"I love you. Why do you do all of this to me?" I start crying.
"I just, I just feel that you don't deserve me, Grace. You deserve more, so much more," he replied with the nicest smile full of relief.
I gazed into his eyes in tears. He wiped my tears away and gave his last hug. It was the night where I realized that I lost the warmest arms that used to be mine, used to be mine.
24 March 2014
Today is my examination day. The day where I have to take a moment, think about everything I've been through. The love that used to be my everything, but it turned out to be the sweetest goodbye I'd ever had. He was the one who opened my heart to see different world, to always have a dream. But then, when I had him as my dream, he broke it all. But now, I believe that today, I will do this well. This is the last exam I will have at this university. I don't want to disappoint my parents and my lecturers. My hands are freezing, my vision is blurry, my heart beats like a drum. My examiner calls me to enter the examination room. I'm ready...
I did well, I still can't believe I could do it well. Next September, I'll be the representative student to give a speech as one of the best students this year. The graduation day will be held in Bali, my forever favorite place. Now, I can already smell the breath of the sun's heat and the splash of the ocean waves. I open the door and my friend is there to hug and congratulate me. She is the kindest friend that I have. She is beautiful, caring, and smart. Right now, I'm in her arms and somehow, this reminds me of him.
My parents welcome me with the widest smile I've ever seen. Finally, I know that I can make them happier than before. One of my goals in life is to make them happy, while the other one is to find someone I love that loves me. People say that being in love with the person who loves you is the greatest feeling in the world. In fact, everyone who came into my life, they broke my heart. They filled my days with laughter but at one point, they decided to go. I know that some people can't be together, but they are just destined to love each other.
And I know.....life is dynamic. Places change, feelings fade, people leave but life must go on.
__
5 August 2014
I open my eyes and look at the window. Yes, today is his 25th birthday. I don't have to make any surprise or even create a sweet atmosphere to leave him a good memories. I believe it was 3 years ago, I prepared lots of balloons and a chocolate cake at the cafe where we met for the first time. I waited there then I saw his shadow was walking through the wall. I looked at the door and he was already looking at me. That was one of the happiest moments in my life, seeing the one I loved looked at me before I did. I sang him Happy Birthday song and in the middle of singing it, he kissed me.
"Thank you Grace, you are the most unexpected person I've ever met. You're full of surprises and love. You know me better than I do but I can't love you better than you do," he said.
"Seeing you smile is enough for me. Because your smile tells me better than your words do," I smiled.
He was the 3rd man that I loved. The 1st one was a big guy with a red car. I remembered when I said I hated him then I splashed my apple juice to his red car. I slapped him and he tried to make me stay but I refused him. It was the first time I slapped a guy. The 2nd guy was a 'beautiful' guy. His face looked like a Korean actor. I didn't know exactly why I loved him but the strongest reason that I had was he was an expert in playing piano. Too bad, he decided to continue his study in London so we decided to break up at that time. We did love each other but that day, I thought about his important future. It was a rainy day at the pavement, and I forgot to bring my umbrella. He picked me up when I was incredibly wet. I entered his car and he looked into my eyes melancholicly.
"Grace, I know we love each other and you know my dream right? I've decided to continue my study in London next month"
"If you have to chase your dream, chase it. True love waits and I know that you have to fight for your dream. I'm happy if you can reach it"
Since then, I always order a cup of coffee at the cafe near the pavement. It reminded me of that 2nd guy. I wondered if he had succedeed in reaching his dream. Everyday would be like that until one day, the 3rd guy stood beside me and asked, "I see you around here these days. I wonder if I can join you".
It was the most wonderful 'hello' I'd ever had. Happy birthday, you're still in my heart.
--
20 August 2014
Graduation Day is getting closer. I don't know what to say on the stage. All I know is I'll be speaking in front of 4000 students. This year is a very special year. All students from the same university but from different cities will attend the graduation in Bali. There are 8 branches of this university all around this country and all of them will attend the graduation. Each study program from each university will select 1 student to deliver a graduation speech. Well, I don't have enough courage to speak in front of students, lecturers, and surprisingly, parents. I used to be a shy little girl who blushed when someone was asking my name. It was long time ago, I know.
