I've never felt weirder at dinner than right now. Akira brought his chair over so he could sit next to me, our elbows close to touching. My father and mother sat in their usual seats and ate peacefully, and Akira seemed to be doing the same.
I looked down at my untouched food and poked it with my fork for a bit before scooping up some corn and placing it in my mouth. Anxiety struck me in an instant; could they hear me chew? Was I bothering them due to how much noise I was making? I only chewed three times before swallowing; the clump of mush in my mouth was hard to swallow.
I glanced around the table. My father and mother stared at their plates while Akira stopped eating. I had only looked at him briefly before feeling a hand rest on my own underneath the table. Akira continued to eat as normal, but I, on the other hand, felt like I was going to burst.
Akira said he liked me; technically, he 'loved me'. But that's not possible, right? Akira... Akira just doesn't swing that way, unlike me. Was it a joke? Did the girls tell him to do this? His grip grew tighter, and my blush deepened.
"Max, dear, are you alright?" my mother pressed her hand to my forehead, "You look a little warm."
I can't remember the excuse I made, but it seemed to work. My mother returned to eating, and I gave the rest to my father out of habit. Akira had finished and thanked my mother for the meal, which was preceded by my mother laughing and shooing him away.
With his hand still on mine, Akira pulled me towards the stairs while excusing us from the table. He took the steps two at a time with me dragging behind him. We made it to my room, and Akira shut the door behind us. He continued pulling me to the bed, pulling me into his lap. Wait, what? My blush deepened for the second time, and I felt Akira's arms wrap around me.
"You never gave me an answer, by the way. Well, I didn't ask but still."
"W-What do you mean?"
Akira chuckled, the vibrations from the action pushing through my back. He wrapped his left arm around my waist while the other reached up to my chin, forcing me to look back at him.
"Do you like me? Like... 'like' like me?"
I squealed at the words and forced my head out of his grip so I could look away from him. Do I like him? Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend, but I never thought of him as more than that. He and I were the least close out of the group, so how could he say he liked me? We barely knew each other.
But his touch, his lips on my neck once again, this feeling in my chest. No, I can't succumb to this... this... It felt too good to be true. No one could ever like me that way; I'm too selfish to deserve this kind of treatment.
"Please, tell me."
His hot breath, his low voice, his touch. It was becoming too much to handle. My head was spinning, my heart was racing, and, for once, the stinging in my thighs seemed to be a distant pain that didn't matter.
"I like you, Max."
I turned my head to him, a soft smirk resting on his lips. His lips. Could I feel them again? Is it selfish to want to kiss him again? Too long for his touch? Of course, it is! Stop thinking like this!
"I love you," his voice was low and just above a whisper.
What's wrong with me?!
I lunged after him, our lips connecting in an instant. I wrapped my arms around his neck, his arms around my waist. We fell back onto the bed, our heads facing the foot of the bed. I was straddling his hips... I was straddling his hips!
I moved my hands down Akira's chest, our lips rubbing together like animals. There was no rhythm that only we knew, just desperation for each other's touch. It wasn't anything like before. Do I like him? Why do I want him to kiss me more if I don't like him? Why do I want him to take me?
His tongue ghosted over my bottom lip, and I happily took him in. It felt so good~. How could anything feel this great? One of his hands tangled into my hair, softly tugging on it every now and then. How did he know what to do to make me a mess?
We switched positions, Akira hovering over me while our mouths separated. I took in deep, heavy breaths. I forgot what having oxygen was like. His brown eyes stared back into mine; what was in them? Desperation? Lust? Was it a mix of both? I couldn't tell.
"Do. You. Like. Me?"
Tears formed in my eyes. I want him so bad~. But was that it? Did I just want him for that?
"Your body is telling me that you like me, but do you like me the way I like you?"
Everything felt warm, my tears mixing with the coat of sweat on my face. My body? God, yes, I want him~! But that's too selfish of me to do that. I'd be playing with his heart. I don't know if I like him like that! I don't know!
"I'm at my limit, Max. Tell me."
