Hello there, it's that blog you looked at and read two issues of and then never thought of again, it's back to bug you with more random and useless stuff that you really don't need to know.
Well, I don't know about you, but my life has really taken a turn. I'm about the most stable I've been in my entire life at the moment, and I have to say, it feels really good to write that. I'm at a new school, that I'm actually attending, and I happen to be at the top of my class, despite having virtually no middle school experience to speak of. I'm finding ways to express myself, in healthy non-harmful ways. I definitely have a healthier view of myself, and I'm not going to go too much into that, your welcome. I have a boyfriend of now almost two months, who is not only my first boyfriend, but my first love (wow, that was really uncomfortable to share... oh well). I also have "friends."
Alright, I write it like that because most of the people who consider me a friend, I don't necessarily reciprocate. Well... that's not entirely true. I am their friend and they are my friends, the thing is I don't really connect with them. Wow, most of you guys are probably like... ummm, why am I reading this? Anyway, I seem like a very nice person, and no, I'm not complimenting myself. I am nice, in fact overly so, and please don't judge, I'm also really honest and blunt sometimes. Here's the thing, I'm only particularly nice when you don't know me, and most of the people I "know", I'm extremely nice to. I have modes, and it's not that any of these aren't me, but they definitely portray my comfort level.
Here's a list for you:
1. Shy and withdrawn806Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcDDoEUBeh
This is usually in an unfamiliar environment, and it gets worse with the less people I know there.
2. Polite, Nice, and quiet
This is usually my small talk, and yes, sometimes I actually do warm up during this, but don't hold your breath.
3. Nice and Supportive
This is where a lot of my friends are, my conversations with them mostly consist of them talking and I'm always really considerate of their feelings when I do talk, because, I mean come on, why not? Everyone needs people there for them and people being jerks doesn't help anyone.
4. Snarky, but when it comes down to it, I'm not an asshole
Some of them are here, and honestly I do connect with the people that get to this "level," Jesus, am I ranking my friends? Ugh, that'd be gross... ew.
5. Awkward and honest(and incredibly sarcastic)
Okay, I'm just awkward in general, and you should probably put awkward in mind parenthesis next to all of these descriptions, this is where it really shows though. This is when I'll actually get talking and there's almost no one who sees this, I mean I can count on one hand the people that I (still) trust enough to be like this around. And yes, there is obviously more to my personality, but I'm not going to bore you with that.
Anyway, most people I know are at the first 3 "levels", but the thing is, there are actually people on the last two... And, it feels great, it really does.
Things have really taken a turn for me... After almost my entire first fourteen years of feeling, well, like I didn't deserve to even be in existence. Being isolated, alone. Having such strong and raw emotions that my body was literally in pain and couldn't help but recoil into a fetal position, as if that would protect me from being torn apart from the inside out. The screams, I can identify them all, actually, I can still hear them if I want. The ones that made your blood boil and the ones where you couldn't muster a sound... After all that you don't take happiness, honest to god happiness, for granted.
Okay then, sorry about that. That kind of got away from me, I didn't really mean to write all of that. Jesus, sorry. Wasn't that a nice trip from memory lane?
Everything that I felt though, it honestly made me who I am, and I think it gave me, I don't know, insight(?), something. It made me able to see and relate and I hope to help. It sounds perverse, but I'm almost glad that I have that, that I'm able to be there for people how some people aren't. Before break, there was this boy at school who I know. When he's in pain, emotionally, he hits his head against the wall, one time he even made himself bleed at carpool. He was standing there, hitting his head on the corner of the wall in between classes. I saw and I didn't even think, I just went over to him and said, "Hey." I didn't ask him about it, I didn't ask if there was something wrong or been nosy and asked what it was, I just had a random conversation with him, about a book he was reading. I just stayed there, talking to him until his class started, and I think that's what he needed. And somehow I knew that.
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up, hopefully I'll be back soon.
Till next time,
- Mari
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