The sky was glowing with a pinkish tint as lovers trudged through the snow clad roads with looped arms and sharing warm kisses. It was Valentine's Day and the streets were full of cute partners sticking to each other for warmth and out of love.
Opposite to a chocolate shop was a bench on the pavement where a woman was sitting alone, looking at a pair who were buying goodies to celebrate the day of love.
Her fur coat and thick sweaters paired with black boots did little to warm her heart which was freezing due to the loneliness she experienced. She knew her heart would break if she kept staring at those duos, laughing carefreely.
Still, her deep green eyes got stuck on another couple who were walking down the sidewalk with arms full of sweets.
They are having so much fun, she thought. With eyes full of tears and a heavy heart, she re-tied her muffler around her neck and crossed the mainroad zooming with cars. Amid the cacophony of the people who were planning to enjoy the day with their lovers, the lone woman hung her head low as she entered the chocolate shop flocking with customers. No one noticed the woman with brown curls as she picked up some bars of chocolate and paid for them. No one noticed the sadness in her eyes as she glanced around the room looking at faces full of happiness. Maybe she was the only one truly upset.
Even, her apartment felt cold she stepped into her gray half furnished room. The framed photos of her family and friends did nothing to soothe her wrenching heart. They appeared to taunt her as she settled on the couch. Their smiling faces mocked her of her inability to find a guy at the age of thirty.
She decided to scroll through her phone but that decision backfired as she faced the grinning faces of friends and strangers with their lovers. Sucking a deep breath she decided to pay the washroom a visit.
She splashed chilling cold water on her warmed up face. Goosebumps trailed her skin and she grinded her teeth so hard that they could break. With red puffy eyes she stared at the mirror looking for flaws. She hated herself. Her olive round face. Her almond emerald eyes. Her bouncy brown curls and even her whole body.
She thought she wasn't loveable. She would die alone in her pathetically coloured apartment. She would die alone doing her job. She would die alone reading books.
She loathed herself for not listening to friends when they asked her to find someone for herself. But she paid them no heed as she was busy working for her dream job, watching her favorite shows and reading books.
And now for the past few years she had been having second doubts. She had landed in her desired job but she felt nothing to do other than reading, watching and going to the office. Her life was a circle.
Sometimes she wished for that special someone who would make her laugh, be with her in her tough times, kiss her and make her feel his love.
But then life wasn't a wish granting factory.
With a sigh, her eyes again connected with her reflection. She didn't see herself, instead it was some aging woman who was fed up with the single life she was living. It was a tired woman who felt alone in this vast world. It was an insecure woman whose personal life was in jeopardy. A frustrated woman who had little connection with her friends and family as she was busy looking for dates. It wasn't her. It wasn't that fun loving woman who used to have adventures with her friends. It wasn't that loving woman who cared deeply for her family and visited them during the holidays. It wasn't that fangirl who stayed up late just to finish one last chapter and swoon over her fictional crushes. It wasn't that singer who sang in the showers and bowed to an invisible audience. It wasn't that emotional watcher who cried at shows and movies.
She felt like the ground had slipped away from her feet. A sob bubbled up her throat as she realised what she had been doing for the past few years.
Just to find a partner for her she had forgotten herself. Her early years when she had fun with her loved ones. She had forgotten about her fictional world and its characters who used to be her lovers. She had forgotten about all those times when she was busy being herself and crying over movies and books. She had forgotten about those late night excitement when she turned pages after pages of the book she was reading, deciding that she would read just another chapter and then go to sleep. She had forgotten about the young girl she was and let her heart age.
Her good old days got lost beneath her new lust for a real life partner. She had locked away her love for herself in the deep rusted corner of her beating heart. She didn't understand that her true love had been there for her all the way along.
It was her who embarked on adventures when she wanted some fun. It was her who consoled herself all those years with determined promises. It was her who gave herself advice. It was her who treated herself with treats on random days just to lighten her mood. It was her only. It had always been her.
She felt like she had been slapped right on the face. All these years she criticized herself for not being able to find someone suitable for her but she didn't see that 'the someone' had been standing right in front of her, staring directly at her, always. She never noticed the emerald eyed girl smiling at her.
With her new found self-realization a big grin slipped into her face. Her heart brimmed with joy as she stared at the young girl who was smiling warmly at her.
She wiped her eyes and soon she looked much younger as cheerfulness radiated off her making, even, her gloomy gray apartment smile.
She decided to check up on her friends and family and then spend the day watching some of her favourite old movies with chocolate bars surrounding her.
Now, as she wrapped her coat around herself tightly and skipped on the snow with twinkling stars overhead, she felt a sense of euphoria she never experienced. Her conversation with her friends and family had gone well and they invited her to spend some time with them someday. After a hearty meal with the latest romantic songs, she wore her headphones and danced around the snow.
She had her old self back. Her exuberant younger self. It didn't matter if someone was waiting for her or not as she was satisfied with herself. And it didn't matter anymore if she died alone because then she would die being herself knowing that she had enjoyed her life along with loving her true self.
She smiled softly at a couple who were kissing as soft tufts of snow fell delicately from heaven to celebrate the love for herself within her heart.
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