x
My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTnV1DdOvqK
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMO0NkY3AKe
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxk9hbaAMJi
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdjGLmGowEr
Hmm... 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ05yBH29faG
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqsIEPRmjGa
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtWVzLeJ7z
"You can have have all the adult toys."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡysx61OQceG
Except for the pecker enhancer!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlrLNRQP7cM
"That's all I need..."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1aCyZH1FjD
"Wait!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡip2HPyCAOf
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nSckyaeMx
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96Plxkfh9x
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SJN7Mk7aB
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQezsGXVbYB
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9FeYnhkUc
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3nL34LLX8m
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3JhlITUMx
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEL8ZyFIeWV
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWROjm3eTi8
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4NwT7zFOim
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqUyBSUQnc6
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ47zwKoxD0n
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHB0de7NWrp
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHko1l4mbeh
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYFkIQcKoG
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4IQBMF3OOP
(Sarah laughs)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9RykRoDIo
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG3Evjz7nGz
"Gosh Darn!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXoHE4axsW
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqWKgO5LsW6
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrO08AAemcS
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm51y8KrTty
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPd4YFNeKue
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJTJjFR7HjL
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwBYhuD5lRd
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzXXvEMInyp
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQnL1RBhU8
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5j7lkxf7Z
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡayUU0lC7zS
(Sarah says what)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOiF9v2FUm6
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBzoQphyBY
(he laughs and Sarah winks)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1jtacTzG8
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQfx21CELI
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Mcd2ksUWD
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjXyuTPwBT
(Keith laughs hard)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIiuEvnT0Y
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNi4dbRdAX
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6lHVJy77P
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6txjLf4h8
Honey,377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlNyEYTpiL2
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxLFmSK6DWq
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡly8JYENshr
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmydcoDNh8
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyWy5epo6f
Keith says,377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡafFQRo4fXf
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1kVfvHGULa
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzC3qOcr0J9
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0BCx6Ka78n
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbJdFoJW8YT
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgrgw8qTCtw
"Ground beef!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz7VV9unr8H
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8eZBwVzqo
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡArSvdnlqAq
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAz3lWInYtN
Lawsuits.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSMCjMB9KY
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rnGEWtgjX
Keith's friends knew him as the 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHaBhapvcyd
Clown Jester of Bakersville.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbbyXjGjDz
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS5PXXhAzbV
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsbCoMFFv2h
Because he was so outstanding in his field!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsrHgZ0Jh1r
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRalW4yOKA
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxRvDaBBLe
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiEleYPe3J
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPSXWMhMSQ
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6LHAqZf18
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNcEi3HDyJc
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs6uNhKvpKL
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpBA8ps6u9Z
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPGe7YnSjS
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGAtsdKBiM
Having heard them all before, many times.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbhqgn0uYS
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8yT1h6876Y
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDdMZ9t97A
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxN5Ydhps0P
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnvktemchw
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmPS65RzKq
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4L9Ia2NUv8
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrLVtM0y0Lh
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66uzYxy6YG
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZpf5qrXZij
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71tdW1nFNi
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkHnEvyTnSc
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr1pFXopKoJ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsHnSdj18x7
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfqL4muXQNx
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8KgZcNMli
(audience chuckles)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOueTI9zecT
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjO7eqOLC4R
I haven't heard from him since.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ02mcNUm17
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMGuAJjXLf
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡccNP3gfZvT
(audience laughing)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxGo7AMnQU
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmNDcC7xXo7
She still isn't talking to me.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkK62IFjvvq
(Keith smiles)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ7Pq8NdFkK
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzW7BNDQvoJ
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1D1b8bPvA
but I am on the fence!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKovi7YgahI
(audience laughing hard)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnkNQYLC2gk
[He gets on a roll]377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqObQtZl3p
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Lfvh4Nx9V
She gave me a hug!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0s0lnN5wTH
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQYZmo1QP3
Hey!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFskxhKNt9Q
What is the worst combination of illnesses?377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU1KeYDMjGW
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2yYRhvBW5O
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo2sMCpibrd
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYtjCw8pe9W
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaH2UkoGCPQ
How do you get a squirrel to like you?377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeb37VamEUJ
Act like a nut.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupl3kZ6xZE
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmVbLHHJkp
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGzfM0KiMhr
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUU3X6qmK5
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2vgVLhcoaH
So I Left.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFmKdUGIBy
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTMnBL1aqgC
"The steaks were pretty high!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7TiTRY82v
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqcRLAuKbuZ
Goodnight!"377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2s0Y8rfVC8
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyp8ILAv7Tk
He went home happier377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLd0EVbEQwo
than he ever
Dreamed!377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtUxSEJqE61
377Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh8N1Ful5Vi
© Charles Kemp
ns3.145.35.99da2
