Chapter Two
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Ally August 4, 2015421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpUX4EMWYax
Journal entry four
Jesus Christ! I don’t know how much of this constant torture I can take!421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVWNCCOFo5
You know, there was this girl at Good Hope, she cut herself when she got upset. She said it helped let out the negative emotions, but it’s only temporary so you have to do it like whenever you get upset. I used to think she was nuts but now, I kind of want to try it. Sounds insane but I honestly feel like it would help. I couldn’t do it on my wrists like her though, my parents would send me back to Good Hope for the rest of my teenage life! I could do my thighs. What am I thinking? Oh my God, I am crazy! This couldn’t possibly help, could it? I stole one of Dad’s box cutters from his tools and took the razor blade out. I think I’m going to do it. “No hesitation.” That’s what the girl used to say. “You can’t hesitate or you’ll never go through with it.” Shit.
At first it did hurt but once I saw the cut open and the blood start to trickle out it was really good. Watching the blood drip down my leg was like watching all my anger and hurt leave my body. It feels amazing. I’m still watching it trail down my leg like little red rain drops. This feeling is euphoric. I will do one more and then I’ll put away the razor.
The second cut was better. No hesitations. It was deeper, more blood. God it feels so good! I wonder if this is what drugs are like. I know this is wrong but I already know this is something I won’t be able to stop doing. I guess I’m just trading one problem for another one. Anorexia for cutting. At least cutting will be easier to hide. As long as I stay on places that no one will see. The girl from Good Hope said the wrists feel the best, Jesus I’d love to feel something better than this. The second cut is still bleeding, just a little bit. It feels as if I had a balloon of negative emotions and I made a hole in it. It didn’t pop but its leaking slowly. I feel like for once, I am in control.
I never wanted to get this skinny, honestly. In the beginning I just wanted to eat healthier foods. Then I started counting calories. It didn’t take long to reach the point where I would eat breakfast just to please my mom. Upon arrival to school I would run to the bathroom and stick two fingers down my throat. My breakfast would then succumb to death by flushing. What makes it so bad is this became normal for me quicker than I’d originally figured. I didn’t hesitate when pushing my fingers in my throat, causing vomit to expel from my mouth. This was my morning routine which slowly crept into my evenings, especially when mom made some greasy, calorie filled dinner. But not anymore!
Now I want to fill myself out, even if it’s just a couple pounds. A new goal of mine is to join a team of some sort. I think volleyball is for me. Not yet though, my bones are still fragile from how malnourished I have become; hopefully soon though. I believe in myself. Now that I’ve found a something that works for me I’ll probably be less depressed. Alright, I’m going to get a shower then head to bed!
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Cara421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZaQ9ehOdb7
Diary entry four August 4, 2015421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDAuh6l4mLV
Having no friends has its ups and downs. Today was a day full of downs. We were being paired up for a science project. It seems like every time this happens, whoever gets me as a partner gets extremely disappointed. OF ALL PEOPLE, I get paired with Lauren. The girl that throws Twinkies at me when I do my run around my neighborhood. “Great! I have to keep the cow from eating my work! Sorry ‘ol Bessie, I don’t I have any grass, or whatever bovine’s eat for you.” This was first thing out of her mouth once our names were called. The entire class started howling with laughter. I had to leave! Had I stayed one more second I would have started crying in front of everyone. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of knowing they made me cry. Once I was out of the classroom I just ran for the bathroom. I locked myself in a stall and let it all out. I hate that they can make me cry like this.
I am nothing but nice to everyone at this school and I get treated like shit! It’s so unfair! I do my best to look good, I’ve gotten down to 189 pounds. I even went as far as buying some new clothes. I can only lose weight so fast! I have to do this the safe, healthy way otherwise I could end up like Allison did. I hear losing weight the way she did is like an addiction, you can’t stop. I just want to get to my goal and if I did it by “purging” I might not be able to stop at my goal. I could keep going until I’m 74 pounds and unable to go on a simple walk without breaking my leg! NO! Why am I even thinking about this? It isn’t even an option. While we were in Good Hope, Allison told me how to do it. She’d told me do it after my heaviest meals. I mean maybe it would be ok if I didn’t do it every day. What if I do it every other day, only after my heaviest meals? I won’t let it get to far. I won’t become what Allison became. I think I’m going to go try now since I had fried chicken for dinner.
Well that was interesting. I guess it takes some getting used to. The whole first week after Allison was checked in to Good Hope she would make herself throw up every morning and night. She said the hospital’s food was packed with calories specifically for girls like her. She could do it without hesitation. I remember one incident in particular when I’d walked in on her in the bathroom in mid heave. On her hands and knees, she’d pulled her face out of the toilet and sat back against the stall. She turned to look at me and started smirking. With her hair soaked in vomit and toilet water, she made a joke that I still don’t quite understand. Something about- this is the reason why she can’t keep a boyfriend and that her gag reflexes are a curse and a blessing. I assume she was referring to how easily she can gag, but I’m not quite sure. It must be really easy for her to throw up, because after saying that, she proceeded to put her face back in the toilet bowl. One swift poke into her throat and she puked. She wiped her mouth, brushed her teeth and carried on with whatever else she’d been doing that day, as if she hadn’t just made herself puke in front of me. After a week something changed in her. It was very sudden. I remember she purged that morning, but when night time came around she just didn’t do it. I asked her why and she said “I finally saw myself today. And I’m ready to go back to the real me now.” And that was that. I never saw her do it again. I’ll only do this every other night. No more than that. I can do this without becoming a statistic for bulimia.
