My palms ran over my face, and a sigh escaped, a long, loaded sigh. Silence was too heavy, too heavy to the level that I wished the walls could talk. I felt trapped in my own skin, and I so desperately wanted to be freed. The tranquility of the air made it so much louder in my head. I took a look around me, searching for a distraction that would work, but those blank walls had nothing for me. I couldn't settle, I didn't feel like being around people, I didn't want that restless face of mine to be seen by everyone, and I didn't want to tell the story to those who ask about it. However, I did want to do something, to shut down my overthinking mode, but when your mind is already distracted away, there's not much that the rest of your body can do.
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Maybe thinking about something else can work. I told myself. But it was wherever my mind goes, it just comes back to it, to that image, that image of the future that I convinced myself will be a reality. I sat there for too long, the air got thick, and breathing required effort which I didn't have, as if every bit of air was drained. I stood up, feeling like my body had already used so much energy. It wasn't laziness, that's what I knew, it was rather that sort of tiredness, that feeling of being so emotionally occupied, so packed with your own feelings and thoughts.
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The kitchen floor lied cold beneath my feet, but my steps left their warm trace behind. There was so much light, the sun of mid morning had worked its way through the open curtains. It was so soothingly embracing, and I needed that, so much to the level that almost I felt happy with it. If it was like any other normal day, I would've taken it as a motive to do something productive, but not today, not at this time. The kettle was on, and I tried to get myself busy with welcoming the sunlight with an observant gaze. It was quiet again, and I never thought that one day this quietness would be such a pain for me. I hated it.
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Steam was rising through the air the next second, drawing my attention to it. I grabbed the mug in my sight, and so heavily put some sweetened coffee in it before the mug was adorned with the steam of boiling water. Just by looking at the cup of coffee in my hand, I felt like I've had enough, as though I had already drunk half through it. I released another sigh, and with slow, snail-paced steps I made my way out to the porch.
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There I was, staring out at the open road without a purpose. There was nowhere or no one I could rest my eyes on, that for a flying moment I thought that everyone had vanished. I blew into my coffee, then carefully lifted the mug with my hands wrapped around it almost too lovingly to my lips, and then a second later the hot liquid rushed in my mouth, giving me that sense of heat all over my body. Sun was reflecting on my skin, and I can't deny the joy I felt when it broke through my eyes, giving them a lighter tint, the color of honey. The swift blow of breeze teased my skin, and ran its invisible fingers through my hair. Childishly, I smiled, for the first time in ages a real smile that I didn't try to fool anyone with crawled upon my face, it felt so heavenly. If it was like any other normal day, if I hadn't woken up so messed up by her absence, it would've been my moment of the day, the moment which I take to feel as if I'm wandering around heaven.
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Then a car passed by, in a rush that it was out of sight within a blink of an eye, telling me that the world hadn't died yet, still alive, breathing and thriving, only I was drowning in the agony that I built for myself, and it might've killed my sense of the world a little. It was silent once again, as if it was some kind of a habit, being quiet, so thickly, unbearably quiet. A few little birds were singing above my head, on that old and tired branch. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't so jealous of them, those little birds, for being free, unchained by their own selves. I told myself that it's okay to pour all my attention on some little birds, and that I deserved the distraction. One of them had left, leaving the other two silent, staring at the horizon as blankly as I did.
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Low chattering caught my attention, a female voice in the distance, and I could feel hope spiking in me, a sudden jump from my messy, loaded state of mind, a boost of energy had taken over me, a strange kind of rush of beats my heart went through. I was so excited, and I didn't have the faintest clue why, I just hoped that it would be her, coming closer towards the house, with a smile engraved on her face, she would take me in her arms, so warmly and would tell me that the day is all ours, only ours like it used to be, only imagining it took me to the moon, made me feel so light. The moment before I lifted my head seemed to last forever, a blissful forever, until I lifted my gaze and saw it as it was, bare reality with none of my high built hopes.
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It was only a woman, wrapped in her yoga pants, walking side by side with her boyfriend -or husband, I can't assume- with her hand in his, his fingers wrapped tight on hers, as if trying to keep her in his grasp, as if he wanted to keep her, and somehow it seemed like I could feel the warmth of his palm on hers, so safe and reassuring, just by looking at the as they walk by. I wanted to go over, across the street, and tell her how lucky she is, how much I wanted to feel half of what she felt, but I didn't, I sat there, in my wooden chair on the porch, imagining how great my life was only a week ago, how everything seemed to be at its best before things shattered like fragile glass.
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A tear rolled down my cheeks, and I bit on the inside of my cheek, trying to hold myself together despite knowing that I can't. It felt ridiculous, pathetic even, and I felt so ashamed with myself for letting my tears fall down one by one as I watched them go away. There was a burn, one that I grew to know well, this burn in the chest, the desire to cry when everything get too heavy, I wished I could fight it away, I hoped that trapping it inside for a bit of time would kill it, but it only grew more painful with every second that passed. Everything was tasteless afterwards, the sun and the breeze that were once what lightened a spark of joy in me were nothing, and in any case I couldn't stand being outside anymore, I just wanted to rush inside and lock myself somewhere and cry till my eyes run dry, and by that time having her around was the least thing I wanted.
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