x
“Now, where is that princess?” the knight contemplated aloud before vacating the soot-filled room. Our young hero went back to the great hall and continued down the path towards the remaining rooms. He checked each of the bedchambers and even the solar. He then searched the cabinets and boudoir before examining the servant’s quarters. Our hero could detect no sign of the damsel on the main floor. As a result, he headed below to investigate the undercroft.
The young man waltzed down the stairs without a care in the world. He had succeeded in his challenge by slaying the foul beast that had defended this fortress. The troublesome part was over. What more did he have to worry about?
The knight danced and skipped down the dark halls, whistling a memorable tune as he went. He hopped over debris and kicked small stones with each step as he continued down the long corridor. He was making so much noise in his search that it caught the attention of a confused young woman sitting in her cage at the far end of the casemate.
“Hello?” she called out to the source of the racket. “Anybody there?”
The knight stopped whistling as the words echoed down the empty hall. “Princess?” He called out in response. “Is that you?”
“It is I,” the maiden called out to her savior. “Princess Buttercup Flynn-Bottom of the Northern lands of Pilmuth. My father must have sent you; although your voice is unfamiliar. I know our noblemen quite well. However, I cannot recognize your voice. Sir Reginald, is it?”
“Nay, my fair maiden,” the knight replied, continuing his trek towards the voice.
“Sir Vincent?”
“Not I.” the knight answered once more.
“Sir Weinhardt?”
“No,” the knight called out as he entered the room.
“Sir… Who are you?”
“It is I, Sir…”
It was at this point in the story that the knight did reveal his name to the young maiden. The man had a very common name: an ordinary name like Tim or George or Jeff. It was such an ordinary name that, frankly, I have forgotten what it was.
“Sir Tim or George or Jeff? I’m afraid I do not recognize the name. Are you from the Northern lands of Pilmuth?”
“Nay, my fair lady.”
“What about the Great Lakes of Valenshire?”
The knight shook his head as he examined the princess suspended above, locked inside a cage that resembled one that would hold a bird.
“Helendorf? Ravenwood? Hagglespire? Vizenshire?”
The knight denied each suggestion with a shake of his head, focusing his attention on finding a way to release the damsel.
“Well, where the bloody hell are you from?”
Where was the knight from? That is an excellent question; for the knight had never had a home. He grew up as an orphan, with his first memory being as a boy walking over a hill blanketed with exotic flora of the most brilliant colors. The knight had since traveled to many places; but never did he stay long. The closest place the man had to call home was a small tavern that sat beneath a large tree outside of a small farm town.
“Oh, just someplace over a hill and under a tree,” the knight answered. “How do I get you down from there?”
“There is a crank on the wall just to the right of you,” the princess replied, pointing towards a wooden contraption. “Release that bolt and rotate the crank precisely six turns counter-clockwise and my cage will be lowered. The key should be in the room next door. I believe the guard left it on a hook above the carpenter’s table… Oh! Please be careful with… Ahh!” the princess screamed as her cage plummeted to the ground. With a loud crash, the cage crumpled to pieces, releasing the rattled and annoyed maiden.
“Whoops,” the knight chuckled, tossing the bolt to the side. “Guess we won’t need that key. What was that bit about a guard?”
“The guard?” the princess scowled, her voice rising in anger. “The guard who placed me here. The guard who locked me in this here cage. You didn’t deal with THAT, guard?”
“And this guard is different from the dragon?”
“How is a dragon supposed to lock me in a cage?” she screamed.
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” the knight agreed.
“Probably right?” the princess scoffed with a growl before picking herself off the floor.
“Yeah. It probably would have had some trouble with the bolt.”
The princess stayed silent, studying the knight closely through her heated glare. After a brief moment, the princess sighed and attempted to calm down. “You’re a lot shorter than I expected.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m tiny. What about that guard? I didn’t see anyone on my way down here.”
“The guard sleeps in the room next door. It is quite odd, though. It is about this time that he usually shows up with food.”
Crash!
The clatter of a metal tray crashing onto the hard stone floor caught the two’s attention. The pair spun towards the noise, finding a very confused hunchback standing beside a mess of broken plates and spilled food.
“Guard look like that?” the knight asked as the hunchback pulled a large wooden club from the clip on his belt.
“Yeah,” the princess sighed. “That’s him.”
“Well, all right,” the knight chuckled, drawing his sword and crouching into position. “Let’s do this Igor!”
The hunchback charged forward, his club raised high in the air. The knight jumped into action, shoving the princess aside just in time to intercept the hunchback’s swing.
Twang!
The sound of metal cracking bounced off the brick walls of the dark chamber, deafening the ears of the combatants. The hunchback lifted his club for another strike as the knight’s broken blade clattered to the floor.
“We’re dead,” the princess muttered. Her body flinched with each swing the monstrous man made. Her hands flew to her face, as she cringed in fear. Her fingers widened, just enough for her eyes to peep through to see the knight narrowly dodge a blow from the wooden club.
“This isn’t over yet,” the knight assured the princess. He dove behind his assailant and bounced forward, thrusting his broken blade into the hunchback’s elongated hunch.
The hunchback cried out in pain. The club slipped from his twisted fingers. His stubby arms desperately flailed about, attempting to grasp the sharp hilt from his back.
