“You must be experienced.”
“What makes you say that?” I am skeptical, but I can sense where this is going.
She just shrugs at me. “Look at you, mama. Maybe its the long legs, pouty lips, sultry voice, or just the fiery red curls spilling over your shoulders. Mmm.”
“All those things get me attention, but they don't make me any kind of expert,” I slapped her hand away from my hair.
“Your name is Simone. Simoooooaan. I say it and I think of french kisses and soft candlelight. With a moniker like that you might as well be a goddess of sensuality.”
“A goddess? Now you are just embarrassing us both.” I swear I am blushing. “You tend to your own garden, yeah?”
“Oh, believe me I am. Why do you think I am talking to you? I have to get some tips- I can tell my man is getting bored.”
“You can tell no such thing. I have seen the way he looks at you.”
“Tell me all your secrets. I am your faithful student.”
“More like you are my nosy roommate.”
“I will give you that,” she laughs and shakes her head at me, “but you should still tell me something juicy.”
“Well, I have had a lot of...”
“Lovers? I knew you were a sex fiend. Have you ever done it in a public place? I always wanted to do that.”
I just stare at her.
“Sorry. I get over-excited sometimes”
I wait some more. Absentmindedly tap my fingers lightly on my lips. Building up the tension. She giggles.
“But there is one story that I am really proud of,” I can't help but to smile when I think about it. I lean back in my chair because I am just that pleased with my self.
“Yessss, should I take notes?”
“So I was at this bar after work one night. Everyone from the office was there welcoming our newest recruit. It was a very low-key thing and I wasn't planning on being there very long. What I really wanted to do was come home and watch Orange is the New Black.” A brief pause. “But then this guy came up to me.”
“Uh-oh”
“And he bought me a refill on my drink. From the start, it was not enjoyable. He was coming on quite strong-telling me all about myself while asking really personal questions. I was looking to make an excuse to leave and he started talking over me. Telling me how I was too pretty to be single.”
“ew.”
“But that was when his girlfriend walked up.”
“Ohmigawd!” Her mouth formed a perfect 'o' shape. “Did she try to kick your ass?”
“No, the opposite. She acted like I had kicked her ass. She wouldn't look me in the eye and she curled up on her boyfriend's other side. Her boyfriend introduced us.”
“This doesn't make any sense unless....”
“He asked me for a threesome? Yeah, he did.”
She just squealed. Throwing her feet up in the air. “That is so messed up, Simone!”
“I know it was. I just grabbed my purse to get up and get out of there.” I shook my head from side to side and brushed my hair aside when it fell into my face. “I wanted to get away from the both of them, but then I stopped before I made it through the door. Something made me turn around to find them again.”
“Wait, What?! Simone-”
“Naturally, the boyfriend tried to be the first to leave the bar when he saw that I was leaving. The girl was still sitting there by herself. I passed by her and tapped her boyfriend on the shoulder. And then whispered in his ear that I was down for it.”
“Shut your whore mouth!”
Our laughter fit interrupted the flow of my story for a bit, but then I got right back into it.
“So we take a cab home. All three of us in the back seat.”
“Who is in the middle?” she shrieked.
“He was. She didn't want to be anywhere near me.”
“Oh, God what did you do?”
“We rode back to their place. They were living together in a pretty nice flat: tall ceilings and marble counter-tops. The furnishings were pretty humble though. The furniture was mismatched and drab art dotted the wall. But there was the big screen t.v. set up in front of the love seat. I am guessing the boyfriend had purchased it. He turned it on as soon as we got in and found a little nudie flick. 'Do you mind?' he asked.”
“uggghh. And you actually agreed to go home with this guy?”
“I ask him to pour me a drink because I know I am going to need it. While he gets up to fix my drink I try talking to his girlfriend. If she doesn't get into this, I know there is no way it is going to work.”
“What in the world could you say to her? Thanks for taking me home, I can't wait for you to watch me bone your boyfriend? This whole thing was a disaster, Simone!”
I just shrugged my shoulders and waited for my listener to calm herself. Then, “Actually, I just asked her where she was from and what she did for a living. She answered my questions but didn't volunteer any unsolicited information. She tried to ask me some questions but I could tell that she wasn't listening to my answers. It was awkward as hell. Then, I don't know, I tried to ask her about random stuff like the art on her walls. And she just loses it. She mutters something about having to go to the bathroom and dashes off to the back of the apartment. Then the boyfriend finally comes over with my watered down drink and starts to ask me about fetishes and sex positions that I had never heard of. No, what he actually said was: 'You look like a girl who likes kink.'” I close my eyes and bow my head as if in shame. “As I try to answer the question I see his attention shift to the television. The girls on the screen are wailing like ambulance sirens-”
“ugh, I hate when they do that.”
“and I can tell that he is getting into it. He's got his clenched fists in his lap and his breathing is getting really loud. Without even taking his eyes off the screen, he says to me: 'I can stay up longer if I watch this first.' I think I might give him a little privacy, so I sort of fade into the direction of the bedroom and he calls out, 'Hey, don't you wanna watch me?' I say that he should come back and meet us when he is ready.”
At this point, my smile gets a little bit bigger. My attentive listener notices this and leans forward.
“When I step into to the bedroom, I see the bathroom light underneath the closed door. I knock and she opens up and peeps out at me with one red-ringed hazel eye. I ask her if I can come in and she doesn't answer. She is still not looking me in the eye, but I can see the stress boiling underneath the surface. Conflict- I can handle that, but I have to be careful. The top on this one is close to blowing. She sighs like she is defeated but instead of opening the door, she starts to close it on me without a word. I offer my drink to her, raising and swirling it so that the clink of ice in the glass makes a nice tink-tink sound. 'This might make you feel better,' I told her.”
