I took a deep breath before entering the school. I had enough time to punish myself once for ignoring my mother again at breakfast, the stinging in my right leg constantly reminding me of my mistake. I was at my locker when Akira approached me, a large duffle bag on his shoulder and his backpack on his back.
"So, we'll be walking to your house after school?"
Akira was looking at the ground rather than me, showing me he wasn't very comfortable. I gave a soft smile and nodded my head, "That sounds like a plan."
He hummed and walked away. It was a small conversation, but it was large enough for punishment. I made him uncomfortable; it was all my fault. I gathered my things and went to my first hour, keeping the number one in my head to make a tally mark in my notebook.
During dinner last night, I had asked my mother and father if I could have a friend over, knowing that Akira would do whatever the girls said. That's the kind of person Akira is. He's kind and will do anything that the girls would want. Even if it means that his pride gets hurt slightly, he'll do anything for them.
Oh no, the class started! Guess that means another tally mark in the good-old book. So I put in the tally mark and paid extra attention in class. The following courses before lunch went by faster than expected; it's incredible how much time passes if you don't look at the clock.
That was a hard habit to break. I found that looking at the clock was rude to the teacher. They're trying their best to teach a subject that no one wants to teach, so in return, we shouldn't be staring at the clock. I can't remember how often I had to punish myself for doing so; it took a while.
I was the last at the table, meaning my friends were waiting for me. Another mark that shall be put on my body. The girls talked while Akira and I sat and listened. After eating half of my school lunch, I put the rest in the middle. Akira and Dain split the food between themselves, my friends already knowing I have a small stomach. I've been doing this for so long that I actually can't eat more than half a meal.
The five-minute bell, time to pack up! I walked with Remee to her locker and then to mine. There's no need for punishment since Remee, and I have been walking to classes with one another forever. It wasn't a waste of her time because we would talk the whole way.
The last classes went by fast, and before I knew it, I was walking to my locker, Akira already there waiting for me. He was waiting for me, meaning I was wasting his time strolling. Punishment number four, and five, if you include the one I already did this morning. I smiled at Akira as he gave me a nod.
I put some items inside my locker while stuffing others into my backpack. Akira seemed to be anxious, considering how he was bouncing his leg. Finally, I closed my locker as quietly as possible, and Akira sat up from leaning on the lockers. We walked together, no words being said until we reached my house.
"So, this is where you live?"
I nodded, "My mother and father won't be home for another two hours, so we have the house to ourselves."
I unlocked the door and entered. I held the door for Akira and closed it when he came inside. Akira was standing awkwardly, and I smiled. It was a new side of him that I hadn't seen before. He's normally sulking or looking confident with whatever he's saying. I took off my shoes, telling Akira to do the same if he wanted to, which he did. Then, I led the way up the steps to my room.
The room was big enough for us to share, and the bed was made and ready for Akira to sleep in. It wouldn't be nice of me to make him sleep on the floor. I placed my backpack in the same spot it's always in and sat in the chair by my desk. Akira set his belongings down and shifted from one foot to the other.
"Um... where's your bathroom?"
"Go to the right to the end of the hall. It's the door to your left."
Akira thanked me, surprisingly, and followed my directions to the restroom. I took this moment, a perfect opportunity, to punish myself. I could always wait till Akira left tomorrow, but this was something that needed to be done daily.
I moved myself to the bed. Pants down, underwear rolled up, blade in hand. The cut from this morning was coated with dry blood, the wrapping a copper color. I removed the bandages and got to work.
One: for making Akira feel awkward.
Two: for not paying attention in class.
Three: for having my friends wa-.
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
I froze, blood pooling from the two-and-a-half cuts. I snapped my head as Akria rushed over and took the blade from my hand. He placed it on the other side of the room and ran back over to me, hands shaking above my legs as he tried to figure out what to do.
I numbly pulled open my drawer and took out the bandages and ointment. Akira didn't bother to ask any questions before taking them away from me. I shouldn't be this calm about getting caught. I should have shoved him out of the room, or yelled, or be crying, something! But I can't do anything... I'm numb. But I winced as his fingers brushed over the opened flesh, Akira mumbling a 'sorry.' I guess the only thing I can feel right now is pain. He worked on my thigh, carefully wrapping the white bandages around my leg.