Now, I grow up to be a strong woman. I've been hurt and disappointed but somehow, I can still open my heart for another love. I met many people after him but they didn't greet of even say hello to me. So, this is who I am, I always stay safe. I don't want to say hello, but I wait for them to do instead. Or maybe, I may see sparks fly when I look at someone's eyes, but I never smile outside, just inside. For me, no matter how you chase love, love will always run away. They will not stay although you try so hard to hold it tight. All love stories are the same, it's all about goodbye. And now, I'm tired of saying goodbye. I need someone who will stay forever. I know forever is a long time, but at least, they want to be with me no matter hard the situation is.
Some people went from my life when I loved them the hardest. But at that point, I realized that not everyone could stay in my life. People do come and go for a reason. They made me see that hope was something which will fade away through time. And I know it's right. Once I put my hope on someone I love the most, they went away. No one can define 'hope' as a meaningful word to me, no one.
This evening, my cousin will visit my house. She will stay here and be with me on my Graduation Day. She is my closest sister that I have. Everytime she visits my house, she'll bring my favorite cookies from her town. Her town is full of cookies factories and the cookies there are the best. It's a cold windy night, and I'm not alone now. For the first time in forever, I feel that I'm not alone.
"Grace, how is your life?"
"It's not getting better, Anne"
"Do you still love him, eh?"
"Always"
"Listen, just throw your love. I believe he's happy now and he has a better life now"
"I tried to, but I failed. I know he can't be happier without me. He told me that I knew him better than he did"
"Grace, listen, he has a happy life now. He has a happy life now, Grace. He married his friend from Elementary School. I heard the news from my friend who worked at the same office with him. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier"
At that point, I wish I could make him remember to all the dreams we made those days. The simple wedding we planned and also a fun honeymoon in Maldives. I still can't believe he changed his mind. He didn't even invite me to his wedding.
He burned the bridges we've made, but he could never burn my spirit.
--
1 September 2014
It's one week left to the big day. I do lots of exercises in front of my mirror. My speech is already 80% good and I'm ready for the Graduation Day next week. I prepare my clothes and all of the stuffs I need to bring. When I take my body lotion near a vintage frame of our photo, I remember when we walked by the beach that summer day. We were holding hands and everything was perfect. I didn't know that the hand you would hold at the end of the altar would be someone else's. I know that sometimes, our plan doesn't work out but God's does. And sometimes, what we think is good is not always good from God's eyes. But this time, I don't know why our plan didn't work out.
I put my clothes into my suitcase. This suitcase also brings back the memories I try to bury. He's the one who chose the suitcase for me. It was my birthday and he asked me about the present I wanted. We went to a mall and he chose this blue suitcase as my birthday present. It was a cold night too and I forgot to bring my coat.
"Don't you bring any coat?"
"No I don't"
Then he put his arms around me and walked together to his car. I never forget the warmth of his arms that night. We talked through the way home and when he stopped his car near my house...
"Happy birthday Grace. Thanks for always being here everytime I need you"
"I do hope that I'll always be here for you"
"Someone says that life without a cupcake is like life without love. So.......voila!" he pulled out a cute tiny cupcake.
"Thank you! You're sweeter than the cupcake of course"
"Have a wonderful birthday dear Grace," he said.
It was my last birthday with him then several months later he decided to leave. He did know how to spoil me with only every little thing he did. So that's why he's an expert in doing meaningful little thing, including that simple goodbye. It was such a very meaningful goodbye, yet the most painful one.
--
10 September 2014
"I thank God for this beautiful day, our Graduation Day. Without Him, there'll be no us and even this beloved university. I'm standing here before you all today to share my brief experience after all this time studying here. I didn't expect that I would be here because my dream was to travel the world. But then, I ended up studying here with people that wouldn't stop supporting me. Having lecturers and friends like you all is such a blessing to me. Firstly, I would thank Professor Eugene who never stopped reminding me to always believe in everything I do. You're there everytime I needed you, no matter how busy your day was. You're like my second father, caring and wise. Secondly, I would thank Professor Lilac, my one and only cute tiny lecturer. You helped me a lot here, prof. I can't imagine my life here without your help. I remember when you taught me for 3 hours and I still didn't understand the material. But eventually, you succeeded in making me able to stand here right now. I would also thank other lecturers who never gave up to teach me and help me along the way. Thank you for those bad scores which made me fight more and more. Thank you for making me see that life is not about studying and studying. The most important thing is no matter how smart you are, if you don't have a good heart, then you're nothing. Four years studying here is a short time. And I know there'll still be a long journey ahead. Later, we will go all over the world to work, to survive. The last thing I would say is no matter where you go, always take your heart with you. And don't forget to always love what you do and do what you love."
