x
My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSn7pdtBnhC
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzLQrkhHn98
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlsBAKSmEI4
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB26ftagxiT
Hmm... 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvgaZqmfHou
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCIjfAR3Ik
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡprlPM2ojDf
"You can have have all the adult toys."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLeaIKg0sqi
Except for the pecker enhancer!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsEgIxdPJO
"That's all I need..."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lzRm0pbvh
"Wait!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2W1sLnhEk
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VowjpcCfF
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAnXazk55wk
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvR0d3l08m8
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7HdEwt2hA
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQFhJ9UIw16
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡszBvYIINzh
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUT5jJlbALK
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9sxwWt6GPT
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dzvbIqTEz
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHDccfO33A
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEgnCZrLECA
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrPtesu7QO
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiPbedr3D3y
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdMuZNlNtq1
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoK2dqFF7qd
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULopJG0RkX
(Sarah laughs)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxrJoHBSgY
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiWHgVSsW2Z
"Gosh Darn!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbNvJpzXwa
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0UpdHv6RxC
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSjKNFyD4TP
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRzbzbSu0Vj
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpn9JwWlYWr
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKKiRrosGA
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6beegunjJS
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPFy1A3w1JB
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96aIUnqIKa
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbHCSQ5Y82
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5I3kNa05Zt
(Sarah says what)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg79VAvaIsb
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe0VJXaeFTu
(he laughs and Sarah winks)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKJrbyqEMo
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wSi68tbOM
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4VDhfPwjhp
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXcaxzJyZ7
(Keith laughs hard)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkj8XDWWl1d
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQYN9FYaZV
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eFq6EG50c
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkqjOqLToq9
Honey,290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXcRszGhQhY
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOawDqi7nuP
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyzB3KS8H2l
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5ZGDK7hkb3
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQTynuDVgL
Keith says,290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMucn6FJ4Ro
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8HZcYcX13Q
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXcN99u6C3
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0brfpCGtbq
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGcq5Ct2GO
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyXUxzcknZw
"Ground beef!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEr0I7MOw5g
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgTDcF5w9O
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7la9pqnJpv
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nga57xXMn
Lawsuits.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGidEQ5vDPb
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VYXNB7ew0
Keith's friends knew him as the 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7azoyi5OjV
Clown Jester of Bakersville.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5x65nu3o4j
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzllHz2EMI
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwFzcheve1d
Because he was so outstanding in his field!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROB5vZIJps
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7VA1Kmw6Kz
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc4KFRWHckS
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWOpunuXiJh
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekfQTQnMgi
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNto81axY7X
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy3sekZDO80
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnCv8fPVpZj
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWFjxLTpt62
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAZZypZwjbP
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQiyeMcTV9u
Having heard them all before, many times.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxR6jPACHz
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGZQQMBIG71
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIcchLbbmoT
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvXyzYLxt9I
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ84AQKAoidC
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJhfmr37x9V
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLtA5SuoT0Q
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHbUzyeFoM
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMsxg7cSdh
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGnBT8yKShT
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNH7sL3roNd
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAs2bN0NFb
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrmaovrp8Sz
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSXLMZVU4dQ
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3c6a2aTTej
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWth4A6m8Kl
(audience chuckles)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCkyGVzr3n7
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8kMiCNnUQ
I haven't heard from him since.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfCFTPFUwt
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6wOLx84Zcy
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeL05jQSQwE
(audience laughing)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡISNwQ2TDtB
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjSS7KD6LWK
She still isn't talking to me.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHPYWnSRKfn
(Keith smiles)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkuwF0QcII
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYJJ2eTfWe
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkHFweWXv6
but I am on the fence!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0br033UO2
(audience laughing hard)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjE9nDIol7
[He gets on a roll]290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡto4kOLVGHe
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjsJTLW8LA
She gave me a hug!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalOZozsz6o
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhUAtlOHXw
Hey!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QmfyKW2g4
What is the worst combination of illnesses?290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl09ScI2XKz
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3EWGztEuv
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVPBBteKRf8
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ1b5zv9CO6
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4Oz7OHxw2
How do you get a squirrel to like you?290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxuIr4btQQy
Act like a nut.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeH3IDxZJ8V
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvKTMu3WBfe
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUe6pc9bAAi
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvYAMmezgW
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Wdkyy6y5p
So I Left.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzvAlJWmUW
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYEcKtkaDLc
"The steaks were pretty high!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ49d1ZU8bdq
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlMlITPR3Ej
Goodnight!"290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fDMqOmoQB
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyCv2nFVd2Z
He went home happier290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQs67CfCQlt
than he ever
Dreamed!290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNx9WA9MLk1
290Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf92idklH8j
© Charles Kemp
ns 15.158.61.48da2
