I let "Friends" by City and Colour occupy my mind, instead of the dark thoughts that threatened me, while I peered out the window at the other teenage guys, messing around with each other, talking about whatever guys my age liked to talk about. My feet called me to move, to go out there, and speak to them, even if it was just a little hello, but that voice couldn't help but lurk in the back of my mind, telling me that, somehow, it would end up in tragedy. I turned up my speaker to drown out the sound of their laughter, as it filled me with distress.
"Hey, Cole?" Zachary knocked on my door, before opening it,
"Yeah?"
"Can you please turn down your music? My friends are over, and it's really hard to hear them."
"Oh... Sorry." I turned it down slowly, refusing to make eye contact with him,
"Thanks bro." Zachary slammed the door, making me scowl, "Oops! Sorry!"
I rested my head on my desk, as I listened to Zachary laugh along with his friends. Honestly, Zach pissed me off, not because he was annoying, or a jerk, he isn't, just because, well... I'm jealous. He has everything I've ever wanted. People listen to him, people look his way as soon as the door swings open, people smile at him, people are attracted to him. No matter what he manages to do, everyone seems to love him.
I picked up my phone. and dialed up Paisleigh, my best friend from last year, who ended up moving across the country, "Heyyyy Cole, how ya doin'?"
"I'm doing okay, I guess."
"You're crying. Dude, who do I have to come kill?"
"I'm not crying." I sighed,
"I don't buy it. What's wrong?"
"I just... feel really alone right now."
"Then go out and talk to people!"
"I can't, it's not that easy."
"But you can. Cole, you're amazing," She reassured me, "Besides, there's nothing wrong with being alone."
"That's easy for you to say. You've always been alone, so you don't have a problem with it. But I do. I hate this."
"Well, there's nothing I can do for you."
"You can move back?"
"You know I can't do that! They tried to kill Salem last year, if they knew that I was... also trans, I wouldn't be safe."
"So? You aren't out at your new school either. What's the difference?"
"I know that my school is a good place if I wanted to come out. The only reason I haven't came out is because my parents would try and put me in conversion therapy. I can't handle that."
"Well then why don't you just tell people at school?"688Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWw2ngczxat
"It's difficult. I've only came out to you, and Salem before as trans."
"Yeah, but when you thought you were a gay guy, you came out to the entire school at once."
"Cole... It was a lot easier to come out as gay. I liked dudes, so what? Most people don't have a problem with that anymore. But coming out as transgender? That's... dangerous. Salem.... they were almost murdered. Several times. Their mom kicked them out for a few months. A couple of their other friends left them. I don't want to have to fear for my life like that."
"I... I don't get it."
"Of course you don't. You don't live it. You don't understand what it's like. You're straight and cisgender, a lot of things are easier for you."
"Yeah, I guess they are... I'm sorry you have to... live in a world like this."
"Eh, I've gotten used to it... Look, I have to go out for dinner with my parents, I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Okay, bye Paisleigh."
"Bye Cole." She hung up, and tossed my phone across the room, flinching as it crashed against the wall.
"Cole, are you okay?" Zachary called from the other room
"Y-Yep! Perfectly fine!" I yelled back, turning off my music completely.
"God, you're brother's so weird." I heard one of his friends say, before I picked up my phone, and placed it on my nightstand,
"Yeah, he can be." Zachary agreed, making me frown, "But that's fine with me. I wouldn't want Cole to be any other way."
"How come? He seems like an embarrassment. If my little sister acted like he did, I would never want to be seen with her."
"I dunno, bro." Zachary sighed, as I leaned back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. 688Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWix8hMsCC3
God, am I that... weird? Freaky? Annoying? Embarrassing? Does Zach not want to be seen with me? Do I... bother him?
My hands shook as I grabbed the collar of my shirt, tugging down on it, trying to prevent myself from crying again. That was clearly out of my control though, since tears came streaming down my face anyways.
Why was I even born if no one even seems to give a damn about me? Was I just meant to be a background character? Never to be noticed? Did I even have a chance to be something worth it? If not, what's the point of continuing on anymore?
Why am I the only one who will never amount to anything in this huge, cruel, world I'm living within?
ns 15.158.61.8da2