I finish the speech well but there is something there. Who is that guy? He doesn't stop looking at me from his seat. He's very different. I never see someone like him before. He is cold and sarcastic from this distance. Who is he? Who is he?
--
This is the best graduation I've ever seen. The view is great, the song of the sea, the breeze of the beach and the melody of the dolphins sound. There's my university's flag flying up there, blue and yellow. Once again, I realize that there is something missing here, there's no his presence. That day, he promised me that he would attend my graduation celebration. But it was long ago and everything is different now.
The graduation celebration is over now. That guy is standing here and still looking at me at the hall. His eyes are as blue as the ocean, his skin is as bright as a star, and his very first smile is fascinating. He walks, approaching....
"Hello. Grace, right?"
"Yes," I smile
"Your speech was fantastic. You inspired people," he said
"It was the result of my hard work. Thank you for the compliment. By the way, I'm Grace Natasha, and you?"
"I....I'm.....Jim. I'm Jim," he takes my hand and we are shaking hands.
"Alright, Jim. Nice to know you. Anyway, I saw you looking at me when I was on the stage, what's the matter?"
"Nothing," he turned his cheeks and go.
"Jim! Wait!" I hold his arm in a sudden. He stop walking and he looks at my eyes deepy. His eyes are so bright as the moonlight in the darkest night sky. His eyes are such starry eye, the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
"Grace, I have to go. I'm sorry." he said
I watch him walking away but then I change my mind. I follow him from behind slowly. I can't believe that Bali has a beautiful small forest. Jim enters a small hut in the forest. I see him from far and finally I decide to knock the hut's door.
"Jim? Hello?" I knock the door.
He opens the door, "Oh Grace! Why are you here? You followed me?" he asked
"Yes, I'm just curious about you. May I come in?"
"Sure. Come in" he replied
I don't know what kind of feeling is this. I meet him today and I fall in love with him. Is this love at first sight? Or is this just a temporary feeling? But he seems different from other guys that I met, especially his starry eyes. This is the first time I experience love at first sight. In the past, guys would love me first. But this time is different, he seems so cold, sarcastic, and myterious.
"Jim, where are you come from? I mean your university"
"I'm from the branch in Borneo. But after this, I will leave Indonesia soon"
"Where are you going?"
"Somewhere. Just somewhere."
"You're weird Jim. Really mysterious."
"Well, that's me. You haven't known me much, so........."
"So this is how I want to know you better, Jim. You know, following you going here.."
"Well, that's okay. Grace, I don't have much time. I have to leave this country soon. But I'm happy that I have the chance to meet you before I go. You impressed me."
"Thanks Jim. But deep inside my heart, I don't know what's going on here. But there's something I want to know about you more. I don't know why. It's like we have met somewhere in another time."
"I'm not sure about that, Grace. But remember, everywhere I go, take your heart with you. Just like you said on the stage today." he looks at me deeply with his starry eyes.
Suddenly, wind comes and rain is about to start. I have to go back to my hotel that my family must be looking for me right now.
"Grace, you should go back now. It's raining soon" he suggests me.
"Well okay, Jim. See you soon. Please tell me when you're about to leave." I smile and I leave his hut.
At the hotel, I think about his sweet smile and starry eyes. He's really imposibble person. He didn't even want to say where he would go to. Hours go by and I'm still thinking of him. What's wrong with this feeling? I think I have to believe that this is love at first sight. But why did he say, "But remember, everywhere I go, take your heart with you. Just like you said on the stage today"? Is it a kind of clue? I pause everything for a while. Then I start thinking about something.
"Take my heart with me?", "Everywhere I go?", "Why do I have to do that?", "But right now, the thing I want do the most is coming back to his hut,"
So this is the first time that I have the feeling that I know there must be something there. Something I have to go to. And I have to go there with my heart too. I run fast to the hut and it's 10 PM right now. There's a little lamp hanging on the hut but the hut looks really quiet.
