My wife and I were going through a divorce so I went over to the house trying to sort our joint possessions.
"Okay, sweetheart, since the court awarded you the house and the barn. We have six lawn chairs and I'm taking half of them." 309Please respect copyright.PENANA0SIlm4dU4i
Also, some of the folding tables, "I'm taking my tools, and the loveseat. Cuz, I sure don't want anybody making love to you on my love seat!"309Please respect copyright.PENANAMkxn28ruX6
(I look around for more things, we lived on a farm and had some barnyard animals.)309Please respect copyright.PENANAlGfq4xUI5W
"Let's see, I need at least 50 head of cows, 15 horses, oh, and around 30 chickens and ducks."309Please respect copyright.PENANA90WylNpkLA
Hmm... 309Please respect copyright.PENANAsDeJxNIPHB
Oh yeah, and my dog Rex of course. "Here boy, come over here you mutt, you mangy critter..." Okay, I need the dog house and the 50 lb bag of dog food. 309Please respect copyright.PENANA8wKfG5Nweu
Yeah, the divorce court ordered that I get half of the heavy farming equipment. 309Please respect copyright.PENANA3U9OlnJerj
"You can have have all the adult toys."309Please respect copyright.PENANAmkLT4qPQVe
Except for the pecker enhancer!309Please respect copyright.PENANALwypl3tAob
"That's all I need..."309Please respect copyright.PENANAPiTha1McoV
"Wait!"309Please respect copyright.PENANASOhlCSnw8f
I glance at my wife's body "Didn't I buy those boobies?" She said, "Well honey, yes you did." What about it?309Please respect copyright.PENANA9bahScceRu
I said, "Sarah, I brought them big boobies, you can't have them!" 309Please respect copyright.PENANAkvjzwvHjD9
Sarah said, "Keith, what's wrong with you, are you crazy!" 309Please respect copyright.PENANAOt9OdgLvSu
(Still staring at her, I notice a dragon tatoo under her tight, revealing shorts)309Please respect copyright.PENANA9IR2DRK0oz
"Hold on, wait, one dawg gone minute!"309Please respect copyright.PENANAPujkKpY8Ib
"Didn't I pay for that tattoo on your butt?"309Please respect copyright.PENANAAN0bP92wko
That cost me $100!
Sarah said, "Yes, so what!" What you're going to do about it Jack!309Please respect copyright.PENANAFX2KeGEEiF
Keith said, "My name ain't Jack, Missy!" And what about your $3000 butt injections?309Please respect copyright.PENANATDSBZhHEbK
"Sarah, I'm still paying for that big booty. Nobody can touch that booty until it's paid off!"
Orders are, nobody can see the great booty, Not nobody, not no how!309Please respect copyright.PENANATYiD7mqrqi
"Um...Keith? Said Sarah, you are quoting 309Please respect copyright.PENANAW6YZYrtgjo
'The Wizard Of Oz.'
I know that I yelled,
but I can't get no satisfaction. I can't get no satisfaction. "Cause I try, and I try, and I try, and I try." I can't get no, oh no, no, no...309Please respect copyright.PENANAuD6dXp16EE
Ah, hey, hey, hey, that's what I say...309Please respect copyright.PENANA59nIjzP2Nw
"Keith?" Now you're quoting, 'The Rolling Stones.' "How come when you're angry you309Please respect copyright.PENANAhHCFFnI1tv
quote everybody?"
I know that Sarah but I need compensation! Let's see, the breast implants were $5,000.309Please respect copyright.PENANASOmrMR7BVf
Plus, umm... an additional $3000 for the butt injections and the $100 dollar Dragon tatoo.309Please respect copyright.PENANAK2qOuv10Yh
"Oh, and that thousand pack of 'Now and Later' candy!"309Please respect copyright.PENANAt5Kef4rHYb
(Sarah laughs)309Please respect copyright.PENANAc4yteEobDh
Keith, that line is from the movie, "The Cook Out."309Please respect copyright.PENANAhbTIPkqadL
"Gosh Darn!"309Please respect copyright.PENANARTr1sro8R7
Woman, you owe me over $8,000 cash money on the line...309Please respect copyright.PENANAYVXpG040F1
Sarah exclaimed, "Well don't hold your breath cuz I ain't paying you nothing Jack!" "Honey, I said, quit calling me Jack. Is that your new boyfriend's name?" 309Please respect copyright.PENANAGqgFOV07xH
Sarah, "Yeah, and he's hung like a mule!" No, like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And I don't have to hunt in the dark for his pecker. (Sarah snickers)309Please respect copyright.PENANA5LIrHtWRRG
Keith, "Oh yeah, I bet when you're making love and he's going down, he can hear his own voice echo!"309Please respect copyright.PENANAuLg6YJz14w
Hello~hello~hello~hello...