"I don't know! OK?! I just... I..."
A sad smile, sorrowful eyes, did I break his heart?! I should have said yes. I should have told him I liked him, and then I wouldn't be so selfish!
"Don't worry, baby~."
My eyes widened, and my heart tightened. I let my arms fall onto the bed as Akira leaned down to my ear.
"I'll make you fall in love with me. Your body won't be able to forget about me, even if you want it to."
His lips were on my neck again; God, how is he so good at that? I felt his hand slide down my body. With one hand, he masterfully unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans. Relief filled my body; I didn't realize how tight everything was down there.
"Well now, looks like I'm doing the right thing, hm?"
My face couldn't blush any more than it already was. I gasped, feeling Akira rub against my thigh, gently tracing over the cut skin. Then he pulled away, my neck left feeling cold and bruised. He sat up on his knees then sat on his feet, both of his hands tracing my cuts.
"And this? What did I tell you would happen if this happens again?"
"Akira..."
"I'll make you stop, whether you want to or not."
He then flopped down beside me, pulling me into his chest. I was confused; what was happening again? I'm hard as a rock, and being left like this?! No, no, stop thinking selfishly! He's tired. Think about him instead of yourself!
"This is your punishment, Max," my mind stopped, listening to Akira's warm, dark voice, "I'll check on you every day after school. I find one cut, and I'll leave you so desperate for pleasure that I'll have you begging for it. Now, if you're good, and I don't see any mark on you that you made yourself, I'll fill you with so much bliss that you'll forget your name."
Fuck... that doesn't sound that bad? Is that wrong for me to think that? To think that I could feel so good for once in my life by someone who cares about me. Wait... stop thinking like that!
Akira doesn't care about you; no one will ever care about you. You're too selfish, too stupid, and too different from everyone else. You're so pathetic, useless, and such a bother to everyone that your breathing is annoying. You could just off yourself to save everyone the energy of looking at you, but that would mean that they would have to bury you, and you're not worth the effort.
"Maxie, baby~."
You'll just waste his time!
"I love you."
Tell him to stop!
"And you'll love me back."
Tell him that it'll never happen. Break his heart before you break it more with more time. Just shatter him now instead of prolonging the inevitable.
"I'll be the one to knock you back into reality. I'll be your hero. And you'll belong to me~."
"Akira..."
"Welp! It's pretty late. Let's get some sleep, shall we?"
My body was back to normal, my face a normal color, and my heart beating normally. I guess hating yourself is good for something like this. I felt Akira pull me in closer, a deep chuckle rising from his chest as he made me snuggle into him.
"Good night, love."
Wow, Akira is warm. Have I said this already? Maybe not, but still. God, he's warm! After everything that's happened today, my body is what it is, so I could feel it start to shut down.
I know it's selfish, and I'll need to punish myself later for it, but damn, did it feel good to cuddle against Akira. I let his warmth consume me. I let him hold me in his big arms and listened to his soft snores. I could feel his breath against my hair.
Everything was... right. It felt so right to be like this. To be next to someone who knows the darkest secret I could ever hold. To be held close by someone who still wants to be around me.
God, I've got to stop thinking like that. I already said I don't like him; there's no going back after that. Right? I'm only wanting him for one thing right now; that's it. And that... that's just not fair to him.
Why did he have to fall for me? Why couldn't he be normal and fall in love with one of the girls? Either of them would be so much better than me! Or even a girl from our class, not even from our group!
I mentally sighed. For once, the thousands of thoughts in my head took their toll. I've never been this mentally exhausted. Wait... this... God, this is weird to say... but... he smells... great.
The fuck? Is that fucking coconut? This guy, this full-on man, washes with coconut body wash. Damn, it smells good. Like, really good. I took a deep breath, taking the scent in and holding it for a moment before letting out my breath.
Not only was he warm, but he smells amazing too! What the fuck?! What's happening to me?! This is only something that a sappy couple would say. We're not a sappy couple! We're not anything!
We're... we're...
How is he this warm?
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