognizing the voice on the other line. "It's 2:30 am, Denny. What do you want?"
"I broke it off with her."
I raised an eyebrow. "Alex?"
"What? Oh... No. With Aimée."
I smiled a bit. "Good job, man. Now let me sleep and I'll be even more proud of you."
"'Ight, see you tomorrow."
We hung up, and not five minutes later, I was passed out cold.
ns 15.158.61.7da2
