I have never been one of those girls, you know the ones who hanged around with other chicks gossiping and doing my nails. I thought it was sickening for chicks to do that and not know how much it hurt while wondering why no one ever sticks around. Isn't it obvious, its because your a bitch.
In fact, while the other girls in the house would do their makeup in the morning I would be in the gym, doing what any army brat would do. I would line up to the bag, put my feet under my shoulders, tuck my thumb up over my middle finger, tuck my right hand under my chin and raise my free hand, bend my knees slightly and hail down punches onto the red sand filled bag they brought me after i made my fist bleed after punching a brick wall.
It was rather simple, for hours I would just hit that bag, every morning. Just waiting for my time to avenge the ones who put me here, who took them from me. To enlist in the army and protect my country and other families so they would not be in the same situation as me. an orphan, abandoned and hated by the world.
In the afternoon while they (meaning the other girls living in the house) went shopping or to the library or whatever the fuck they do, I pulled on a black hood and leggings and hit the streets. Just waiting for someone to tell me I did not need to enlist to let go and love again. To make me belive in humanity again. I would walk around town, talking to whoever I fancied and tried to find anyone who I could help out. I helped old ladies across the road, and I unpacked groceries, just hoping I had spread some happiness in a dark world. i would smile at a small child, buy food for the homeless and buy struggling mothers something to eat for them and there children.
At night I was the last to return home after spending the afternoon waiting for someone, anyone, to see how broken I was and help me like i helped others. nights consisted of dinner, homework, and a wholesome 'family' conversation. if you could even call us a family. i just saw it as a lot of lost and broken people coming together to at least try to fix themselves. these diners were the only time in the day that I felt close to the girls, we would try and throw food pieces into each other's mouths. Most of the time we missed but we would laugh it off and try again. they would show me their bounty from the days shopping, sometimes they would hold out a dress to me and force me to wear it, they would offer me tutoring or ask to be trained. I would fight but about a few minutes of arguing I would crumble and put it on or let them tutor me or give them pointers about how to throw a punch.
Then I would throw the memories and shit back into the back of the closet i call my mind with the others, not knowing that these moments were about to mean everything to me.
There was seven of us living in the house. our caregivers; Kelly and Annabelle, middle-aged sisters that failed to find love but still wanted children, Jess, she's 21 and was taken in when she was 16 and stuck around to help out with us four, may, she's 18 and looking at apartments in the big apple, where she planned to attend NYU, so she stayed a few more months, and myself, Danielle and Vanessa where 17. Soon it would just me and I did not even know. we weren't family but they were all i had left in life at that point of time.
I was the first one they took in when I was ten, followed by May when she was 12, next came Danielle and Vanessa who came in around the same time and lastly the lovely Jess. We lived in harmony four 5 years together.276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwYX35lFmN
we fought but we knew we loved each other; we were the only support system we had since we were very young. that is why on the 3rd of February 2018 everything fell apart.
and by that i mean, the fire.
3:32 AM
3rd of February 2018
I woke up to the sound of my alarm blaring. I sat up with groggy energy, practically leaped out of bed and ran to my closet to quickly gather up a pair of light denim jeans with colourful embroidery and a red sweater that ended just bellow my belly button and paired the both with a pair of black doc martins, a black beanie and a black choker with a buckle.
I dashed towards the bathroom I share with Danielle just as I hear her start madly rushing to unlock her door to do the same, it was a daily race for the bathroom. The older we got the earlier we woke so we could be the first to the bathroom. i knew that if i lost i wouldnt be able to train that morning so i made sure i always won.
I don't even know why she tries anymore, i guess it was just a daily routine after all these years.
I reached the nob and barge it open as she leaped forwards and fell short, landing on the tiled hallway floor with an almighty grunt.
I checked my phone for the time. 3:34. A new personal best. I brushed my long blond hair back into two braids and tied them with white headbands and started to strip, revealing my scars hidden by my clothes, and quickly ran into the shower, not wanting to see the reflection of my body in the mirror.
I showered leisurely and tried to ignore the pounding on the door as I scrubbed myself.
After I left the bathroom Danielle shots me a playful glare as we swap places.
"about time, asshole." She jokingly spat at me as I patted my hair dry. "at least I'm not slow, physically and mentally." I jested at her slight autism as I pocked my tongue and we both laughed it off. "want coffee?" she shook her head, sadly and slowly. "Jared says I should quit, he doesn't like the taste when we make out."