So I’m as 189 pounds now let’s see how fast this works. Goodnight diary.
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Ally
Journal entry five August 5, 2015421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7aLlZ3v1P
I just woke up and I already need that cold sharp metal against my thigh. I want to see my blood ooze from my skin, leaving trails of red as it trickles down my leg. The feeling is cathartic. If I do it before school I’ll need to wrap it so it doesn’t bleed through my pants. Alright, got my razor and a bandage.
I love the way the blade caresses my skin. How it manipulates it. The amazing sensation I get when that first drop of blood trickles out. I cut deeper this time and longer this time. So much blood. I could sit here and do this for hours. But I can’t take this too far. What if I cut too deep and need stitches, or worse, I bleed out before I even get the chance to have stitches? No more for now, I need to get to school.
So I’ve got my leg wrapped up, I seriously don’t need to bleed through my pants and have anyone finding out about this. This will just have to be my little secret. I think I’ll take this razor to school in case I need to do it later. Those fucking assholes always make me feel like the ugliest thing alive. I’m sure I will need this later.
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Cara421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCBbLzYQAI
Diary entry five August 6, 2015421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMBH9fRSUM
So I’m down to 187 pounds. I did end up purging today as well. I just really need this to go really fast. I swear as soon as I hit my goal I’ll stop for good. I don’t even like it. Also, unlike Allison, I’m still working out so I’m still building muscle as I do this whole “purging” thing. I’ll be fine, I’m sure of it. That’s weird, Allison just texted me…421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqv8zybKDk9
Allison: Hey Cara. i think i need 2 talk. i took this way 2 far.421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnojsqVERsK
That’s odd.421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbXBlGldLQX
Cara: Wats wrong? im here 4 u <3421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDCgKsqERoF
I wonder what’s wrong with her. She seems like she’s doing fine when I see her at school. Other than Lauren always picking on her. Her choice of friends could be better, in my opinion.
Allison: i kinda got a new vice to replace purging. i think i over did it tho. plz come over.
I’ll just run to her house right quick. I’ll write more later.
Cara: On my way
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Cara
Diary entry six August 6, 2015
Holy fucking fuck balls! I never curse, even on paper, but SHIT! Allison found a new vice alright! It’s fucking cutting herself! She needs stitches but won’t tell her parents. She just put a wrap over it. I mean those cuts are really fucking deep! SHIT! She made me swear not to tell anyone. All I want is to tell her mom, but she’s right, all her mom would do is send her back to Good Hope. Oh my God. She claims it makes her happy. Says it’s euphoric. I think she’s sick. This is all because of Lauren and those sick fucks at school! Her so-called friend, Sal, isn’t any help either! Sal laughs when they make fun of her! She even throws in a couple puns about her being underweight! A real friend would stand up for her not bring her down further! From now on I’ll be standing up for her! I know it’s not much, the fat girl standing up for the too skinny girl but someone has to do it! Jesus Christ what a fucking day. I’ll be following Allison and making sure she’s not cutting from now on as well…
I need to sleep. Tomorrow I’ll show all those snobby bitches what I’m made of. I’m going to go purge the cookie I had when I got home from Allison’s house then I’m going to sleep.
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Ally
Journal entry six August 6, 2015421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS34oDZXYm2
I can control this. I am in control.
I cut to deep today. It just wouldn’t stop bleeding. It was gushing everywhere! My entire leg was enveloped in blood. I didn’t know what to do. I honestly have no clue why I ended up texting Cara but that’s what happened. At first I thought about just letting it take its course. Bleeding out wouldn’t be such a bad way to die. For a second, I wanted to die. I honestly wanted this deep incision to eradicate me. Just end it all. No more assholes making fun of me. Even if Heaven isn’t real just being dead would be better than this life. Darkness…
Just setting this straight, I’m not going to quit cutting. I’m going to be more careful about it though. Now I’m going to have Cara on my ass though. I did some online searches and found out the safest places to cut and I’ll only cut there. Also found out that if I do want to end it all, I just need to make a vertical cut down my wrist. They can’t stitch that up. I need to cut. Right now. There, that’s better. I love walking through the halls and feeling my cuts rub against my pants. It burns, in a good way. It’s a reminder of me being in control. Those assholes can’t hurt me if I’m already doing it for them.
Cara texted.
Cara: R u ok?
Allison: yes Cara i am fine.
Cara: just making sure. u didnt seem ok when i left.
Allison: jesus. i shud not have texted you Cara. im fine!
Cara: well u did! now im a part of ur crazy vice! either accept me as a friend or ur mom finds out.
Allison: ok Cara i'll be ur friend. r u that lonely? u do realize had you just come up to me and asked to hang out i probably wud have said yes?
Cara: im not good at that kind of thing.
Allison: I see that.
Cara: i'll see you 2mrw ok?
Allison: k. nite
Cara: Goodnight Allison :)
Allison: dont call me Allison... its Ally
I was right... Cara will be up my ass 24/7... Fuck.
I need sleep…421Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2YgnADnJO
