Chapter One
Ally
Journal entry one August 2, 2015
So, I don’t really understand this diary crap. Mom says it’ll be good for me, so I guess I shall give it a go. Well- I guess I’ll start first with writing a little about myself to get that all out of the way, and in case I die in a gruesome fashion- which would probably cause this “diary” to endure the rock star effect, making me a genius taken from life way before my time. Like Kurt Cobain, or something. Or maybe they'll just publish this shit into a book. If you seriously bought this, with like...actual money, you are truly a sucker. Oh yeah, about me. My name is Allison Fate Fisher. Yea, my middle name is actually Fate. My mom picked it out. I for one hate it. I have blonde hair (naturally) with blue and black streaks in it (un-naturally) oh, and I have blue eyes. I have a nose piercing. I dress kind of dark, the kids at school call me emo but I prefer grunge. I weigh a whopping 98 pounds. I am 16 years old.
I am anorexic and bulimic. I know, nasty combo. Three months ago I weighed in at 83 pounds and I was close to death. I spent a month and a half in The Good Hope Mental Hospital for Teens after I'd fractured my femur. Apparently, my bones had become brittle- and this just something that happens easily with brittle bones. No, I don’t think I am fat...well, anymore. I used to. I used to look in the mirror and see nothing but a fat tub of lard. I would circle the areas I thought needed improving. I became obsessed with losing weight, counting calories, and working out. It wasn’t the good doctors in white coats who made me see how unhealthy my weight was though. There was this girl, her name was Cara Leigh Nelson. She was so overweight, it honestly made me sick. She had an eating disorder as well. Only hers made her gain weight, instead of lose it. She ate her feelings. She weighed 226 pounds. I felt bad for ever thinking I was overweight. After seeing her, I took another look in the mirror- this time with a different point of view. What I found in the mirror was something I was lokking at for the first time, I found myself. You could count my ribs. My arms looked like sticks. My feet seemed so large, in comparison to my body. My face…it looked emaciated, almost skeletal. I looked like one of those scared African kids in the commercials. That was the moment I'd decided to turn it around. I knew I had to put on some weight.
Now, three months later, I’ve gained 15 pounds and it’s starting to show. I am still really skinny but I look allot better than I did three months ago. I also feel healthier! It’s been hard to gain weight when my body is so used to not eating. At first I couldn’t keep food down, anything I ate made me sick. Now if I eat in small portions I can keep food down. My goal is 115 pounds and I know I can do it.
Well, I’m going to stop writing now, I need to get to school.
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Cara
Diary entry one August 2, 2015514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4GfMbuzYoV
So my parents want me to do this “Food Diary” to help me lose weight. It’s been three months since I was at that horrible mental hospital for my eating disorder. I weighed 226 pounds and still ate every time I was mad, sad, stressed, hell even when I was happy! Now, three months later, I weigh 198 pounds. I’m doing better. I’ve been sticking to my diet, working out, and instead of eating when I’m upset I just talk to my pen-pal. Her online name is StrongGirl120. If you can’t tell, her weight goal is 120 pounds. Mine is 150 pounds. The doctors said I was at risk of some serious medical conditions, so I had to start losing weight. I don’t want to end up like my grandmother. She weighs 312 pounds and I’ve never seen her walk because she’s always used a motorized chair to get around.
I’ve only ever told one person about her. Allison, she was at the mental hospital with me. She had anorexia. I haven’t talked to her since she left the hospital. It’s not like we were close. We weren’t even friends actually. We had been grouped together in most of the group therapy activities. I'm guessing it was because we both had eating disorders. We were also roommates. I’m pretty sure the sight of my fat made her sick though…
Well, I gotta get to school before Dad starts giving me the “Your only 15 wait until your 24 trying to get to work on time” lecture.
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Ally
Journal entry two August 2, 2015514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHglsWkDOQW
I hate going to school! Fucking shit! My “friend” Sal, her name is Sally but she claims it’s too generic for her, constantly makes remarks about me being too thin. I never told her about Good Hope, or my anorexia so she has no clue. She’s not fat, but she definitely has curves. Today she told me I needed to put on weight because guys don’t want to cuddle sticks. Then in gym after I changed into my shorts she looked at my legs and said “Ew, skinny people have gross legs.” She’s such a horrible friend! I have no clue why I even hang out with her. She weighs 145 pounds and has green and blue hair. She has a plain face but she wears allot of black eyeliner. Well, I do too but I do min into a cat eye she just does a sort of raccoon eyes thing. She has a lip ring and her septum is pierced. She’s been my friend for almost two months now and she does nothing but make fun of me. She has never stood up for me, not once. Today during lunch Matthew said I looked like I was searching for my next fix and called me a junkie as loud as he could in front of everyone. She just sat there and laughed! UGH! I need new friends. I’m going to bed.
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Cara
Diary entry two August 3, 2015514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xl7fYGL8S
Why do people feel the need to make fun of others? I don’t get it at all. Yesterday in gym while I was running laps this girl Lauren kept yelling at me, asking if I wanted a cupcake. Then when I stopped for water she said I better prop against the wall because otherwise I’d roll away. I hate how skinny girls think they are better than everyone else just because they are skinny. I’m going to go on a run. I’ll write more later.514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsUoLzk6eo
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Ally
Journal entry three August 3, 2015514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjIaMaw9cHe
So I saw that girl from Good Hope today, what was her name? Cara! I was walking to the gas station to get a coke and she was on a run or something like that. She recognized me and asked how I was doing. I told her I’ve been gaining weight and all that, she said I looked healthier. I told her she looked good too. She’s lost some weight and it’s honestly showing, it suits her. Never really noticed how pretty her face is until today. She gave me her number and said if I ever needed to talk to someone who understands what having an eating disorder is like to just text her. Not sure how I feel about being friends with someone I met in a mental hospital. Meh… I guess I can’t judge, I wouldn’t have met her there had I not been there myself. I’ll think on it.514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqd3zfnZOB
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Cara
Diary entry four August 3, 2015514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5c8l8Mk3cf
WOW! I saw Allison while I was on my run and she’s gained weight. She’s starting to look really good! I gave her my number in case she ever needs someone to talk to. I know what it’s like to not have someone who gets what you’re going through. I doubt she’ll text me though. I don’t really have any friends except for my pen pal, and I don’t even know her actual name or where she lives. Whatever though I just need to focus on loosing this weight. I guess since this is supposed to be a “food diary” I’ll write what I ate today.
· Breakfast: Two egg whites, two strips of turkey bacon, an orange, and a glass of low fat milk.
· Lunch: A ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread no mayo, some grapes, and a bottle of vitamin water.
· Dinner: A grilled boneless chicken breast with peas and corn and a glass of pineapple juice.
Bedtime!514Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6AX4M2GvK