“A peace offering. That was a good move.”
“Don't interrupt. This is when it gets good: She sighs again. Throws open the doors and backs far away from it, wiping her eyes and nose. I walk into this spacious master bathroom, close the door behind me, and when she refuses my drink, I just set it down on the counter between the his and her sinks. I look at myself in the mirror and make a show of playing with my hair while I try to make small talk again. I ask her how long she has been dating whats-his-name and she tells me that she has been dating Brian for about 8 months. I congratulate her for being part of such a cute couple and say that it is obvious how much Brian loves her. From where she is sitting, slumped down on the edge of their jacuzzi-style bathtub, she nods warily.”
“I tell her about this guy I dated once and how much Brian reminds me of him. 'They both really liked girl on girl action,' I say.”
“And then she says to me: ' Brian does watch a lot of porn. More than any other guy that I have been with. Which is not to say that I have been with a lot of guys,' she adds quickly. ' I mean, that is probably where he came up with this idea....'”
“So then I ask her how many times she has done a threesome and she says that she has never done it before. Apparently, Brian has been trying to get her to agree to a threesome for the last 6 months. But all that suggesting, prodding, and giving ultimatums finally paid off because she agreed to do it tonight. Then I smile and thank her for choosing me to start this new phase of their relationship and her whole face just falls. I thought she was going to cry.”
“Wow, that was pretty tactless of you,” my roommate scoffs.
“Well, I realized my mistake immediately. She gets up to leave and I step in front of her. I tell her to wait and that I have just one more question to ask her.”
I pause my story here because I hear the kettle on my desk sputtering the last drops of coffee and blowing steam. I turn around and pour my favorite morning beverage into my favorite mug- no, that mug is not clean so I select my second favorite mug, pour my coffee, apply a generous amount of sugar, stir it in, blow across the top of the mug, and-
My exasperated roommate: “Are you going to keep talking? What was the question that you asked?” I could not have chosen a better audience for my story.
“So then I told her that I wasn't at all sure about her feelings for what we were about to do. I said, 'Forgive me, but I want this night to be enjoyable for everyone involved and you just don't seem to be into it. Why did you finally decide to say yes to Brian's request?' Then she tells me in this really defensive tone that it was what he really wanted and she didn't really care either way as long as she was able to choose the girl. I could see the tears in her eyes. I asked her why she chose me and she whispers that she thought I would say no. Again, she cannot make eye contact with me as she tries to brush past me. In a flight or fight situation, this girl is definitely flight, but I back up against the closed door and hold my hands up. I try to get her to look me in the eye, but she is so crushed.”
“Poor girl, she must have been so humiliated,” my roommate says.
“So then I tell her, 'You were right. I was definitely going to say no. I had better things to do than be a stand-in in a stranger's poorly-conceived sexual fantasies. But then I saw you. The reason I decided to come home with the two of you tonight was because of you not because of Brian.' Right then is when her disbelieving eyes come up to meet mine.”
I look up from my coffee to see that my listener's face is not unlike the girl's in my story. “I tell her how serious I am. I said, 'I wanted to chance to be with you. Even though you were clearly the unhappiest woman in that bar tonight trailing after your perpetually unsatisfied boyfriend, you were still so beautiful and sexy. And not in the obvious, fragile sort of way. Yes, this slinky red dress you are wearing made me think about the fabric moving against your naked body and yes, the way you clutched your boyfriend made me think about how shy and cuddly you would be. But mostly I thought about how much fun we would have being intimate together. It was selfish of me, but I saw how you were trying so hard to please your boyfriend and I thought about how lucky I would be if you were trying to please me. Except I would never ask you to dress up like this, go to crappy bars and help me seduce someone else, I would keep you all to myself. I would make you smile and make you laugh, if I could. I knew it was a long-shot, but if I could make you happy, even for a night, it would be worth having to share a bed with your boyfriend.'”
A little breathless, my roommate said, “What did she say after all that?”
“She was a little taken aback, possibly a little confused. I told her that I didn't want to pressure her, she was free to tell me to leave at anytime, her boyfriend be damned. I walked over to the counter to pick up my drink, took a sip, and handed the rest to her. When she finally looked me in the eye, I touched her face and told her to take her time deciding. We could still hear the girls on the tv going at it in the living room and Brian was no doubt engrossed in his film.”
I took a sip of my coffee. My roommate was quiet. “So I sat up on the counter and after a while she finished off the drink and hopped up to sit next to me. She let me hold her hand and no one said anything for a while. Eventually, we kissed.”
At this point, I got up from my seat and opened up the window to let some fresh air in. “Is it a bit stuffy in here, to you?”I asked.
“So, wait,” my roommate paused. “What happened after that?”
“We had sex in the tub,” I shrugged to show nonchalance, but I couldn't help the grin on my face. “It was incredible. When Brian finally joined us in the back he found a locked bathroom door and an uncooperative girlfriend. She told him that she had changed her mind about the threesome. He tried to bully her into it again: 'Don't do this, we talked about this a hundred times, you will be fine, you look great, we already decided and Simone has come all this way, etc.' and then I chimed in about having to leave because of work the next morning. I used an eyeliner pencil and toilet paper to write down my number for her and gave her a great big hug for support. Then she opened the door to see her visibily perturbed boyfriend. Pissed as he was, he let me go without incident. About a week later, I got a text from her saying that she had moved out of their apartment. We still talk from time to time.”
Everything was quiet for a time, and then my roommate said, “That was one hell of an ice breaker, Roomie, I don't know if I can top that story.”
“It is my favorite story,” I admitted.
ns 15.158.61.12da2
