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My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6HFIhFYUQV
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEMvH5dvhS5
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVNgz6Vgb2
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCtkuxhTUdI
Hmm... 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9Q520Zz73
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnutuVRSIfd
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpJ7Z3Cjwyz
"You can have have all the adult toys."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcj5wmsdQv4
Except for the pecker enhancer!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxB8L0AAcb
"That's all I need..."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJOIJLC61Tj
"Wait!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWSKC8Dmkd3
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQPhPhZXl1V
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSTCGyZAYuA
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlfK0cOp0c
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5pQSgd21l
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡykq3Xn4hx2
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZQpoAOnRcb
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMuh9S8SNn
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYVeFvt5O4
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmPqAm3IjSc
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlIxalPWQSb
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTzXZtdFD9
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqoLNWE1UV
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTCVcyPO9NS
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YP9LXFWOr
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfjZTH19lFd
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn574ADGxWV
(Sarah laughs)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWNWYb3zcF
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRLR5W67MA
"Gosh Darn!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVXMABdscO
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxa3WkqQCe
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cjhNnXOTq
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡicPmfOzqm8
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnS8glssnB
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVeR9WCvxii
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡulXUuXx0zX
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hMV4kqk9g
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6N0HKoDHtZ
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSgbLxRgRd
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbN1frubokq
(Sarah says what)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4evvPKkPd5
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3aHO2USVrA
(he laughs and Sarah winks)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKFaiBokaGZ
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkweQ8eDyS
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ21JNCB08ib
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvMq5ddsLh1
(Keith laughs hard)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ06FtiUnrao
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXegDsZKyOe
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnADHJiMTek
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpxzvXObhD
Honey,378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPLNSzl4Ai
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYErC6P2S5
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2NMRJ46DJ3
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrod54Kur8e
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDszh5tg3WF
Keith says,378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq9Bhh3XPz1
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxbXKiXSHE
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2DAXWO8s1
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡesVsJnhTQo
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCEFA1VYLf
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOEHuMIGRaH
"Ground beef!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7w3kD7fS2c
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6CBw2d1OAV
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ52PmKixmA3
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxw8Kq7E3l
Lawsuits.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxXBtNqUxx
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0tHiq4ZDa
Keith's friends knew him as the 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPDIbuk1vj
Clown Jester of Bakersville.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvQANxJUpTn
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkcll609x1W
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDrXJo0oH6I
Because he was so outstanding in his field!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdHjatjttZ9
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvqY73sgD6v
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekc5sXsJRe
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwk6vX5E9Jp
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmzAecPZdii
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhkBOUPPQSV
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeUfGlUhd3
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86V04ouktZ
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmQkyI9KArt
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1ikLAATwF
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP3KB9de426
Having heard them all before, many times.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQa7r0px9Iy
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI4eWASegFZ
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡitkKvuiBiK
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB7HyxaOqZl
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUKjLjKjbgw
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQz87KVP4Tg
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWXWsRFJm3V
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjdOq4eUaE
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡixiKWKf9Lm
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR887dencOg
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgI0axB381S
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHgaapsN61
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77EitWEiYU
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SC37J9k28
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5u3btDPdq
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX6hvCxYeJe
(audience chuckles)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyVmXQcG4Km
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlERNuUIfuR
I haven't heard from him since.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ44r6xxAFHx
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5z4hHs6bUi
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlgkb6qWWs8
(audience laughing)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwh8FlR7naY
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2FgnzF1hO
She still isn't talking to me.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXIVcSFMcKU
(Keith smiles)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYkoRPlBKv
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiMXIrxZMga
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡImFk8e2qCf
but I am on the fence!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeZvMRnVfcR
(audience laughing hard)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXZScv3YNyr
[He gets on a roll]378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOwHB1hYqD
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpV3S2zOGn2
She gave me a hug!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMOfhdaoFv3
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4bxAkrpdI
Hey!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZYqMrYv0oI
What is the worst combination of illnesses?378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxhfmTkH5rB
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡisc6AO0xUN
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDfUT2cPcQi
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMgjCn6uyZ
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbaJIQcswhY
How do you get a squirrel to like you?378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3vyBRIHmbn
Act like a nut.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbWcd55hhH
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp0EKhb9OMl
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUibfpC01d
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXEaTJarhrf
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRdJgknnQh
So I Left.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMx4AXynHSq
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefXsO3AlSi
"The steaks were pretty high!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DZiSNa8a7
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh1QtE0Wh8y
Goodnight!"378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa8mumHKvuX
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3M5c3BmIb1
He went home happier378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8amgW1m1d
than he ever
Dreamed!378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQfs46fkBW
378Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhSAvW9GOkb
© Charles Kemp
ns3.135.219.55da2