I hated Danielle's boyfriend with a passion so to see her so tired and broken hurt me. He had cheated on her and he still does. She says he loves her but does he really, he is a dick who goes around sleeping with other chicks and makes her life miserable.
he's aggressive, controlling and unfaithful. sonds like most of the guys i know to be honest.
3:40 AM
left hook, right hook, jab, repeat. Every time I hit the bag; I did not imagine me to be enemies but Jared's face. I imagined delivering punch after punch to his smug bitch-face and every time I did, I felt pleasure that only a sister could ever feel. I couldn't wait for my little sister to finally see he was a jackass and dump him, but she was too kind, she thought that if she gave him her heart she could fix him, it pissed me off but I knew one day she'll realise that he was no good for her and it was me that would comfort her and tell her that he would never be full knowing that he hurt her, but for now I would bite my tongue and keep my nose out of her business.
7:30 AM
Later that morning we all gathered around the table and talked about anything and everything, as Kelly fussed over our lunches and may sat in the middle of the table, babbling energetically about anything that came to her mind before she went to work at a small café down the road. "did you know that today's national golden retriever day? "may energetically bounces on the kitchen counter as we scurry around to get ready for school. She may be 18 but sometimes I think she is younger. Like 3 or something.
"no, may. now stop standing on the breakfast island, where about to eat there." Annabelle ordered as she read her newspaper and drank her coffee. may left out an air of annoyance and slowly gets off the table with a grunt.
i let out a small chuckle and rolled my eyes as she shots me a glare.
9: 30 PM
Smoke. I was about five blocks from home when my nose started singing in pain. Fire engines shot past me towards the place I have called my home for the past seven years and I started to get worried when I did not see the girls run to greet me like they always did. I think in that moment I knew something was wrong. I did not need to hear the screaming from within the residence, my sisters trying to survive. I started to see smoke bellowing from the position where the roof of my house should be, and I heard someone shouting as I began to race forwards. it could have been me now that I think about it but at that moment it was just me and the dread, the fear of loneliness and the memories that lived within those walls.
"No!" I run around the final corner and I am stopped by a group of onlookers and firefighters as they stop me from getting to the house that was now engulfed in flames, the same flames that masked the screams of my sisters. I started hyperventilating as I sobbed into the shoulder of the onlookers that managed to stop me from running in to help my family as their screams quietened down until there was one left yelling for help. Vanessa. she was calling out to me as i tried to crawl through the mob of people that gathered around me to block me from running into the fire.
"Vanessa." I sobbed. "I'm right here, please don't give up. Keep fighting." i started screaming as i lost the energy to fight anymore.
my vision blurred with tears and i fell to the ground as the blazing roof crumbled and fell into what would be her room.
her screaming stopped and i was all alone. 276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxsOMPy0hK
"i love you, sister." i wispered as i let my tears fall.
After that I do not remember much, life was not worth remembering. life was not worth living.
when I raced Danielle that morning I didn't know that would be our last race, when I was in the gym I didn't know that I should have been upstairs, soaking up every second I could have with them. when I belittled may I did not know the next morning she would not ramble and smile and stand on the counter.
When I was walking the streets looking for someone to love, I did not know I already had everyone I needed already. I could not know that until I had no one left. And when they were dead, I lived on. 276Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ31zPZfC9iL
six people I loved died today and while they were screaming out for me, I did not hear them.
after that day I t was as though the world became numb. the birds did not chirp anymore, the clouds blocked out the sun every day and the rain fell like my own tears. I did not care anymore for boys or school or friends, or life in fact. I started going to parties, getting involved in risky behaviour and often returned to my new foster home either blind drunk, high or a mixture of both.
That is probably why there is no surprise that by two months after the accident and three months before I was of legal age to enlisting the army, I was told that I was going to be staying with another family.
23rd of May 2018
the alarm beside me bed blared with an unholy noise that rattled me from my dreams of a better time. I laid in bed for a while just thinking, thinking about all those opportunities they have missed out on. and I cannot help wondering, could I have preventing this from happening?
I knew that there was nothing I could do now but if I had been with them in the house that day, could I have saved them? Could I have protected them?
I knew I could not but then I would think to myself, is life really worth living? Everyone talks about living and how dying is apart of life but then why be born just to die? Are we all just expendable?
are we all born to die?
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