Hah! 309Please respect copyright.PENANAGXc8uOm1Lh
Sarah, crieds, "Okay, now that's hitting below the belt."309Please respect copyright.PENANAuOmKCOB1no
You know you love my love thing! But Keith, you are a boring lover. 309Please respect copyright.PENANAgs3xgEkRBj
That's how I fell into the arms of another lover. Do you recall when I said, "Give it to me! Give it to me!" I yelled. "I'm so wet and hot, give it to me now!" And you gave me an umbrella.309Please respect copyright.PENANAMhWQbOQjaf
Keith, "Okay, I see you got jokes honey...309Please respect copyright.PENANA7pz9hD2VWL
Here's one, "What makes a pecker and Rubik's Cube similar?"309Please respect copyright.PENANAAzeqdo7YuL
(Sarah says what)309Please respect copyright.PENANA6L8tB8qUNa
"The more you play with it, the harder it gets."309Please respect copyright.PENANAN0NHhfuJtS
(he laughs and Sarah winks)309Please respect copyright.PENANAcmTV8ve3iQ
Sarah, "Hey, I got one, 309Please respect copyright.PENANAjLczQmTVwO
"A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about fifteen minutes, the tired man finally gets up and says,
"Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" 309Please respect copyright.PENANAK2aLuTiPO7
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"309Please respect copyright.PENANAHWMQxNqaGJ
(Keith laughs hard)309Please respect copyright.PENANAu2fmJR1BSg
"Okay, that was pretty good honey." Keith says, "But, hey I got a bunch of them!"309Please respect copyright.PENANAgtxk4udYoQ
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.309Please respect copyright.PENANAG7I7LrX5ya
(Sarah giggles, Keith is on a roll)309Please respect copyright.PENANAUwIxZFAjzn
Honey,309Please respect copyright.PENANAdQ4mk5EmYn
"Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? 309Please respect copyright.PENANAWDWSBa048e
Sarah grins, "Okay, I give up." Who?309Please respect copyright.PENANAeTaaT1UMQa
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts on his weiner!309Please respect copyright.PENANApvXPHgHz3D
(Sarah giggles, slapping her thigh)309Please respect copyright.PENANAKLD3tZcdnU
Keith says,309Please respect copyright.PENANAOD6r7Uco3R
"What do a woman and a bar have in common?309Please respect copyright.PENANAlLt18mkas7
Liquor in the front, poker in the back."309Please respect copyright.PENANA4raGIJFMWx
(Sarah laughs, smiles and then gives Keith a big hug)309Please respect copyright.PENANAOKxVuzxosd
Keith, "Aww, Sarah, you know I still love you and you'll always be my best friend. Just forget about the $8000. 309Please respect copyright.PENANAVVT1esyjlc
Keith's wife, Sarah, had always been both amused and exasperated by his constant jokes. Every morning, as she sipped her coffee, Keith would appear grinning with a mischievous smile and say, "What do you call a cow with no legs?"309Please respect copyright.PENANAO0Qfz9VCT0
"Ground beef!"309Please respect copyright.PENANAvNV1wMW4VH
Sarah would roll her eyes and chuckle, unable to resist her husband's infectious laughter.309Please respect copyright.PENANAtdi3YpeNhw
Their children, Lily and Max, inherited their father's sense of humor. They would eagerly gather around him, waiting for his daily dose of laughter. 309Please respect copyright.PENANATknp9vuHVS
Keith would gather them close and say, "What do lawyers wear to court?" 309Please respect copyright.PENANAj8DzlfGnpU
Lawsuits.309Please respect copyright.PENANAPgHFEnkoVA
Lily and Max would burst into fits of giggles, just begging for more jokes until their sides hurt.309Please respect copyright.PENANAHYybk7hypt
Keith's friends knew him as the 309Please respect copyright.PENANADZCZ2cdBmn
Clown Jester of Bakersville.309Please respect copyright.PENANAzzCS7D8nUS
Whenever they needed a good laugh, they would seek him out. One evening, during a gathering at their favorite local pub, Keith got up and proclaimed, 309Please respect copyright.PENANA3dlH2wOVAy
"Why did the scarecrow always win an award?"309Please respect copyright.PENANAi0tbrn5fxP
Because he was so outstanding in his field!309Please respect copyright.PENANAQzP8ZpfdVV
The entire pub erupted with laughter, and he basked in the joy of making others smile.309Please respect copyright.PENANAU5804wayEk
