Matthew
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Friday, May 4th, 20XX
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I looked over and checked the time; it said 12 pm. I sighed, I got barely any sleep. I sat up and rubbed my head; tears had dried on my cheeks. I hated this. I hated crying every night. I hated feeling like I disappoint my parents. I texted my boyfriend good morning and told him I was going to do work. That was a lie. I rarely did work. I skipped class because I just wanted to disappear from the world. I took a deep breath and looked at my calendar, today was the 4th of May, and the word 'suicide' was written in the box. Tears filled my eyes, "It will be better this way," I told myself. I thought of the night before; my parents refused to let me come back home to see my little brother and sister. I was planning to go to my brother's birthday, but I guess not anymore. I came out as gay a few months ago, but it was only when I moved to start college that they started being distant and homophobic. At that point, I began to lose everything I thought I'd have forever. I got depressed, suicidal; I was cutting my wrist every day and avoiding class. My friends seemed like they didn't really care. I stood up from my bed and held on to my nightstand before I became stable.
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I opened up my mini-fridge. I wasn't going to eat, 'I haven't left the dorm in a bit.' I thought to myself, I also haven't eaten a lot in the past week. I think I was nearing 110 pounds; I was far underweight. I grabbed a bottle of water and closed the fridge. I opened it and took a couple of sips. I put the lid back on and set it down on my desk. I looked around my room. It was a bit cluttered, but that was okay. That's how it always was. I checked the time and sighed; I decided to get some fresh air and drive around town. It was going to be my last day, so why not? I looked at the bandages around my wrist. Blood was seeping through again. I walked into my bathroom and looked under the cabinet for my bandage wrap; the roll was empty. I guess that's another reason to go into town. I put on my favorite hoodie and left.
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I locked my door behind me and left the building. I got into my car and drove to Walmart. I sighed. I hated being in a place with a lot of people. It made me feel uncomfortable and anxious. I moved quickly, keeping my head down, towards the medicine aisle. I briefly looked over the shelves before I found the wrap I needed to buy. I walked over to the self-checkout to pay for my one item. I paid and left; as soon as I got into my car, I took a deep breath. "That wasn't that hard, was it?" I asked myself. I smiled slightly and started the car.
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I pulled into Starbucks, well, the Starbucks that Jake and Evelynn used to work at; I remember Jake's smile when I would come in to see him on his lunch break. I ordered the same thing almost every time: Ferrero Rocher Frappuccino. Granted, it wasn't on the menu, but Jake made me feel special and let me take from the "Secret Menu." I smiled as I remembered him making it behind the counter. He started with a Double Chocolate Chip Frappuccino and put 2 to 3 pumps of mocha syrup, along with 1 to 2 pumps of hazelnut syrup, topped with hazelnut drizzle. I wanted one, but I didn't want to put the baristas through all the work of making it. I shook my head and pulled out of the parking spot, and drove away.
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I came back to the dormitory and opened the door to 98, my dorm. I walked into the bathroom and took off my hoodie. I looked up in the mirror. I was a train wreck. There were dark circles under my eyes, and scars and bruises were covering my upper arms. My hair wasn't done like it usually is. Pulled back into a cowlick fashion, hair spray holding it together. The bandage around my wrists was more blood-soaked than before. I carefully began to unwrap the bandage from my wrist. I winced at the pain of it peeling off my cuts. I breathed in and out, trying to pull myself together. I unpacked my new bandages and began to re-wrap my throbbing wrists. I always had more trouble wrapping my right wrist, but it was only because I was right-handed. I put my hoodie back on for comfort and laid down in my bed. I closed my eyes, waiting for time to pass.
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It didn't feel like long before my phone started buzzing. I rubbed my eyes and checked the time, '6:46 pm.' Had I accidentally fallen asleep? I unlocked it and saw a new message from Jake, and the rest were from my group chat and other social media. I read Jake's message first.
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"Good morning, baby, please take care of yourself." It read.
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I sighed. I kind of was taking care of myself. I went into my group chat and saw that Vicky and Dan were arguing about whose dorm we were going to. I read through the argument and saw that Jake was the one to fix it.
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"Guys, just come stay here. Mine is clean. I have enough space for sleep. I'll pay for food and movies. Just stop arguing." I smiled slightly at him breaking the fight. I wasn't going to go. It made me feel bad, but I didn't want to annoy them.
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I thought about how often they didn't invite me to go out. Was it because they didn't like me? Because I annoyed them? Because I was loud all the time? They didn't even invite me this time. No one knocked on my door... Soon my head flooded with thoughts about how terrible I was. Then, I was crying. Tears were rolling down my face as I sat in my bed, gripping my hair. I bawled for hours, non-stop before I ran out of tears, and I was holding in sobs. I sniffled and wiped the excess tears from my face, I checked the time on my phone, and it read '7:01.'
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"Damn, time flies," I said out loud with a chuckle.
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Those three words were the first that I had said out loud today. My voice was hoarse from not using it. I sighed and stood up. I felt wobbly, but I took a breath and walked into my bathroom. Tears filled my eyes as I thought about how sad my life was. I walked over to my desk that had unfinished homework sitting on it. I took one of my notebooks and ripped out a page, then grabbed a pen. I sat down and started writing my goodbye. Tears began to fill my eyes and fall onto the page; now, the paper was getting soaked. I crumpled it up and threw it away, then ripped out a new one. I started writing it again, avoiding getting my tears on the page.
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When I was done, I walked into the bathroom and taped the notes to my mirror. I grabbed a bottle of pills off my counter. It was almost empty, but it'd be enough to kill me, hopefully. I took more deep breaths. I then heard my phone buzzing in the other room. I set the bottle down and went to see who it was. It was Jake; I let it ring. I watched it until it stopped then a message from him popped up. I didn't bother reading it. I grabbed the water that I had left on my desk and walked back into the bathroom. I thought about how things would be after I was dead. My parents wouldn't have to worry about having a kid that's a disappointment. Jake and everyone wouldn't have to worry about me being sad. I began to sob again. I took a deep breath and dumped the bottle of pills in my mouth, followed by a couple of gulps of water. I waited; I began to get dizzy, then it hit me. Did I really want to die?... But it was too late now. I heard a knock at my door, and I hoped it was Jake as I attempted to leave the bathroom. I started to lose consciousness.
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"Jake, help." I choked out. I fell. I caught a glimpse of the door opening before I passed out.
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