My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 222Please respect copyright.PENANA49xrv9Fosy
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAn9CxPzwOiH
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)222Please respect copyright.PENANAGhrmAA38KK
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."222Please respect copyright.PENANAAfMVUtHCiY
Hmm... 222Please respect copyright.PENANAZZboMym5uG
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAtBlJZl2xbg
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAuuCgCTJ68s
"You can have have all the adult toys."222Please respect copyright.PENANA45WosrgCIj
Except for the pecker enhancer!222Please respect copyright.PENANAswnKrBILu3
"That's all I need..."222Please respect copyright.PENANA8Qir83sZ8A
"Wait!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAhjpDJPMfoo
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?222Please respect copyright.PENANALS7zmyNbiE
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 222Please respect copyright.PENANA2uRD9pVPfG
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 222Please respect copyright.PENANALHZpF7t32D
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)222Please respect copyright.PENANAlLdaY6pZ20
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAmmK5m2oxqY
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"222Please respect copyright.PENANAZ0EtLVCSHt
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!222Please respect copyright.PENANAYVzukNhCSQ
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?222Please respect copyright.PENANAqHIXa915JK
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!222Please respect copyright.PENANA6lpEvxgoes
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 222Please respect copyright.PENANAZguqtKg7cz
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...222Please respect copyright.PENANAB0vGqh60L5
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...222Please respect copyright.PENANAi42w8GxbbU
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you222Please respect copyright.PENANAYZ0w0JMoJC
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.222Please respect copyright.PENANAq3gyER2MI6
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.222Please respect copyright.PENANADZGKKcnZWN
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAI5e6iAtQRz
(Sarah laughs)222Please respect copyright.PENANAHVrRkOd13U
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."222Please respect copyright.PENANA8yFRZxJXBO
"Gosh Darn!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAExsDLnuCmK
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...222Please respect copyright.PENANAUCL67XnfUI
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 222Please respect copyright.PENANAfPg1IhJOO5
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)222Please respect copyright.PENANAsnOjYwyyVU
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAVjpXZWRiUp
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 222Please respect copyright.PENANA6fhfLM04No
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."222Please respect copyright.PENANAfjQOnsm5ai
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAyjcPwBcJK5
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.222Please respect copyright.PENANAAYsgZLNibT
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...222Please respect copyright.PENANA5BSrxdvBDP
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"222Please respect copyright.PENANA7n5o8FlYYj
(Sarah says what)222Please respect copyright.PENANAAHSplwAWEC
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."222Please respect copyright.PENANAzYyqH4H6xp
(he laughs and Sarah winks)222Please respect copyright.PENANApt2QHRKTyb
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 222Please respect copyright.PENANApV2k9hLA5g
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 222Please respect copyright.PENANAsckOT6Hh3q
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAE4LdrXGzH4
(Keith laughs hard)222Please respect copyright.PENANAqG1MYj6kmn
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAzY1qhQYnvY
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.222Please respect copyright.PENANAXlyo8J7wnw
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)222Please respect copyright.PENANATnKASOS3ty
Honey,222Please respect copyright.PENANAsBKbpz802N
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 222Please respect copyright.PENANAI9oBDzrpbO
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?222Please respect copyright.PENANAa9K5o2pLni
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!222Please respect copyright.PENANAp7TKlM62ik
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)222Please respect copyright.PENANAqW8JESrwSF
Keith says,222Please respect copyright.PENANAHZrpKEQiqO
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?222Please respect copyright.PENANAun53Pai25N
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."222Please respect copyright.PENANApEKVH5s5Rb
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)222Please respect copyright.PENANAWMr2qIpH1r
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAFywjnaTPjq
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"222Please respect copyright.PENANAA501PYeqhE
"Ground beef!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAxNDXgBWHDl
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.222Please respect copyright.PENANAX55CdB0hSC
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAcCPWufs38X
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 222Please respect copyright.PENANApsQQhslk7T
Lawsuits.222Please respect copyright.PENANAwOOKTjUnRt
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.222Please respect copyright.PENANAh3Ks2H8ai1
Keith's friends knew him as the 222Please respect copyright.PENANAC4xik2yR2S
Clown Jester of Bakersville.222Please respect copyright.PENANATC1etV2kSa
