The Lioness and the Lamb; Chapter Three/ Pt Three
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Catherine/
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However, I spent the night alone wrapped in sheets smelling of her. Pure torture that clung to my skin forcing me to become restless. It's hard not having mixed and confused thoughts in moments like this. The darkness surrounding me was eating away my sanity making my thoughts even darker. I tried calling her five times with nine texts but nothing was returned to me. It's like I had become forgotten and didn't matter at this time, I know I was something she wanted. But I know how greedy we can be in our lives always wanting more and often never satisfied. The darkest thought of the night was, would she break my heart or spare it.
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While I am still learning about Jyn I do know that she isn't a perfect person. Serious relationships are something she yearns for but is afraid of which makes me afraid. If I had to be honest we have never talked about this relationship of ours properly. When the morning was slowly rising I had no other choice but to get ready for the day without sleep. Everything became a form of pain or pure agony as I went about getting ready. Water was no longer peaceful as it graced my skin and food lost taste on a deeper level. All my worry is building up altering everything around me and I can't do anything about it. I needed a distraction that would save me before I drowned.
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" Hello?..."
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That sleepy voice was something I once cherished every day, now it's a reminder of a life I left behind. I don't know why I had to call her but I did.
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" Hey, Jenny... Morning, sleepyhead."
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" Catharine?... Jesus am I dreaming or having a nightmare right now."
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" That's fair... I just wanted a distraction, but I realize how cruel that is a little too late."
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" Yeah, something like that...so what's wrong or happening."
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I could hear the sound of another woman talking which isn't a first. This isn't a distraction it's self-punishment, with a way to feel terrible while forgetting about Jyn, for now.
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" I don't know... Perhaps im losing my mind over nothing."
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" Another heartbreak then?"
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Another heartbreak sounds close but I could be jumping to conclusions. Either way, im realizing how bad of an idea this was.
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" Sorry I really shouldn't have called... "
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" What's the address... I'll come to you."
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I'm doing it again repeating history I thought I could move on from. She would always run to me whenever I called after another mistake. She was beside me and yet I destroyed her all the same without a thought. I still wish she would hate me. After hanging up the phone all I could do was get dressed and ready. While it worked to remove some of my worry about Jyn in reality I replaced it with Guilt.
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The sound of her motorcycle could be heard purring as it came closer. While Im not the same person it's also true that things feel like a repeat of history. She greeted me with a half-hearted smile one she always gave me but this time it's different. She and I haven't spoken in so long but still, she came to me when she didn't need to.
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" Come on it's the same steps as before."
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She wasn't wrong I put myself behind her and moved my digits against her nearly bare stomach. In most cases, she has a leather jacket on or something warmer, but any time I called she just moved to me without thought. It feels a little wrong to hold another woman like this but I can't keep living inside my head either. The ride was calm just as I remember all the other times and my head instinctively places to her back as I listen to her breathing. The freedom I always feel while like this has always fueled my desire of flying. That's when we arrived at the usual spot she always drove me to when I felt like this, our spot she once called it.
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" This still feels good you know?"
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" Yeah... So what's going on."
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" Straight to the point... I guess that's fair."
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The silence hurt more than waiting for her to respond which again is fair. In a way, I hoped to catch up but did we ever have that kind of relationship before. So I told her everything I could that wouldn't hurt Jyn.
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" Sounds pretty standard for you to find a woman like that I guess... But if she has vanished maybe she just needed a break..."
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I felt her hidden words but she didn't speak on them to spare me the pain. I considered that thought among many others which wouldn't be out of character for Jyn either.
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" How about you... Settled down yet?"
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" Something like that probably screwed it up though but it's too late to change things."
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So I ruined a potential relationship for her which hurts to hear but it's a truth I should be used to. All I could do was try small talk which didn't change the distant cold feeling she had with me.
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" Hey umm, Jenny... You didn't have to keep my number or rush out after me, but I appreciate it. I'm old enough to know better and yet I still reached out for a lifeline."
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"If anyone needs one it's you... You may be into the religion thing but, he's not saving you anytime soon."
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That was enough to warm us both up as we laughed lightly. Finally, the air wasn't so suffocating to breathe in. The nearly destroyed bench was still surviving here in the weather without care. While taking a seat the sound of glass could be heard as she sat a case down.
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" Well, I know you didn't pick this up on the way to me. What's the occasion"
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" Shut up and drink, like I said same steps. The only difference is time now."
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We each took one and enjoyed the scenery before us while slowly becoming intoxicated. However, I couldn't resist the urge to ask.
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" Tell me about her?"
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" Casey, she's going to college and wants more but is patient. After tonight I'm not sure what will change."
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" Well, no one is as rebellious as me so I'm sure it's an upgrade. Do you like her?"
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" Yeah... But tonight confirms I haven't let you go fully either. The one girl who never had a chance."
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With a piece of you hoping for that chance to happen, truly cruel of me. Why can't you turn that feeling into hate, is it impossible after all.
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" You are someone who knows me best and that will talk to me. So making new friends hasn't been easy. In a way, I could only wonder if you could ever hate me."
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" None of them hated you but we also couldn't understand the reasons. Beth really liked that boy and you just took him without a care. Every one among our circle knew she liked him but you just did something so terrible."
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" Yeah I did but I'm surprised they don't hate me, after all I did. Back then I was a petty person who just wanted something to be mine, my circle of friends...You fell in love with me, a terrible person. Beth was chasing after a horrible guy that wanted others. Even after I told her she couldn't believe me... Danny... Was trying to fix me and I never felt anyone accepted me."
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" That's a lot but it's something I could see, Beth wasn't the dating type. Our friendly nerd who never thought of dating till she found the one. And the preacher's favorite being Danny the golden boy, Well, either way, you should come to Diggers river, we still gather there."
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Facing her is hard enough but everyone else would be much harsher. None of them approved of my old antics and roguish behavior but how nice would it be, to have those precious people back. If only I could have changed before I crossed the point of no return. While heading back towards her bike my phone vibrates inside my pocket. It could be Jyn or a number of other people but if it is her then let her wait, just like I did all night alone. Let me be petty and a little selfish.
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