The traffic jam outside is so loud that i need to shut the noise by keep silent. Many voices, as i stared the window and someone earphone played this specific, vague song that i somehow forgot but familiar with, i find myself reflected in the pieces of the whole city.
So, a question arose. Why that song specifically?
The feeling, the memory, i knew i could laugh now but i could not bring myself to do that. Bittersweet smile, i see myself. No one could really tell how i felt, as this film-like scenery started to play somewhere that i could hear the sound of the machine that displayed it.
Why memory is so vague now after all the thing that already happened? Am i really block it because it is a bad things? or, i just simply forgot about it?
In high school, i had this simple life. Staring into the window, feel sleepy as i wasted a lot of time don't care much about anything. Classmate started talking, i being there, blended as i always do. Even today, as if the chameleon try to hide in the wild. Never in my life i hate the same human being so i did that thing.
I just... plain.
"Matt, why do you always daydreaming?", this girl that i never has a crush on speak to me clear as day.
"Nothing. i just wondering", said this nonchalantly as i see into her eyes. Still a beautiful pair of eyes, a blue sky that brings you in the melancholy session. I suppose that her fault, as i still wear the same face.
"...Rebecca, i have a question for you"
"Sure... you always to ask me anything so random anyway so--"
"Were not you tired?"
"Ha ha ha ha...", she laughed bitterly. Then, she looked away as if she talked to me that reflected in the school window.
"Is that a rejection? after all these time?"
Sharp girl, love this side of her.
"Just saying... but its hard when you always this sharp"
"No, it just because you are too predictable"
"Is that so?"
"Back to the topic, Matt"
"...Don't get pissed yet, girl"
"I am not your daughter, boy"
"Yes, auntie..."
These kind of conversation played in my mind as the traffic jam still occurred outside. i smiled as the scene continued.
"Of course not, i am not tired though", she said to me cheekily as she for the first time gazed into my eyes, as if try to steal my piece of mind. Just let me alone, girl.
"Being fake all day in this shit school is tiring but seeing you in the background watching is made me thinking, you know..."
"Like what?"
"I envy you"
Dumb. Really dumb Rebecca.
"I could say the same thing to you"
"Also, i love to make you disturb like this"
"Let me alone, sadistic devil"
"No no, i am your cute angel, you know?"
"In your dream"
"Dream suppose to be turned into reality"
"Hah... i won't let ya"
"Prove it, coward!"
As the scene continued, i remember the last thing i did. Really didn't feel anything from that kiss i did to her as the last school go home warning chime in the distance. I left her alone in the empty classroom dumbfounded. As if i care about your stupid daydream.
I always told you Rebecca, i like this protagonist from this certain comic i read in the past that he doesn't interested in romance. Sound corny, but i have to accept that fact to myself and let her know that a mere kiss won't make me care for her. For your information, that protagonist was in the harem series so i despise him afterward. But, i still really like the former idea of normal life that don't related to romance.
After all, i had this simple wish in my high school life. Thinking about it now, what remained in my memory of my high school just my time with her and this never-ending corny time with her.
Then again, why i always accompanied her like that?
Don't say that i find her attractive that i need to decline it inside my head? Ha ha ha ha... sorry that i have to break it to you but that was not the reason why.
As i said, i envy her. Not the because she is the spotlight in the entire school, nor she was the so-called prettiest girl in the whole school according to the newspaper club at the time.
"I won't stop!"
"I don't care"
That two lines summarize our entire existence in this wasted after school session. And, one day i just find myself dumbfounded with a simple fact.
There, i just said to myself... "She is serious about me, but in the entire wrong reason". At least, that was my thought that time. Really, i just hate you for not saying that to me directly that time.
I might be plain, and she might be annoying but...
That particular song came to mind. The title of that ass-song...
"Oh what the---"
The past scene continued in my head as the red light showed in my face. Under the rain one day, she being dragged by someone into the alley but i just stood there, thinking i was in my daydreaming and her being just my fragment of my imagination.
I always envied her. Because i could not touch her. Not this plain me. But, she always fake that smile when she is with me. Every single time, even after dragged like that, and have this scar in the her face...
Dumb ass. Rebecca, i hate you. You turned me into a criminal that stalk you after that after school i happened saw you being entered the darkness of the small alley. The rainy season didn't help me and my mind to stay sane.
So, i just tired of that fake smile of her. Just ask me. Even if you really doesn't know me personally. You and me just happened to be in the same class. You are the star, and i am hiding in the shadow of the darkness realm.
I am plain. But, somehow that ironically attracted you into this person you called as Matt. I hate you for make me confused and conflicted. I knew you could not say it to anyone, even police in that sense. This city's police is shit as fuck. They really robbed me and my parent's money during that time that i----
The scene censored. My mind shattered. My agenda is erased. That song played in this dark room as Rebecca saw me with a smile so wide that she was one that freaked me out.
"Are you dumb or what, Rebec?"
"About what?"
"This whole mess"
"Sorry i never knew you are really like this inside... but my girl intuition was right"
"That's scary that i am one that supposed to be freak out"
"I am sorry"
"I hate you"
"Thank you, Matt"
"Let's go out from here, bad girl!"
Dim light setting. 16:9 ratio in my mind. That song faded into the oblivion but, her warm in my right hand still here right now. She hugged me and that moment that i realized that i avoided this dumb thing because... a dumb reason.
"Don't look back, it's scary..."
"A lot of blood though... how do you gonna clean it?"
"Ssstt"
As this Diplo-Skrillex collaboration song is started again in her earphone, i look her and asking as the bus is stopping the nth station, far from our city.
"Rebec, why that song?"
I knew that i maybe asked this question in the past, but maybe this just became my habit when my head having sick of long travel. She always break anything in my life, my agenda of not having trouble of doing that kinda thing, my peace of drowning in my own thought, and my ideal version of plain self of me.
As my mind drown in thought, she smiled and answered, "This is the song when you are really the coolest that one time... remember?"
"I still hate you about that"
"Then why were you proposed last month?"
Yeah, that one time i really lost my mind. That just one thing i still could not get over from you, my angel.
ns 18.68.5.80da2