With his work done, Akira looked over to my other leg, finding the other scars. He sighed, rubbing his eyes before sitting beside me on the bed. I stood up and adjusted my clothes back to their proper status. Akira didn't say anything; he just sighed and glanced at me.
I've hurt him. He's ashamed to be my friend and would rather do anything than be here now. I'm just a mistake, someone that only causes other people trouble. Punishments weren't going to make up for what just happened. Killing myself would never be an option, considering the aftermath would be more work for others. But what could I do? What else can I do for punishment?
"Max..." my thoughts stopped, and I turned to Akira, who was looking back at me. His eyes were dark, a lot darker than usual. His voice was also more profound; everything clearly showed that I pissed him off. But, hey! Maybe Akira could kill me!
"Don't you EVER fucking do that to yourself again."
Damn, maybe not. I softly smiled and looked to the ground, "I can't promise you that."
Akira growled, forcing my head back to him, "Tell me why. Why would you do this to yourself?!"
His eyes were cold, too. So dark... cold... why do I do it? Why? Is that the question that I should lie about to answer? Should I tell him what I thought?
"Now, Max."
I can't lie; I can't figure out how to punish myself correctly without getting caught, so how could I punish myself for something like lying? I felt like I was going to cry, the tears stinging in the back of my eyes and threatening to spill. At least I'm feeling again.
"Max, NOW!"
"I have to punish myself!"
"... what?"
The tears were spilling now. I forced my head out of Akira's hand and buried myself in my own, "I'm a waste of space, a being that should be made to serve others, but I selfishly take instead of give. I waste people's time, take food for myself rather than give it all to others, and I... I-."
"Max, you know that's not. You know that. You're smarter than that!"
"No, I'm fucking not! I waste people's time and energy. I would be better off dead! But that would mean that people would have to take care of me after I die. That's the last thing that I want to put people through."
"Listen to me!"
Akira grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing my arms down, so I had to look at him. I've never seen Akira this angry before. His brown eyes were wide, and some of his black hair fell into his face.
"You're not a fucking waste of space, OK? I'm happy to call you my friend, proud even. And if you ever do anything like this to yourself again, I'll beat the shit out of you! Maybe that'll knock some sense into you!"
I gave a soft smile, "Akira, I-"
"You're so fucking beautiful! Everything about you is breathtaking! You're wonderfully smart, you can't help but be extremely selfless, and you're easy to rely on! You're amazing and so fucking great that you deserve everything that comes to you from others. Max, I... I."
Why was he complimenting me? None of those things are true, so why would he lie to me like this? I'm selfish, and I deserve every punishment that comes to me. I'm so idiotic that I can't even hide what I do to myself! He's supposed to care about the girls, care for them, rather than waste his time with me! He should be...
How... what... his lips are so soft. His hand is resting on my face, cupping it so perfectly. His arm wrapped around my waist like it belonged there. I feel the bed press against my back, our lips dancing together in a rhythm we only knew. God, that sounded corny.
His hand rubbed under my shirt to feel my stomach as I wrapped my arms around his neck. It was slow at first, but now it's much faster. He moved away from my mouth and down to my neck, nibbling and sucking on the pale skin. I couldn't help but whimper under his touch.
"I love you, Max."
His voice was so deep, but it held a different tone than before. His hot breath rushed down my neck as a chill ran up my spine. His words, were they true?
"I love you so fucking much."
His hands ghosted over my thighs like he was afraid he might hurt me. The stinging was still there, but it didn't make much difference. With his weight on my chest and stomach, his lips gently pressing against my neck, everything slowed down.
"Stop this... please..." he begged.
He stopped his movements and slumped down. His body shook, and I felt something wet fall onto my shoulder. He was crying, wasn't he? The ultimate punishment is needed. While I can't kill myself, I'll move on to other parts of my body; my arms would be a great start. I raised my hand to pet his hair while my other arm hugged him tighter. I did this to him. I'm so selfish!
"Promise me, Max."
"Akira..."
"I'll be checking on you every day, OK? We'll walk to your house every day, and I'll check. I'm not letting you do this to yourself, Max. I can't. I won't!"
What was this? Was I crying now? Something hot was streaming down my face, but my voice remained calm. I didn't shake; I didn't stutter; I calmly spoke to Akira with a soft tone.
"I promise."
I need to punish myself again for lying.
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