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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0CTLE8HZn
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcYmNlN74J
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzr7uBYp3pA
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1U2mMBhkV8
Hmm... 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkbbWHq54z
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ360SYJv66J
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgNQ8vndGTM
"You can have have all the adult toys."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vhW1mIy4w
Except for the pecker enhancer!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrjLJ1FRFMr
"That's all I need..."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4JI7yo5Zvh
"Wait!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxXK54gG2M
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tMul5EjNK
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5DJdG6Egau
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssoV1qFvit
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsFSVbVC8W
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡplVqw0PyfA
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvCrH6NdNu
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWrAhzPB2s
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKux0fALbuy
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcN16cgIa3F
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxEKehd3GD
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN60MdtByL9
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHVWdguQYjk
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsqZ4fFXOYV
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqmpRM9mQJ2
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokYNYnsZI3
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQaWgnhDuAb
(Sarah laughs)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWtDKJAhLo
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV5LHjxnQ9w
"Gosh Darn!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZr9PRvK0WH
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4F8fzLSP5S
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmvHPZCMLpd
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUowgsFVTMU
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyMGtaUgz5j
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc7uJt0svF5
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvIspBOgSq
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUgidbyJMhY
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeh6N4DK9M
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC4W8M4OUdE
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡleJSAHRqFN
(Sarah says what)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4D5L5j7RXb
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPMGOCrMmFw
(he laughs and Sarah winks)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpebJDwTsHL
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7X0Uu8eQY2
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw53QacozR0
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSau5EAWfRw
(Keith laughs hard)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIxYoh8pTsw
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ifYSsSm4W
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJkaLfPzrMU
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTVrADMVL9
Honey,289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsj2lH8SBKr
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlenDtGURUY
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4U5pH9XyDt
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUUmn1Jn28t
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwuXwZjbisw
Keith says,289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQ5mmJ31VK
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8QrT5kqDl
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvX1Rycqhwg
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2S3yCyeka3
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0RE0w3PEN7
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3BDtQZSuq
"Ground beef!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUZIg8VhyS
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHAYoDN6hdD
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmdqtYECtms
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXUkiuWYnw
Lawsuits.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUi3lbptej
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4DrNafFV7R
Keith's friends knew him as the 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdxSaVUZsjI
Clown Jester of Bakersville.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzfqm6lrBC
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkompUxprG
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoT3lI5sXLN
Because he was so outstanding in his field!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoSRRBZIgVL
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR58CWlfJT7
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrbKA1EwRR
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJO0Shhk1gs
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡviFsqIkXVQ
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXihzfcXVFx
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tITkaOpNU
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39NoieFWcw
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPEBABgMeHv
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKQ1wq2Hrx
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4X2FTd1ee0
Having heard them all before, many times.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dM4tuFNAJ
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoqxwLqdnr
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyh8JpLnpPZ
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFEqSJADton
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKiG4pkClE
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt2SZpGijCz
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2aQqxoMBSG
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4GQg1AOOS
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoF13DEoab
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡenb2YuDkZD
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5yQHPjn07
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiaKBRLOcgU
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAO6JYyt8sQ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb1Yz0VoSLi
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWMthX0b0rr
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIjmCqicXKV
(audience chuckles)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblxUbJzr20
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyZfepJAId
I haven't heard from him since.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyEjoOdeO1z
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSchzq3A6Q
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOR57mveBtt
(audience laughing)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJSCS5tFCc
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3fUpzJJdZl
She still isn't talking to me.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9cxP7twHzN
(Keith smiles)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRyROeDbK8E
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYuZtfJB8Oo
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvffDr01dv
but I am on the fence!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtgp7vrReSv
(audience laughing hard)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEMK6FcI4z
[He gets on a roll]289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4wGjcxMpF
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡokczf5CJC3
She gave me a hug!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYgwNdKR5dr
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtmXqUtrKTS
Hey!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaVAFVFKDN
What is the worst combination of illnesses?289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFoDWvWpnGD
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEJTgylbsR6
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgujJTITpN0
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQkVybK1zLU
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmtRsN444PH
How do you get a squirrel to like you?289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp7upjtTEWB
Act like a nut.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYsUgL4lBr5
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmwi08SIZaS
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86FtKCVdZP
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzGaxHSns6
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayUmXmojyQ
So I Left.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMqw44twE1d
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFvCKQ7Lg3
"The steaks were pretty high!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnTpZO7jPw
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUlgkcMCpW
Goodnight!"289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBW6yV150F8
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7A8qtCrJS
He went home happier289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VIbM4zyjO
than he ever
Dreamed!289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjj9ZpR11oT
289Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6y5aqPjxN
© Charles Kemp
ns 15.158.61.51da2