"Jim....Jim? Are you here?"
I try to open the door but it's not locked. The hut is really quiet and I see a letter on a small table near a cupboard. The paper of the letter looks sparkling and glowing from where I stand. This time, my feeling is different, I feel that I fall in love first before a guy does.
--
I walk slowly to the table. I take the glowing letter and open it. Some of the sparkles fall down gradually to the floor. The letter says,
"Love is meant to be fought."
This is a very surprising moment that for the first time, my mind and my heart speak the same way, "I have to find him". But where can I find him? But there must be a clue here. Glittery letter? Love is meant to be fought? His starry eyes? There's only one place where I can find him, Milky Way Cliff. I run fast to the cliff which is located a bit far from the hut. It takes 10 minutes to go there by car, but I don't know how much time I needed when I run fast like this. Tonight is very cold because of the cold wind last time from the rainy afternoon. The sky is full of stars but the clouds cover up the moon. The cold air freeze me and my feet are numb. I feel like I can run no more. I don't even put my coat on but all I wear now is a short-sleeve white dress. Right now, it feels like I'm running without any shoes on me.
Now, I'm almost there. There are only 20 steps left to reach the peak of the cliff. The stars in the night sky are really beautiful, just like the name of the cliff, Milky Way Cliff. I've never been here before, but I did read some articles about this beautiful destination. I walk up to the cliff and I see Jim standing there looking to the end of the cliff near a soft pink cherry blossom tree. The wind runs his hair to the air and I walk approaching him.
"Jim..."
He turns around and smile, "Grace, you found me"
"What's all of this, Jim? I don't understand. You had me at hello but I don't understand about this puzzle," I ask him while I'm looking at his stary eyes
"Grace, you're right. You had me at first sight love, and so did I," he smiles more nicely
"Grace, it's time for me to go to leave you"
"Yes you told me before that you would leave Indonesia, but what's all of this, Jim? Standing here on this cliff?"
"Because this is the place where I will leave you," his smile fades away gradually
"I'm no longer living here, Grace. I have to go back to my kingdom because I'm the prince of Moon. I have lived here for 10 years to find a girl who will love me at first sight. Because that's the requirement for me to be able to rule the next generation of the kingdom. And now, here you are, the one who loves me at first sight. You're also right about we've met in another time before. Because in the Moon kingdom, we believe in reincarnation. We did meet each other even got married 1089 years ago and it's such a blessing that we can meet again in another world now. But this time, we don't get married, Grace. But remember, love is meant to be fought. You have to fight for love. Don't lose hope, because there's always hope wherever you are. Hope can't die, it always lives within your heart. And although you never know that we've met in another time, my love for you will never fade away no matter how many times I die and live again. I will always love you Grace, my a thousand years old wife. You have a really bright future and you'll find your true love. You may not see what I see but all you have to do is believe. Because when you believe, you'll see impossibility happens."
I'm burst in tears and I run to him then hug him hard.
"Jim, I wish I could go with you," I reply.
He kisses my forehead, smile, then say, "All love stories aren't the same, Grace. You have to believe that. You just don't put your faith on it. Never stop believing and hoping, Grace. Because in the end, you'll see something big happen even when you put a little faith on it."
Suddenly, stars from the sky start wreathing his body. His body fades away gradually in a very bright shine. I hear him whispering, "Love meant to be fought. Fight for whom you love, Grace".
I walk to the end of the cliff and sit there. Tonight is a very special night. I don't even know that I'd married a prince a thousand years ago. Now, the clouds stop covering up the moon. I can see the bright full moon now. I know Jim will be the king in his kingdom. And I'm here to continue my life but I don't even think that there'll be someone who shows up accidentally that will change my life forever. I used to not believe in hope, but now I know there's always hope. I used to be that kind of person who is hard to believe, but now I know even if I put a little faith on it, I'll see big thing happens. And from now on, wherever I go, I'll take my heart with me. No matter how hard the situation is, I'll love what I do and I do what I love. At last, I know that there's someone who loves me forever, eternally.
ns 15.158.61.54da2
