（原作：美宅男夢工廠 by 歐巴龍）
我是鬼，五十年前因一時輕敵被該死的神父封印，今天終於有個智障把我放出來了。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQIM1Amvilr
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「啊，我不小心撞到了。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIz2LtHD4y
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戴著眼鏡的矮個子從地上撿起斷成兩截的十字架，那十字架做工精細，將耶穌受難的神情刻得栩栩如生，偏偏斷截處又恰好在耶穌的頸子，這彷彿是褻瀆聖子的舉動，嚇得他面色一陣發白。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6UIx4TcJvK
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我滿意點頭。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡak519xtulc
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很好，這就是我要的效果，愧疚吧！顫抖吧！你們內心的恐懼都將成為我的食糧！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCRJ3h3N8T
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一旁的高個青年放下行李，接過十字架研究了會，搖頭說：「沒辦法，賠錢吧。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡonbifsnced
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「不知貴不貴？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMcGAoU8Uro
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「應該還好。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUOkPZhSkTY
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「不過我第一次看到飯店會在房裡放十字架耶。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwqdkjYVSYV
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「我也是，也有可能是上一個房客落下的。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmLwSSjNUy
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兩人說著，就扔下十字架，各自從包裡掏出一個15吋的加蓋四方形儀器，分別坐在桌邊和床上看了起來。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4FoJhR7Xy
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我震驚了。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5inPwZrs3W
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不對啊，你們不是該為冒犯神明一事瑟瑟發抖或心生不祥嗎？怎麼可以這麼鎮定？659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDx6wWGi3KM
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話說回來，剛這兩個人類說的是哪國語言？659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6o4j2bovzL
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「小語。」高個子捧著四方形儀器坐到矮個子身邊，「我這邊有個Design problem能幫我看一下嗎？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdJjdAT2Msa
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喔，總算聽到熟悉的語言，我立刻湊過去，邊在心裡計畫各種嚇人詭計，誰知我一靠近，就被那四方形儀器映射出來的畫面嚇得倒退三舍。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYAKuXEqWJ
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What the hell?659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUWIn4CH3O
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那些密密麻麻的數字符號和文字是什麼東西？為何每一個拆開我都懂，合起來我就看不懂？難道又是教會新研發的鎮鬼經文？659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDjpASf64O9
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幸好我躲了半天，都沒感覺到不適，才又慢慢飄過去，聽他們嘰哩呱啦摻雜一些英文詞彙的對話，什麼Project，什麼Function，If不If，還有……Parent & child？659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGthB1Hw1f
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嘶——659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfr2JeBTcqF
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我驚疑打量他們只要是黃種人就分不出差別和年紀的臉，開始對他們的關係感到疑惑。但不管怎麼樣，管他們是日本人還是越南人，就算是印度來的，只要是活人，這口糧我都吃定了！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFJInVqVKAX
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陰風輕輕地吹，一隻冰涼的鬼爪胡亂往矮個子的腰窩戳。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2vEJmPoy3
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「夏熠輝你幹嘛啦？很癢耶。」矮個子咯咯亂笑，捶了高個子一記。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkmhqvH45eU
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正注視「鎮鬼經文」的高個子回過頭，投以茫然目光，「哈啊？什麼？我聽不懂。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFB4tEgZ8TE
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矮個子撇了撇嘴，咕噥一句「又來！」就看回「鎮鬼經文」，「沒什麼，你看這裡……」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYni2719kTN
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「 嗯。」高個子應完，就順手攬住矮個子的腰，看起來像將對方抱在懷裡。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ69JwfEzkc2
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我也投以茫然目光，感覺哪裡怪怪的。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Vwo6PriYr
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但身為一個高端的鬼，必須不能使用重複伎倆，於是我飄到高個子身邊，俯身在他耳邊輕笑低語，「嘻嘻嘻，要不要陪我玩？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPd3a5z6Jbq
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然而高個子不為所動！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlQ8JiXyCWZ
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我不死心，再說：「我的腳……你把我的腳藏到哪了？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4oPkBNRtzM
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高個子依然面不改色！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUayLSOfhcH
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我大怒，直接用吼的，「你死定了！我要殺了你！殺殺殺！」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbgvQRc0LVU
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這次高個子終於有動作了。他皺眉掏了掏耳朵，取出一個小巧的儀器擦一擦再戴回去。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbf75X9UHQ
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這一刻，我吐血，如果鬼還有血的話。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdFoMhIfQsr
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矮個子比手畫腳地問：「怎麼了？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe1tKz0WSMZ
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高個子搖搖頭，「助聽器有點雜音，大概之前下雨淋到了。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZIZV3KCbTQ
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馬的！原來這傢伙是個聾子！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0xOtuvXoKk
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受到打擊的我窩回角落自閉，直到那兩人蓋上四方形儀器，起身從行李掏出衣物，一前一後地進了浴室，我才精神一振。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5PLDPhVTkr
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方才一定是因為「鎮鬼經文」的關係，才讓我出師不利，現在就應該趁他們不在，先把那可疑的四方形儀器毀掉。於是我磨拳擦掌地飄到桌前，準備用最狠厲殘暴的手段摧毀敵人時，就赫然驚見四方形儀器上頭壓著一袋綠色包裝物，那包裝物上頭還印著一個露出兩顆門牙的小傢伙笑容燦爛，這殺傷力不大，但污辱性極強！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqnlqBapYq
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這時，浴室傳來我聽不懂的對話。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIl6rEsK741
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「為什麼要擺那包零食？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBb1CDLZCPo
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「那是我們台灣的電腦保護神，只要有綠乖乖，所有電子設備都一定會乖乖運作。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡErbL4Py5mU
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「所以不能吃嗎？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEAZnST47M
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「不能，吃了就沒用了。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlaufWeCuww
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「但我餓了。」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVlJdly6jSX
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「……」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA1ukgD7vmO
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此時此刻的我已被怒火佔據理智，絲毫沒意識到哪裡不對勁，只一心想給這兩個該死的人類好看，便動用所有力量顯現身影，以最猙獰駭人的面貌衝進浴室，並開始期待人類被嚇得屁滾尿流的畫面。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJepNQDVS9l
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哇哈哈哈，驚嚇吧！恐懼吧！人……659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjbpJVMDCVz
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「啊……夏熠輝……那裡不、不行……」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5EzN1qvCI
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「小語……小語……」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa08OHUIN02
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Gya——659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4qqrFVeO0
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我發出了比曾被我嚇暈的人類還要驚恐的慘叫。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCnSc73eUk8
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They are fucking gay!659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVLhhnXklIT
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這如同撒旦一般邪惡的存在，徹底嚇破我的小心靈，讓我一秒縮回十字架，還很自覺地將耶穌的頸子接回來。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcPWTITJw3D
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Oh no！No！No！No！No！Hell no！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFxHGrvWIen
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五十年過去，沒想到人間已經變成撒旦的天下，上帝你這不爭氣的傢伙啊！我看我還是繼續沉眠吧。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBdYMdhlEqf
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浴室裡，秋推了下將自己壓在牆邊的人，沒戴眼鏡的雙眼一片朦朧，「等、等一下，你剛有沒有聽見什麼？」659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0T3rnHZQxi
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「嗯？什麼？」夏抱緊懷裡的腰持續衝刺，臉上的神情既迷離又色情，顯然是又聽不見。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVEukBGBPK9
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秋瞇了瞇眼，心想算了，就夾緊雙腿，繼續在夏的律動下扯著喉嚨嗯嗯啊啊。659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUEmqdhjg39
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Treat or trick，不給糖，就「搗」蛋！659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡufL5A8XawD
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（P.S. 被關五十年的美國鬼，觀念保守，用詞不政確，請見諒（艸）659Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpdrdFa9oUN
後記：
此為噗浪幾位文友自辦的【原創文手交換寫同人】活動，這次我抽到的交換對象是歐巴龍，恰逢萬聖節，就來應個景啦XD
難得參加活動，真的是非常有趣的體驗，為此我還重看了一遍《美宅男夢工場》又作了很多筆記，結果最後都沒用上🤣
本來也想隱藏風格，來寫個憂鬱正經風，讓文友猜不到我是誰，但我想來想去，實在想不到切入點，就索性放飛啦XDDD
另外，抽到我的文友是君羊，寫的是《因罪溫存》的顧懷唷，喜歡顧醫師的歡迎點以下網址來看！
#猜猜我是誰 #原創文手交換寫同人 #喵芭閉關坑司機中: #因罪溫存 #賭博
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