His love for jokes extended beyond his family and friends. Keith would seize any golden opportunity to entertain unsuspecting strangers.309Please respect copyright.PENANA3LVtgKoFTb
While waiting in line at the grocery store, he would strike up conversations with fellow shoppers and unleash a pun-filled tirade. 309Please respect copyright.PENANARqzgpqJigC
The cashiers, at first dreading the line of customers Keith held up, would eventually find themselves laughing along with the rest of the store.309Please respect copyright.PENANAnZKrvpsd7j
Keith's reputation as the "Jokester Extraordinaire"309Please respect copyright.PENANAKR8jPL1MHL
Spread throughout Bakersville. People began inviting him to events just to ensure a fun-filled atmosphere.309Please respect copyright.PENANAeVESn1CWgZ
Whether it was just a birthday party, or community gathering, even a solemn occasion. Keith's corny jokes managed to uplift everyone's spirits.309Please respect copyright.PENANAULZqpI1jSk
One day, the Mayor of Bakersville decided to organize a grand comedy festival. Of course, Keith was naturally the first person he invited to perform. The festival was a great, riotous success, with the entire town doubled over with laughter. 309Please respect copyright.PENANAmPIsJF1tsn
Keith took center stage, he was telling joke after joke, pun after pun, and the crowd couldn't get enough. It was a night of sheer hilarity, leaving everyone in stitches.309Please respect copyright.PENANA9m2BSTTT36
His wife, Sarah, was used to his jokes by now. 309Please respect copyright.PENANAbrZHXQJhGw
Having heard them all before, many times.309Please respect copyright.PENANA68dlOFZBKr
She would just smile politely and laugh occasionally, but normally she would roll her eyes and shake her head. She loved Keith, but sometimes she wished he would tone down his jokes a bit.
His children, Lilly and Max, were also familiar with his jokes. They had grown up listening to them every day. They would sometimes laugh at his jokes, but mostly they would groan and cringe. They loved Keith, but sometimes they wished he would stop embarrassing them with his jokes.309Please respect copyright.PENANAEGFYRhiMOL
His friends, Mike and Tom, were also aware of his jokes. They had known him since college and had endured his jokes for years. They would sometimes chuckle at his jokes, but mostly they would ignore them or change the subject. 309Please respect copyright.PENANAROt1Zogo2K
They liked Keith, but sometimes they wished he would be a little more serious with his jokes.309Please respect copyright.PENANAUIjViMbrfH
But Keith didn't care what anyone thought of his jokes. He loved telling them and he thought they were hilarious. 309Please respect copyright.PENANAqfTZGGN6jT
He believed that laughter was the best medicine and that everyone needed a good joke to brighten their day. He never missed an opportunity to crack a joke, no matter how corny or inappropriate it was.309Please respect copyright.PENANA0Bat3EbQSF
One day, Keith decided to go to a comedy club for a night out. He had always wanted to try stand-up comedy and he thought he had what it took to make people laugh. He signed up for an open mic night and prepared some of his best jokes.309Please respect copyright.PENANAmkVMUOwi6R
He arrived at the comedy club and was greeted by the host.309Please respect copyright.PENANARCi1sUVMvC
"Hi, I'm here for the open mic night," Keith said.309Please respect copyright.PENANACJl3rVO1At
"Sure, just write your name on this list and wait for your turn," the host said.309Please respect copyright.PENANAx1iGiXsgSE
Keith wrote down his name and looked at the list. He saw that there were about ten other comedians before him.309Please respect copyright.PENANA7HgisPGiYq
He walked over to the bar and ordered a drink. He sipped it slowly and watched the other comedians perform.309Please respect copyright.PENANAsE3yKjsEhB
He saw some of them get laughs, others get boos and some silence.309Please respect copyright.PENANAfcPwxTmivQ
He rehearsed his jokes in his head and smiled to himself.309Please respect copyright.PENANALFL2nvt2m9
(When he got on stage he said)
Hello people, I'm Keith, and I hope to entertain you tonight. "How many of you like to help people, said Keith?"