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 222Please respect copyright.PENANAOI68bjiUrX
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"222Please respect copyright.PENANAEw3CWm5kxz
Because he was so outstanding in his field!222Please respect copyright.PENANAZlOo3K2Num
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.222Please respect copyright.PENANA10bPEcHYcw
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.222Please respect copyright.PENANA1x7keEPeQe
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAksp6X0WlXo
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.222Please respect copyright.PENANATMlaSiy9St
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"222Please respect copyright.PENANAllkdQ0e5rV
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.222Please respect copyright.PENANAIXyT9J62Wj
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.222Please respect copyright.PENANApVqW39hlLp
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAswLjIRzASG
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.222Please respect copyright.PENANA7ApDEMWuHs
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAWv4QJRp9sP
Having heard them all before, many times.222Please respect copyright.PENANAi5tj8TGDxc
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.222Please respect copyright.PENANAiaVdUYY908
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 222Please respect copyright.PENANAhm6wN73n5b
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.222Please respect copyright.PENANAuRlPPl9dc4
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 222Please respect copyright.PENANARQDVfcutBH
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.222Please respect copyright.PENANArGI2OEDXnk
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.222Please respect copyright.PENANAsEgeku6UqF
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.222Please respect copyright.PENANAPuZhpYga5u
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.222Please respect copyright.PENANAowy7oE1wNK
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.222Please respect copyright.PENANA4oi7Zl2tKr
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.222Please respect copyright.PENANAPnwHKu65gY
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.222Please respect copyright.PENANAUHfeJx3042
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.222Please respect copyright.PENANAhJaD1G4WEw
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.222Please respect copyright.PENANA2SjRSd1KUr
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)222Please respect copyright.PENANABnXFhFnvHO
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!222Please respect copyright.PENANAxioQF22kLP
(audience chuckles)222Please respect copyright.PENANA4UTIm96iuR
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."222Please respect copyright.PENANA3V3XirjQtI
I haven't heard from him since.222Please respect copyright.PENANAQwBTniIgoF
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."222Please respect copyright.PENANAPxR9ZZw64V
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.222Please respect copyright.PENANA2MEp0Hxv7G
(audience laughing)222Please respect copyright.PENANANlbgz4bGmP
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 222Please respect copyright.PENANASafJPdAY79
She still isn't talking to me.222Please respect copyright.PENANAj7IcBATFRk
(Keith smiles)222Please respect copyright.PENANA1yXZQEVz7N
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'222Please respect copyright.PENANAWrCVIWt4Rn
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 222Please respect copyright.PENANAoDkYOIooLE
but I am on the fence!222Please respect copyright.PENANAJ1aI4IP10T
(audience laughing hard)222Please respect copyright.PENANAKBLYFSD4kP
[He gets on a roll]222Please respect copyright.PENANAaZN9fCgwsP
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 222Please respect copyright.PENANAZYYc8FAnuN
She gave me a hug!222Please respect copyright.PENANAVSDgIhN5hW
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."222Please respect copyright.PENANAhsDkZzGegT
Hey!222Please respect copyright.PENANAddK3X11Rfs
What is the worst combination of illnesses?222Please respect copyright.PENANAfHr5xbVGMv
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."222Please respect copyright.PENANAMO2DnlGGHW
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"222Please respect copyright.PENANAOr7vfZNwWK
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"222Please respect copyright.PENANAT2BDxxKs6q
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."222Please respect copyright.PENANADdYlcl0jmC
How do you get a squirrel to like you?222Please respect copyright.PENANAuzOOCBNqf0
Act like a nut.222Please respect copyright.PENANABZlXzlQ2BD
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.222Please respect copyright.PENANAiWxgx6nkoK
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.222Please respect copyright.PENANAAzmPAD6m8T
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.222Please respect copyright.PENANAmIG4NeXvUv
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 222Please respect copyright.PENANA2D78Yt9GOL
So I Left.222Please respect copyright.PENANADfT5zj9bxp
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.222Please respect copyright.PENANAboNI4Rjj8W
"The steaks were pretty high!"222Please respect copyright.PENANABcjjka9ksL
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."222Please respect copyright.PENANASMYH9JVNaP
Goodnight!"222Please respect copyright.PENANAxO5IvnX8tI
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)222Please respect copyright.PENANAVSp3RA5B36
He went home happier222Please respect copyright.PENANAgiOhBiKgdh
than he ever
Dreamed!222Please respect copyright.PENANAAZlN9RbGqE
222Please respect copyright.PENANA4mPrYWvttZ
© Charles Kemp
ns 130.176.179.13da2