Let me present myself. I am a middle-aged man that lives alone and is on disability aid. This means that I have a lot of time to think of what I have done in my life. There are so many regrets and mistakes. I know that they made me the way I am now. However, I know that I would never do the same mistakes if I had one more chance.
I should be happy with the way I am. I have two sons, that are now young men. I am so proud of them both. My oldest son, whose name is Christopher is married to a great woman and they have a child. My grandchild is so lucky that he has such great parents. I think that Christopher remembers all the mistakes I have done as a dad and decided to learn from them!
My other son, Nicholas, is full of life. He is very interested in politics and diplomacy and has done great in his studies. He has also traveled a lot. You never know where he will go next. Nicholas is full of life and adventure and is capable of great success.
I was divorced when my boys were teens. The divorce was fully my fault. I have done things that she could not deal with. We never speak anymore and have not really spoken with each other in 20 years. I will be honest, I accept that we are divorced, but I miss the friendship we had. I would love to be in contact with her but must accept that she has chosen to have me out of her life.
I should consider myself lucky. My sons still visit me and they do not avoid me. I have met many my age that has children that they only see once a year! This is sad and makes me grateful that my boys visit me when they can.
I met Mia when I was very young. I was only 20 and was waiting to get into some education. Mia was my age, and what somewhat of a tomboy. She was very religious and was not as fashionable as the other girls. This made her interesting. We were friends at first but fell in love with each other.
We got married and this is like winning the jackpot. I remember when she walked down the Church. My eyes flooded with tears as I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. What did I ever do to deserve this? I was the luckiest man in the world.
We went on a honeymoon and this was when we had our first fight. It was my fault. Since I was a child, I noticed some very dominating women that seemed like they controlled their husbands were wimps. I did not want to be a wimp so when my newly wedded wife suggested something, I said the opposite and we had a foolish fight. Was I mature enough to get married?
Married life changed me. Mia showed nothing for love and patience with me. However, I slowly became a manipulating and selfish man. I became even cruel. The things I would say to Mia showed no respect and hurt her so much. I would let her do all the practical things such as housework. It is no defense that I got frustrated because she thought my help was never good enough.
Despite the change in my personality. I loved Mia more and more every day that went. The problem, of course, was that I never showed it. We had two boys that made me so proud. Again, my personality shone through. I stated at being the best father they could have but would let Mia take more and more responsibility. I tried my best to be a good father. The problem is that my job was working in a pre-school with other people's children. So when I came home, I was so tired and wanted peace. Of course, I never considered that Mia could also be tired, as she was a nurse. This is also a demanding job!
As my children grew older, I started slowly getting depressed. I would easily get anxiety, at times even heard voices as well as social phobia. I never thought there was something mentally wrong with me. Mia never considered this either. I thought that it was just stressed and this meant that I would demand more peace at home.
This was a confusing time for Mia and my sons. My mood changed from hour to hour. At times I would be the happy father that would take them to the zoo or eat a burger. Other times I would scold them. Christopher suffered most from this. He had a different personality than I had, and at times I could simply not understand the way he thought. I treated him as bad as I did with Mia. I never hit, but my words hurt enough.
One thing was scolding my children and of course Mia. I would end up locking myself in my office. If Mia came in usually to discuss the next day's agenda and who was supposed to do what. I would kick her out and get very mad at her. When I was alone again, I would feel very guilty about how I treated her. The problem was that I did not want to leave my safe zone to speak with her. I would go to bed to snuggle up against her and hope that it was forgotten.
Christopher got the same treatment.
Mia told me that I was an absent member of the family. She felt like our family was in danger. She felt like our marriage was in danger. I did not listen. I could have said that there was something wrong with me, that I only felt safe in my room. However, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I knew what she said was right, I thought that the love for her was enough.
Nicholas had an advantage. He could come to my room, where we would sit on my lap and we would look at football games. I do not know why he was allowed to come in. He was very persistent, and just smiled and came in if I told him to go out. The smile acted as puppy eyes, that connected to a few human feelings that I had.
Needless to say, Mia got very tired of all this. She would ask me if I wanted to be a husband or a father. She would ask me what was so interesting that I should lock myself in my room. Mia felt lonely and missed the man that she fell in love with. She did her best to get me on the right track again.
There was a sign of hope when we went on holiday to the Czech Republic. For the first time in years, I felt as if we were back together and I enjoyed every minute with my children. The problem was when we came home again. Things went back to what they were. The hope we had from holidays disappeared in a flash.
Mia did not see when I cried and I did not see when she cried. When we were together, we either ignored each other or argued. We put on the show as a happy couple when we got visitors, but even this became worse. I would not come out when we had visitors. I would sit in my room with anxiety and listening to voices. The visitors nor Mia knew this. What thoughts they had could not have been good.
Mia by now had enough. She told me that we should see a marriage counselor. This made me angry. Why did we need to do this? I loved Mia! There was no question about this.
However, after reflecting on my marriage and my performance as a dad, I could see why we should speak with someone. I loved Mia, but was this more as a best friend than a wife? I knew I said harsh things to her and even at times ignored her. I was simply not a good husband. She was the perfect wife!
She was also the perfect mother. Christoper said once that I was great with all the children at pre-school and his friends, just not with him. This sums up how I was as a dad.
I wanted to tell Mia that we needed to see a counselor.
However unexpected stress and events caused my world to crumble. The next time Mia spoke with me, I was admitted to a mental institution.
Was it too late?
To be continued
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