(The audience clapped)309Please respect copyright.PENANA626atDmbig
Keith: "Well I do too, I walked into my bank today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance."
So I pushed her over!309Please respect copyright.PENANAmip8trEOGe
(audience chuckles)309Please respect copyright.PENANAwb11t9duYv
Keith: "Yeah, three years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf."309Please respect copyright.PENANA88CSAs6P1K
I haven't heard from him since.309Please respect copyright.PENANA5ICf7wcSlW
Keith: (feeling the crowd) "My wife says I'm getting fatter, but in my defence, I've had a lot on my plate recently."309Please respect copyright.PENANA9efcYw78O5
"Hey people, my dog is a genius... I asked him what is two minus two, and he said nothing.309Please respect copyright.PENANAzcImBbi6oz
(audience laughing)309Please respect copyright.PENANAhhWzH9X1uw
Keith: "You know the other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her the glue stick." 309Please respect copyright.PENANAe4rx9S0ECK
She still isn't talking to me.309Please respect copyright.PENANA8umBQP0PFz
(Keith smiles)309Please respect copyright.PENANAIeYSxUuhnA
Keith: "Just the other day I stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and the guy says: 'Well, Once upon a time there was a lobster...'309Please respect copyright.PENANAPZ2iuwVDhF
Keith: "Yeah, some people can be so uptight you know, my female neighbor always suntans topless, my wife is quite against it, 309Please respect copyright.PENANALBTixSDhlE
but I am on the fence!309Please respect copyright.PENANAE8LYV61W5V
(audience laughing hard)309Please respect copyright.PENANAVjwEgFQnGn
[He gets on a roll]309Please respect copyright.PENANAySQHbZR53d
"Hey, I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes." 309Please respect copyright.PENANANvYi1gudYf
She gave me a hug!309Please respect copyright.PENANAOOEtrcE41C
"Yeah folks, today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face."
"My parents are the worst."309Please respect copyright.PENANAiMXuHAtmDs
Hey!309Please respect copyright.PENANATel7ZeY3zL
What is the worst combination of illnesses?309Please respect copyright.PENANA8di5swfRgi
"Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where."309Please respect copyright.PENANAi89OFJDk7n
You know what? My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
"Guess who came crawling back?"309Please respect copyright.PENANA3t1UjOiAjT
For you gals out there, "What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?"309Please respect copyright.PENANAod0oD6pS87
They just give you a bra and say,
"Here, fill this out."309Please respect copyright.PENANASFBwEjurAb
How do you get a squirrel to like you?309Please respect copyright.PENANAvvyXhqV9v0
Act like a nut.309Please respect copyright.PENANAOfYj0Ioev8
My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.309Please respect copyright.PENANARwnFTrP0at
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.309Please respect copyright.PENANAVXv9uxxJe9
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the physco path.309Please respect copyright.PENANAfI5yK3hQ9y
I went to a psychic the other day and knocked on her front door. She yelled: 'Who is it?' 309Please respect copyright.PENANAVwy9nfHnLT
So I Left.309Please respect copyright.PENANAArcjjxmOUp
People, I was in a casino yesterday and a couple of cows were smoking weed and playing poker.309Please respect copyright.PENANA14wtpNFxpj
"The steaks were pretty high!"309Please respect copyright.PENANA9XyWD7OLiw
"Well, that's all I have for you tonight ladies and I hope gentlemen."309Please respect copyright.PENANADUZMJ2lIg0
Goodnight!"309Please respect copyright.PENANA22h1sAnCUy
(Dave exited the stage to thunderous applause)309Please respect copyright.PENANA8eXmVxRTyH
He went home happier309Please respect copyright.PENANA8Ari1dt7cU
than he ever
Dreamed!309Please respect copyright.PENANAQPSZ10QE9A
309Please respect copyright.PENANAR6QquZcpnV
© Charles Kemp
ns 15.158.61.7da2