My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 223Please respect copyright.PENANAvaLyIupq5i
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAEE0uGHijhd
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)223Please respect copyright.PENANAZ264Zz40Zv
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."223Please respect copyright.PENANA8GsKUSROGg
Hmm... 223Please respect copyright.PENANAFItZ3AM6ck
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 223Please respect copyright.PENANAhtaocrug7A
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 223Please respect copyright.PENANAIFqvpwLhXX
"You can have have all the adult toys."223Please respect copyright.PENANAE3RarDPu90
Except for the pecker enhancer!223Please respect copyright.PENANA4S1chUFpot
"That's all I need..."223Please respect copyright.PENANAk2RyHfUNwy
"Wait!"223Please respect copyright.PENANA8XXXPKvnqt
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?223Please respect copyright.PENANAteBrfQ5byn
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 223Please respect copyright.PENANAD5UHQnPQdP
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 223Please respect copyright.PENANAsA7GvdPQh5
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)223Please respect copyright.PENANAnoUsoJ9Ljh
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAIVhnHui1K8
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"223Please respect copyright.PENANAdVRg5i71ya
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!223Please respect copyright.PENANA7N6REjy29C
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?223Please respect copyright.PENANAy2Vvnhrzfw
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!223Please respect copyright.PENANA1NNO35Fyyv
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 223Please respect copyright.PENANAQjQfASc2uO
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...223Please respect copyright.PENANAwOsioBHGKQ
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...223Please respect copyright.PENANAhmBL2rfLoX
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you223Please respect copyright.PENANAT1qDQdA3x2
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.223Please respect copyright.PENANAicPHmAtLtw
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.223Please respect copyright.PENANAmOrNCIYLX0
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"223Please respect copyright.PENANASTG8v1QWbf
(Sarah laughs)223Please respect copyright.PENANA6a1CcVNI0J
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."223Please respect copyright.PENANAPRqJDYjbII
"Gosh Darn!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAGbNCYzHEoZ
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...223Please respect copyright.PENANAcyVFTOtSKy
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 223Please respect copyright.PENANAfeOdp6YqlD
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)223Please respect copyright.PENANATr8igeDtR9
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAf5S0KMFATy
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 223Please respect copyright.PENANAmdR0iUxPyG
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."223Please respect copyright.PENANARlInbjn9Ri
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 223Please respect copyright.PENANAJrcFr6aMRt
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.223Please respect copyright.PENANAUxH9MNQvbE
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...223Please respect copyright.PENANAkuGGAmfjT3
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"223Please respect copyright.PENANAq9eH8kch93
(Sarah says what)223Please respect copyright.PENANAMWQMW4b60w
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."223Please respect copyright.PENANAvIjd34GEK8
(he laughs and Sarah winks)223Please respect copyright.PENANAQlLEQ93xC5
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 223Please respect copyright.PENANAd5kiRHYEOz
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 223Please respect copyright.PENANARh9Qub2oTW
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAmKZsahJ8I8
(Keith laughs hard)223Please respect copyright.PENANAFty2e7wx9g
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"223Please respect copyright.PENANATbCEr7Q14u
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.223Please respect copyright.PENANAdqTNnh90mY
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)223Please respect copyright.PENANA85noGGWyyf
Honey,223Please respect copyright.PENANALrNyyN8BNf
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 223Please respect copyright.PENANAoe6z5WCOCu
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?223Please respect copyright.PENANATkXuAPFGYl
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!223Please respect copyright.PENANAV2zt5IOcaF
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)223Please respect copyright.PENANACoctsoCFcv
Keith says,223Please respect copyright.PENANA3lgIjNwIqd
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?223Please respect copyright.PENANAK94v5uPNUI
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."223Please respect copyright.PENANAGXnoXyOM0F
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)223Please respect copyright.PENANAUi8MXvgtHl
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 223Please respect copyright.PENANACkcrhY9wX9
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"223Please respect copyright.PENANAcrza2YxwHw
"Ground beef!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAFAFtjxKkiM
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.223Please respect copyright.PENANAyYGOYOlaeU
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 223Please respect copyright.PENANAJlmF7u3oGz
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 223Please respect copyright.PENANANCsycItZ50
Lawsuits.223Please respect copyright.PENANAAdgzOdoqoa
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.223Please respect copyright.PENANA15znAN6404
Keith's friends knew him as the 223Please respect copyright.PENANATe7VOG2d1V
