The Lioness and the Lamb Chapter/ Part Five
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Catherine/
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After Jyn situated the two people following her we had a car to ourselves but I feel suffocated. Overwhelmed with thoughts that should or shouldn't be said and a heart feeling squeezed by a vine of thorns. Everything we discussed regarding my relationship with Jyn echoes back to me as well, the chaos inside is eating me alive. The car moves slowly along as silence builds like a heavy fog you could easily choke on. However, my mind manages to speak before I could organize my thoughts fully.
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" Am I petty, or selfish, maybe too needy for you.?... Do I cling too much or am I just acting desperate? Tell me what it is that you hate about me because I'm drowning inside my head. This hurts a lot Jyn, please don't leave me guessing things."
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My words came from incomplete thoughts inside my head but with an overflow of them, they just find freedom before I could stop myself. Jyns knuckles go white from gripping the steering wheel but still hasn't answered anything I said. Her face shows pain but her silence speaks volumes and inspires my thoughts to spiral out of control.
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" if you don't care why even come to me. I don't enjoy being a piece of jewelry for you to wear as you please... You show jealousy and control over me but can't even speak up. You found me the same way you found her, just before you left... You attacked my friend just because you had a history with her, what's going on Jyn... Give me something please."
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The tears break free just as my strength broke at controlling this tempest of emotions. I can't read her thoughts and I can't make her speak, all I can do is lash out like a child. Im not even sure what I want to hear from her or what she could say to calm these thoughts. The longer she's silent the more truth is given to these thoughts, even though I don't wanna believe them. All I can do is try to stop the tears from pouring because I'm so exhausted from pouring my heart out. Perhaps it's my fault for falling so fast and riding the wave of excitement and adrenaline from the sex and sweet words. If any thought of mine is consistent and true it would be how I don't wanna be alone. I just want what's mine but nothing stays mine, ever.
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The car ride continues longer than expected which reminds me I'm not sure where we are going. My emotions come under control as I bury the more chaotic ones deeper down hoping it's enough. The silence hasn't changed but Jyn doesn't look good which I can only assume means she's thinking. How does anyone know if they have gone too far or said too much because I feel like crap now. Maybe I'm just not suited for these kinds of things in life.
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" Honestly I was gonna take you home and hope today was just a nightmare."
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Yet we are driving aimlessly through every street and side road. At least she's speaking what more can I ask or hope for at this point.
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" I know why you didn't message me and I'm not mad, not exactly... I should have answered those calls or messages last night."
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That pause in her voice makes this heart thump against the binding thorns, sharp and painful. She saw and ignored me, But I wait for her to finish while keeping my emotions in check.
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" Anything I come up with sounds like an excuse honestly. Believing that we are riding adrenaline and excitement hurts to hear... But I'm trying."
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She didn't even bother giving me an excuse about why she ignored me. Who was the woman that stole you from me or was it a guy, just tell me the truth. Because my thoughts refuse to keep quiet much longer.
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" You said so much and I didn't realize how deeply they could cut. Never realizing that's how I made you feel is not what I wanted... Last night was just so chaotic which makes it harder on me."
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" You are good at saying nothing at all like your afraid to speak the words inside. Yet I'm here lashing out like a child pouring my heart out trying to get something from you. You won't give me the truth and you won't give me excuses, but you give me empty words. Delaying what you wanna say doesn't change anything...are empty words all I'm worth to you?"
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The car came to a stop in some back alleyway words sharp enough to hurt both parties, but I can't control myself. This emotional instability is difficult to handle but what am I suppose to do.
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" I'm a person who has an endless greed inside of me, always seeking what could just be mine. Yet I never find it... Let's go separate ways for now and when you find your words come tell me because I know what I feel inside... Bye Jyn"
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She was struggling to find the words and I tried to let her find them but she never did. That look of pain on her face will forever be etched into my memories. Giving up on us isn't what I want but what more can I say when I'm unstable, lashing out with more hurtful words won't help. The next steps are on her to figure out if she can. After everything was said from my position I went back to my mother's home which was empty luckily. When I called my mother she told me several churches are holding a charity event which will take a couple of weeks. While being alone right now sounds ideal truthfully I couldn't handle more solitude. So instead of this empty home ill be helping at the event which may be for the best, far from my problems, and maybe ill gain some clarity.
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I decided to call Danny for a ride so I wouldn't bother Jenny, but somehow everyone ended up going together. While I'm certain Jenny is behind this having more hands helping will always be needed. The ride up to the Springs orchard is filled with random conversations and no one asks about my problems, so I'm finding myself relaxing. After an hour into the drive, Beth messages Jenny letting everyone know she would arrive later after spreading the word. My mother is excited to see the gang back together again which isn't a surprise since she always got close to those near me. While it was something I loved most about her, I could always tell she treated Jenny like her own daughter. My life could have been great if I hadn't thrown so much away when I was younger, of that I'm certain.
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When we arrived a message came through from Jyn which was unexpected. However she didn't have anything to say yet which was fine, I just want to know the truth no matter how long it takes.
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"Hey."
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" Hey to you as well."
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" I'm sorry about what happened, I'm trying to explain but my thoughts just don't process that fast."
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" Jyn, don't apologize or make excuses right now. When you are ready tell me the truth, till then let's not have this conversation."
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Saying sorry was my line but it's wrong for either of us to say it right now. Holding onto hope is the best apology I could offer her right now. Whatever happened that stole her from me must be serious and I wanna hear it even if it's painful.
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" My families helping with an event for charity, the air out here is refreshing too."
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" That's good to hear, I'm swamped with work. "
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Even though we are texting I can feel the unsaid words but she understands this situation. So maybe we can be friends and rediscover what brought us together in the first place.
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