The knight waltzed over to his opponent’s abandoned weapon, whistling in contempt. He lifted the heavy log onto his shoulders as his foe danced about in agony. “See,” the knight winked. He balanced the weapon firmly in his hands before stepping in front of the frantic hunchback. Our hero raised the club high, twirling the tip above his head. With a walloping swing, he brought the weapon down, bopping the villain on the top of the head with his own club. The hunchback’s eyes crossed to a daze from the blow. The villain’s jaw fell ajar, his tongue rolling from his mouth as he tumbled forward. “That was easy.”
The princess shook her head in disbelief, dumbfounded by the strange spectacle she had just witnessed. “How are you still alive?”
“Dunno,” the knight shrugged. “Ask myself that question often, though. Now, let’s get you out of here.”
The pair didn’t hesitate to leave. They darted down the corridor in a mad sprint before the princess pulled to a stop at the stairs.“Just to be clear, you did take care of the dragon?”
“Aye,” the knight nodded. “The bugger is about as dead as they get.”
“How dead is dead?” The princess asked, her face filling with concern.
“Pretty dead. Not much you can do without a head.”
“Oh, no.”
“What? Do you guys have a problem with zombie dragons around here? Because that would be new. Why do you ask?”
The castle rumbled in response, filling the fortress with a loud screeching roar.
“That’s why,” the princess said, hushing the knight with a finger to her lips. “It’s not dead.”
“I was joking about the whole zombie dragon thing. How does that even happen to begin with? You got some witch around here with a stick up her bum?”
“Not a zombie!” The princess screamed through a whisper. “Hydra!”
“Oh,” the knight blinked as the words finally sunk in. “Whoops.”
“Yeah, whoops! How do you plan on getting out of here now?”
“Well, my steed is in the courtyard. We can cut through the kitchen and escape through the larder the same way I came in. You can run, right?”
“Guess I’ll have to,” the princess sighed, hiking her dress up to her knees.
“Good. This way.”
The two leapt up the stairs and crept down the corridor. They made it all the way to the dining hall before another screeching roar filled the fortress. “Hurry,” the knight exclaimed as they bounded into the kitchen. “It’s coming!”
It was indeed headed their way; for at that moment, a series of earth-shaking thumps followed the two throughout the castle. The knight rushed the princess into the larder and out the hole in the wall as the beast bounded through the kitchen.
“Where is your steed?” The princess cried out in fright.
“Right here,” the knight replied, rushing to his tethered mount.
“That?” the princess sneered. “That isn’t a steed! That is nothing more than a donkey!”
And she was right. Our hero had ridden into battle atop an ass; and a lame one at that. He had purchased the beast from a shady farmer three towns back after realizing that his silvery white mare had deserted him the night before. The farmer had ensured our hero that the ass was the finest in all the land until an unfortunate incident with a wild boar had taken the beast’s hind leg. Our hero, not in the bartering mood (and quite frankly, out of other options) accepted the trade, purchasing the animal for a small bag of gold.
“Why the hell did you tie it to a tree?” the princess screamed as our hero’s fingers fumbled to undo the knots. “Haven’t you done this before?”
“Of course!” The knight replied, pulling the knot free. “Didn’t want the thing running off. The last thing I need is to lose my ass.”
A loud screeching roar filled the air as the dragon burst through the wall, its four heads scouring for its prey.
“Time to go,” the knight exclaimed, leaping atop the ass. “Come on, princess. It’s now or never.” The knight held out his hand to the damsel, pulling her atop his ride before kicking the beast into a trot.
The dragon cried out once more before charging after its foe. With a second swift kick, the knight pushed the ass into a gallop, throwing its two passengers back and forth with its uneven ride.
“Can’t you make this thing go any faster?”
“Not sure,” the knight answered. “It’s missing a leg if you couldn’t tell?”
“Well, it will have to! The dragon is gaining on us!”
With a deafening roar, the monster confirmed the princess’ statement. The knight kicked the ass into gear once more, propelling the beast through the gatehouse and barreling down the bridge. The dragon followed closely behind, throwing himself onto the bridge before raising all four heads back in rage.
“Faster!” the princess screamed. “It’s going to blow!”
Embers flew into the air as the dragon lowered its heads. With one last roar, fire exploded from each of the monster’s mouths. The stream engulfed the bridge in flames as it shot out towards the galloping ass. The donkey screamed in pain as fire licked its back-end, sending the ass flying down the overpass as quickly as the beast could muster. The ass flew past the bridge and into the woods before throwing its passengers off its back and plopping its bottom firmly on the ground, extinguishing the small flame eating at its tail.
The knight jumped to his feet as the shadow of the dragon flew over the trees. He danced about, jumping with joy and laughing in excitement at his accomplishment. He had succeeded. The princess was saved. He was no longer a failure.
His joyous jig came to a stop as he noticed the princess remained unmoved. She lay face first in the dirt, her arms limp at her sides. “Princess!” the knight cried, rushing to her side. “Get up! We did it! You are saved!”
Like a fallen statue, the princess remained still. Not twitch or shiver was made as the knight knelt beside her. His toothy grin faded to a solemn frown as he realized why she hadn’t moved. Her back was charred and black. He had failed.
ns 15.158.61.48da2