Clown Jester of Bakersville.223Please respect copyright.PENANAzlgzFqFUbq
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 223Please respect copyright.PENANArtEm14F1eg
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"223Please respect copyright.PENANAp4rEq91u2M
Because he was so outstanding in his field!223Please respect copyright.PENANAD6GvoYBbQQ
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.223Please respect copyright.PENANAR7DOK01U5D
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.223Please respect copyright.PENANABxEDBZSP2Q
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 223Please respect copyright.PENANA1gSkB8frC8
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.223Please respect copyright.PENANAGqs11aGqe8
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"223Please respect copyright.PENANAxcfQauf4B6
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.223Please respect copyright.PENANAQgzSKfaATf
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.223Please respect copyright.PENANAw0yPrAsVsh
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 223Please respect copyright.PENANAk3RaHykJ8T
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.223Please respect copyright.PENANAlxpMhpMn7Q
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 223Please respect copyright.PENANAE9cPDVyIe6
Having heard them all before, many times.223Please respect copyright.PENANADJuYp41sFj
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.223Please respect copyright.PENANAkwuOQj2g2i
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 223Please respect copyright.PENANAKjdTDEdjBQ
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.223Please respect copyright.PENANAnmHGuN8Xcr
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 223Please respect copyright.PENANA0pD7cTXaPk
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.223Please respect copyright.PENANAAipKmVganc
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.223Please respect copyright.PENANASPPmuCgcrL
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.223Please respect copyright.PENANACFPGrYBprd
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.223Please respect copyright.PENANATH2sQKtuWY
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.223Please respect copyright.PENANALdBhIRPblt
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.223Please respect copyright.PENANAEF5K9nXrfg
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.223Please respect copyright.PENANAaBOPi4EoCM
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.223Please respect copyright.PENANAXWsKLdslfV
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.223Please respect copyright.PENANA5vhvPude3p
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)223Please respect copyright.PENANAyA19eg5wWQ
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!223Please respect copyright.PENANAJrfUBgeHFW
(audience chuckles)223Please respect copyright.PENANAP3GqnEUMVL
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."223Please respect copyright.PENANAka8T6eASdh
I haven't heard from him since.223Please respect copyright.PENANA0WrKKh3L4x
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."223Please respect copyright.PENANAQRCwA0hsn9
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.223Please respect copyright.PENANA1i1TW8rowc
(audience laughing)223Please respect copyright.PENANArzRNkO8f0S
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 223Please respect copyright.PENANAljHEyDjfo2
She still isn't talking to me.223Please respect copyright.PENANAyHvzAavrpQ
(Keith smiles)223Please respect copyright.PENANAwujDRBmpoC
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'223Please respect copyright.PENANAsMAu0CUFHG
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 223Please respect copyright.PENANALvgdmJvCBp
but I am on the fence!223Please respect copyright.PENANAVVmF1RDgES
(audience laughing hard)223Please respect copyright.PENANAjSTU1wQeLh
[He gets on a roll]223Please respect copyright.PENANAXu06asUvcq
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 223Please respect copyright.PENANA42Ii18h4CG
She gave me a hug!223Please respect copyright.PENANAtyjV374nNt
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."223Please respect copyright.PENANAc3L2RxwueZ
Hey!223Please respect copyright.PENANAKYufc0DJdV
What is the worst combination of illnesses?223Please respect copyright.PENANAjXjEb22wpQ
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."223Please respect copyright.PENANAi4vEb1t5LX
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"223Please respect copyright.PENANA7Y7pCNs5VB
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"223Please respect copyright.PENANA1PRnuWutML
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."223Please respect copyright.PENANAKKoMSzeM0u
How do you get a squirrel to like you?223Please respect copyright.PENANA90x1K86LSg
Act like a nut.223Please respect copyright.PENANApjTYyAQjfZ
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.223Please respect copyright.PENANAti5G9RNhxf
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.223Please respect copyright.PENANAwHlJscmqbr
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.223Please respect copyright.PENANANAl31WOKWH
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 223Please respect copyright.PENANA2oaQXSgSz4
So I Left.223Please respect copyright.PENANA5pS5nQKPj8
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.223Please respect copyright.PENANAy3hpEzxyEM
"The steaks were pretty high!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAb8gwBacK0i
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."223Please respect copyright.PENANAH02M6K0zOS
Goodnight!"223Please respect copyright.PENANAw0Z7W40wJr
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)223Please respect copyright.PENANADaycbIVdvZ
He went home happier223Please respect copyright.PENANAzzUHXjzIKD
than he ever
Dreamed!223Please respect copyright.PENANAsBgAfzZEXc
223Please respect copyright.PENANAPnggs8rT3n
© Charles Kemp
ns 15.158.61.17da2